Greedy ex, unreasonable demands and feeling resentful

[Poppy3282]

Think I just need a rant so thanks for listening, I am so fed up with my husbands ex and how so many people assume that the mother is always hard done by but the fathers family are never considered.

My husband has 2 children with his ex wife, 15 and 14, he pays about £100 more a month then CSA say (private agreement and the CSA figure is worked out on him never having the kids over night but we have them every other weekend, 2 weeks in summer, 2 weeks at xmas, a week at easter and usually one other half term too so it will be much higher then £100 more) but he also pays for all clothes, all shoes, school uniforms, all school trips, gives the kids £10 a week pocket money and his ex will still contact him normally once a week demanding more money, which often he gives.

When they split up she moved away, then moved again and then again, so now lives 3 hours drive away, my husband does that drive every other week, you can imagine the cost of fuel to do 12 hours driving twice a month, it also means that he is gone pretty much the whole of Friday and Sunday and takes a half day Fridays so he can drive up (I sound petty I know!)

We have a 3 year old girl and 6 month old twins (the twins were not planned after being told I wouldn't have children naturally after IVF for our 3 year old) I had to have an emergency c section with the twins, I lost a lot of blood and was in a really bad way, I could barely move and kept coming over really really dizzy, 2 days after I got out of hospital, his ex kicked off about him not having the kids (and when I say kicked off, screaming phone calls, his kids calling up crying because she had started on them) so he left me on my own with a 3 year old and baby twins who I could not pick up to go and get his two, in the end I had to hobble down to the front door and send my 3 year old to the older lady next door and ask her for help, this is not a lady I know very well but the twins wouldn't stop crying, I physically could not lift them and the world kept spinning and my vision going everytime I stood up, in the end the old lady next doors daughter came round as well because she came to visit her mum but her mum wouldn't leave me, I have never felt so humiliated to see the pity in their eyes as they looked at me and discussed in hushed tones where my husband had gone and left me in such a state.

Now don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, he is fantastic with our kids, he works hard and I get that is it a real juggling act, with him trying to keep everyone happy but I just feel he gives in to her too much and due to this we have to come second.

Its so childish but I am so so so angry that she has never worked a day in her life but because of the sheer amount of money my husband gives her or the children, we cant survive without my wage so I am going back to work in 3 months, she acts like the world owes her something yet shes always got the latest iPhone, kids said she just bought a 60inch 3d tv, has a new car every 3 years, she is obviously committing benefit fraud as I don't believe she has told them that her boyfriend lives with her, he is a mechanic so doesn't earn crazy amounts but they live the life of riley.

They also go on 3 holidays a year, they take their youngest 2 but have never ever taken my step children, we took our daughter to butlins for a long weekend before the twins came along and got a barrage of abuse from her because we didn't take my step children, we were gone for 3 nights and the older kids would of been bored stupid, we would love to take them abroad but we cant afford it, so none of us go unlike them on 2 abroad holidays and 1 week away here every year, this year I have just found out, my husband is paying for her to take his two away with them..... we can't afford a weekend in Skegness but he is paying for their mother to take them on holiday because he feels bad for them getting left behind all the time...

I am so fed up of my children missing out while my step children get money thrown at them, I am really struggling, having to buy second hand bundles of clothes for the twins off of facebook while my step children are spending £60 on one t-shirt from super dry, it's not fair!

It's just one thing after another, the ex gives us abuse all the time, she encourages my step children to be nasty to my 3 year old, the other month one of the kids must of had a picture of my little girl, she had been doing painting and was sat in her knickers and vest, covered in paint, hair a mess and my husbands ex got hold of it somehow and posted it on facebook saying that I couldn't care for my child and that she was obese and ugly! They have also done the same with me when I haven't been aware, ie when I had just had the twins, belly hadn't really started to deflate at that point and one of them took a picture of me and sent it to their mother which she put on facebook and one of the kids friends mum alerted me two both the pictures so I could report them and get them taken down. I had an eating disorder for many years, for me being a size 12 is difficult, my mind screams starve yourself every time I look in the mirror but I go look at my kids and force myself to eat because I don't want them growing up thinking a persons worth is based on how much they weigh.

Its just really getting me down, I'm starting to really resent the money he gives and the children being here.

