ExH new partner.....

[badgerread]

My exH and I split up 6 years ago. I have had a new partner for 3.5years (we don't live together) he has had one for 2.5 years and has just moved in with her and her 4 children (2.5hrs drive away)

We have two DS together (11 & 6) and up until 3/4 months ago had an amicable relationship. We would go to parents evening, school plays together, he would pop in and chat about the boys when dropping them off etc. Now the relationship has broken down. His new GF wants to arrange all contact and arrangements and he now never responds to my texts/calls and will only ever speak to me if he's driving home from work or if she is not there. I collected my DS's from him yesterday and text to see if he was at the meeting place, but she responded from her phone, he also asked me to text her when arranging collection this weekend, my response was, 'Why would I do that when I can text you?'. Apparently she has no relationship with her ex and therefore doesn't like ours. She has also asked him to start making separate appointments for parents evenings etc. It's really, really frustrating and I'm tempted to tell him to grow a pair.... My partner would never dream of acting like this and he also has two DS's with his ex. I just don't get why she feels the need to take over?? he has admitted she hates the fact we have any history and is jealous but FGS sake we're all mid 40's can't we all just grow up a bit!

I get that she is over the top OP and LookLuv.

But a new partner of a DP IS part of that child's life, IS part of the communication, IS part of DPs life and they will be a family unit. Anything to do with the children and DP will be part of the GFs life - whether it will be who will pick kids up, arrangements, all sorts of stuff.

Things always change with a new partner. OP and DP - neither had a live in partner until now. The DPs and OPs kids are to do with the new GF, whether the OP likes it or not. It is totally ingenious to separate these things - it only leads to another worse case scenario - which is totally cutting GF out of any arrangements or anything else to do with her step kids. They are part of her household now as well as OPs DPs.

Tbh honest it would be good if there was a middle ground, where the SM is allowed to draw some boundaries, is accepted by children's mum as a part of their lives which will include practicalities. But also where it is accepted by SM that there is history with child's mum, there will be a certain amount of shared conversations and shared parents evenings etc. Cutting her out, or being totally controlling as this SM - neither is great.

I disagree too Banana. In an ideal world, if you were dealing with a normal woman who respected the past relationship between her dp and the mother of his dc, then yes, a situation might naturally evolve whereby the OP would talk easily to the gf about the kid's everyday arramgements. But the OP should stll be talking directly to her ex about parent evenings, any problems that their shared children are experiencing etc. A normal, reasonable woman would accept this and not resent it or try to control it.

The point here is that the gf is not behaving normally or reasonably and the best thing the OP can do is not indulge this control freakery. If she does, it will result in a situation where the OP is co parenting with someone who is not the parent of her children. She won't ever be able to freely discuss her dcs wellbeing, their achievements, their anxieties etc with the only other person pn the planet who loves them as much as she does. The gf is determined to freeze out the comfortable relationship that will be so good for those children in years to come, at graduations and wedding and when the OP and her ex share grandchildren.

Why should the OP indulge this, just because the new gf has insecurities? Those are not her problem and shouldn't be made into her children's problem either.
I'm firmly in the camp of telling the exh to relocate his balls!

NN makes a really good point - the GF is not behaving in a normal or healthy way. Why should it be indulged so that she is kept sweet?

The dad's covert behaviour underlines this - and now the OP cannot even rely on him to stand up for himself and their preferences as parents.

If the GF has made the dad feel that he can only speak to the mother of his children about his children when the GF is not there/doesn't know about it, then that is wrong. It's not best for the children. I'd be worried that if she's calling the shots on this and the father is going along with it (to her face) then what else will she want to control?

Speaking as a stepmother, it's great for a new SM to show an interest. But what this woman is doing is negative, not positive.

I couldn't disagree more with bananas. I think the absolute opposite. The involvement of a stepparent should develop naturally and progress over time as everyone is comfortable with the situation.

Why the hell should some new person waltz in and start dictating how everyone has to behave.

This could lead to a horrible breakdown in what was a perfectly healthy co-parenting relationship.

I'm a SM and there's no way I would do this. Contact arrangements are between my DH and his ex. I've never even spoken to/met her. I've got her phone number but it would have to be a real emergency before I would ever use it. I also know they chat to each other about their children, that's a positive.

If I was you I would block her number/emails and insist on arrangements being done by their father. The SM needs to grow up. Both of you have moved on, have new partners, I don't think you should pander to her insecurity. Yes, she needs to know when contact is, but your ex can just tell her!

Bananas it is fine for the GF to be involved in contact arrangements. But this lady had completely taken over the arrangements and excluded the children's father from it altogether. This isnt normal. If OP's DP did the same you would have two step-parents arranging contact for children to have with their parents without either parent having any involvement in it. Thats not normal.

