Still have no say in my own home regarding SD

[pepperminttree]

After 15 years of SD and exW dramas I'm still left stressed out about arrangements being made without my knowledge.

My SD is 19 now and will come over when ever she likes and we don't know weather she is staying or going. My DH does not even bother to ask her if she's staying over or not and then I will get sprung by her response when I ask her if she's sleeping over she will tell me she's staying for X amount of nights etc.

My DH is very delicate with her and won't ask her anything, so I said to her next time you come can you let your dad know your plans and how long your staying for. (He got angry with me, thinking she might think she is not welcome here by me) I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week because her and her mum have moved really far from the city. ( I might add here that she has only stayed over a hand full of times the past few years before they moved )

So anyway she has started a new job and because she lives with her mum far away she will be staying at our place for 2 nights in the middle of the week, every week! because she will finish in the evening those nights and does not want to catch the train home.

This is bothering me and stressing me out as we have 2 kids still in school and I think this is disruptive. She is 19! and her mum and her deciding to move an hour away from the city knowing right well she will have planned to find a job there.

I feel like I have no say in my home and my DH doesn't see my points of views regarding his daughter, ever. This is putting a strain on our relationship.

Stressed out! would like to hear thoughts on this.

There is no suggestion that this young woman will be coming and going on random days from now on. This coming and going on random days is also known as treating your dad's house as if it is your home. The temerity of it.

Her mum has now moved elsewhere and that is apparently her home base from which she will be doing her random coming and going from now on (aka treating her mum's house as her own home), so the staying with her dad that has been going on has effectively ended. From now on the DSD will be staying midweek, not random days.

All this woman has to do is pick up the phone and call her DSD if she wants to be practical. But it seems all she wants to do is try to turn her husband into someone he is not, make him conduct his relationship with his own daughter in a way he is not comfortable doing, and assert the primacy of her own children in a home where all three children have the same father.

She has known this young person since she was four. That is ample time to have forged enough of a relationship with her to be able to call her and ask her her plans herself. I think by this time she should also have realised that the daughter and her mum are separate people. There is bad faith evident in her comment that both the mum and daughter jointly decided to move away from the city.

The issue is somebody who thinks everyone else has to change to suit her.

Calico, I am divorced and single and the mother of teens and twenty somethings. My oldest DD graduated from university and lives in a city about a day's drive away. DS lives at home though he graduated last year. He effectively pays me rent/room and board. Next DD is at university and may or may not live at home upon graduation. Most likely not as the jobs she will seek are not here. While I impress upon them the need to be self sufficient, rental rates are a reality we all have to contend with. They all funded themselves through their teen years and through university -- all have held down or currently hold part time jobs. DD1 repaid one of her tuition loans before graduation. But home is still home to them and they are welcome here if needs be.

No one is saying kids over 18 should be kicked out.

No one is saying that DSD shouldn't ask to part move in to DF and SMs.

The OP isn't saying no way to any step kids moving in or staying there in her post.

The SM should, as household manager, have had a say in this in any of the discussions. Although I imagine her DP just let's these decisions get made without him too! Which isn't parenting.

Ok-I can see why the OP would like to know that her step daughter's coming to stay - particularly if she does the shopping and might run out of milk or something. It's the asking that bothers me,particularly as the OP strongly suggests she would want to say no because she thinks it will be disruptive. My ds is at university, and so far has always said when she's coming home. She will ring her dad or me and say "I'll be home on Thursday" and whoever it is will say "that's fantastic- see you then" and then tell the other one. I wouldn't say "I'll check with your dad and get back to you"

I have a resident and non resident adult step children. I would expect courtesy from both. But I would be a lot more understanding of our current resident step child changing plans, staying extra nights etc simply because our home is her home, her main home. I think her mother would be most surprised to find she just turns up two nights a week because it suits her. I know her mother would talk to her about boundaries and not just having a sense of entitlement in her home.

Agree with greenhen - there's quite a difference between your main home and any secondary homes, and therefore the behaviour/boundaries/expectations are different. I would totally expect a 19 yr old to come and go as they please at their main home though, but I can quite understand a degree of common sense being require re meal planning etc. And the OP is of course posting about the secondary home, which is why I can see her point.

