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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

gonna have a go at disengaging

86 replies

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 01:36

I have been reading a lot because I'm getting more and more frustrated with the stepkids (and to be fair DP when they are around)
Over trying to think of what to cook for dinner that SS4 might actually eat.
Over thinking that BM might have actually bothered to toilet train SS4 and then stressing all weekend when my furniture id getting pee and Poop all over it.
Over picking up toys so I don't break and ankle etc.
So I'm going to have a go at disengaging (I like tidiness so some might be tough) but here are my thoughts on what to do (any suggestions will be appreciated)
-I will cook what ever I want for dinner and if they don't want it, tough luck
-If toys are not picked up at the end of the day (preferably when no longer being used) they will go in a box, (they can be earned back out of the box by chores etc, at discretion of DP) and not earned back they will go to hospice of home builders
-Washing will be done IF its in the laundry basket, and only when I have a full load to do

if SS4 has wet od sh*y pants he will have to stay off the furniture (if fine maybe even outside) until he askes DP to clean him up (in the past its me stressing about MY furniture that takes him and cleans him up as soon as I notice.Even if I ask him if he pooed his pants he will say no, so from now on I will simply tell him to get off the furniture)

-anything else they want they will be told to ask DP

I actually feel less stressed already, just making a plan has helped

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

RudeElf · 03/02/2016 12:31

I agree it should always bee cleaned up as soon as noticed. If the parent is there then they should be called to do the clean up but is OP talking about leaving the child until the child ask his dad to clean him? I think that is not ok. If Op is aware there has been an accident then the only right thing is to inform his dad. Children dont tell for various reasons (like my son is scared he will get in trouble as his dad and step mum made him go to his room and stand and face the wall! )

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 03/02/2016 12:33

I think it's confusing if two sets of separated parents are trying to toilet train over a long period of time, especially as the child may have difficulties, and especially if the EX is not clear about how to be on the same page, which may mean that the message is not getting through. It is probably distressing for the kid too. Why not just buy pull up 'training' pants and leave the training to the EX - whether this gets done or not. Sounds like the child could probably do with a very stable, calm environment where his speech is given a chance to grow. That may be by being very simple with him, not giving him instructions he can't understand, listening a lot, getting him assessed by a speech and language therapist by your DP.

BabyGanoush · 03/02/2016 12:38

why is all the cooking/feeding.sorted the pee and poo stuff YOUR job?

Where is your DPin all this?!

PaleBlueDottie · 03/02/2016 13:00

Where is your DPin all this?!

I'd wager that he does try to clean it up, but not to OPs standards therefore she and only she can do it properly

NickiFury · 03/02/2016 15:27

Why are you referring to the mother as "BM" - Birth Mother? It's just "Mother" it's always just "Mother" and especially so in this case as you are refusing to "mother" or care for these children in a way, shape or form.

If these were my children and I found out you treated them like this you'd never get near them again, which is no doubt what you want anyway.

swingofthings · 03/02/2016 17:56

Why are you directing your frustration on the kids when the only one failing is your DP?
You are doing the right think disengaging, but the full nature of this action is to actually not get involved rather than not doing thing out of spite.

Cooking - how about instead agreeing that you cook when the children are not there and DP cooks where they are?

Toys - I think your suggestion is reasonable, just don't get involved in deciding how they get it back

Washing - Not your responsibility, let DP deal with it

Soiling - that's the bit when indeed, you need to need to be careful. My DS suddenly refused to go to his dad, to the point of hysterics. We couldn't understand why, until I finally managed to get him to open up and it came about that he was terrified to go there and fall asleep following an incident where his dad forgot to put a nappy on him (for a nap) and he wet the bed. His dad's partner went mad, shouting at him. I don't think she meant to be nasty with him, she was just upset that her mattress was all wet, but DS who is very sensitive was very shaken by the incident. It took his dad to absolutely promise to always put a nappy on him to agree to go again, months later.

