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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Still have no say in my own home regarding SD

95 replies

pepperminttree · 25/02/2016 03:25

After 15 years of SD and exW dramas I'm still left stressed out about arrangements being made without my knowledge.

My SD is 19 now and will come over when ever she likes and we don't know weather she is staying or going. My DH does not even bother to ask her if she's staying over or not and then I will get sprung by her response when I ask her if she's sleeping over she will tell me she's staying for X amount of nights etc.

My DH is very delicate with her and won't ask her anything, so I said to her next time you come can you let your dad know your plans and how long your staying for. (He got angry with me, thinking she might think she is not welcome here by me) I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week because her and her mum have moved really far from the city. ( I might add here that she has only stayed over a hand full of times the past few years before they moved )

So anyway she has started a new job and because she lives with her mum far away she will be staying at our place for 2 nights in the middle of the week, every week! because she will finish in the evening those nights and does not want to catch the train home.

This is bothering me and stressing me out as we have 2 kids still in school and I think this is disruptive. She is 19! and her mum and her deciding to move an hour away from the city knowing right well she will have planned to find a job there.

I feel like I have no say in my home and my DH doesn't see my points of views regarding his daughter, ever. This is putting a strain on our relationship.

Stressed out! would like to hear thoughts on this.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 25/02/2016 11:27

"I feel like she uses our home as a stepping stone for what she has going on for that week"

Yep- my 20 year old does that too!

She doesn't expect to be fed, though , if she turns up unexpectedly- but there's always stuff to scavenge.

lunar1 · 25/02/2016 12:23

Petal, by your logic the op could just replace the word house with the word hotel and then there would be no problem would there.

Or even better she could just rename her own children colleagues and tell them it's not appropriate for them to be there whenever the dsd pops in so they won't be disrupted, they could easily stay elsewhere.

bluebell8782 · 25/02/2016 12:26

My SD is only allowed to be with us EOW (not our choice - or hers). She has TWO homes and she is perfectly happy with that thought. Her main home is with her mum, however, our house is ALSO her home. Two homes doesn't have to be just for a 50/50 split.

I look forward to the day when I come home from work and my SD has already let herself in. I look forward to her being confident enough to tell her mum that she is staying home with her dad on a night other than EOW. You are being unreasonable OP.

AuntieStella · 25/02/2016 12:31

Making sure you know when she will be with you is nothing whatsoever to do with whether she's welcome, and everything to do with logistics (how much food for the week etc).

Older teens and DC in their twenties are often still living at home, and it makes sense that this includes the parental home that is actually near her job.

But of course she should not disrupt the household. What is it that she does that causes disruption? First step would be to get that removed. And it sounds as if you want predictability, so settling which days she will be with her dad (rather than having her chop and change) might be a good step too.

nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 25/02/2016 12:32

YABU.

She probably didn't have any say in where her mother moved, so it's hardly her fault if she's stuck out too far from the city.

She is your husband's daughter. When your children are her age you will understand only too well how they do need to use you as a stepping stone for a while, there is a period where they straddle being a dependent child and branching out into independent adulthood. You can't just flick a switch and expect it to happen overnight. Be more supportive for goodness sake. And why does she have to say in advance how many nights she wants to stay - it's her second home! Would you demand that of your own children at 19? I doubt it.

You married a man with a child. Accept that that comes with responsibilities for him that will impact on you.

elliebellys · 25/02/2016 12:44

Pepper I think your unfairly getting a pasting on here.i can see why your annoyed.yes it's her home too but at 19 she should at least let you know in advance how long she will be with you for.

CrazyMary · 25/02/2016 12:47

Yabu. Her Dad lives there so it is her Dad's home too. You should treat your SD as you would, any of your dc. You chose to marry someone who had a dc from a previous relationship and make a life with him. His DD will always be his DD no matter who he is married to. You shouldn't have married him if you have problems accepting his relationship with his DD.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 25/02/2016 13:23

I could have written this post myself!

I too have been totally lambasted because I dared to speak out and say that I need to be taken into account in the family equation.

I had NR DSCs who turned up whenever they (or more like their mother) wanted. I had resident DSDs who has arrangements to go to their mums but never stuck to this - so at a weekend they were supposed to be at their mums they'd just stay in the house without any warning. I had whole school holidays where I, as a stay at home mum would have all step kids without any warning at all. Grrr.... ! I nearly left it was SO STRESSFUL!

Although pepper I think most people are reacting to your saying that two nights a week isn't on. Tbh I can understand this - because it wasn't discussed beforehand. Any new arrangement with step kids has to take the other parent into account - particularly if there are other kids and the step mum has to run a family household.

*I'd feel very annoyed at having had very little contact to 2 nights a week because mum hadn't considered her living st home daughters welfare.

Mum makes a bad decision, step mum gets blasted for being unreasonable.*

elliebellys · 25/02/2016 13:34

Banana who's to say her mum made a bad decision?.The adult sd here seemed fine with the move.but because she can't be arsed with getting a train sd decided o I will stay at dad's house without even telling them.that is plain rude of sd.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 25/02/2016 13:34

At her age I went to live with my dad, step mum and step sister in my stepmums house for three months. Very glad she wasn't like some of you tbh!