It's all so cold. Talk of boundaries when talking about children.
It's weird and doesn't sound like normal average family's.
It all sounds rigid and cold. These are not random far off cousins. There children of the family.
Fuck me if I had a partner and they behaved like this towards dd I would be questioning my choices in partners.

I will never stop being a parent.
So to the pp who expects there son to be out after education. You say if they want to stay at home after education you will have to discuss it with your h.
What will you do if he says no? Soz son on your way you go?
What if his dad's partner has the same attitude and he couldnt go there either?
Is he gonna be on his own from then on?

Mumsnet is a world away from anything I've ever experienced. This weird attitude that once they are done with education your jobs done .

I agree that the DSD should be able to treat her DF's home as her own! But, it's only common courtesy to let people know when you're going to be there! I would not expect my own DC to just turn up with a toothbrush and expect to stay for an indefinite time...any more than I would turn up at theirs!

I realise that this girl is 19 and doesn't rent/own her own home, but she's an adult and should be mature enough to consider the OP's feelings/needs in this scenario! However, I actually do sense that the OP would rather she just didn't turn up at all, and even though I understand that she has her own little family unit and doesn't want it fractured in any way, (believe me, I know how unsettling it is) it's just not on is it?!

No matter how the OP feels, at the end of the day this is her DH's child, who he wants to make welcome! I really get your your point of view OP, but if you continue in this reluctance to have your DSD to stay, it will end badly, and you will regret it. By all means, set some boundaries, particularly from the catering aspect...but smile, put yourself out, just a little and keep telling yourself it's not forever! I promise you the rewards you reap from DH and DSD, will make up for your sacrifice! Here's some & from someone who has gone through some of your struggles!

At the end of the day, the op is NOT her step daughter's mother, and can't be expected to feel the same way as if she were! So to the poster who said if her child rang from uni to say they were coming home at short notice that she wouldn't inform her husband first- that's because he's her dad and presumably would feel the same way!

That's not to say the ad shouldn't be welcomed- of course she should, it's her part time home. I just don't get why there's pressure on step mothers to feel as if their partner's child is their own; that's just not natural. To make them feel welcome and supported though- absolutely.

I don't think anyone is putting pressure on the OP to feel the same way about her DSD as she would about a daughter of her own.

What people are doing when they describe relationships with their own adult children is trying to explain to her how her husband feels about his own child being in his own home.

My DH is very delicate with her and won't ask her anything
The OP is criticising how her husband handles his relationship with his own child.
... so I said to her next time you come can you let your dad know your plans and how long your staying for. (He got angry with me, thinking she might think she is not welcome here by me)
If I were her husband I would have got angry with the OP too, because this looks to me as if the OP was speaking on behalf of her husband, saying something the husband wanted to say but hadn't.

The truth is it is the OP who wants to know when and for how long the DSD is staying, and asking her to tell her father is disingenuous and misleading.

The OP is inserting herself between the H and his daughter here.

I don't think kids realise about how tricky it can be juggling the dynamics of a step family home. But dynamics there are and they can't just be ignored, which I think the OPs DP is doing. It's not just making beds, its handling different sets of families, often expectations and rules.

I just think it is tricky enough for a SP, who has to be responsible for the house in the way a child doesn't. So knowing stuff in advance is the least a DP can ask his kid to do.

It is up to the OP to ask if she is the one making the practical arrangements or if she is the one who is the most bothered by not knowing.

It's not ok to seek to change the way her DH's relationship with his daughter works by roping him into this, getting him to do her errands for her. She should call the DSD herself.

Of course kids don't realise much of the practical issues, or the dynamics of blended families. They are kids. This is also because adults don't speak up or take charge of the dynamics themselves.

Seeking to change the person to whom you are married is something that happens in all sorts of families, not just blended families, and this is what is happening here. This is unreasonable.

Has no one noticed that the OP hasn't come back - I wonder why!?

I agree Bananas, it's not just about the practical things. Of course the girl's father wants her there, naturally, and he wants his wife to support him and be welcoming.....but its not her DD, so she doesn't feel the same as he does! I sense she would rather not have someone who is not her DC staying at her home on a regular basis, because as you say, it totally changes the household dynamics, but if she allows this to affect her relationship with her DH she'll be the loser, however it's very difficult to go along with something you're not happy about! I wonder why the OP hasn't come back?