I would say that if he soils himself, take his hand, kindly say that he needs cleaning up, and take him to his dad to deal with.

Original poster

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 17:58

Ok you are all overreacting on the outside thing, it's 30 degrees here not winter and they are outside anyway. What he does is hide to do what ever (so he knows what he's doing) and then goes and jumps all over the furniture if you say did you poo your pants he will say no and get shit everywhere. I'm not saying the word shit to him (you are adults so I'm saying if to you) . I'm not simply going to give toys away, there will be warnings but there are only so many times you can ask. As for the charts we used to do them and there mother told us not to do them anymore. There has to consequences for actions, positive reward (charts) aren't allowed so removing a positive (toys) that they can earn back (reward) is an option
Hevensto. Thanks for getting it better than others I'm not chucking a kid out in the cold for an accident, and it's not being dealt with because his mum is waiting for him to train himself.
Rude elf I have considered development issues to DP and been told he's fine and I'm being judgemental and when he hinted to his ex (after he thought it over) she told him to f* off and die so you can see the type of delightful she is. And nothing can be done

OP posts:

Canyouforgiveher · 03/02/2016 18:02

Any house with children in it is going to have to deal with lots of toys needing to be picked up or children being picky and not liking their dinner. It is the norm for nearly everyone.

Not sure why you don't think your partner, the child's father, shouldn't have dealt with his son's toilet training and seem to think it is solely his mother's fault but in any case, I'm afraid toilet issues are also common with four year olds.

You aren't living in a nightmare of awful children and unreasonable expectations. You are living with a man who has children-this is life with children. Maybe you should disengage- but that doesn't mean ignoring the needs of the children. It means not being around when they are there - at all.

Canyouforgiveher · 03/02/2016 18:04

As for the charts we used to do them and there mother told us not to do them anymore.

I don't understand this. their mother can't dictate what their father does when they are with him. ignore her and go back to using charts if they work. Next time the 4 year old is with you for more than 2 days, toilet train him. At that age it won't actually take that long. Why is your partner acting like a subordinate to the other parent?

Original poster

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 18:52

I'm not sure if its sad or amusing that you assume I'm being nasty about accidents. I said STAY outside not go outside, I should reiterate that it's not genuine "accidents" that are a problem it's when you say time to go to the toilet and he says no then runs off to hide and does it and runs back in all over the furniture (there isn't a phobia because he is more than happy to use the toilet, and get praise rewards etc when you catch him running off to hide, that's the frustrating and draining aspect)
Thank you swing for understanding the toy thing, and I agree not up to me as to how to earn them back (DP will prob encourage something like helping in the garage) the other thing that could happen is I step on them and break them as I almost did the other day, then they would never get them back.
Over winter the SS does have pull ups but when it's hot and humid he gets heat rash wearing them so he gets undies. DP has attempted to train him ages ago and was pretty successful, he want to the toilet with only one accident in two days, sent him home in undies and let the mother know he was doing well etc. she abused him for being an idiot and put him straight back in nappies, so canyouforgiveher that is why it's not being done by DP.
To who ever said its not fair I cook what I want to eat, it's not what I want to eat its what I want to cook, normally I will try to think of something they will like or have liked before and it is either not eaten, chucked on the floor or smeared on the table,
I have not ever said they are bad kids, but what I have said is these things frustrate me so I am no longer being Involved in them

OP posts:

MissingLynx · 03/02/2016 18:52

I feel sorry for the poor little boy!. What exactly did you exspect to happen when you got with a man with kids? Especially ones so young, it sounds like you havent got any maternal feelings towards them at all and you just see them as a problem. I think you need to rethink yout relationship with this man and tbh if i was him and you felt like that about my kids i wouldnt want you round them.

