The blame is always put on us

[Flixy102]

Just want to see if DH and I are way off the mark here or not.

My DSD (18 this month) passed her driving test a few months back and was put onto the insurance of her mums car (her mums choice to do so). As is to be expected with a newly qualified driver, the premium was expensive so she was added until the policy was due for renewal.

DH got a text from DSDs mum yesterday, saying that her car insurance was now due for renewal and it is going to cost just over £1000 for the year (with DSD added). As it is so expensive, she wanted DH to contribute half. DH refused on the basis that a) we just don't have that money spare and b) as it is her car insurance and her choice to continue to have DSD as an additional driver, if she can't afford the premium, then DSD can't continue to be on the policy.

DSDs mum replied saying ok, she would tell DSD that she couldn't be on the insurance anymore, as her dad didn't want to pay half. DH is upset that he's being blamed for this and will now have to try to explain to DSD why he's not paying.

Should we be contributing something? I really don't know what's fair as DH doesn't want DSD missing out on having the freedom of the car and getting more experience on the road, but at the same time, we don't have any spare money and certainly not £500. DH already pays maintenance monthly through a private arrangement if that makes any difference.

Sorry that was long!!

Having put their DD on her insurance until renewal, she's the good guy and wants to retain that status despite being unable to afford to by herself. So she asks the OPs DP, he says he can't afford pay half and suddenly he's the bad guy because mum was prepared to pay her half and mean old dad won't do the same.

But the daughter is 18, not 8, an adult, old enough to face the fact that her dad can't make all her wishes happen and he should accept his responsibility in disappointing her and deal with it rather than expecting mum to protect her from it.

The above make it sound like mum plotted the situation just to have a dig at him when the most likely circumstances were that she told DD she would put her on her insurance assuming it wouldn't cost her much more. Then she found out that the premium was a lot more than what she expected. For all we know, she might have spoken to her daughter about it and said she didn't think she could afford it and maybe it was the daughter who suggested that mother asked her father if he could pay half.

The reality is that we don't know what conversation between mother and daughter was yet it would seem dad didn't bother to talk to his daughter about it at all. Surely if the issue is that he can't afford it, he should feel confident discussing it with his daughter regardless of what the mum might have said to her?

DH is upset that he's being blamed for this and will now have to try to explain to DSD why he's not paying.
And just picking up on this in the first post, why will he have to TRY to explain? What is wrong with explaining exactly how it is? Or could it be that he could really afford it but doesn't want to and that is why he is struggling with the prospect of having that discussion?

When I can't afford something and I tell my kids as such, there is no 'trying' about it, I just say 'sorry, can't afford it, you'll have to do without, end of' They don't love me any less for it!

swing I'm taking the OP at face value, rather than speculating that something else happened;

DSDs mum replied saying ok, she would tell DSD that she couldn't be on the insurance anymore, as her dad didn't want to pay half.

No opportunity to discuss it with the DD, no suggestion of a conversation between mother and daughter and misrepresentation of the OPs DPs text conversation.

if you doubt the OPs posts are true, then I see little point in you posting - after all, why accept anything the OP says as true? If you accept that the OP has a stepdaughter and DP, why reject her narrative in favour of your own assumptions?

At the very most, your DH should only be paying half of the increase, not half the premium.

swing I'm not really sure why you insist on tearing my posts apart, but I will try and answer your questions.
In my opening post, I said that DH will have to try and explain to his DD why she can't be on the insurance. I should have worded it that he will explain to his DD his side of things-he's more than happy to explain that money doesn't grow on trees.

DSDs mum knew how expensive the renewal would be-as I said in my opening post, she added DSD onto her insurance a few months back when she passed her test. At this point, this was done by her and paid for by her with no mention of sharing costs with my DH.

Car insurance or not - why hasn't DSD got a part time job already?

Will his ex consider paying the insurance monthly.

She tried a part time job a while back but didn't like it. She now says she will wait until she's finished school to look for/get a pt job. To be honest I support that decision as I think she needs to concentrate on school at the moment. Maybe if/when she starts earning she can get added to the insurance.

No one is to blame here, it is just one of those difficult bringing up children dilemmas.

Daughter has just passed driving test. Of course her mum wants to put her on her policy. Any decent parent would want to do this for their children. If the daughter doesn't keep driving and keep practising, she will lose the skills she has just learned. Plus, she'll be thrilled about passing and want to drive independently. All this the mum has "decided" as if she's made some sort of unreasonable decision is unfair. She is doing what every loving and caring parent would want to do and most do.

You can't afford it. The cost of insurance for youngsters is shocking. I believe you.

Daughter has just passed test and wants to make use of her new found skills and independence. She is studying for uni. She is not selfish, lazy or entitled. Maybe a little bit thoughtless about where the money will come from but hey, she's 18, she may just not realise.

Sometimes, nobody is in the wrong and it just needs some sensible grown up discussions between people who love and care about each other to straighten it out.

Oh and paying the insurance in monthly instalments can lessen the pain as I can attest from personal experience.

Agree with Hedda.

