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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Family and Stepchildren

32 replies

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 08:28

Hi everyone, I have a question.
How are your family with your stepchildren? Have they been warm and welcoming towards them, or have they been rejecting of them?

I only ask because my family have never seemed to like my Dsd- even after 3 years they don't seem to see her as part of the family. But what makes it worse, and this is the bit I really can't understand, my DB has stepchildren and my family see them as grandchildren/nephews and absolutely adore them. Always have done. They always talk about them and show an interest in them, they always give them presents for birthdays/Christmas etc...
In short, they see them both very much as part of the family. They ignore Dsd and the only time they talk to her is when they are having a go at her.

A couple of my family members have said they don't really like her and that I should be careful being in a relationship with someone with a child. But yet it's ok for my DB? Granted he has been with his partner for 10 years now, but even at the beginning they were so welcoming towards his stepsons.

They are making family occasions quite uncomfortable when we're all together. Me and my partner have just had a baby and we live together- surely it's time to start taking my relationship with Dsd seriously, rather than pretending she doesn't exist. My mum couldn't believe it when I told her I will be looking after Dsd more whilst I'm on maternity leave.
I fear they are only going to get worse now I've had a baby.

What are other people's experiences?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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kittybiscuits · 12/03/2016 08:32

I wouldn't put up with this or allow a step child to. I would vote with my feet and say no more 'family events' until they are ready to change their behaviour. They 'don't really like her' and they have a go at her. WTAF. No way!

lunar1 · 12/03/2016 08:35

Bloody hell, I'd be steering clear of them. She is a child and they are being mean to her. Your instincts are right, she should be treated the same as your brothers step children.

Apart from anything else you don't want your own child growing up to think it's ok to behave like this to her sister.

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 08:41

I agree kitty. I've pulled my mum up on it several times and told her that this can't go on. Every time she said she will make "more of an effort" and will talk to the others. Never happens.
They came visit yesterday afternoon with some gifts for baby DD, cooed over her etc.. Completely blanked Dsd, no little gift for her, and then my sister told her to leave the baby alone when she went to coo over her as well! My DP was really pissed off at this point and asked my sister what harm Dsd is doing. Cue early exits. I was quite relieved actually.

OP posts:

PennyDropt · 12/03/2016 08:41

Mysogynism? I see the other DSCs are male. The DB is a male.

How were they towards you? Were you the 'difficult' child (by that I mean given that role in the family and still in it in their eyes)

My DM definitely preferred boys.

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 08:43

I know lunar, I really want them to be close. And I don't want them poisoning dd's head against her sister.

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kittybiscuits · 12/03/2016 08:44

That's awful. Poor Dsd. I would say 'You promised an improvement. There is no sign of it. Please don't come here again or expect to see us.' Do they have form for bad behaviour? How do they treat you?

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 08:54

I'm the baby of the family, so they think they know what's best for me and still try to tell me what to do iyswim. It's so frustrating.

Penny I do think there is an element of mysogynism. They have never uttered a bad word about DB's stepsons or their dad. But they don't like Dsd (or her mum) for some reason and I think it is to do with females hating other females. It's so bloody pathetic.
My dad keeps out of it.

They are very much blood is thicker than water, with my DB's family being an exception obviously.

OP posts:

PennyDropt · 12/03/2016 09:04

Yes, my DS is the baby of the family and is still talked about by other siblings in a 'what has she done now' tone of voice.

She is a successful 56 year old - so don't expect things to change unless you challenge them on it but it wouldn't be easy. You could be more 'bossy' and pull them up angrily on what they do forcing them to see you in a different light. But that will prob go against your nature.

swingofthings · 12/03/2016 09:13

Why don't they like her? Is it really just because she's a girl? How old is she?
Your SD is very lucky to have you so supportive and fighting for her integration in your family. In a way, this will touch her more than their rejection.

I think the way you and DP reacted when they visited was great. Maybe if you continue to stand up for her, they will gradually start to come to realisation that they have no choice but to accept her.

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 09:44

I don't know swing because she's never actually done anything to make them dislike her. She's a really good kid and a lovely girl. She's 8, so they've known her since she was 5.
I guess they dislike her because she's "not mine". But then my DB has stepchildren so they are hypocrites. They don't take my role in her life seriously, so don't take her seriously as an integral part of the family. She's separate to them for some reason, like an inconvenient add on.

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 12/03/2016 09:51

Manc I would be protecting your dsd and telling them that until they can treat her as an equal member of the family then you don't want them anywhere near her or you.

My entire family both immediate and extended have accepted my dsd and dss from day 1. They are included in family event invites, present giving at birthdays/Christmas, family photos etc. My sister had never met them when she asked me if I thought they would want to be bridesmaid and page boy at her wedding.

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 12:21

I wish my family were like that wheres.
Speaking of family photos, I asked my dad if he could take a photo of us all yesterday (me,dp and 2 dds), when my mum butted in and was going to Dsd trying to shoo her away "oh no no not you, just your dad and manc with their little baby".
I said to my mum that no we want one of all of us. The look on her face- she was not happy one bit. She just walked away muttering something to herself.
DP was already pissed off at this point and then he snapped when my sister told Dsd to leave the baby alone.

