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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

completely at the end of my tether.

37 replies

Mandp76 · 18/03/2016 16:36

Maybe I am being unreasonable here but I really have had enough to the point of my marriage of one year (together nearly 7) is suffering. My children and DH children all live with us. Dsc mum sees them one night a week but has offered to have them for 1 week of the easter holidays which coincided with my children going to their dad's for a week. Perfect!
Me and dh made plans to go away for the week, first time ever! Not easy with 6 children FT. Then DH ex phoned up and said "oh I can't have them Sunday or Wednesday night now so I'll pick them up and bring them back the next day." This means we can only go away for 2 days axiom and now have time restrictions either side. I'm upset and angry as I feel time after time this happens and I always come second place. I have an amazing relationship with 2 out of 3 of my Dsc. The youngest is very hostile and rude all the time and dh defends him when he's rude to me but not when he's being rude to anyone else. When I look after the childrenn when dh is at work the nastiness is 10 times worse as he knows i can't discipline him. For that reason I was really looking forward to the break. When he's good he's such a sweet loving child but sadly those occasions are so rare. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 18/03/2016 16:40

Why on earth are you not allowed to discipline when your dh is not there? And why does he allow his child to be rude to you? That needs addressing pronto

As to the rest no you aren't being unreasonable to be disappointed. What is mum's excuse for not being able to have them? I would be telling her plans are made and so it's tough to be honest!

RidersOnTheStorm · 18/03/2016 16:46

I'd tell her too bad and just go.

CocktailQueen · 18/03/2016 16:49

She's doing it deliberately - right in the middle of your week, to cause maximum upset. Tell her plans are made and tough.

Also, you and dh need to talk about him supporting you with the dsc. If you're looking after them, you are disciplining them if they need it! He should be pulled up on every rudeness.

Wdigin2this · 18/03/2016 16:51

A) of course you must dicipline DSC when his dad isn't there! What if all of the kids got up to some mischief, would you tell the other kids off, but not him....how would that go down?!

B) if you'd made arrangements when EW agreed to have her DC, then it's up to her to find alternative child care, if she can't do it...and your DH, should be the one to insist upon it!

Original poster

Mandp76 · 18/03/2016 17:05

I get told it's none of my business as arrangements are between the two of them. They both have joint custody so dh sees it as a bonus that we have the children the majority of the time. I agree with him on that. He says he has to be there for the children but Tbh they're quite happy being with mum as they don't spend much time with her.

On dss I try to put him on the step, send him to bed etc and he simply says "no, make me!" I can't make him as once I lifted him.and put him on the step and the EW phoned my dh and told him I was physically abusing my Dsc by doing this. Dh told me not to touch dss again. The dss does the same with his mum but he swears at the and hits her. He's 10 years old.

OP posts:

luckiestgirlintheworld · 18/03/2016 17:08

That must be SO disappointing about your holiday. Would it not work to just say (or get DH to say) that you were planning a holiday and could she cancel her Wednesday plans. If she's at all reasonable she'll see what a good opportunity it is to take a couples holiday and she'll accommodate.

CalicoBlue · 18/03/2016 17:31

You really need to have your Dh's support on these matters.

Fine, if it is none of your business about the contact arrangements, then you should not be expected to look after your step kids then. If you are looking after them, then you need to be considered.

Also if DSS is rude and disobedient you should be able to discipline him. There are ways to do this without physically having to do anything to him. No TV, take away a toy or game till he is sorry etc. Give him warnings and say that if he does that again then xyz will happen, and follow through.

My DSS used to be like this with me, and I refused to look after him without Dh there. Now he has to go to his DM if DH is away.

To survive a blended family you and your DH need to have time together. We do one weekend a quarter, it makes all the difference.

Wdigin2this · 18/03/2016 18:57

That's ridiculous!! If any child was rude and bad mannered towards me, I'd either insist on the right to dicipline him appropriately......or refuse point blank to look after him. If it's not your business, it's not your responsibility!

CocktailQueen · 18/03/2016 19:08

So dh is happy that your holiday will have to be cancelled? She only sees the dc one night a week? Selfish bat.

I wouldn't be happy with looking after dh's kids and not being allowed to discipline them, and dh not backing me up. I'd refuse to look after them at all - can't he see how unfair he's being? Angry on your behalf!

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/03/2016 19:22

Take a friend and seriously consider your future op.

DontMindMe1 · 18/03/2016 20:20

i would refuse to look after any child who i could not discipline within reason in my care.

Little Lord Fauntelroys don't get to dictate the rules!