Also, perfectly normal and reasonable for mum to put daughter on insurance, perfectly reasonable to ask dad to pay half (half of the extra it costs for daughter to be insured).

If dad can't afford it, then he simply says to daughter "can't afford it, sorry".
It is then up to daughter to get a job to pay for shortfall or not.

What would the mum gain by weird game-playing and inventing convoluted ways to make dad 'look bad'?

What would the mum gain by weird game-playing and inventing convoluted ways to make dad 'look bad'?

Well that's a whole other issue right there!

What would the mum gain by weird game-playing and inventing convoluted ways to make dad 'look bad'?

Have you really just asked that question

perfectly reasonable to ask dad to pay half

Not to everyone. I wouldn't dream of asking my DDs dad to pay for something I had decided my DD needed.
My parenting decision, my expense. If I couldn't afford it without him contributing then I'd discuss the options with him - not simply ask him to contribute to the decision i had made and tell DD it can't happen if he chooses not to pay.

DDs dad is her equal parent; I'm not better placed or qualified to make parenting decisions.

And the reason that so many parents go out of their way to "make the other look bad" is that separation and divorce is an adversarial process. It creates a situation in which the couple have to 'compete' against each other, legally. One person is "to blame".

This frequently, and totally unconsciously, extends to their parenting - they are trying to be the better, favoured, popular parent. And sometimes, that results in actions to discredit the other parent in the DCs eyes.

She tried a part time job but didn't like it?? Pfffft welcome to the real world. Sorry but if she can't be bothered working at 18 years old
Then she shouldn't feel entitled to access to a car!

I'm dreading this next year!

Charlie...I TOTALLY agree!

Wdigin yes me too! At least two DSCs wanting to be on the insurance next year I think!

However, DPs EX, despite large maintenance and house - used to get the kids to ask DP for everything! You name it, their mum said it was 'up to Dad to pay'. My DP, normally a bit of a softie, even he was surprised at this. Their Mum shouted at him when he tried to discuss it. So he got all the kids together and just calmly, and without dissing their mum, explained that he paid maintenance for all these things and could not afford to pay more. It did help!

In fairness to DSD, I don't know what her take on the situation is; I'm sure if she comes off the insurance she will (naturally) be disappointed.

The issue really is the way it was handled and we've been down the same path many, many times before unfortunately.

She tried a part time job but didn't like it?? Pfffft welcome to the real world. Sorry but if she can't be bothered working at 18 years old
Then she shouldn't feel entitled to access to a car!

Inclined to agree. As I have been know to say to my DC 'do you think I get excited about going to work'. No but I have to pay for things

WE were lucky that we were in the fortunate position of being able to buy a car (not new but about 10yrs old) for DD 18th and I paid the insurance (same amount for her own car as it was to insure her on mine) but she had to pay for the petrol and the tax.

Both mine had paper rounds at 14. Work does affect their school/college work.

This frequently, and totally unconsciously, extends to their parenting - they are trying to be the better, favoured, popular parent. And sometimes, that results in actions to discredit the other parent in the DCs eyes.

The DD is 18 not 8, an adult! I'm sure her mother, if ever acted as such, would have long given up that sort of game with a daughter who is old enough to read behind any such manipulative behaviour.

In any case, it doesn't even make sense because ultimately, her mum is doing exactly the same, telling her daughter that she can't continue to pay because she can't afford it so surely being the bad guy too, if anything, probably in worse colours.

Surely if it's been a common issue, why is dad still having conversations with mum rather than directly with his daughter? It could have all been prevented if he hadn't responded to the text and called his daughter instead.

The DD is 18 not 8, an adult! I'm sure her mother, if ever acted as such, would have long given up that sort of game with a daughter who is old enough to read behind any such manipulative behaviour.

Unfortunately no, this hasn't been the case in our situation.

In any case, it doesn't even make sense because ultimately, her mum is doing exactly the same, telling her daughter that she can't continue to pay because she can't afford it so surely being the bad guy too, if anything, probably in worse colours.

She's not telling her daughter she can't afford it (this would be fine), she's telling her daughter that she can't continue because her father won't pay half. Huge difference there.

Surely if it's been a common issue, why is dad still having conversations with mum rather than directly with his daughter? It could have all been prevented if he hadn't responded to the text and called his daughter instead.

Because the request came from DSDs mum, she asked a question and he obviously answered it. He will be speaking to his DD also.

Mum asked - he said no. End of - he feels guilty his problem.

If she is then using the car to go and see Dad, thus reducing his transport costs and making his life easier - then yes he should contribute something.

He stuck his head in the sand - because she was having driving lessons and lets be honest, when you pass you want to drive. So she was going to ask to go on either Mum or Dads insurance. He should have ahd the conversation with her earlier than he could not afford to have her on his.

Drama over nothing - he said no, end of discussion. Not really sure the mother was malignant, nasty etc.

Have DSGC of age to learn next year, and I just know who will end up paying for.....lessons, tests, car, tax, insurance, the whole damn lot!!

Tell mum your dh has booked dsd on a long skiing trip. £1800, could she send you £900 asap? No? Bummer, you'll have to tell her she cannot now go because mum won't contribute.