I don't understand your position banana. Every day there are posts here about SM complaining that DP rely too much on them to take over the role of the parent with a constant acknowledgment that this is not acceptable and that fathers should step up and accepts their responsibilities.

Here is a father who was doing just that, but is prevented from doing so by his new partner. Surely if someone is doing wrong by everyone, it is her? If she feels that she needs to take control because of her insecurities, she needs to work on these for herself, not expect everyone to change their ways to accommodate her issues?

If my ex had stated that all communication need to go through his partner, I would have been very clear that this would never happen. I haven't had kids with her, I had kids with him. If I communicate with him, it's not because I want to, it's because I have to as he is the father of my children. So why would I want to communicate with someone who isn't.

Yes this woman has become involved in the life of her SC, but certainly not taken over. I think Wdigin suggestion for a response is spot on.

OP, I would put your foot down about this immediately. I have learned from bitter experience...

My ex-h left for OW. She demanded that he cut us off completely, financially and otherwise. So he did weak. She wanted my DS, but no involvement from me at all. It is a long and hideous story. 2.5 years on, she has driven such a huge wedge between my ex-h and I that we are literally unable to communicate, he won't even look at me and dumps my DS on the doorstep and drives off, often leaving him with a note in his hands if he needs to tell me something. It is utterly disgusting. My DS does not have overnights (thankfully). My ex-h has accepted her demands for minimal contact. Our DS is 5 years old and also has ASD.

We are now in a CAF situation via DS's school to attempt a parallel parenting plan because of the damage this situation is doing to my DS. OW is an utter insecure nightmare and thankfully has very little involvement with my child. I have made every attempt possible to communicate with my ex, but he is so under the thumb that he is unable to do so. He even has a separate phone for me as I am "not allowed" to have his main phone number. He regularly cuts that phone off if I am deemed to be "abusing" it . I have also been given "acceptable" timeframes of when I am allowed to contact him (and most definitely no emergency contact outside of these times in case it disturbs his sleep). You couldn't make it up.

If I were you, I would take up the suggestion upthread and text her in no uncertain terms that your relationship is with your ex-h and all arrangements will continue to be made through him. There is also a website called "2houses" which can be helpful for making arrangements. I know a few people who have used this successfully but I have not used it myself therefore can't comment further than that. It would be a huge pity if your previously good relationship with your ex was damaged any further. It might be better if he could get to the bottom of why his GF feels like this after several years together! Good luck.

I agree, Rude - if the OP's partner said to the OP's ex "I will be making contact arrangements for your children now and OP won't be answering any calls or messages from you" he would surely hit the roof?

It's bizarre. Stick to your guns, OP.

I can't make sense of this at all, on either of their parts. Well done OP for not having blown a gasket already. My DP and his ex have limited contact, evening and weekend contact are arranged months ahead by email and they chat at handover if anything's come up. He lets me know if there are any changes to the plan and I leave everything to do with parenting to the parents.

You and your ex had a closer relationship than DP and DSC mum do, it sounds like it worked really well. However I can't see how she can be threatened by you attending parents evenings or other events together? It's weird. Why now, just because they've moved in together, when she was fine with the status quo for years before?

As a PP said, doesn't she have enough on her plate with her own 4?

If I were you I wouldn't even bother messaging her, she'll know she's got to you. Keep all comms between ex and yourself, keep on saying it if it takes him a while to get it. And, as someone above suggested, maybe ask how he thinks it would work if all plans were made between his DP and your own - i.e. with no involvement between the parents. It might help the penny drop. They're being twats. Don't stand for it.

Bananas - this is not a NEW relationship, this has been going on with the father for 2.5 yrs.

It worked, she accepted it and now she wants to change it.

OP has accepted her in her childrends life and it has not been an issue. Why should the OP have to bend to her insecurities.

I agree it would be nice if the SM could phone the OP and say - snotty nose, trousers ruined etc but this is not what is happening.

OP - I let the situation drift for my DCS and in 3 yrs, they are pretty well excluded from their fathers life except for 2-4 hrs per week. Which I recently found out, he had been lying to her as to where he was. She found a photo of Ex and his DCS taken by me in my house on his phone. They alst saw him 3 weeks ago.

No one is suggesting cutting the GF from the arrangements, we are saying the father takes responsibility, which he has actively and which so many SMs on this forum moan about. This was good, it worked, GF knew the situation and now wants to change - NO No No.

lookluv...totally with you on this one. Your ex's "partner" sounds as lovely as mine...it's hideous to you.

Not hideous flowers punctuation fail

Some of you have had a very hard time with your Exes new partners! Theformidable that sounds just awful really. And she was the OW, I mean really, how dare she?!

Lookluv I really do take your points, and the OPs too. Are you okay out there OP?

