The blame is always put on us

[Flixy102]

Just want to see if DH and I are way off the mark here or not.

My DSD (18 this month) passed her driving test a few months back and was put onto the insurance of her mums car (her mums choice to do so). As is to be expected with a newly qualified driver, the premium was expensive so she was added until the policy was due for renewal.

DH got a text from DSDs mum yesterday, saying that her car insurance was now due for renewal and it is going to cost just over £1000 for the year (with DSD added). As it is so expensive, she wanted DH to contribute half. DH refused on the basis that a) we just don't have that money spare and b) as it is her car insurance and her choice to continue to have DSD as an additional driver, if she can't afford the premium, then DSD can't continue to be on the policy.

DSDs mum replied saying ok, she would tell DSD that she couldn't be on the insurance anymore, as her dad didn't want to pay half. DH is upset that he's being blamed for this and will now have to try to explain to DSD why he's not paying.

Should we be contributing something? I really don't know what's fair as DH doesn't want DSD missing out on having the freedom of the car and getting more experience on the road, but at the same time, we don't have any spare money and certainly not £500. DH already pays maintenance monthly through a private arrangement if that makes any difference.

Sorry that was long!!

Why would he pay half anyway?

The mum was paying insurance before at say £200 per year (random figure).

He should only be expected to pay half the excess eg £400.

That said if you don't have it, you don't have it and I agree it should have been discussed in advance.

Thank you for the (mostly) positive replies. Ultimately it's about communication isn't it, so many times we've said if only DSDs mum had come to DH with a rational approach, so so many issues would never have arisen.

DH had just been made to feel like a shit parent, which in reality is so far from the truth. He always does his best but sometimes, it's made out to be that his best isn't good enough.

If a car was essential to get her to college, then ok, mum has a point

But if the OP and her DP simply don't have the money, irrespective of how 'essential' its considered, then it doesn't change anything.

YANBU. DSD's mum is being totally unreasonable.

The car is a total non necessity-DSD is at school full time so her use of the car is very limited. If she goes to uni in September, she will be able to travel by train, which DH says he will pay for.

It still frustrates me that if Mum and Dad were still together, but couldn't afford to do something, then that's the end of it. But if they're apart, then it's somehow different?

Petal that annoys me too. Especially when people start factoring in stepparents' income. Eg. Why should one child have 4 people paying towards expensive things for them but their half siblings only 2 people?

Good point can't and petal!

Op I wouldn't worry about being seen as the bad guy. She's old enough to be told that a) you don't have the money b) this wasn't discussed with you. Then you could use it as a chance to bring up budgets/money etc.

Nowhere did I say dad shouldn't pay or that mum should have to pay, mum chose to add her daughter then expects dad to pay half without prior discussion. Not fair.

She chose to do this in the first place because she paid for it all herself. Why should she consult him when he doesn't contribute? Now it has come the time when it is more expensive, so she asked if he would, he said no, she tells daughter that she can't afford it all on her own. Of course, your partner is welcome to look at other alternatives so his daughter can drive.

What it sounds to me is that he wants his cake and eat it, ie. not want to contribute anything, but then doesn't want his daughter to know that she can't have something because he can't pay.

Do you even know that DSD is upset about it? Maybe she understands that dad can't pay half and mum can't pay all.

DH had just been made to feel like a shit parent, which in reality is so far from the truth. He always does his best but sometimes, it's made out to be that his best isn't good enough.

This is why I totally disagree with his -your- reaction. He hasn't been made to feel anything, she asked, he said no, he needs to stand by his own decision and stop blaming his ex for the fact that his daughter might be disappointed with it. Instead of feeling resentful against his ex, he should be using his energy to discuss with his daughter why he can't afford it, or doesn't want to because he doesn't think she needs it. He is a parent, he should have the guts to tell his daughter why he won't pay for something, just as resident parents have to do all the time.

swings It was never said that my DH didn't want to pay, we cant afford to pay half of this at the moment. He's more than happy to explain to his daughter why she can't go onto the car insurance at this present moment, however he would rather have had an open and frank discussion with her and her mum before he got both the bill and the blame.

