Greedy ex, unreasonable demands and feeling resentful

[Poppy3282]

Think I just need a rant so thanks for listening, I am so fed up with my husbands ex and how so many people assume that the mother is always hard done by but the fathers family are never considered.

My husband has 2 children with his ex wife, 15 and 14, he pays about £100 more a month then CSA say (private agreement and the CSA figure is worked out on him never having the kids over night but we have them every other weekend, 2 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at xmas, a week at easter and usually one other half term too so it will be much higher then £100 more) but he also pays for all clothes, all shoes, school uniforms, all school trips, gives the kids £10 a week pocket money and his ex will still contact him normally once a week demanding more money, which often he gives.

When they split up she moved away, then moved again and then again, so now lives 3 hours drive away, my husband does that drive every other week, you can imagine the cost of fuel to do 12 hours driving twice a month, it also means that he is gone pretty much the whole of Friday and Sunday and takes a half day Fridays so he can drive up (I sound petty I know!)

We have a 3 year old girl and 6 month old twins (the twins were not planned after being told I wouldn't have children naturally after IVF for our 3 year old) I had to have an emergency c section with the twins, I lost a lot of blood and was in a really bad way, I could barely move and kept coming over really really dizzy, 2 days after I got out of hospital, his ex kicked off about him not having the kids (and when I say kicked off, screaming phone calls, his kids calling up crying because she had started on them) so he left me on my own with a 3 year old and baby twins who I could not pick up to go and get his two, in the end I had to hobble down to the front door and send my 3 year old to the older lady next door and ask her for help, this is not a lady I know very well but the twins wouldn't stop crying, I physically could not lift them and the world kept spinning and my vision going everytime I stood up, in the end the old lady next doors daughter came round as well because she came to visit her mum but her mum wouldn't leave me, I have never felt so humiliated to see the pity in their eyes as they looked at me and discussed in hushed tones where my husband had gone and left me in such a state.

Now don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, he is fantastic with our kids, he works hard and I get that is it a real juggling act, with him trying to keep everyone happy but I just feel he gives in to her too much and due to this we have to come second.

Its so childish but I am so so so angry that she has never worked a day in her life but because of the sheer amount of money my husband gives her or the children, we cant survive without my wage so I am going back to work in 3 months, she acts like the world owes her something yet shes always got the latest iPhone, kids said she just bought a 60inch 3d tv, has a new car every 3 years, she is obviously committing benefit fraud as I don't believe she has told them that her boyfriend lives with her, he is a mechanic so doesn't earn crazy amounts but they live the life of riley.

They also go on 3 holidays a year, they take their youngest 2 but have never ever taken my step children, we took our daughter to butlins for a long weekend before the twins came along and got a barrage of abuse from her because we didn't take my step children, we were gone for 3 nights and the older kids would of been bored stupid, we would love to take them abroad but we cant afford it, so none of us go unlike them on 2 abroad holidays and 1 week away here every year, this year I have just found out, my husband is paying for her to take his two away with them..... we can't afford a weekend in Skegness but he is paying for their mother to take them on holiday because he feels bad for them getting left behind all the time...

I am so fed up of my children missing out while my step children get money thrown at them, I am really struggling, having to buy second hand bundles of clothes for the twins off of facebook while my step children are spending £60 on one t-shirt from super dry, it's not fair!

It's just one thing after another, the ex gives us abuse all the time, she encourages my step children to be nasty to my 3 year old, the other month one of the kids must of had a picture of my little girl, she had been doing painting and was sat in her knickers and vest, covered in paint, hair a mess and my husbands ex got hold of it somehow and posted it on facebook saying that I couldn't care for my child and that she was obese and ugly! They have also done the same with me when I haven't been aware, ie when I had just had the twins, belly hadn't really started to deflate at that point and one of them took a picture of me and sent it to their mother which she put on facebook and one of the kids friends mum alerted me two both the pictures so I could report them and get them taken down. I had an eating disorder for many years, for me being a size 12 is difficult, my mind screams starve yourself every time I look in the mirror but I go look at my kids and force myself to eat because I don't want them growing up thinking a persons worth is based on how much they weigh.