I don't think they will be coming here in the near future. Tbh I don't want them to.

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wheresthel1ght · 12/03/2016 12:40

Your poor dsd and dp! I would be livid/hurt/disappointed in my family if they behaved in that manner.

My house is covered in photos of all 3 kids (dp and I have a 2.5 yo). I hate my photo being taken so most "family" ones are dp and the kids lol. However the most touching thing was when my cousin came over for Xmas when his first born was 1, it was the first time all my Nan's kids/grandkids/great grandkids had been in one place so we wanted a pic to commemorate it and at no point was it even considered that dsd and dss would not be indcluded. In fact they call my parents granny/grandpa off their own backs and my nan is great granny

Original poster

Manc26 · 12/03/2016 12:59

I am definitely feeling all of those things. This is my little family and it hurts that they can't just accept it. It's become even more apparent now because dd is here. She is dsd's baby sister and I'm the mum of dsd's sister- surely those two things are important!

Your family sound lovely and it's really nice to hear a story where all children are seen as equal and loved by all family members, no matter who their parents are. I bet it was wonderful having a photo of all of the all together with their baby cousin/sibling. Nice memory to cherish.

Our house has lots of photos of Dsd on her own/with her dad/all 3 of us and now there will be plenty of photos of dd to add to that. And yes, my mum has made snidey comments about how cringey some of the photos are where it looks like I'm trying to play happy families. We are fucking happy that's why- no trying about it. I hate it when she comes here I really do.

OP posts:

Chocolatteaddict1 · 12/03/2016 13:08

I'd honestly ask them not to come to your house untill they can show her kindness and respect.

You have to go all out to make sure your dsd feels that she is an integral part of your family so that when your baby comes they can both love each other dearly with no resentment. Your family sound as if they are cultivating that.

I was a step child and never experienced that off my step mothers family (SM was a different issue) and my own DGM regales strangers of stories of how many DGC she has as she count all her step DGC as natural ones and they get the same presents ect.. At Xmas, Easter, birthdays.

Your family sound awful tbh.

Matilda2013 · 12/03/2016 13:12

My family are probably over the top with dsd and we don't even have our own kids yet. They buy her presents they come to see her every weekend and they get really disappointed if we go anywhere without her. She was with my family for Christmas dinner and definitely the most spoiled person in the room!

Fuzz01 · 12/03/2016 13:16

How often do you have your DSD? Could it be that their haven't formed a bond due to less opportunities to visit family and your DB being around his DSC more (guessing they live with his DP ) is why they might be more actively involved. It maybe difficult to establish a relationship with an older child aswell, i'm not very good with older kids i dont really know. How old were your DB step children when they got together? Maybe they don't feel a connection to her but they should try and include her in things certainly not exclude her. I would definately not stand for it and make it clear that even more so you will not be visiting if they dont treat them the same.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 12/03/2016 13:18

I would really not be even having them in my house! Poor dsd it will be hard enough for her having a new sibling along with all the complications of it being in a blended family. To have your family basically reinforce any fears she might have is awful..

wheresthel1ght · 12/03/2016 13:49

Manc that is absolutely the most important thing! You, dp, dd and dsd are a family unit so of course your pictures should reflect that!

I would certainly be raising the double standards and asking what the hell their problem is.

DarthPrincess · 12/03/2016 14:02

My family are split. My wonderful grandmother treats dsd exactly the same as my own two. If she gives one a £1 she gives all three. My parents flits between the two sides - sometimes including her sometimes not. My paternal grandparents? Dont think they even know I have a step daughter nor would they care and she certainly wouldn't be welcome ( I am non contact with them so she doesn't need to deal with them)
Maybe they cope better with your brother's step children as they live with brother so are seen as being there as family where's in your situation they see it as 'visiting'

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 12/03/2016 14:44

I would honestly be considering dropping contact with your family unless their appalling treatment of all three of you changes.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 12/03/2016 18:52

What is the difference between you and your brother with your parents? It seems weird, hurtful and petty of them. My family are totally welcoming and inclusive of anyone in the family, which includes steps, exes, adoptees, anyone.

Wdigin2this · 13/03/2016 23:35

I wonder if your DB's DSS's live with him permanently, but your DSD only spends weekends, etc with you ? If that's the situation, maybe they're seeing it as she's an outsider because she mainly lives with her DM???

NNalreadyinuse · 13/03/2016 23:41

If I was your dsd's parent I would be going absolutely bat shit at my dd being treated like this and told off by your family. I am surprised your dp was as restrained as he was! People like this would not be allowed in my house - the obvious favouritism will only get worse as the children get older.
You hsve to protect your dsd - she needs you to look after her.

MissWimpyDimple · 13/03/2016 23:52

As before, could it be that it's because your DBs stepchildren live with him for the majority of the time and Dsd only "visits"?

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