Yes you should get notice but why would you and DH say no to HIS DAUGHTER spending more time with him and her siblings? Would you say no to your kids at that age?

ImperialBlether · 25/02/2016 13:46

I think you're being a bit unreasonable but I do wonder, if step-children have two homes how many homes a step-parent has. Half? None?

gemandjule · 25/02/2016 14:04

I have 19 year old son who is away in Uni 3 hours from home. He comes home whenever it suits him. He was working here at weekends so came on Friday and went back either Sunday or Monday morning depending on lectures (and social life!). He then decided it was too far to commute for weekend work so stays away most weekends but will come at short notice, which we all love.
He has a reading week next week so will come down for some of that but not all because he has plans where he is in Uni also. He hasn't confirmed with us yet when he is coming or going. I also have younger kids in school who, to be honest, don't take any notice of whether he is there or not.
My point is that I think it is completely normal for kids that age to come and go without much notice. They are old enough to mind themselves and we go ahead and organise our own lives independently of him so he knows we may not be on hand when he comes home and that's fine. We love to see him when he comes and if he doesn't then that means he's happy where he is which is great too.
I know he is my son and not step son but I think that it's a normal way for older teens to behave with their parents.

Thunderblunder · 25/02/2016 14:09

My eldest DD is at university and comes home regularly. She always let's us know when she is coming home and how long she will be here for even if it is at short notice.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2016 14:13

"My eldest DD is at university and comes home regularly. She always let's us know when she is coming home and how long she will be here for even if it is at short notice."

So does mine-usually. But she doesn't have to. Because it's her home.

If she wants food she either has to say, or bring it or scavenge. But her home is her home. She can come here whenever she wants.

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2016 14:14

And if we have overnight visitors and want to use her room while she's away, I will ask her first. Even though she is 400 miles away. Because it is her home

Thunderblunder · 25/02/2016 14:25

DD lost her room when she went to university. We had 4 other DC sharing 2 rooms so DD1 said that her room could be used for one of her sisters and she would share with her other sister when she comes home. She offered rather than we asked before anybody thinks that DD1 was being forced out.

Petal02 · 25/02/2016 16:43

If you run a home, you surely need to know how many people you've got staying with you, and when? Meals, bed change etc etc?

FeelingFine89 · 25/02/2016 16:52

You'd think so Petal. It's common sense more than anything.

swingofthings · 25/02/2016 17:36

If it has been discussed with you before hand, what would have been your position? That no she can't stay 2 days a week at all, or that despite not delighted with the prospect you would have agreed to it?

If the second, then it was very wrong of your OH not to discuss it, however, if discussing things means that you automatically say no to everything, then I can understand why they decided not to.

Ideally it would be a case of discussing it before end and agreeing to a compromise, ie. not what either really wants, but something that can be tolerated by both.

PitilessYank · 25/02/2016 18:59

It takes two minutes to make up a fresh bed and meals can be stretched/modified to accommodate another person easily, if you are a flexible family.

Kids at that age do come and go. It seems normal to me. I won't expect my kids to formally announce their plans the way a guest might-it just seems so unwelcoming to ask for that.

It sucks for you, I know, but you must grin and bear it, in my opinion.

CalicoBlue · 25/02/2016 21:17

I think that once they are 19 and have left education, contact time is no longer relevant and they do not have two homes. They are not children any more. They chose where they live.

I think it is totally reasonable of you to want to know who is in your home and how long for. It is very rude of her to turn up with out letting you know and not asking to stay. To decide that she is staying 2 days a week is outrageous, you should have been asked.

There is no way my DSS will still be turning up at our home when he is that age. DH and I are planning to move abroad then anyway.

Micah · 25/02/2016 21:21

I simply ask dh. Is she staying, and ill get the bed made up and add extra food to the shop.

Its not about her staying, its the practicalities of clean sheets and enough food.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2016 21:47

But Calico, her dad is still her dad even though 'contact time' is no longer relevant. Plenty of university age teens and young twenties stay at home during their further ed years, or come home from university for weekends. Or live at home while working because a flat of your own can be expensive.

IB, it's not a zero sum game.

Petal, 'step child' isn't an emotive term used in order to bash the OP over the head. It is not equivalent to cousin or colleague. She is the daughter of the OP's husband and half sibling of the OP's and her H's children.

clam · 25/02/2016 22:06

CalicoBlue Do you have children of your own? If so, I'd be interested to know whether you would kick them out at university age, as you are effectively doing with your stepchildren. My children can turn up in our home at any time of the day and night for as long as they feel they need to and I'll be glad to see them.

And does your DSS speak highly of you? Hmm

BertrandRussell · 25/02/2016 22:21

"think that once they are 19 and have left education, contact time is no longer relevant and they do not have two homes. They are not children any more. They chose where they live."

Such a shame that some people give step parents a bad name.