Still have no say in my own home regarding SD

[pepperminttree]

After 15 years of SD and exW dramas I'm still left stressed out about arrangements being made without my knowledge.

My SD is 19 now and will come over when ever she likes and we don't know weather she is staying or going. My DH does not even bother to ask her if she's staying over or not and then I will get sprung by her response when I ask her if she's sleeping over she will tell me she's staying for X amount of nights etc.

My DH is very delicate with her and won't ask her anything, so I said to her next time you come can you let your dad know your plans and how long your staying for. (He got angry with me, thinking she might think she is not welcome here by me) I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week because her and her mum have moved really far from the city. ( I might add here that she has only stayed over a hand full of times the past few years before they moved )

So anyway she has started a new job and because she lives with her mum far away she will be staying at our place for 2 nights in the middle of the week, every week! because she will finish in the evening those nights and does not want to catch the train home.

This is bothering me and stressing me out as we have 2 kids still in school and I think this is disruptive. She is 19! and her mum and her deciding to move an hour away from the city knowing right well she will have planned to find a job there.

I feel like I have no say in my home and my DH doesn't see my points of views regarding his daughter, ever. This is putting a strain on our relationship.

Stressed out! would like to hear thoughts on this.

If you run a home, you surely need to know how many people you've got staying with you, and when? Meals, bed change etc etc?

DD1 (19) is at uni and comes home a lot whenever she wants. Generally I get some notice but it wouldn't matter. As for changing beds, ha ha, DD1 leaves her room in a mess and comes back to it in a mess. If she wants clean bedding she knows what to do. With meals, there is usually enough food to feed another person and if there isn't she cooks herself something.

She usually comes home because she has something on here, generally not to see us! This is totally normal for DC of this age, home is more of a base than somewhere to actually stay full time. And more often than not her boyfriend comes too! It does disrupt things at home because the dynamics change but that's life with DC of this age. It's lovely having DD1 home in spite of the noise and chaos she brings with her

If you run a home, you surely need to know how many people you've got staying with you, and when? Meals, bed change etc etc?"

For guests, of course.

I think most posters who are giving the op a hard time are totally missing the point.

It is supposed to be both adults, step parent and parent who manage the home, who pay for it, set the tone, household rules. Any kids should be welcome I agree, but within that 'management'. Otherwise it is just a hotel with free housekeeping.

I found that just allowing a step kid with two homes to come and go caused a whole heap of problems. It isn't the same at all comparing that with a child with one home, who is at uni and popping back or one coming back temporarily as a stepping stone. There will be agreed and familiar rules, both parents will have a relationship grown up over years.

There is a HUGE difference between being acknowledged as a fellow 'manager' in a household by DP - or just ignored as a nobody. Any big changes should include a step parent, and the lack of any authority or control is difficult enough for a SM without straining it to breaking point with a DSC being encouraged to turn up anytime, no warnings, no consideration. It just encourages the SM to be ignored and causes unnecessary stress. Honestly it really doesn't take much to run past major changes with a SM, or to give a little notice.

All the throwing around of 'its DSCs home so as an SM just shut up and stay in the background cooking and cleaning and don't dare ask to be even a vocal part in how the house you manage, is managed' is setting up a harsh dynamic.

It is the SMs home, and if a mum usually is the main manager in that home. Children are dependents and if helped by their parents are totally capable of understanding that they need to give an SM a bit of thought. Do that and the OP would be able to foster a much better relationship with the child. As it stands, her DP is clearly ignoring her and sending a message to his daughter and her mum that they can ignore her too. Not good for a happy household, where everyone in it affects each other. A bit of cooperation isn't that difficult.

She is not freely coming and going between two homes. There are two days per week when she will be at her dad's. Presumably there is a relationship between her and her dad that has built up over the years. If there isn't, then shame on her dad. Presumably there is also a relationship between her and her step mum, built up over the 15 years -- since this young woman was aged 4, in other words. If there isn't then shame on the step mum.

If the step mum wants acknowledgement or to be taken into account then she needs to contact the young woman directly and remind her in the nicest possible way that there are practical considerations at play food and sleeping arrangements and that direct contact with those two considerations in mind would be appreciated. It's subtle and it will achieve what the OP wants, which is a little sense of control and a sense of being consulted or in the loop

It is indeed the step mum's home, so she needs to pick up the phone and be proactive here instead of moaning passive aggressively about how everyone ignores her, which she has been doing apparently for 15 years. Is she going to keep on wallowing in her narrative or is she going to take steps towards a change?

Remind me again what the definition of insanity is?