I thought the idea of these threads were to engage with the OP, not necessarily to agree with her but to be able to look at the issue from a different angle maybe and certainly not to call her a bitch as has happened here. None of you seem to be concerned that the OP has not come back on the thread or wonder why that's the case.

"I don't think kids realise about how tricky it can be juggling the dynamics of a step family home. "

Good. Why should they?

Takes two to engage, NanaNina.

You have two issues here - your DH and DSD.

You cannot take your annoyance on how your DH handles your DSD on her. If you are pissed off about his lack of directness, and how you clearly feel it is undermining you, then out of earshot of everyone else tell him how you feel. Regardless of his opinion about your feelings, they are still your feelings and as your DH he needs to talk them through with you in a reasonable way and compromise. You need to do the same. Stop the passive aggressive nonsense and just talk honestly to your husband. So many problems could be solved if people just were honest with each other.

As for your DSD, my thoughts are

• Shes not a child. Shes 19. Shes old enough to drive, vote, drink, have sex, gamble, buy a house, get married, whatever the hell she likes. If shes working, and presumably at work she would have to be courteous and respectful to her colleagues, I don't see why it should be different at your house.

• If may well be your DH home, but it is yours as well. You deserved to be informed. Not asked for permission either, but a 'hey, ill be staying x nights a week, from now on' would be appropriate. You aren't in the position to say no as she needs to be welcome in your home, but courtesy is a must. I think you wouldn't be as pissed if this would have happened. Your DSD is just as much as fault for the lack of communication as you are. If she wants to be treated as an adult, she needs to act like one.

• It is not unreasonable to know who is under your roof at any given time. She doesn't need entertaining, but seeing as she will presumably want to be fed then fair enough.

• As she is working, then a small gesture of a financial contribution would not be unreasonable either, if she is eating at yours, washing, etc. Board is expected in together families, is wouldn't be unreasonable here either. Not a massive amount, even a token gesture. As an adult I don't live for free, it may help her to realise she cant as well.

• Sit and talk to her for gods sake. Be honest with her about your expectations. Like she picks up after herself, dinner is at x oclock, if you will be here and want feeding let me know, if not sort yourself out, you do your own washing, rules about friends over etc. Its all well and good saying shes not a guest, well then don't treat her like one, she mucks in with everyone else and abides by the same rules.

• It doesn't matter if the ex was a nightmare, that's not her fault. The ex drama was your DHs to deal with, not yours. If he put that on you, then that wasn't fair. I feel SM in general get a bad deal. You choose a relationship with a man with kids, that you cant parent, but are expected to treat as your own, pick up after, contribute for the household they reside in (how ever much time) take shit from in some cases, and smile while it happens. You are a person, not just a SM and your feelings, however illogical or unreasonable, are still your feelings and deserve to be acknowledged by your DH. Just don't project them onto the SKs.

Talk to them in a reasonable manner, be honest, and firm in what you're saying. Just make sure that what you expect would be the same for your children as well, so its equal. Her Mum and her living arrangements are none of your business, let it go, concentrate on your own home and you'll feel better.

By the way, I'm not judging anyone, you asked for an opinion, here is mine, take it or leave it. I don't think badly of you, and I think for a forum that is meant to be supportive, it can be like a baptism of fire on here sometimes.

Well engaging in a discussion can (and does) include far more than 2 - maybe you really do have math anxiety - I appreciate that if the OP does not return it isn't possible to engage with her. My issue is that no one seems to have even noticed that she hasn't returned to the thread or wondered why this is the case. I've noticed this a lot lately and I think it's somewhat discourteous to disappear from the thread after people have taken the trouble to post, often at some considerable length. But I also think that posters should consider why the OP has disappeared.

NanaNina, for all we know OP is watching the thread just not brave enough to respond. So I personally can only hope that all of the well intended advice has been noted and has helped her in some way and that the flaming has not put her off coming for support on here again. I find Mumsnet a really nice place sometimes, but occasionally, because it is an online post, people can take things in a way the OP didn't mean them to, because you never fully know the whole situation and you can get flamed.

Human beings are not always reasonable, logical and fair creatures, because perception and feelings take over - same in blended families as it is online.

Two as in OP and everyone else, in a bloc as it were, NanaNina.