gonna have a go at disengaging

[WSM123]

I have been reading a lot because I'm getting more and more frustrated with the stepkids (and to be fair DP when they are around)
Over trying to think of what to cook for dinner that SS4 might actually eat.
Over thinking that BM might have actually bothered to toilet train SS4 and then stressing all weekend when my furniture id getting pee and Poop all over it.
Over picking up toys so I don't break and ankle etc.
So I'm going to have a go at disengaging (I like tidiness so some might be tough) but here are my thoughts on what to do (any suggestions will be appreciated)
-I will cook what ever I want for dinner and if they don't want it, tough luck
-If toys are not picked up at the end of the day (preferably when no longer being used) they will go in a box, (they can be earned back out of the box by chores etc, at discretion of DP) and not earned back they will go to hospice of home builders
-Washing will be done IF its in the laundry basket, and only when I have a full load to do

• if SS4 has wet od sh*y pants he will have to stay off the furniture (if fine maybe even outside) until he askes DP to clean him up (in the past its me stressing about MY furniture that takes him and cleans him up as soon as I notice.Even if I ask him if he pooed his pants he will say no, so from now on I will simply tell him to get off the furniture)

-anything else they want they will be told to ask DP

I actually feel less stressed already, just making a plan has helped

Why???? do you assume responsibility for how other peoples kids turn out?? (unless you are a teacher).
Is it your responsibility other peoples kids have manners? Respect for other people? an education? basic morals? etc

Because you play a pivotal role in their lives so rather than throwing your rattle out of the pram find a way to Co parent successfully or find a relationship without children.

OR remember they have 2 parents who are responsible for their up bringing and realise its not my duty. I'm not saying I have NO ROLE, I'm saying its not MY responsibility

In fact I would be willing to bet a million bucks, that if a SM said "i believe its my responsibility to ensure the SKids grow up with good manners, a good education and generally good morals", they would get absolutely slammed for being too involved.
Clearly you wouldn't let them play in traffic, but manners, education, morals etc are not a step parents responsibility.

Agree about the education thing. I don't get involved with dsd's education and schooling. Eg DP needs to make sure dsd does/doesn't have any homework and to help her if needed.
I also leave play dates with her school friends up to her mum.

Of course step parents have a role to play in the DSC lives, but that doesn't include decisions on their education, manners, morals etc. As has been said, they have two parents and they are the people who have to co-parent and shape the DC lives. As a SM of fully grown DSC, I have very often observed shortcomings that I consider to be fully the responsibility of their parents, but unless it affects me directly, I keep right out of it....not my business!

Wdigin2this I agree with you entirely.

I keep out of anything to do with DSS. If ever I do give an opinion or tell DH something that I have heard, (My two also go to the same school) usually behaviour related, I get no thanks, just told off for being mean. I now say nothing.

If Dh is happy with him being in trouble for bullying, detentions every week for not doing homework and playing on the computer for 12 stretches, fine - not my problem.

Exactly :-) have a fantastic weekend ladies

As a SM of fully grown DSC, I have very often observed shortcomings that I consider to be fully the responsibility of their parents, but unless it affects me directly, I keep right out of it....not my business!
Absolutely!

The reality is that no parents can be certain that their choice of upbringing is the absolute best for their kids who as a result will grow to be the happiest, most adjusted adults. The right that parents have -within legal parameters- is to raise their kids as THEY think is most likely to be the best. This is not the right of a step-parent, just like it isn't a right of grand-parents, teachers, friends etc... They can of course ensure that the way the child is brought up doesn't impact negatively on them, they can of course advise, but they cannot expect parents to change their educational beliefs to suit them.

My SM was convinced that my parents were bringing me up with serious shortfalls and felt she had a responsibility to take over for them for my well-being. She put a lot of pressure on my dad to that regard. Thankfully, he stood up to his convictions and they can't have been so bad as I am indeed a very well-adjusted adult who gets along brilliantly with my SM, who actually now feels closer to me than her own DD. All her obsession about my up-bringing did is create a very negative atmosphere in the family and made me dislike her deeply. What a waste!

My DH split up with his EW when his DC were young, and t appears that one of them has decided he'll be (financially) paying for it for the rest of his life!

Well he can always say no...... it's not compulsory is it?