gonna have a go at disengaging

[WSM123]

I have been reading a lot because I'm getting more and more frustrated with the stepkids (and to be fair DP when they are around)
Over trying to think of what to cook for dinner that SS4 might actually eat.
Over thinking that BM might have actually bothered to toilet train SS4 and then stressing all weekend when my furniture id getting pee and Poop all over it.
Over picking up toys so I don't break and ankle etc.
So I'm going to have a go at disengaging (I like tidiness so some might be tough) but here are my thoughts on what to do (any suggestions will be appreciated)
-I will cook what ever I want for dinner and if they don't want it, tough luck
-If toys are not picked up at the end of the day (preferably when no longer being used) they will go in a box, (they can be earned back out of the box by chores etc, at discretion of DP) and not earned back they will go to hospice of home builders
-Washing will be done IF its in the laundry basket, and only when I have a full load to do

• if SS4 has wet od sh*y pants he will have to stay off the furniture (if fine maybe even outside) until he askes DP to clean him up (in the past its me stressing about MY furniture that takes him and cleans him up as soon as I notice.Even if I ask him if he pooed his pants he will say no, so from now on I will simply tell him to get off the furniture)

-anything else they want they will be told to ask DP

I actually feel less stressed already, just making a plan has helped

Wanna- im new here and have never seen a post like this before, i was actually shocked. I know that if my dp came on here and seen a post like that that i had written she'd leave me, its very disrespectful to the child.

I am a step mum and it's not without its difficulties but some people do not consider the children when integrating families. They make little effort and then go on to add more children whilst bleeting that they never knew what it entailed..... that's why you take your time..
You will also read some lovely things on here.... not everyone is the same. And welcome :)

Ok this has become crazy so I hope this helps clear a few thing up
Pretty much all of you can't seem to get your head around the Southern Hemisphere. The temperature is high20's to 30 degrees with 90% humidity, so not cold. So when I say STAY outside I'm not tossing the kid out, I'm simply saying " wait there for dad" (previously I would take him in to clean him up) I don't tell him off or punish him as you are suggesting.
Eating- I'm not saying I'm cooking what I want and I know they won't eat. What I'm saying is I'm not going to stress over finding something I hope they will eat (which changes daily) and then get frustrated when they don't. I will enjoy my dinner and if they don't eat it the dog will enjoy theirs
Toys- firstly there isn't a shortage of them and secondly they won't just vanish, there will be opportunity to tidy them up before dinner etc and at my partners discretion they can earn them back
Washing- I don't mind washing, what I do mind is clothiers strewn everywhere hence why they must go in the basket
Master bedroom. It's not depriving the kids of anything to stop them being allowed in the master bedroom, it's about learning respect for personal space/ privacy. (In my mind like not going behind the counter in a shop) one room in the entire house shouldn't be a big deal.
I'm sure some will still find fault but I hope this clarifies some of your issues

Can i ask how or if you deal with the children when your partners not there?. Your op did come acrosa very harsh to the child, does he live with you or do you have regular contact?. I think the bedroom thing is fair, we dont let any of our kids over 10 come in unless they are invited and the little ones will only come in if we are in there or if theres a problem and they always knock first.

They are at ours eow and I generally don't have them alone. Occasionally if there is an appointment for oneI will watch the other one of them for a while. I don't neglect them but I'm trying to remember its not up to me as to how they turn out so I am trying not to assume responsibility

I would be very upset if my child was left in soiled underwear whatever the temperature and season. The hemisphere you live on is completely irrelevant.

Omg he is left in them. Why do you assume just because I'm not cleaning him up he will be left in them? His dad isn't useless, he just often doesn't notice as quick as me (a male thing) so I have ended up cleaning him up, now I won't do it, but his dad will. Why is that such a difficult concept?

I think it's quite clear we are never going to agree on anything. Your tone, your language, your attitude to this four year old with speech delay - I think I'm quite glad you're about as far away from me as possible and I'm going to stay off your thread now.

I really hope that little boy has lots of love from his mum and dad.

Hardly surprising the ex is a cunt given your attitude is it!
And here's me with an absolute twat of an ex wife to deal with when all I've ever done is try to get along with her and be sickeningly nice to her children. Funnily enough one of them now lives with me and is grateful for me being the mum that the ex wife never was (because she was hell bent on making my DHs life hell 24/7) but if I had EVER shown such animosity towards his kids my DH would have shown me the door. And probably made me stand outside I'd done it to his young children

Maybe we just have a totally different approch to step parenting. When i took on my dp kids i also took on half the responsibility of caring for them which ment doing the washing clothes, tidying up after them, feeding them, bathing them (although i only do this if i absolutely have to and i make them wear swimming costumes) putting them to bed ect, your attitude about the child is very resentful, maybe you should work on building a relationship with him because i fail to see how your going cope when he gets older.