RudeElf · 03/02/2016 18:56

And nothing can be done

If your partner thinks there is an issue and has PR then he can take the boy to the GP himself and ask for referral for assesment. 4 is not that old to not be toilet trained though so GP may not be happy to refer. Does DSS attend a speech therapist?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/02/2016 18:57

I agree with PPs, you really don't seem cut out for life as a step parent or parent for that matter. I would suggest calling it a day with your boyfriend, then your furniture and home can stay immaculate and you'll be happy as Larry

RudeElf · 03/02/2016 19:00

he is more than happy to use the toilet, and get praise rewards etc

Ok so when you say "time to go to the loo" add on "and get a treat" and see if that is enough of a bribe. It may only take a couple of days.

Fwiw i am in no doubt that your attitude to the accidents will be having an impact on this child's issue with soiling. It is very clear from your posts here that you are not dealing with it calmly and patiently when it happens.

Original poster

WSM123 · 03/02/2016 19:07

We do say and get a treat and he still says no, want chocolate... No, want a cookie.... No etc. we are very calm etc about it it just stresses me out to constantly be in the look out

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 03/02/2016 19:13

Just back off from the step children. Don't get involved......you are like a nanny, let your dh discipline them

Be polite and civil but let him raise them when they visit

Otherwise you're going to be very miserable for a long time to come!!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 03/02/2016 19:14

it sounds like you havent got any maternal feelings towards them at all and you just see them as a problem

She doesn't need to have any maternal feelings towards children that are not hers. You can't just pull those feelings from nowhere.

For people saying that she isn't cut out to be a parent just because she's struggling as a stepparent. Very harsh. When your partner isn't helping with his child from a previous relationship it's easy to feel resentment towards both him and the child because you aren't that child's mother and it's easy to think "Why the FUCK should I be doing all of this?" It's entirely different if he's not helping with shared children- you just get on with it because you do so as their mum and you wouldn't any where near resent doing everything for your own child as you would doing it all for your stepchild. Sorry but that's the truth.

MissingLynx · 03/02/2016 19:20

Cant- well shouldnt she have thought about that before she entered a relationship with a man who has children?, im a step mum to my partners 5 children and personally i couldnt be with her if i felt like that towards her children as wouldnt want to put them through that.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 03/02/2016 19:23

Missing It's very easy to say that though isn't it? But in reality you don't know what shit you may have to put up with years down the line. So those feelings could develop some time after the relationship started.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/02/2016 19:26

the youngest child is only 4, so it can't be that many years down the line can't!

MissingLynx · 03/02/2016 19:32

Ive put up with alot of shit the oldest two are 15 (im only 24) we've delt with drink, drugs, sex and i have never once felt any resentment towards them or my partner, i choose to take them on knowing full well what could be exspected. I just think she was very harsh to come on here and basically slate a 4 year old child, maybe she should have worded her op better.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 03/02/2016 19:42

Whatthe months, years after moving in together. Doesn't matter. The OP sounds really fed up and I'll bet her DP has a lot to do with that, and I also bet that she didn't know what he would be like until they moved in together. I doubt they moved in together last week.

wannabestressfree · 03/02/2016 19:45

Well.said missing....
Ignore 'can'twait' she has previous for similar behaviour....

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 03/02/2016 19:47

Here we go....

SiwanGwynt · 03/02/2016 19:47

It is difficult dealing with step children. Though I think your understanding of disengaging is very different to others. Disengaging does not mean you stop caring about the children, but instead stop yourself from getting upset and over involved. If you are disengaging your list would look more like:

Still cook what you know everyone will eat. Cooking what you know they will not eat is leaving the kids out. Ask your DH to cook for them too. If they will not eat what you have cooked, it is then up to DH to cook for them.

Ask your DH to pick up the toys at the end of the day. Setting reward charts and punishments etc is engaging big time. Ignore and step over them.

Washing, only what is in their basket is fine, do a wash for the kids. Give notice that it is about to be done.

If DS4 has an accident, take him by the hand to his father and ask him to deal with it.

All calm and with a smile. Disengaging is not a punishment for the kids, it is a way of staying sane.

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