Its just really getting me down, I'm starting to really resent the money he gives and the children being here.

And everytime my husband takes them back, she will arrange for him to drop them off at say 6pm, then text at 5:30 saying shes gone out and wont be back until 9pm, so he has to go and take the kids for food and then bowling or cinema or something to kill 3 hours! Then drive 3 hours home again.

At times I just want to leave him, I'm done being made to feel guilty for wanting my children to have a nice life, if he just paid what csa said then we could probably cope without me working until the twins are a bit older.

Cut it right back directly. Remove half the cost of pick ups too. In court she'd be expected to do half the travel. Do it one go, because she is going to go ape each time otherwise.

Seriously. Clothes money straight to kids - again removing her power. IF they waste it, they'll learn for next time. Take her power away.

Talk to the kids and tell them how it is going to be, and why, then you take her power away.

Say they are welcome to come as often as they want (if you can deal with this), but when the eldest goes away to uni (or whatever) the twins will be getting the biggest room.

No conflict. Family meeting (they work), ask for input. Not at meal times but a specific time. Say this is how we see things. This is what we are going to do about it. Do you have anything to add? Rudeness no longer an option. Any shit on Facebook or bullying will be reported to the police, and pursued to the full extent of the law. Do not show weakness. Take what they say into consideration (or at least appear to).

Actually if you can afford it I think I would be looking to do it through a lawyer. Lifes too short for this shit.

If my husbands ex wife had posted a photograph of my DD on anything I would absolutely have tore her a new arsehole. Your DH needs to stand up to this woman, because clearly him being a pushover STILL isn't making sure she treats his kids appropriately. I'm sorry OP but if won't you need to think about what's best for you and your kids

I really think if you can do it through a lawyer you completely remove yourselves from the equation. Basically you need a letter outlining what your H will be paying from now on and why. If the lawyer thinks what you are suggesting is reasonable, then I think you can be fairly confident that its ok.

Everyone is right.... No slow removal she is going to kick off so pay the set money, give the kids an allowance etc and that's it. And stick to it.
No more contact. At the age the children are he can contact them directly. Expect a Fall out but its no worse than what you have now..

I think Wally has it straight.

You really need to re-establish boundaries if this situation is to get better. You and your children do not deserve to be bullied in this way.

First thing first, a big serious sit down with your DH. Draw a line in the sand of what you will tolerate and what you won't. Either he's with you 100% or he isn't, in which case you must then consider your future.

Then put the plan into action outlined by Wally. I would see a solicitor and get a letter sent to ex (cease and dissist) laying out unacceptable behaviour and changes to CM payments. Make sure that the letter includes stipulation that all further communication will be via email (setup new address). Any breach (cite police complaint too) will be pursued through legal action/police.

A family sit down with the kids is also necessary to establish house rules. They won't like it to start with but you must stand firm.

Do what Wally said. She needs to be told straight, in a way that she can't argue or plead or bully against.
And I'd take yourself of FB if I were you. Don't let her have sight or knowledge of your day to day lives. I know this will mean difficulties with the SD, they have been caught up in the warfare. But you can't help that (sadly). The situation must be sorted by a lawyer and then managed by your DH.

Don't drop the money gradually as she'll go ballistic each time. I would invest in an hour or so with a solicitor and get a letter set up stating that he will:

pay the recommended CSA figure
expect the children to travel to his by train for one of the journeys - he will pick them up and they will return by train
pay half of their uniform

The money he gives his ex is for clothing. He's been taken for an absolute ride.

The solicitor's letter should also tell her:

she isn't to contact you at all
she isn't to publish photos of you or the children on social media
come anywhere near you

If she doesn't abide by that, you should seek a court order stopping her from approaching you.

There will be a few months of problems - she may stop the children visiting. I think he should grit his teeth for this period of time. She will want free time from the children and will eventually send them back to see him.

It sounds absolutely horrendous.

I agree completely.... Solicitors and make the changes in one big go. Withdraw from social media.... I came off facebook and it was the best thing I have done. Batten down the hatches for your own peace of mind.

Hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but it doesn't always get easier when DSC grow up! One of my DSC with DC of their own, still thinks DF is emotionally, practically and (very definitely) financially responsible for them and their kids!
I haven't read the last page of this thread, but I think most people are encouraging you to take the bull by the horns, do things your way! Explain to the DSC, why and what you're doing differently every step of the way, then both you and DH put your heads down and charge right through this horrendous mess!
Failing that, you could always move to the other side of the country!

Poppy, just read your post from earlier today, glad to hear you've discussed this with DH and are making a plan! But I urge you, don't do this gradually, make one clean sweep! She can kick off as much as she likes, but things can hardly be worse than they are now, can they?!
Regarding the buying of clothes/equipment/stuff for DSC, work out an affordable budget, tell them that will be the limit every month/quarter (whatever works), and damn well stick to it! If they complain and withdraw visits etc...let them, it won't last, and I can personally vouch for that!
Lastly, come off social media for a while, get your DH to cut any personal contact, sort out pick ups/drop off/rooms etc, and most importantly....get sound legal advice/back up and stick rigidly to the plan!!

I agree with WDigin and others. A clean sweep.

In my experience, your DP will only step up if you become the bigger bitch! Even if you really aren't, you need to become one temporarily, through solicitors, in a firm way.

Another vote for a clean sweep and I agree about a solicitor's letter.

You are dealing with a woman who assaulted you, was shown great leniency when you did not report her to the police and then threw it back in your face via a relentless stream of harrassment and abuse.

Come off Facebook.

And don't wait until his kids go to Uni. Use the room that is SAFE for your children as a priority.

Totally agree with Bananas, you have to be stronger than her, and if that means being harder and meaner...so be it! After all, life's currently bloody awful for you, so what have you got to lose?! Those kids will not cut contact, whatever you do, trust me, they always know which side their bread is buttered!

Just another insight, my dh was with his ex from a very young age, teens.His mother was abusive, physically & emotionally and dh & his siblings have no contact with her now.It was 'natural' for dh to be with someone volatile and his ex was abusive, flaunting her affairs until he finally broke free.She is now unhappily married to nos3 so has not changed.
Dh had to undergo counselling to heal and learn how to define boundaries, he was definitely suffering from FOG with his ex and I assume is the same for Poppy's dh. Women in this situation (after an abusive relationship) are advised to do the freedom programming, - rather than label them weak.

Once I understood dh was dealing with the conditioning of abuse it enabled me to be sympathic and let go of resentments.He established the boundaries such as cm and an solicitor was helpful, more so to validate the approach.

I would like to say that the ex changed as a result but she has simply moved her vitirol to her 2nd husband and ex wife of 3rd husband.

DSD is a little more aware of her mum'd behaviour but also fears retribution so would never dare stand up to her mum so I agree that children don't always find it easy to support the reasonable parent.

Thank you everyone for your replies and advise.

That is a very good point newname99 - if a man treated a women like my husbands ex treated him, it would be a very different story, he would probably not be allowed near the wife or the children! The way she is towards the children does make them desperate for her love so I can fully understand why they would not want to stand up against her or go against her, they just want to please her, its a very sad state of affairs :( But the children do make noises about knowing the way their mother behaves is not right they also will defend her actions when they give their version of events with their mother has been fighting with their grandmother.

I do agree it would probably be best to do it all in one go, I think my husbands worried that she is selfish enough to make sure shes ok but then make the kids go without, he doesn't want them getting bullied at school for wearing clothes that don't fit or Tesco trainers, whatever we do to her, she will take out on the children in some way shape or form.

It's so wrong how women behave like this but if it was a man he'd be the biggest bastard going. My husbands ex wife is an absolute twat and his kids will see through it. Well one of my husbands kids did, and is now living with us. The other one is basically doing whatever provides the most material value which is her cos they have more money. Sad state of affairs really but money can't buy love and eventually it will come crashing down around her. Stick to your guns because first and foremost you have to protect YOUR children, and if you end up with your DSC under your roof you then have to be strong for them too. How their mother behaves is appalling the same as my husbands ex wife and parents should be held accountable for this kind of shit because they are emotionally abusing their kids

No one is saying they need naff trainers or clothes but why use her as a go between? He could give them an allowance.... Open an account for them. They are old enough now.

wannabe - I'm not sure that will make a difference in cases like this. The OP's posts have been sending shivers down my spine - sadly, it is an all to familiar story to me, and I wish I could share pp's optimism, but I think it is inevitable that her DSC will, at some point, have to chose between their parents. Their Mum seems incapable of accepting that they can have an independent relationship with their Dad.

