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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sharing bedrooms

65 replies

Superdry01 · 07/02/2016 11:18

Hi all.
I'm not quite sure if I'm being unreasonable with my situation.
I have 3 girls one is disabled and has her own room the baby still in with me and my 10 yr old shares her room with the step daughter every other weekend now the thing is my daughter has asked for new things for her room and has chosen a colour but my partner dad off stepchild as go e mental and told me that I always think off my own children and that it's both off the girls room. Ive said that his daughter has her own room in her own home and this is my daughter home but he won't have it and thinks that his daughter should have a say what goes in the room... I'm stuck on this and don't know what to do..
My daughter is very girlie and has put up with loads with her disibility sister. But my parnter says it's not ur daughters bedroom and it's a share room. Not being funny but stepdaughter only over every other weekend. Driving me mad.
My daughter asked me for a new tv as old one not so good and I've sad I get her one but my partner tells me why should ur daughter have a new tv it has to be a shared tv. Please can someone say wether im being over the top

OP posts:

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lunar1 · 07/02/2016 19:54

I honestly can't get my head around this, it's a shared bedroom, probably soon to be shared by 3. As there are no other rooms available it should be something that both girls pick. As for having a tv for just one child, wtf!

Dsd is not a guest, who wants to be a guest somewhere every other weekend, life with her dad is just that, she should be able to come to her dads family home and just be a part of it like everyone else. I'm sure she would rather not have to trail between two homes given the choice.

If you and your dp are a family then all the children of your family should be equal, it doesn't matter who has what elsewhere.

Prettyinblue · 07/02/2016 21:35

The tv issue is totally out of order.

Of course both of their chance to have say about their bedroom.

Your DP only gets to see his daughter once a for night, he must want to make that time as right as possible and part of that is ensuring that she feels as relevant a part of the family as your DD. Because she is.

My DSS got his own room til he left home at 19, whilst the three little ones shared even though he was hardly here. Because we wanted to make it as welcoming to him as possible so he felt less of an outsider as anyone.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/02/2016 04:47

Pretty That sounds like it was a very much wasted room if he was hardly there, whilst in the mean time 3 LOs were cramped together. Sod that, I wouldn't do that.

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 07:31

Thanks for ur comments.
My daughter is 10 as you know and she is becoming a lady yes both top and bottom and even having to use pads so she has all her special stuff in the room.
Yes I know that that the step child needs to have a say I wasn't saying she couldn't the father of course whats to see her but I'm the one that's picks her up buys her clothes birthday presents and Christmas presents I even pay for her to come on hoilday with us the fat her don't pay for her he just pay csa when she ere I look after her not him and she come and destroys my daughter bedroom she also play me against her dad. The tv they both can see. I even had to give up my disibility daughter bed for the step child and buy a second d hand one for her room as she not aloud to share.
My children have given up everything if I want to buy them something I get it in the neck couse I've not bought his daughter the same.
I'm not being funny but I have 3 children 2 from different dad we have a baby together I had moved from my town and family support girls school to move to a town were my partner works or we would spilt so I give up everything... why should my girl have to give up her space when the step child comes every other weekend....

OP posts:

RidersOnTheStorm · 08/02/2016 07:42

Stop buying her stuff and stop paying for her holidays. You have a big DH problem. He pays or it doesn't happen.

neonrainbow · 08/02/2016 07:54

Your partner is the real problem here. He sounds awful.

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 08:08

My disibility child has rest bit at the weekend to her nans and the weekend his daughter ere my daughter has to go away to her dad's as my parnter can't cope with her meltdowns and is scared his daughter going to get hurt. I'm ment to have a carer Weekend to relax myself with out the disibility child home . But I don't this weekend I spent all my time with his daughter and my 10 yr old and baby whist he did over time at work and yeserday he spent all his time in the garage fixing his motor bike. So its me that looks after everything and his daughter too. I'm not saying I don't want to and I don't love her as I do she a good kid when she not playing me against her dad. She dropped my baby who's 18mts on the floor I didn't shout at her but I did tell her dad and he did nothing but if my 10 yr old did it he would go mental and start sounding abuse so yes I'm being a bitch by saying it's my child bedroom and I thing she should be allowed to have what she wants but I'm not saying the step child cant have a say but she still in to baby things and my 10 yr old is growing up and wants a destination for her hair stuff and nice mirror really girlie stuff my my partner won't allow it as his daughter won't like it.

OP posts:

Bluelilies · 08/02/2016 08:27

We had a similar set up until recently (when eldest DSD left home) with my DS sharing with DSS at weekends.

We've always been firm that it was a shared room and that the boys had an equal stake in it, despite it being my DS's main bedroom whilst DSS had one at his mum's too.

Tbh, I don't think it's good for anyone to have your DSC classed as visitors. Before I moved in me and my kids were visitors a lot and it led to a lot more conflict as they didn't have anywhere that was really theirs, and the DSC were territorial about their bedrooms. I do think that if your DSD is spending more than just the very occasional night at yours she does need somewhere that feels to be hers. If you let your DD decorate the whole room, and tell her that it's her room she's likely to resent DSD invading her space regularly and you'll get more conflict between them.

Obviously DD will have all week with the room to herself, but whilst DSD is with your I think you need to treat her as a family member who has a shared bedroom.

What2 · 08/02/2016 09:14

It all sounds awful. You partner sounds horrible. I don't know what to suggest. I think the girls bedroom is the least of you worries.