(Oh and also OP -- the SD and the exW are two completely different people and there is no way the daughter should be lumped in with whatever complaint the OP here has about her mother. The daughter is not responsible for her mother's behaviour or decisions and never has been. So 15 years of shenanigans with the exW are irrelevant. Whatever that consisted of, it wasn't the daughter's fault.)

Totally agree with Math

Another one totally agreeing with Math.

My eldest DD has a step mother, if she was so unwelcoming of her in her fathers hole I would be gutted for DD, and very disappointed in her father.

Well both parents shouldn't have just agreed that DSD could come every week for two days without including the SM!

Really a SM can't win. If she phoned the DSD she'll more than likely have both parents totally undermining everything and other posters would be clambering on board saying that this action would be not to make her feel welcome.

It isn't just a question of clean sheets. It is a recognition by everything that she manages the house which is totally unworkable is you have NO IDEA and NO INPUT in MAJOR changes such as whether a child is there or not, how long for etc.

Sometimes this may be 'OK fine two days a week, but let's set up expectations of rules etc' - sometimes it might be 'Well that would be better if it was the time that your father was more around rather than just me so what about this or that'. It's a discussion with the parents to see WHAT WOULD WORK.

It really isn't hard! And the DSD needs to consider it a home, not a hotel. Not just her home, or her Dads home. But SMs as well. No one person can just to what they want - we all affect each other.

remind her in the nicest possible way that there are practical considerations at play food and sleeping arrangements and that direct contact with those two considerations in mind would be appreciated. It's subtle and it will achieve what the OP wants, which is a little sense of control and a sense of being consulted or in the loop

Tbh this is totally weak - this isn't being consulted - it's just saying 'I'm the housekeeper I'd like to know when I'm going to be changing your sheets'. She needs to be part of the initial discussion about how this works with the parents.

Oh Dear...Some unkind, unhelpful responses there!

You're not being unreasonable. You are stressed. And you'd like some support!

I can understand your situation. Without planning, or consultation, your DSD Is acting in an entitled way; to stay at your place whenever it suits, because it's more convenient than her mother's. You feel used, disregarded, that it affects you and you werent asked, and your DSD is old enough to have the autonomy of an adult, and yet is so naive she is acting like a child forgetting her manners. She should behave more responsibly. She could have gone about this better: should have asked you both, negotiated a flexible arrangemt. Offered keep perhaps (fat chance?) Or offered to cook, or babysit, or pointed out how grateful she is being under your roof.

Back in the real world, a mixed up 19 year old (who's mum might have disregarded her job need when she moved out of town) might be just being self centred and oblivious and assuming, largely because her choices are limited, and she will take whatever she can get and not be very generously hearted about it. She wants her bread buttered both sides and to not have to act courteously.

Here's the rub. You're gonna have to shake yourself down, hold your chin up, and make the best of this without arguing with D P. Take the annoyances of having a young adult in the house, and be the giving, sweet, step mum you want to be.

But you are perfectly able to negotiate a better arrangement. DSD can text you when she's on her way home perhaps and whether she is staying one night or two. Have a sit down 'meeting'. You can tell her that its lovely to have her around more but now she is working it also is changing the dynamic of the home, having an extra adult. Under other circumstances, she could be asked to pay rent - even for mid week only. Your home is not an entitlement now she's not little, it's a privelege, and if she wants an adult independent lifestyle then she shouldn't need reminding that things can get scratchy if she is treating the place like a hotel. She should reconsider her attitude to the place being an entitlement. And you can rule set (gently), to make sharing your home easier.

Also, however, perhaps you can dig deep, be really truly giving, and strike a new warmer relationship with the teen DSD. Acts of kindness to her (when she might well know she is an inconvenience ) will really help her to be more communicative and kinder to you.

Don't underestimate how moving it can be if you make a big gesture, or big gift. It can make a huge difference. Perhaps you could check when she's next coming and do a big family dinner to celebrate her new job? Really worth considering....it would warm DP'S heart too.

Trying turning this around, she is proposing to come for 2 regular evenings per week and stay over, she is 19. Fantastic she can babysit for you guys one of them no problem.

She sounds like a typical teen tbh. My own 19 year old drives me mad at times and is difficult to live with but there will always be a bed (not necessarily her own room) for her stay in regardless.

modern
DSD can text you when she's on her way home perhaps and whether she is staying one night or two. Have a sit down 'meeting'. You can tell her that its lovely to have her around more but now she is working it also is changing the dynamic of the home, having an extra adult. Under other circumstances, she could be asked to pay rent - even for mid week only. Your home is not an entitlement now she's not little, it's a privelege.

That is the best advice I've seen so far on this post!