It still frustrates me that if Mum and Dad were still together, but couldn't afford to do something, then that's the end of it. But if they're apart, then it's somehow different?
And just to add to this, that's not my experience. Just last week, a colleague was telling me about how his wife bought a car for their daughter (who hasn't even passed her licence yet!). He didn't agree to it, but his wife decided that he wasn't being fair, so went ahead anyway using their joint savings...he laughed at it, said that as the man in the family, he never got the last word!

I'd text the ex wife back the following:-

"no, tell her she can't be on the insurance anymore as you added her before you spoke to me and it's generally polite to ask people before you commit them financially"

And leave it at that.

however he would rather have had an open and frank discussion with her and her mum before he got both the bill and the blame.
So why didn't he? She texted him, so surely he had the opportunity to speak with his DD and explain why he couldn't afford it before responding to ex to say that he couldn't afford it, but had the discussion with her to explain why.

It wasn't until after he had replied to say he couldn't afford to pay half that DSDs mum said she would tell DSD that. It wasn't clear at the time that if DH didn't agree/offer to pay half, that DSD wouldn't get insured.

Very well, but still nothing to stop him contacting her and explaining. Surely at 18, she is old enough to understand your financial position and that it is not something you can afford and that it is not a question of blame?

As others have said, her mum should have discussed it with your DH first, before she made any promises to DSD.

On a practical level - has she shopped around for cheaper insurance, and checked out the option of getting a black box fitted? I got one for my car when I first put DSD on it, and it reduced premiums by 25%. It also meant I could monitor how DSD was driving (and see where the car was at any time ) She's been driving a year now and it's gone down again to just over £500, which is a lot less than your DSD's mum seems to be expected to pay. I do have a small engined car though (bought in order to make insuring teenagers vaguely affordable).

What's due to happen to maintenance once DSD turns 18? If it's due to stop soon, or in the summer, could your DP offer to use some of the money he's saving there towards the car insurance?

What it sounds to me is that he wants his cake and eat it, ie. not want to contribute anything, but then doesn't want his daughter to know that she can't have something because he can't pay.

See, I think it's mum who wants to have her cake and eat it.
Having put their DD on her insurance until renewal, she's the good guy and wants to retain that status despite being unable to afford to by herself. So she asks the OPs DP, he says he can't afford pay half and suddenly he's the bad guy because mum was prepared to pay her half and mean old dad won't do the same.

Mum made the decision to pay for insurance not knowing what the long term financial commitment would be. The mum should never have involved the OPs DP - either the DD should have asked her dad for direct financial support, or mum should have covered the cost herself.

Personally I think the cost of insurance over what the mums origionally was should be split equally between mum dad and daughter.

However, she isnt really going to be able to use the mums car whilst she is at dads is she? Surely Mum would need it then?

pretty You've absolutely nailed the situation perfectly, thank you for clarifying so well what I was trying to say!!

blue DH is planning on paying maintenance to DSDs mum until DSD officially finishes school in June, then will provide a similar sum directly to DSD to help her when she hopefully starts uni in sept so no spare money unfortunately.

We happily pay half of other extras including school trips etc on top of maintenance, however this is something we feel isn't totally necessary and we simply don't have £500 laying around, it's more than a months mortgage payment!

Personally I think the cost of insurance over what the mums origionally was should be split equally between mum dad and daughter.

Why? Because mum has decided their DD deserves to drive her car?
What about Dads opinion? Does that not matter?
And, as the OP says it's their ability to pay that is the limiting factor, why does someone else get to decide that the OPs household incurs debt for something they had no say in?

Nope. If this was a conversation being had prior to the DD passing her test, that would be different.

But mum decided to insure the DD on her car so mum should deal with the consequences.

penny DSD doesn't earn any money so can't be included into the equation unfortunately.

I think if, after discussion, DSDs mum had suggested that the difference in the two premiums ie between her normal premium and one with DSD on it be split, and the payments be paid monthly, then that may have been an option we could have considered. Unfortunately this wasn't the case and paying £500 isn't an option for us.

Why isnt she working? At least a bit of weekend work.