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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Becoming resentful

27 replies

Workitbabe · 20/03/2016 12:24

Afternoon all.

I am beginning to get really pissed off. Bear with me!

DP's ds1 is 20 and lives with us (he goes to his Mums' every other weekend). He works full time and earns about £17k.
He doesn't pay anything towards anything. That's my first moan.

The weekends that he is here, his girlfriend is over (which co-incides with when dp's ds2 is over and when my 2 daughters are over). I see my girls in the week too, but dp's ds2 is only over every other weekend, so it feels we can never really do anything just the 6 of us.

I am fed up of that too. Even worse is that her parents don't like dsd1 and refuse for him to come to theirs, but yet their precious daughter is ok to say at our for the entire weekend. Double standards or what. It's ok for her to eat our food and use our water. Our water bill has gone up by £20 a month.

Fed up of it and becoming resentful.

I want to suggest to dp that the girlfriend only comes once a month. Is this reasonable?

Thanks

OP posts:

lunar1 · 20/03/2016 12:50

Why isn't the 20 year old paying rent?

Earning 17k a year and not having any concept of the true cost of living is a dangerous thing to do. He will not learn how to budget and could get himself into serious debt when he eventually moves out.

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 12:51

Tricky, it probably won't go down well.....but I don't blame you!

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 12:54

Agree with Lunar, but from what I can gather, this is not unusual! I have friends whose DC live at home, earn reasonable wages, but have never been expected to pay any 'keep'! So exactly how, when they move out, will they have any idea how to budget?!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 20/03/2016 14:11

Tricky too. How about a bit more from your DSS, a contribution to food and bills, I think your first point is totally reasonable. And the GF is around so often that she should be contributing too, whether it is that they cook and pay for a meal for you all once a month or something else. You are not a hotel.

Restricting his GF is trickier, if you want DSS to give more than you might need to be the goid guy here. Or you could always give him a few options - IE a very small financial contribution which goes up by next year, and his GF only once a month, a bigger contribution now but his GF can come wow but one day she needs to go back to her parents night before or morning so that you all get a day just with everyone. In a way you are in a strong position as you are the accommodating parents, he can't strop off to his GFs parents!

cannotlogin · 20/03/2016 14:42

but have never been expected to pay any 'keep'! So exactly how, when they move out, will they have any idea how to budget?!

I was never expected to pay anything when I lived at home. I have never had a problem budgeting, paying my bills, getting a mortgage or any other type of credit.

Original poster

Workitbabe · 20/03/2016 15:18

Thanks all keep the comments coming.

I need to know if I am being unreasonable in:

getting dss1 to contribute
allowing his gf to stay 1 weekend a month as opposed to twice a month

Just feel like I am being taking advantage of.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 20/03/2016 15:19

I find more shocking that he pays nothing than his girlfriend coming over. Saying that, if you don't get along with the girlfriend, it does make it more tricky.

Why isn't he paying anything towards bills? Is it because he is saving for a deposit? If so, the good news is that it means he is bound to move out quicker. Or is it because his dad considers you don't need to the money and he should enjoy all his money as disposable income? If so, I would definitely have a word with dad, but maybe more about on the basis that it might be best for him to learn to budget as otherwise, it might come a real shock when he moves out.

As for the girlfriend, I don't think you can impose when she comes and when she doesn't, but I would certainly have rules, and indeed, even more of a reason to expect him to pay something towards accommodation/bills if she uses quite a lot of water, electricity and food.

I don't even understand why this conversation wouldn't have taken place already!

Original poster

Workitbabe · 20/03/2016 15:25

DP did say he would talk to dss1 about this but it hasn't happened. I am going to talk to DP about it again tonight. DP says he wants dss1 to invest and save for the future, but that doesn't help me!
Re the girlfriend, I am just pissed off that her parents are ok for her to come here but the "favour" isn't returned and they won't have dss1 over- just find it incredibly rude.

OP posts:

Petal02 · 20/03/2016 15:42

I'm shocked that a 20 yr old visits his mum every other weekend! Of course it's natural he wants to see his mum, but it sounds like an access rota is still in place? Scary stuff!

Original poster

Workitbabe · 20/03/2016 15:52

He goes back there because his girlfriend goes back to her parents the same weekend and they live in the same town. Not that her parents let her out for long. She is 18 for God's sake!

OP posts:

Friendlystories · 20/03/2016 16:10

I think DSS should be contributing if he's earning, especially if he's adding to expenses by having his GF to stay. I'm not sure who you think is being rude with regards to the GF's parents not making DSS welcome at their house though. It wouldn't be the way I would handle it with my DC but if they dislike DSS I guess they're under no obligation to have him in their home but if the GF is a similar age to DSS they will have little say over where she spends her time or who with. I doubt they're any happier with their DD being at your house every other weekend than you are and related expenses/inconvenience to you is likely the last thing on their minds. Tbh it's your DSS I would have issue with in these circumstances and it's definitely him you (or rather your DP) need to tackle about it. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to cover some of his and GF's household expenses and set aside some family only time on a regular basis.

