completely at the end of my tether.

[Mandp76]

Maybe I am being unreasonable here but I really have had enough to the point of my marriage of one year (together nearly 7) is suffering. My children and DH children all live with us. Dsc mum sees them one night a week but has offered to have them for 1 week of the easter holidays which coincided with my children going to their dad's for a week. Perfect!
Me and dh made plans to go away for the week, first time ever! Not easy with 6 children FT. Then DH ex phoned up and said "oh I can't have them Sunday or Wednesday night now so I'll pick them up and bring them back the next day." This means we can only go away for 2 days axiom and now have time restrictions either side. I'm upset and angry as I feel time after time this happens and I always come second place. I have an amazing relationship with 2 out of 3 of my Dsc. The youngest is very hostile and rude all the time and dh defends him when he's rude to me but not when he's being rude to anyone else. When I look after the childrenn when dh is at work the nastiness is 10 times worse as he knows i can't discipline him. For that reason I was really looking forward to the break. When he's good he's such a sweet loving child but sadly those occasions are so rare. Am I being unreasonable here?

Latefor that is the same conversation I had with dp! It went something along the lines of "I will not have Disney parenting, you are their PARENT not their best mate now bloody act like it because I will not take their shitty attitude any longer." It ended with an ultimatum of deal with their behaviour or I am off.

Luckily he has learnt albeit slowly and we have a much better relationship with each other and the kids as a result.

I adore my both dss and dsd and I think they feel the same. Dss will talk to me about issues at school long before his parents and doesn't bugger about or strop anywhere near as much for me. It took a long time for him especially to realise that I wasn't a push over and as much as I love the bones of him I will not stand for his crap. Now that dd is hitting the terrible2's and is getting into trouble and having to have timeout etc he is starting to see more that it is how a parent(figure) acts and not just an evil step mum.

He seems quite disappointed at times that I am not the stereotypical evil step mum, his mates think I rock which he secretly loves but openly hates

wheresthel1ght Disney! Love it!

To be fair our case wasn't so severe but there was some definite over compensation going on and whilst dss was never that shitty in his attitude, he was at risk of becoming a total wet weekend and I would cringe thinking about the type of man he was going to turn into lol.

I know what you mean about the mates thing. Dss gets it double whammy because until last year he was a pupil at my school too and all his friends were like hey! Your mum's actually really cool compared to the other teachers, to which he didn't really give a reply hee hee.

Late for - you made some very good points! I wish you could have talked with DP and my eldest DSDs mum years ago.

OP I feel for you, been in many similar situations and in the end separated from DP temporarily as it was exhausting being ignored/second class citizen in your own home. It was good at first but in the end I took action so that my own DS didn't also feel crap. It's better now but a tough journey!

My Ex was also really crap, he'd change visits, cut them short. I could never go away. Then one day I just booked a flight on the days we agreed, for me. Lo and behold, he got back to change but I reminded him that, as I'd said, flights booked, tough. I had to do that for at least a year, before he started to just stick to it!

Why not do the same. Don't ask DP, just write off Easter but do a lot for yourself that week. Then ask DP to sort out summer dates, immediately book a cheap flight/train tickets, anything really that cannot be changed once dates are agreed and email to DP.

Thanks bananas! Sometimes people can take me the wrong way but gladly (so far anyway) on here ppl seem to realise that not all SMs are evil and some of us just genuinely want what's best for our dsc.

Yes I really feel for the OP too, I really don't miss those days of chopped and changed visits for no apparent reason. I knew at the time that it was all about spite, which has been proved by the fact since we secured a UK Residency Order and PR for me (bio mum lives in Europe) and the 3 of us live here full time now, bio mum has not visited for 4+ years and has chosen to have zero contact with dss. She's remarried and is trying for a girl with her dh 'because that's what he'd always preferred'

I personally cannot relate to her attitude but at least we can get on with our lives and dss is thriving in a stable home environment.

Very interesting latefor and wheresthelight, that although you both advocate discipline parenting, you both actually used the word 'adore' relating to your DSC.

That's all it comes down to, if you really care/adore/love your SC, they will know it and as such, accept discipline from you. The problem comes with step-parent want to discipline the kids (directly or via their father), but don't actually care for the kids. Children know very well how adults feel for them, even if the adult think they hide it well, and will be much less receptive to an adult who can at best only hide their true feelings.

Hi there swingofthings! Yes I spotted that too dss is indeed the apple of my eye.

You make an excellent point re: caring for chn, though not suggesting in any way that the OP is uncaring (!) Dss' bio mum's dh is a classic example... Did not actually give 2 hoots about dss when they were in touch but really did love the sound of his own voice. He loved playing the role of sf but if dss needed help with something or was feeling ill, the man was nowhere to be seen.

So, I might be seen as too strict for a 'mere' sm by some and they are welcome to have their own opinion but ateotd I've held dss' hand at the dentist, taught him to read, had his sick in my hair, you get the picture and if dh and I end up having any more kids, the story will be just the same. I think that discipline enables greater develop of life skills. (Sorry, the teacher in me always creeps out!) The roles in our family are not defined by being blood related or not but by the love that we have and that has grown beyond my wildest dreams over time.

Cheesy but true

Sorry totally disagree with above about having to love DSCs in order to discpline. Fair yes. Take a bit of time, yes. Try and get their own parent to do it, yes. But failing that, you can't just take crap.

I never adored my eldest DSDs!

However they were mean to my own DCs and I would have been a bad parent indeed if I didn't discpline my DSCs bad behaviour.

Unfortunately, it''s often when a child's behaviour is let get out of hand by a parent that it is really hard for SM or step siblings to even begin to bond, develop a relationship. The bedrock, the starting point, is a level of civility and cooperation.

Firstly thank you for all your posts and advice.
I have a fantastic relationship with dsd and dss1. I love them like I love my own. All of us have a fantastic relationship (my children and stepchildren together and also my Dh with my children. The stumbling block is dss2. We've pin pointed most of the behavioural problems down to a) when he comes back from his mum and 2) when he's tire and 3) when ive got him on my own. In between he's just a typical little boy.
I've talked to Dh and told him I won't be looking after him on my own until he learns to behave. I've spent so much time working on a relationship with ds2 but he just tells me I'm not his mum so he doesnt care about me.
The holiday problem although I'm still upset and disappointed over it, dsc'smum decided she needed to spend time with her boyfriend. Dsc were really upset. I felt so sorry for them that I decided not to make a scene as I felt it would be cruel to make dsc feel rejected by their mum and me.
Dh and me are just about to set off soon though for 2 glorious child free days together now. I suppose I should be grateful for small mercies. Sadly dsc mum will not put them first so that's down to me and dh.

Glad you are getting a couple of days with your DP.

I think your DSS2 sounds like my DSD2, wouldn't take anything, discipline or help from me as 'I wasn't her mother' and DP also, unhelpfully undermined this. Like in your situation. It's good that you are not looking after him on your own but until your DP and you are able to discipline him, it'll get worse. My DSD2 is still very dependent and giving her parents grief.

I don't think you have to love DSC to be allowed to dicipline them! If you're in the position of looking after them, then of course you must dicipline them, especially if you have your own DC or DC with DH.....you can't allow rules for one child to be different to the other!

Oh yes I see what you mean, you don't necessarily need to feel love but I couldn't bear dss being subjected to a power trip by someone who deep down did not care about him at all. I interpreted that post differently I think!

Enjoy your break OP!

Not much to add but IMO you are not being unreasonable