But it is the first time either OP or Ex have actually lived with someone, that is the big change. SM is over the top, yes. To be cut off completely is harsh and unhealthy. But boundaries are healthy, just as long as they don't go too far! SM isn't wrong for asking for more boundaries now they have moved in, and OP isn't wrong for not being happy about no contact at all. It doesn't necessarily grow with time. And clarity is on the whole, good for the kids too. But just not this extreme, or this far. In my humble opinion! But who knows OP - maybe she is just absolutely crazy!

For you OP
He needs to grow some balls and she needs to keep her beak out.

The formidable - are we married to the same man.

She was also the OW - she has cut him off from his friends, family everyone. No one understands it but for my DCS it is tragic. I see his family more than he does - they have been fab.

OP - do not let the situation develop as the formidable and I find ourselves in. It is mothers day this sunday, I will guarantee EX will do nothing with our DCs - tears on Sunday when they realise - luckily I ahve the fabbest brother in the whole wide world, who will make sure this year they are sorted.

It is wrong, wrong wrong - can not see s justification for her behaviour, other than she grows up

lookluv (your username makes me smile!), yes quite possibly, yes to nothing on Mother's Day, yes to all of it. I have 3 very long threads on here about my ex, OW and my divorce. I would imagine most would think it's a work of fiction it's not. I hate hate hate how much the children suffer in these situations, yet the selfish bastards that enable it can't see it at all and are all full of "righteous indignation"...it's just a house of cards and good luck to them but you're not taking my child with you. Ever.

It is VITAL OP does not let this escalate but sometimes it just does, I have literally done everything possible to try and get some comms going with my ex. It has been an absolute waste of time, it really has. However, I am mystified by this situation where it's been OK for so long and now the GF is behaving like this...there is something behind the scenes that we don't know about...hence why I encouraged OP to look further...OP hasn't yet returned so we shall just have to wait and see...

lookluv..wine?

Hello!

Thank you so much for all your responses.

TheFormidable what an absolute nightmare for you. I just find it so frustrating that for 6 years everything has been fine (apart from the usual up and downs that divorced couples have). My partner is absolutely fine with parents evenings, plays, him coming in for a chat etc etc, so now it's all gone t*ts up the only factor that wasn't there before is her?

ExH has admitted to me that she is jealous and insecure about me, of which I have no idea why. I should have realised when a few months back before he was living there, my eldest Facetimed me and was told not to as all they could hear, 'was my voice'?! yet it's ok for them to Facetime the children on Christmas Day?

I haven't heard from her at all and have told my exH that I won't be dealing with her when it comes to arrangements with regard to the children, unless it's an absolute emergency. He said the reason it's changed is that before he was living at his parents, was single and had 100% flexibility and that we now need to get on as he's piggy in the middle?! erm no, just deal with me and leave her out of it? just as we have done for 6 years!

PS EXACTLY MeridienB!

What on earth is he painting himself in the middle of?? Your children have two parents, the only people in the middle of that dynamic are the children. Who up until he acquired a puppet master had no problems!

Hmm - I see both sides - if it appeared the SM had the children's interests at heart, oppose to appeasing her sense of insecurity, then making arrangements or contacting OP wouldn't be out of the ordinary in some blended family situations.

BUT, as OP has stated and given examples of, her exH who she has co-parented with for 6 years with no major issues is now facing objections not because of OP, or because of exH, but because of SM. That's not working in the interests of the children, that's altering boundaries because of insecurities. SM may very well not have that kind of relationship with her ex, but funnily enough, no two relationships are the same - so her point there is largely irrelevant.

Any decisions about parents evening, school plays or any other co-parent events is up to the parents. If exH chooses off his own bat to go alone or separately, that's his choice and shouldn't be because the SM has dictated.

I'm a SM, and I wouldn't dream of dictating to my DP what he should and shouldn't do with DSS Mum - and this is with a very acrimonious year behind us. I've suggested things, such as not entering the house but to pick up at doorstep, which has been echoed by EVERYBODY else we know, mainly because for a long time, my DP's ex would take any opportunity to get DP on 'her turf' and have a poke at him. After a couple of months of just doorstep pick ups, she stopped the attitude. DP choose off his own back to see teachers separately on parents evening, not because I said so, or because I can go too, but because DP finishes work late and can't make the same appointments as his ex, who always insisted he had to make a 3pm slot.

I do have contact with his ex, because she often prefers to text me arrangements and/or medication needs - DSS has allergies, asthma and bad eczema and with no disrespect to my DP, he isn't really very diligence about cream application or the latest dosage of allergy medication. DP also hates doing homework with DSS as he thinks at 6 years old its ridiculous, so DP's ex knows that speaking to me about it is more likely to yield a result. And I'm cool with that, because from my POV, I love my DSS and want him to grow into a stable, well rounded, healthy boy. If it means having to communicate with her, I'm OK. DP is also pretty useless with organizing things outside of work, so both DP and DP's ex usually run stuff past me which I'm grateful for, as it does impact my life because we have DSS each weekend.