Lunar1 · 20/03/2016 16:40

Is there actual evidence of deposit saving, because that would make a massive difference as to how I'd feel.

If he's got saving goals and looking at the cost of a house/flat and doing things going in forums to get informed about the subject I'd be ok with that.

Or is his version of saving putting a tenner in a jar and going out to buy the latest mobile etc.

I got my first job at 13 and almost everything went in the bank, I worked all the way through uni and by the end had saved about 8000, that was earning nowhere near what your dss does. I had enough for my 10% and the fees and got my house at 22.

I know it's different now but I guess what I mean is if he understands money I'd be ok with him not paying rent.

With regards to his girlfriend I think you should get a break from them being at yours all the time, but I would be softer on it if they contributed. If they cooked a meal or did a share of cleaning I doubt I'd mind. If they say about and asked what's for tea I wouldn't put up with it.

HormonalHeap · 20/03/2016 17:29

Another one here who contributed nothing to my parents- never stopped me budgeting when I left home. I'll go against the grain here with the girlfriend and say yes, you DO have a say who stays in your home on a regular basis. Not sure if you get on with her or not, or if it's just the intrusion you're not happy with but you absolutely should have a say.

Busybuzzybumblebee · 20/03/2016 17:47

When I worked full time I was expected to pay 30% of my monthly salary, why should an adult live rent and food free whilst another adult has to pay for them.

I'll be doing the same with my dc when he's older.

With regards to the gf, if it's only the fact the parents won't have dss over that's not really her fault but I do think she should be helping out in cooking a meal once a month. Are you expected to do her washing etc.

callitdelta7 · 20/03/2016 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Workitbabe · 20/03/2016 17:59

Thanks all for the comments. I think the issue is that dss doesn't pay anything and then we have to fork out for his gf too every other weekend. DP feels bad and puts in more money to cover the added expense, when he really shouldn't have to imo. We need to look after our own financial future and work hard to do so. Have already told dp I want to talk to him later. I think if I don't speak up I will burst!

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 20/03/2016 19:37

If he's 20 and has a job, then he's perfectly capable of being totally independent, renting his own home. If, for reasons like not wanting to yet, wanting to spend longer to save a deposit, he wants to continue to live with you and DP then you are doing him a favour and he should treat it as a privilege, not an automatic right. So really what you want does matter, he can't just do what he likes. I'd be knocking both DP and DSSs heads together and having a frank chat, say you are prepared to compromise but that some things need to change. It's not unreasonable at all to ask for a contribution, financially/in kind, it's not unreasonable to say it isn't great for dynsmics his GF always being there whenever he is.

Thank goodness that he does still follow an access type arrangement as you'd have possibly him and his GF all the time otherwise!

HormonalHeap · 20/03/2016 20:06

Last year dss's girlfriend was becoming a permanent fixture, we didn't have the money issue but I just didn't want to share my home on a regular basis with someone who wasn't a family member.

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 23:26

I wouldn't like having anyone staying on such a regular basis either, especially as there is no contribution to the household expenses! I hope you did have a good chat with DP tonight Workit, would be interested to hear the outcome!

OutToGetYou · 21/03/2016 18:31

Water going up £20pm sounds a lot, we only just pay over that now for all our water for three of us.

Anyway, yes, he should be paying. But once he does it will be far harder to reduce the gf visits. So, choose one or other of them. Maybe she could stay with you one weekend a month and with him at his mother's another weekend?

Mind you, maybe his mum will want rent too....

DontMindMe1 · 21/03/2016 22:35

he's on 17k and pays NOTHING!?!!!

i was earning 13k and house-sharing in london at 19 and paying my own way!

your dp's a mug. and there's no reason why you yourself can't bring this up with dsc - he's an ADULT, living in SHARED accomodation. If he wants to live by his own rules then he gets his own place.

i'd just put a stop to his gf staying over - and be open about why. if you keep avoiding voicing your feelings and you don't stand up for yourself then you're just going to get walked all over by kids in your own home.

On 17k, after tax and NI, he's taking home £1,220.60 a month (£281.68 a week)....and i bet he's got bugger all saved. your dp is just making noises to avoid having what he considers a 'difficult' conversation.

Wdigin2this · 21/03/2016 23:09

I have to say, I agree with Dontmindme!

Petal02 · 22/03/2016 11:24

But even if he does make a contribution to 'upkeep', the OP and her DP still have some say about other people living in the house at various times of the month? Are people suggesting that a contribution from him suddenly makes him an equal stakeholder in the house? When I first started working, I paid my parents an amount each week, but it was still very much THEIR house (in the nicest sense of the word), and it ran, quite rightly, by their rules.

Wdigin2this · 22/03/2016 12:14

Exactly Petal!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 22/03/2016 12:36

Yes exactly petal, wdigin, don't mind!

I don't understand the whole, kids are adults they can do what they like in their home. It is their home on loan, for while they are dependent. As they grow independent, it is up to them to appreciate continued support from a parental home. That doesn't mean bring kicked out or never having GF, but surely the mature thing from DSS is to abide by any rules or conditions?

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