Family and Stepchildren

[Manc26]

Hi everyone, I have a question.
How are your family with your stepchildren? Have they been warm and welcoming towards them, or have they been rejecting of them?

I only ask because my family have never seemed to like my Dsd- even after 3 years they don't seem to see her as part of the family. But what makes it worse, and this is the bit I really can't understand, my DB has stepchildren and my family see them as grandchildren/nephews and absolutely adore them. Always have done. They always talk about them and show an interest in them, they always give them presents for birthdays/Christmas etc...
In short, they see them both very much as part of the family. They ignore Dsd and the only time they talk to her is when they are having a go at her.

A couple of my family members have said they don't really like her and that I should be careful being in a relationship with someone with a child. But yet it's ok for my DB? Granted he has been with his partner for 10 years now, but even at the beginning they were so welcoming towards his stepsons.

They are making family occasions quite uncomfortable when we're all together. Me and my partner have just had a baby and we live together- surely it's time to start taking my relationship with Dsd seriously, rather than pretending she doesn't exist. My mum couldn't believe it when I told her I will be looking after Dsd more whilst I'm on maternity leave.
I fear they are only going to get worse now I've had a baby.

What are other people's experiences?

My parents and sister love my dsd, they buy her gifts and invite her to parties etc. She calls them Grandma & Granddad and Aunty & Uncle, her mum complained at the start about that but her siblings (half siblings but we never actually use the half bit), call them that and so she follows. My sister has a dsd too but she's in her 30's with her own family and my parents haven't seen her in 15 yrs'ish, but when they did see her they were just the same.

I can never understand why family seem to feel the need to treat children differently purely because they're not biologically related. I do wonder whether these same families would have the same reaction if e.g. The children were adopted rather than step children, based on the fact that they wouldn't be considered biological DC iyswim.

I don't have DSC but personally I wouldn't stand for them being treated differently if I did. Although I know my family never would.

My EXh has a DSD and from what my DS says ex ILs treat her the same as all the other kids. I don't know much about XH's dp's family but from what DS tells me her mum is good to him and he gets on well with her.

No way would I put up with this. She's a child for goodness sake.

I've been very fortunate in that I have a 12yo dss who lives with us full-time, no contact with bio mum (her choice) and I have PR (no other chn) and my sister has a ds. My mum always refers to her '2 grandsons' especially since dss moved in 4 years ago, aged 7. Ok, it obviously wasn't that way immediately but all of my family made a huge effort to get to know and love dss and likewise, he's a great kid who adores them back. My aunt adopted 2 children from care but they are never referred to or treated any differently. We're all just cousins!

Dss' bio mum decided a while back that she does not want to have a relationship with dss as she remarried and her husband has always preferred the idea of having a daughter (yes really!) so essentially my family is dss' family and we'll eventually probably look at the possibility of full adoption.

I hope that things improve for you!

His DM doesn't want him in her life because her new man would prefer a girl???!!! OMG, how lucky is that child, that you are now his 'mother'?!

Thank you Wdigin2this

As she told told me a few years ago, "You are the mother that my son needs." And woe betide anybody who says that I'm not a 'real' mum to dss(!) He knows his family history and does remember some of his relatives but he's also learnt the hard way that blood is not necessarily thicker than water and he is very, very protective of my role in his life, bless him

If anything, we have an opposite problem to the OP... dss' bio family refuse to acknowledge him now that he lives us which I cannot understand and there are only so many unanswered letters and messages that even the most well-intentioned SM can sent I have not spoken in detail with her family re: PR, court etc but my suspicion is that they do not know how willingly bio mum wanted to sign dss over. I suspect that they think that I 'stole' him or whatever. Tbh I don't care what they think as I haven't changed phone number or address and I never told them not to contact dss.

I've read on here that SMs should refrain from using the term 'bio mum' out of respect but when the lady in question hasn't laid eyes on dss in 3 years, does not phone or acknowledge birthdays or Christmas due to lack of funds (but drives a car that costs 3x mine ), blocks the SM on whatsapp because she doesn't want photos or updates on the child BUT puts on Facebook that she's trying for a baby girl then I have to question how much respect is really due but that is just mo and I know that our case is relatively unusual.

My family behave like this.

I have since distanced myself from them, my Mum doesn't even buy them a small gift for their birthdays and asked me the other day if she "should bother" with Easter eggs for them.

I absolutely hate it, we are a family of 6 not a family of 2.

Put your foot down with them OP!

I thought of this post yesterday purplerain as I was in the supermarket and went to pay for dss' Easter egg when my sister pointed out that our mum had already bought him the exact same one a week before.

For a split second I was annoyed/frustrated as it wasn't one he'd asked for but I knew he'd really like it and dh and I were feeling rather pleased with ourselves for picking it up but we'd actually been pipped to the post!

But then I realised how lucky dss is to be so loved by my mum and how great it is that she knows him so well.

It's a shame that you've had to distance yourself, but in your shoes I would have too. Happy Easter!