Please refer me to the place where it suggests I'm painting myself in a better light, Cast? I referred to my meeting of DSS, but if you'd prefer, would you like me to use examples of other stepparent meetings so you can stop accusing me of taking the moral high ground? I simply gave my perspective because it is my own, and at no point did I say "this is right and that is wrong" - I said "this is what she considered fair, and this is what she suggested would be done when she met someone"
Being judged and feeling judged are two different entities, also. I imagine you have taken umbrage because I've had the audacity to voice an opinion - I am wondering if this is striking a nerve with you. If this is the case, I'm sorry you've experienced something that is causing you to lash out at me when other people have commented that they feel my stance on being a SM is very balanced.
My ex went with her demands because we felt they were very reasonable, and because he respects her as a mother. Have you experienced co-parenting, by any chance? This is a normal thing - both parents decide whats normal and reasonable, and you respect it. My DP, like his ex, merely expressed that he too would like to be first to meet her partner, and she agreed to this as recently as a week ago.
I would respectfully ask you to consider how YOU would feel being lied to, and then picking up the pieces when you are trying to help your stepson make sense of something that you cannot understand because, funnily enough, you've been lied to. How does DP or I explain to him when we do not have the knowledge? What his mother does is her choice, but when it comes to affecting the stability of a young child, who lives with his Dad and I 50% of the time, it becomes our issue and our business.
I'd also like to ask you how you would feel if you son or daughter was being cared for under my roof, and whether you'd prefer I took absolutely no interest in his or her outside influences, challenges or stability. I always find this particularly amusing - many people assume step-parents quite simply shut the door on the kids when they leave and that's that for another week. Fact is, you couldn't be more wrong - I love my stepson, and that means loving him 24/7. If his stability or state of mind is being compromised, irrespective of intent or malice, it becomes my issue and my business because I take being a parental figure seriously, which is something DP's ex has always appreciated. Voicing an opinion doesn't always mean anger or disapproval, you'll find in the course of my relationship with DP I have worked with DP's ex to support and bring up DSS which includes plenty of instances of "That's a fab idea" 
This is the kind of shit that really does perpetuate this idea that stepparents should cease to have an opinion or voice within blended families - that somehow poor decisions (and as a threesome, we have ALL made them, so the 'moral high ground' stuff is nonsense, frankly) should be ignored by the stepparent because they 'don't have the right'. I always find it incredibly alarming that you get people coming in here saying 'she has no right' and 'she needs to butt out' but also expects the stepparent to treat their children with respect and love. Respecting and loving anybody means protecting them, being honest with other people and admitting when you've made mistakes. I suppose by your logic, I don't have the right to love or protect him, as we don't have the right to politely say to DP's ex "Look, we're disappointed in how it worked out, but it's done now, so please be honest with us from now on as we just want whats best for DSS". I suppose next time my DSS is calling out for me in the night or asking me for food, I should turn a blind eye because "I'm just the stepmum", yeah? Perhaps next time he has a bad reaction to something that I feel could be eliminate from his diet, I should just "keep my nose out" because someone on MN's said that possibly disagreeing with DSS's Mum means I'm an angry lady 
I didn't realise that people who lied were universally being controlled. I didn't realise there had to be this background psychology behind it - DP's ex lied because she knew it pissed upon her promises to DP and that rightly, he would be annoyed - it's really not any more complicated than that. But sure, if you want to paint us as the demanding, controlling, interfering parents, be my guest. I'm not sure how you think a group of 30 year old adults can control each other, but maybe that's your experience, not mine. As I believe I stated earlier in the topic, we in fact have a very good balance between the 3 of us and the fact that my DP's ex actively speaks to me freely kind of renders the "stay out of her life" point redundant - but I'll let her know that a lady on the internet told me I'm controlling .