Wow. You are really fixated on him being tossed outside. He isn't, we are outside anyway. It's like you are imaging us all sitting around watching a movie and then he has an accident and I toss him outside.
Missing lynx, I was also super nice caring etc and all I got was abuse and no thanks, hence my new attitude of "not my responsibility" for my own sanity

WSM.....this doesn't sound like you! Whilst I agree that you can't treat a 4 year old like this, I wonder if something has pushed you over the edge, and you are actually just letting off steam in a relatively safe place!

Thanx widign
I think I'm my effort to not ramble it's come across as a lot more harsh than intended. Basically what I'm saying is its not my job to toilet train nor is it my job to clean up the mess. I'm frustrated because it could and should have been done last summer but the ex basically halted it so its been a year or unnecessary mess etc.
the toys etc are more for the 6.6 yr old who is old enough to understand

And to further clarify, often he is running around naked at this time of year outside (we are rural) so that's why it's best he wait outside for his dad to clean him up.

Didn't realise there was more than one page when I posted above, have now read whole post!
So, you're probably all outside enjoying fab weather when 4 year old has an accident, you are not actually saying, stay outside because you've peed/pood your pants, you're saying wait there until your dad can change you, don't jump on the furniture! If that's the case it obviously puts a different perspective on your post!
I think you're so frustrated because your DP seems to think you as the female half of the partnership, should be the one to clean up accidents, cook for everyone, tidy up at the end of the day's play....plus go around the house picking up dirty washing! Well you don't have to, and if you want to disengage these are the things you should be stepping back from!
Step-mothering is bloody hard on all fronts....and yes of course you'd feel more inclined to do all of those things for your own child, because they are yours....not exactly an unnatural attitude! But, it's not going to get easier as they grow....take it from me, which is why I NEVER EVER considered getting involved with a man who had young DC!
I hope all the adults in this situation can at least agree on a communal and sensible plan to get this child toilet trained, then maybe you'll feel less aggrieved, but I do think you should give a lot of thought to your own future within this family.......because it'll get worse before it gets better!

WSM I'm currently beginning toilet training my own child who is almost 3 and coincidentally he too has a speech delay.
It's hard enough potty training my own child and I didn't enjoy it the first time round and I'm not looking forward to it this time.
I really could not cope with potty training someone else's child. This is why I don't work in childcare :)

Omg thank goodness someone gets it widign yes we are all out side etc as you much better explained than me.
And thanks can't wait. The worst part is he had if sussed last summer, all was good, big boy undies, pee and poo in toilet maybe an accident if doing other stuff and then his mum told is we were in the wrong having him in undies and put him back in nappies (confusion much)
So glad I'm actually understood now. :-). Thought I was going mental.
I think it was a rough weekend so need to step back a bit

Sorry I jumped on the wandwaggon in my first post on this thread OP. Many people have got you all wrong.
I thought you lived over here and you were shoving him in the freezing cold with wet pants on.

Exactly...you've had a very trying weekend,,and just vented on here because it's a safe place! Either you didn't express yourself well, or op's didn't read between the lines...possibly a bit of both!
Anyway, why the hell did the mother put the child back in nappies when he was making good progress...no wonder that kid's confused? Did she do it because she's lazy/can't be bothered...or is it a case of, 'I'll decide when to toilet train my child, not you!', so she did it in a fit of jealousy?? Either way, she's off her head, I accepted all and every help in the process, that I could get!!!

I think it was a bit of everything, she moved house so couldn't be bothered and prob didnt like the fact DP had done a good job ( she likes to tell him he does nothing)
Thank you both for being the voices of reason

Wow lightbulb moment maybe DP has become a bit slack on the behaviours I'm now finding frustrating because his ex would always get pissy and tell him he was wrong when he used to be much better than he is now. Prob thought "why do I bother"

Precisely....so I suppose it's up to you to persuade him, (with your womanly wiles if you like) that he was doing a great job, and not to let anyone interfere with that. Bolster him up, every time he takes on a task for his DC that you would have normally done! Bloody hell, make him feel like Superherodad, if it a) gets his child potty trained, b) makes your household a pleasanter place to be, with or without the kids, and c) gets you out of the parenting role, and himself firmly back in it!!!
I know it sounds like game playing, but....sadly....to a certain extent you have to lead men by the nose, to get them to do, what they thought they wanted to do in the first place!!! I know because I'm a wife twice over, a mother of sons, a SM of sons and a mother-in-law!
SuperheroWoman......that's me!!!!

I will def take your advice on this one. Thanx. Who would have thort, venting helps hehe. :-)

Funny thing is I often say to my patients they need to trick their husbands into thinking its their own idea to come and see me when the usual nagging doesn't work

but I'm trying to remember its not up to me as to how they turn out so I am trying not to assume responsibility

That is the wisest thing I have read here in a long time.