Generally though, after a really hideous year of DP and his ex coming to blows (DP being undermined and provoked a lot of the time, although he was as guilty and took the bait) they now are on good terms, and if DP's ex wants to contact me sometimes, I know how to ensure boundaries are in place now. Before, she'd use opportunities to poke at DP without any response from me, which she disliked as she wanted back up - but I made it quite clear my contact with her was in case she needed to pass info on about my DSS, nothing else. She sometimes oversteps the boundaries and tries to be over friendly but I appreciate that she's thankful I'm in her sons life and I'm glad that for the most part, she gives me the freedom to bring up her son in part with DP.

I have a dsd, I'd expect to be told by exw to fuck right off if I tried to interfere with arrangements for her, I'm stunned someone would think they can get away with that. You need to tell your exh that you aren't going to do it and that he needs to sort it out at his end.

missybct seems ideal and what I am sure Formidable and I would both like.

I need gin in bucket loads this evening, to cope with the fact that DCs are not invited to their half brothers birthday party this evening.
So sad - she does not want them, as not enough space, no they can not facetime because it will upset the tea, they can not stay ON because their room is being used by her mother, no presents are not needed or cards from them because.......

OP - firm but in control, stick to your guns, I would not refuse to communicate with her at all, but only for emergency stuff.

lookluv - ahhh! Thanks, role of a SM is a bloody hard one but I believe I'm doing the right thing by everybody, whilst still keeping my marbles

I need gin and wine too - found out last night that DSS's Mum has introduced DSS to her 'friend' she met LAST SATURDAY for the first time. I was pretty that she thought it was a good idea to go back to hers (which my DP owns half of, natch) because a) it's where she and DSS lives and b) she'd only just met the bloke. But no, she decides it's perfectly OK to allow new bloke to pop round to see her on Weds with DSS in the house - better still, she didn't fucking tell us until last night. And lied about it, saying they only saw each other briefly. DP knows his ex drip feeds info, and "new bloke popping round" on Weds turned into "new bloke also came round Thurs" to "new bloke took ex to pick DSS up from school" to "new bloke drove them both home".

When I met DSS, I made sure I'd known his Dad (DP) for over two months and made sure I met DP's ex beforehand (DSS was 4 at the time). DSS is now 6, even more impressionable and going through a bit of a temper tantrum stage anyway, and has now been introduced to a bloke that his mum has known for FOUR days (but has been talking to online, natch). Not to mention she was seeing another bloke last month, which DSS knew existed (but had never met), and now some other bloke turns up on the door as a "friend" to check on Mummy - my DSS is not stupid, random guys don't turn up at Mummy's door unless it's the delivery driver from Pizza Hut.

Apparently it's OK though cos he works in the public sector, has kids and is a really nice bloke and her Mum likes him . DP's ex is 30. DP is understandably fuming, and has asked me to take over the arrangements at the moment because he knows given the chance he will let rip and that isn't going to help anybody right now. She's apologised and said "I understand why you feel that way" but at the same time said "He's nice though, it won't happen again!" which negates the point. I can't believe she's compromised the safety of herself and DSS, not to mention that this new bloke now knows a) where they live b) what DSS looks like and c) where he goes to fucking school!

I need gin in bucket loads this evening, to cope with the fact that DCs are not invited to their half brothers birthday party this evening.
So sad - she does not want them, as not enough space, no they can not facetime because it will upset the tea, they can not stay ON because their room is being used by her mother, no presents are not needed or cards from them because.......

That's really sad lookluv. How old are your DCs? Hope they are ok.
Is their dad at the party?

Thanks!
Yes Dad is there - I just wish and actually texted him that I wished he would grow a pair rapidly and start prioritising all 3 of his children.

Eldest is 9, middle 6 and their youngest brother 3 today.

Eldest now says OW, stole my Daddy. I gently explain that she and Daddy made a decision to live together ( after she pretended to be pregnant! - don't worry I do not tell them that) DS says I am wrong, Daddy can live with her but she stole our cuddle time, playtime and she makes him feel bad, so stops seeing us.

Whilst I appreciate, he makes his own choices, it breaks my heart to hear DS say this. He will in time realise that they are both equally responsible for the situation and that ultimately their father prioritised her over everyone.

As he has walked out on her 3 times in 3 yrs, last time January this year and life in their house is hell ( screaming shouting, verbal abuse etc) DS can not understand why he stays sleeping in their room and does not just leave. We all wonder the same! ( we all know why - again he needs to grow a big pair of hairy kahunas!)

OP good luck, I think what you have done so far is right, calm and mature.