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 09:16

I do treat her as a family member always have done if I didn't i wouldn't pay for her to come on hoilday or buy clothes for her and Christmas parents and birthday. She not my daughter I shouldn't have to do that I have 3 children I do that for he should help to pay for her.. Im more concerned on how the bedroom is sorted out I want to make the room really girlie I should be allowed to do that as this home is my children home too and if it's full of step daughters stuff and not my own child's stuff I think it's wrong 2 night out the month she stays my child lives in her room on the laptop studying all the time and doin well.. I've not treated his daughter any different as I do provide for her and she has a bed with nice things on why can't my daughter have the things she wants

OP posts:

Gazelda · 08/02/2016 09:28

Your DP is the biggest problem. He sounds horrible, irresponsible and not as attached to your DDs as he expects you to be towards his DD.

Until you resolve this, I think you will always be facing battles.

Have you moved into a home he lived in before you got together?

But as to the tv, it sounds as though the new to would be replacing an old one that doesn't work well. Surely you just run the use of the new to along the same lines as you did with the non-working one?

lunar1 · 08/02/2016 09:31

Your dd can't have what she wants and needs as you are choosing to live with a tosser. Does he have any redeeming qualities. Between you you have 4 children who are all going to suffer for their parents decisions.

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 09:36

It's all because I said to my daughter mummy will buy u a new tv as the one u got is not so good now and that was it bang he went saying why u promise ur daughter a telly what about my daughter I said it was out off txt I just said to her I get her one and it's in a room were both kids can see it.... and he moved in to my family home but rubs it in my face that his daughter given up her bedroom on his home then we moved 37 miles away from my family as his work was ere but I had to give everything up and move my children away from everything they ever known

OP posts:

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 09:39

Oh and he won't look after my children so I can have 5 mins more so the disibility child he will not take her for 5 mins so I can have a break. I can't work as he told me he won't cope with the kids on his own and Ive had to let down a girlie night out in town coz he said what happens if ur daughter has a meltdown... so I'm a wench at home doing the same old shit every day

OP posts:

What2 · 08/02/2016 09:50

Have you considered if you would be better off without him. He sounds horrible.

Original poster

Superdry01 · 08/02/2016 10:01

The amount off times I try n tell him in not happy and he can't speak to me children like there shit I never ever talk to his daughter like it. I cry and tell him things need to change and all I get is well let's spit up he called my 10 yr old a fucking retard at the weekend coz she was having some banter with him and it got out off hand and he turned I went for him told him that's it u don't speak to my girl like that. Maybe u right I should leave him and move on but it's hard

OP posts:

lunar1 · 08/02/2016 10:14

Do you think a mirror and girly bedroom will make up for being called a retard?

Will your children look back in 20 years and say, yes we had a great childhood, step dad was abusive but it was all ok because I had a girly bedroom!

MeridianB · 08/02/2016 10:24

Oh Lord, OP.

Bedroom decor feels like manic distraction here.

Meanwhile, the horrible aspects of your DP are too many list. I was already thinking 'kick him out' before I even came to this:

"he called my 10 yr old a fucking retard"

His feet should not touch the floor after this. What a vile person he is. How could possibly stand for that?

RidersOnTheStorm · 08/02/2016 10:24

Get him out, seriously. He's damaging you and your DCs.

DSD problem solved as well.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/02/2016 10:54

Exactly. He sounds like a right prick, so if he rightly gets the boot then you won't need to worry about his DD having a space in your DD's room. Problem solved.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 08/02/2016 11:02

Honestly OP you're a complete saint compared to him. If anyone is creating a divide in this family it's definitely HIM. You're just trying to claw back a bit of control of yours and your children's lives and no wonder you want to put your children first.

Gazelda · 08/02/2016 11:17

you have no life. you are paying for things, yet not allowed to work. your children are being treated like dirt. you have sacrificed, but not for a better life.
Get him out. Start again. Your daughters will thank you for it.

Akire · 08/02/2016 11:26

Your partner is right she should have some say BUT saying your daughter can't have a TV of her own is odd!

Say it's her birthday and every present for her room is opened followed by prefix of remember this isn't yours it's a shared present. Pretty soul destroying. Assuming the SD has tv in her room then of course she can have one. Of course when SD is there things would be shared - but you can't not share a TV in your average sized bedroom.

I would sit down and ask them both about their preferences or top 5 things want in new room. Then pick may 3 your daughter decides and 2 SD. I'm being generous though as you don't have the room for her to have 100% of stuff her way. And if your daughter is there 365 days and SD say 50 nights I would be very upset if I wanted a pink room SD wanted a blue room. And I had to live with a blue room that I hated.

i would get SD choose bedding maybe a rug, picture or notice board for the wall. If these are vastly different tastes to your daughters least they can be put away in between visits. Given its her room 310 days a year and a shared room 50 days a year.

To be honest sounds like your partner is worried about his daughter being pushed out with your three (or two if baby is his) but he is a step parent to your other two so he should also be maxing out on making them feel just as accepted and comfortable not over ruled on decisions by his daughter either.

Akire · 08/02/2016 11:29

Ok so I missed the last comments ignore me and dump the horrible git!

You do not say that to kids. You do not make your bend over backwards to provide inviting place for his daughter while making your children feel unwelcome unloved and refusing to do basic care for 5min for them. He's a taker !

venusflytrapper · 08/02/2016 11:36

For the sake of your kids please kick the horrible piss taking bastard out!!

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