RidersOnTheStorm · 18/03/2016 20:30

i would refuse to look after any child who i could not discipline within reason in my care.

This with bells on.

Wdigin2this · 19/03/2016 07:55

I like a Armful's idea...tell him you don't want to waste the holiday, so you're going on your own/with a friend. It may not be perfect, but maybe next time he won't be so keen to cave in to the ex!

swingofthings · 19/03/2016 10:32

The one think I would be asking my OH is 'aren't you feeling disappointing that we will only have two days instead of a week away together'. He will probably say that he is, but the reality is that he was that gutted, he would have told his ex to make her own arrangement for these days, or at least, as a minimum, apologised to you and started to make efforts to try to arrange another time.

I'm very sorry but I would be questioning how committed he is to you and whether he is with you because he loves you are a person or as someone who can hold the fort and allow him to have residency of his kids.

Wdigin2this · 19/03/2016 13:24

Have to agree with Swing....how committed to YOU is he?!

Busybuzzybumblebee · 19/03/2016 14:36

If you're the main home and you do the majority of care then it's madness you can't discipline the children. Surely your dp should be seeing you as a team and trust you in his absence to hold the fort. If he's telling your dss that you can't do anything then of course he'll be a nightmare as he knows full well he can get away with it.

I'd be saying no more looking after them until he allows you to parent.

I'd also be saying that either he asks the ew to stick to the original arrangement regarding the week or you'll go with friend/own without him.

It doesn't seem like he respects you or your role within the family unit and it needs addressing

3littlefrogs · 19/03/2016 14:49

Take a friend on holiday and let your DH look after his children.

Tell him he will be sorting out a childminder as you will not be looking after children you are not allowed to discipline. It is not good for them.

MrsUniverse · 20/03/2016 03:04

You go away OP. Have your holiday. He can watch his own damn kids.

lateforeverything · 20/03/2016 07:50

Morning, first ever post on here sorry if it's a bit long. I have a 12yo dss who has lived with us full time for 4+ years, dh and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8. Dss has no contact with mum (her choice) so if it weren't for doting grandmas we'd never get a break. We only have 1, not 6 but ykwim!

Anyway! Dss is an angel most of the time and I 100% adore him but when he first moved in, on the occasions when he wasn't, dh had a really irritating habit of of undermining me right in front of dss. (It drives me mad just thinking back to those days! ) Anyway, I was very upfront with dh and the him that we would have ZERO chance of a future as a family if I was not going to be respected in my own home. It is simply NOT ON.

Luckily he shaped up and after an honest talk he told me that he subconsciously struggled discipline because he felt bad for all the upheaval that dss had been through and tbh that was what was behind most of dss' little episodes but I explained that imo, letting dss get away with things just because of the situation would do him no favours later in life because we are here to be parents, not friends.

Your dh really needs to address this situation with his son and probably 1on1 without you there. I back Armful's idea, go with a friend- that'll give the boys plenty of time to talk Seriously though, if dh cannot see things from your perspective then I suppose you have some real considerations to make about your future. You don't deserve to feel in second place all the time.

Wishing you well, hope you manage to enjoy your break owoa.

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 09:00

Latefor, you hit the nail on the head.....parents are for parenting, they are not friends!

VimFuego101 · 20/03/2016 09:12

Well said, latefor.

lateforeverything · 20/03/2016 09:22

Thank you both, I'm a teacher too so I see both sides of the coin...

It's amazing how many parents befriend their chn and want the school to parent them but that's a separate conversation

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 09:35

....but a very valid one!

lateforeverything · 20/03/2016 10:31

Indeed! I even took out the court documents and said, "Look! it says that we have PR, it's not a Friendship Agreement!" He got the gist then.

At the end of the day, it's about respect. Mum, stepmum, whoever. If you care for a child as well as you possibly can then you earn that respect and deserve it but you're unlikely to get it unsupported by other relevant adults.

It's not been a bed of roses but I'll tell you what, my dss is a young man with a strong moral compass who makes us so proud and I do take credit for that. I adore him and we are beyond close but I believe in tough love and I don't apologise for that.

I'd rather have gone through it all and come out stronger as a family than have a child who constantly acts out and has excuses made for him, who everybody feels a bit sorry for deep down.

And with regards to the OP's holiday, I'd be gone like a shot. Time to oneself is a requirement for one's sanity, mum or stepmum!

Wdigin2this · 20/03/2016 11:59

I also practiced tough love, I lived by the creed of ...if you threaten you follow through, and if you promise you deliver!

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