My DH opened bank accounts for his DCs.

First his ex guilt tripped them because she wanted to do that with them and she was so upset that they had gone and done it with their dad.

Then she pursuaded them to change the address on the account to their home with her, allowing her to open their post and access the statements and correspondence.

Then she threatened to stop paying for their extra-curricular activities unless they gave her their bank cards "for safe keeping".

Finally she raged and yelled at them until they told her the pin number of the account.

Eventually, she was helping herself to the money in the account as and when she wanted to, telling them that she had used the money to buy things for them - new pillows, uniform etc. DH's DD did challenge her Mum when she several £hundred of her summer wages out of the account - her Mum slapped her "because no daughter of hers would get away of accusing her of theft". (SS and police involved, but were unable to act unless DH's DD wanted them to due to her age).

The degree of emeshment that some mums have with their DC's is difficult to relate to. These women don't seem to comprehend that their DC's have independent feelings and emotions. They expect their DC's to feel the same way as they do about their ex; the DC's Dad. And when the DC's do express a desire to have a relationship with their Dad, firstly, the Mum blames the ex for brainwashing or bullying the DC's, and then if the DC's fail to tow the line, then they are subject to emotional manipulation, abuse and even physical assault. The DC's have to choose between their parents - because their Mum is incapable of having a relationship with them if they have a relationship with their dad.

The children used to ask us to keep their birthday and Christmas money as in their words "my mum will spend it on beer" so giving the kids an allowance wouldn't work, she would take it, esp when the maintenance is reduced.

I know it is hard to comprehend when you are a decent parent and person but she is a women who doesn't put her children first, she used to accuse them of awful awful things when they were younger, before their behaviour got as bad as it is now, they used to be such sweet little things but the longer my husband was out of their lives, the more her behaviour poisoned their little minds.

She would leave him to take the kids to the beach or on days out while she was drinking with friends and now she never takes the kids anywhere or does anything with them, they have never had a birthday party since she split with my husband, they cant have friends around, she wont take them anywhere, she wont do a single thing for them, they can only do sports or things that they can now get themselves too.

I just cant see a way out of these where the step children aren't going to be the ones who suffer most

She's a terrible mother and your DH needs to take control of the situation. And take his children. That is simply awful the vile bitch

Hi op all this would be too much for me, I think when your living it - you don't actually see how fucked up it is. Your Dh is actually allowing you all to be bullied by her.

impereals post is what I'd do. No messing around, no pussyfooting and straight to the point.

Also if your Dh can't stick up for you and your kids regarding money and the other shit - you need to start drawing a line somewhere.

Good luck

The children used to ask us to keep their birthday and Christmas money as in their words "my mum will spend it on beer"

Sheeeesh! This is like something from the 1900s. Poor kids.

OP, how about waiting to see what happens and if she starts depriving them then you/DH can take them shopping and buy them new trainers etc if they need it. That way there is no issue about who has the money. This would obviously be on top of maintenance but as that is coming down and he overpaid and bought things on top, it should be affordable.

Another thought, when you did the CSA calc, did you factor in your three children? That reduces maintenance, too.

Oh I know how bad it is but I dunno, I guess you just have to find a way to cope.

The hardest part is when people presume the father and step mother must just not care about the children and feeling unable to have a whinge for the fear of being seen as an evil step mother and all the comments of "you knew what you were getting into" how can anyone know what they are getting into until they are into it!

We will see how things go, I would say it cant get any worse but shes so insane, it probably could lol

Could they come and live with you full time?

It would be cheaper for you and you'd have a better chance of getting them to behave like decent human beings.