At 19, my mum wanted to know when I planned on coming to hers. It was just common sense and consideration on my part really.
At that age I lived at my dad's, so if I fancied spending 2 nights at my mum's I wouldn't just turn up unannounced. I ran it by my mum beforehand. I was an adult, not a child.

I agree totally with you that you deserve to be consulted about arrangements in your own home. I often think this board is extremely biased against SMs and we're made to feel like the SDCs arrangements are none of our business which in my view is totally ridiculous.

However, I think you're being unfair regarding her staying over midweek. I'm a step parent and also have my own grown up son. If any of them needed to stay here for any reason then they would. I would hope that they all see this as their home whenever they need it.

I think you should just relax. This is only a problem if you choose to make it one.

Sorry but you knew he had a daughter when you began a relationship with this man, who he has a lifelong commitment to. She has every right to stay when she likes.

I have two DSD's (12/16) and my home is their home, as is their mothers.

Imagine for some reason you weren't with your DH anymore and found a new partner. Would you tolerate them telling you how often your DCs were allowed in the house, or that they had to give you prior warning to visit? I don't think so.

Bananas I agree with what you say too.

In answer to pp about my post. Yes, I do have teens of my own. They have been told that once they finish education at 18/19 or 21 for those that will go to Uni, they will have to work and pay for themselves. They can choose where they live, though DH and I will not be supporting them whilst they flit between the two homes. We are hoping to downsize when they all get to that age.

This will be the case with my DS in about 5 months. He is aiming to go to college but if not he will have to get a job, and I expect will go and live with his father. However if he did decide that he wanted to stay here, no way would I agree to that without discussing it with my DH.

My parents were divorced and had new homes and partners. I would not have dreamed of turning up at my fathers and his wife's telling them that I had come to stay and would be doing so on a weekly basis. I would certainly been shown the door.

Sorry but you knew he had a daughter when you began a relationship with this man, who he has a lifelong commitment to. She has every right to stay when she likes

What nonsense.

Parents do not have a lifelong commitment to provide a home for their children. Adults do not have a right to stay at their parents home when they like.

CalicoBlue

Parents do not have a lifelong commitment to provide a home for their children.

Lifelong, no but as young adults, many parents do.

www.theguardian.com/society/2014/mar/24/dependent-generation-half-young-european-adults-live-parents

In this current generation, around 1/3 of adults of 18 - 30 live with their parents. It's even higher in Europe and America.

In fact, I've read a study about how it's one of the reasons that children coming out of the care system fare so poorly. They don't have any physical safety net in terms of a parental home to stay at if they need to relocate, or if they are jobless.

When I was 19, I came and went without question in my parent's home. They were always happy to see me. When I was between jobs, I came home and lived for free in the house. I saved for deposits living at home and that was pretty much the standard in my friends.

No offense but kicking your kids out at 18 seems like something that only happened with friends from socially deprived homes. Usually moms with parades of boyfriends going in and out the house and multiple children to multiple fathers. I think the average middle class parent has accepted that they will be parenting past age 18.

calicoblue a (good) parent always has a responsibility to their child! There isn't an off switch that gets flicked in their 18th birthday!

Most 19 year olds aren't adults. Ok, legally they are, but they still need some help along the way!

My parents are divorced and I would be gutted if I was ever turned away from either of their homes when I was that age.

I am flabbergasted by this mumsnet thing that your children cease to need any form of parenting on their 18th birthday and ar on their own from then. It doesn't square with the behaviour of any functional family I know!

This is why, if my husband (the father of my children) died before me, I would be very reluctant to live with a partner again. It would infuriate me to have my child, especially at 19, treated like a guest in my home.

My siblings and I knew we would always have a home with our parents, at any age, and it was a great boon and comfort to us.

Perhaps I live an overly casual lifestyle, but I could accommodate an additional person in the house at any time!

Here are the sheets and blankets...
You know where the towels are...
I know you like xyz to eat, we have some of that, let me know if you need anything else...

Easy!

Oh, but I would be irritated if I had to do it for a step-child, I bet! That is why I will never put myself in the position of stepmother. I couldn't be as kind and generous as that role requires, and I know it.

Mathanxiety why shame on the stepmum if she hypothetically has no relationship with her step child? I have no relationship with two of mine as despite my effort, they never wanted one with me.

The issue on this thread is about respect, not inconvenience. I'm a step mum and a mum, and until very recently had the same issue with my ss 21 not telling dh when he was coming or going. I would never know if I would bump into him in the morning or not. I reluctantly tolerate inconsideration from my own children BECAUSE I can pull them up on it, but I do not tolerate it in my step children because I'm not allowed to pull them up! What's so hard to understand about that?