The blame is always put on us

[Flixy102]

Just want to see if DH and I are way off the mark here or not.

My DSD (18 this month) passed her driving test a few months back and was put onto the insurance of her mums car (her mums choice to do so). As is to be expected with a newly qualified driver, the premium was expensive so she was added until the policy was due for renewal.

DH got a text from DSDs mum yesterday, saying that her car insurance was now due for renewal and it is going to cost just over £1000 for the year (with DSD added). As it is so expensive, she wanted DH to contribute half. DH refused on the basis that a) we just don't have that money spare and b) as it is her car insurance and her choice to continue to have DSD as an additional driver, if she can't afford the premium, then DSD can't continue to be on the policy.

DSDs mum replied saying ok, she would tell DSD that she couldn't be on the insurance anymore, as her dad didn't want to pay half. DH is upset that he's being blamed for this and will now have to try to explain to DSD why he's not paying.

Should we be contributing something? I really don't know what's fair as DH doesn't want DSD missing out on having the freedom of the car and getting more experience on the road, but at the same time, we don't have any spare money and certainly not £500. DH already pays maintenance monthly through a private arrangement if that makes any difference.

Sorry that was long!!

The DD is 18 not 8, an adult! I'm sure her mother, if ever acted as such, would have long given up that sort of game with a daughter who is old enough to read behind any such manipulative behaviour.

swing as the behaviour is unconscious - that is, not deliberate - it is neither manipulative nor something that the parent is aware of, so cannot "give up".
A pattern of behaviour becomes established during the separation which, unless acknowledged and addressed, becomes established as the new dynamic between the two parents. It continues long after the DC has grown up.
It's evident in many MN posts and responses.

Believe me any such behaviour from a bitter ex does NOT always change as a child grows up!

Can grandparents help? This is a short term problem as the insurance will come down in a couple of years but in the meantime it is good if DD can keep practising her driving. In an emergency or for long journeys it is useful to have another driver insured.

Why should the grandparents help out, when it's been stated earlier that the step daughter tried a part time job but didn't like it??

If she wants to drive, then she needs some sort of employment to meet the associated expenses. That's how life works for grown-ups.

These issues have been on my mind to chat with DH about, as she's 16 next month. DSD is out of the house on a school trip right now and away for another week, and DH is in receptive mood, so I need to find a time this week. Both he and exP can be prone to infantilising DSD. But money will have to stretch further in the coming years due to our family and financial commitments. I'm looking for ways to influence and prepare DH for conversations about her travel to college (bus / train), work etc. so she gains more responsibility and is not babied well into adulthood. We all know where that leads...Sorry to hijack.

If she is that keen on driving, then she will get herself a job.

Ridiculous for mum to ask dad, I've insured DSS on my car, is it reasonable for me to now ask his mum for 50%? Because I know what response I'd get (quite rightly).

the game playing is easy to see, swing I can't believe you have continually tried to pull apart OP when it's obvious what's going on.

It's shocking to see the depths some adults go to when trying to make the other parent look bad - some people don't know when to stop and give up, they seem locked in this bitter battle trying to prove... Nothing. Speaking from experience I agree with Venusflytrapper in that these games go on and on even after said child has grown up and some people just never give it up.

When I passed my test I bought my car and my parents paid for a years insurance. I had a part time job since a young age and so learnt the benefits of saving for stuff. If they hadn't have paid for my insurance I wouldn't have been able to drive.

My dd is no where near driving age but I know it will creep up soon. I've set up a savings account so when she gets there my ex and I can work something out.

I get that £1000 is a lot. Is she shopping around? I do feel that he should contribute something, but the child/adult should too. It shouldn't just be the mum - after all she's the one providing the vehicle also!

It shouldn't just be the mum - after all she's the one providing the vehicle also!

she chose to add her DSD to the insurance, she chose to provide her own vehicle - why didn't she ask OPs DH if he wanted to provide his? if she wants other to pay for her choices she needs to ask them before she makes that choice. She CANNOT spend money that is not hers.

DH spoke with his DD face to face at the weekend, turns out that, yep, it played out exactly as we thought.

DSDs mum discovered she couldn't afford to pay a years insurance on her own (or I presume, from the household budget) so said to her DD that if her dad would pay half she could get re-added to the insurance. Now DSD had already been added to the insurance a few months back when she passed her test, totally mums decision and DH was not consulted at this time. Obviously when dad got the text totally out of the blue and refused to say (mainly as we don't have £500 hanging around spare), he got the blame and DSD was very angry with him, saying that all her other friends don't have to contribute to insurance. He told her he felt it was wrong of her mum to involve him in the manner she did and he thinks that DSD understands his side of the story.

Unfortunately DHs relations with his ex have really suffered because of this, they were getting on ok (will never be best mates!) but now we're back to square one

Then maybe it is time he forego any conversations with her which he really shouldn't have any longer considering the age of his DD.

From now on, if such a situation arises, instead of texting her back, and can text his DD and ask her about it, then say they can discuss together on the phone or when she visits.

Personally, I think that telling her that his mum was wrong is acting exactly like what he accuses her of doing. They sound both very immature.

If you read my post swing, I said my DH said he felt that the way her mum had acted was wrong. He was giving his DD his side of the story, as up to that point she had not heard both sides, and he felt that he had a right to reply.

Going forward though I agree it is time to cut mum out of these conversations. If it is something major (college fees, mortgage) of course mum, dad and daughter need to be in the same room. Anything short of that, communicate with the girl. No need for big announcements, just say "I'll talk to dd to see what she wants and what we can offer" if any more demands creep up.

Personally, I think that telling her that his mum was wrong is acting exactly like what he accuses her of doing.

he was absolutely right - you have to stand up for yourself or people walk all over you.

must admit I don't know why people rely on texting when having conversations - pick up the phone and speak to the other person - stops any confusion or misunderstanding in the written word and you don't get time to be annoyed by taking a written sentence the wrong way when it is explained over the phone, there is also no emotion in a text message.