And everytime my husband takes them back, she will arrange for him to drop them off at say 6pm, then text at 5:30 saying shes gone out and wont be back until 9pm, so he has to go and take the kids for food and then bowling or cinema or something to kill 3 hours! Then drive 3 hours home again.

At times I just want to leave him, I'm done being made to feel guilty for wanting my children to have a nice life, if he just paid what csa said then we could probably cope without me working until the twins are a bit older.

I think you need to ride it out as best you can until your stepchildren are adults and she won't be in the middle

You only need to read the stately homes thread here on MN to realise that this type of behaviour from a parent doesn't stop when a DC becomes an adult.
The OPs DSC are, at best, going to experience FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) regarding their Mum; at worst, they will remain emeshed and become allies of their mum to continue the abuse and aggression towards the OP.

The OP may be waiting for something that will never happen, and in the mean time her own children will grow up witnessing very dysfunctional relationships between the adults in their lives.

If the children were younger I would suggest a different tact but they aren't so if the arrangment is to drop them at six then that's exactly when I would be dropping them. Let them focus their ire at their mother.
With regard to the car I just wouldn't engage her in conversation and get your Partner to reply 'your right let's ask the cms' and stick to that. And repeat.
You are letting her 'in' too much. I would drip passive aggressive (laughs) 'I am not sure what any of this has to do with you'
And report......
You have to start fighting back....

OMG I so feel for you. How much more patient and understanding can you be. I think it is time you do let it all out, but don't take it on the children, they are only victims of two neglectful parents. I understand that you feel for your hubby, but ultimately, he really isn't being a good dad by spoiling them rotten and that needs to stop.

Firstly, it is totally reasonable that he stops having any contact with her considering the age of the children. All necessary communication can go through them. He doesn't need to buy all those extra things and without suddenly cutting everything, which the kids wouldn't understand, he needs to start making a stand and learn to say no when in excess. They are also old enough to understand that he provides maintenance, money that should go specifically on them, therefore be used by their mum to buy them most clothes and other items.

In regards to the room, they should be told that they can keep these rooms until they start college, by which point they will become adult whilst your children will be coming to an age that they will need more space.

Sending you hugs, sounds like you really need them x

This sounds horrendous.
Firstly, I think it's right that your SC have their own rooms. They shouldn't need to feel like guests in your house. I have no bio children but we bought a 3 bed so that my stepsons could have a room each as its important that they feel this is their home.

That aside, it's time for hard tactics and that includes with your DH. Unless there is an agreement for spousal maintenance, the money your DH gives is supposed to be for the children only. It's time it got reassessed by the CMS, taking into account the overnights and weeks they have with you.

She's a bully and your DH is allowing it. If he toughens up then you might find that your DSC start having some respect for him.

She hit you in the stomach when you were 7 months pregnant and you didn't call the police? Why on earth not?

On one hand I have sympathy because it sounds unbelievably shit, but on the other, you were with him for 3 years before you had your DD - plenty of time to see their behaviour and the ex's (and run for the hills). Also, I don't think maintenance for kids should reduce because their dad has had more - his primary obligation is to the children already born.

When you take on a man with kids and an ex, you get the whole package.

But he does really need to grow a pair and stand up to all of them, and you need to woman up and tackle him on this. For example, after the sneaky photo taking, I would be making them hand over their devices. And the stealing? I mean WTAF? Any why are you putting up with the bedroom thing?

What your husband did leaving you with newborn twins and a toddler while your were still ill from a major operation is just so unbelievably dangerous, negligent and uncaring that I think it would be a deal breaker for me! How can you ever have any respect for a man who would just discard his children like that?

The ex sounds awful but your biggest problem is your DH - he is unable or unwilling to tackle any of these issues.

I don't agree that a man's primary obligation is to his children from a previous relationship/marriage, all children are equal, whether they are from a first, second or even third relationship.
My ds is just as important to my Dh as his do from his first marriage, and I wouldn't let it be any other way.

Thank you for all the replies, I do feel slightly better having got it off my chest.

Oh yes 100% they would have their own rooms, that is why we moved into a 5 bed house, my issue is the fact that they have demanded the biggest bedrooms, meaning that the room my twins share is not big enough for them to both have a single bed, so they will have to go into bunk beds, having a little tot up in a bunk bed is dangerous, it isn't an issue at the moment as they are in cots but it isn't suitable.

And the fact they go mental if they think any of us have been near the room, they are here for 4 days a month, we live here the other 24 - 27 days, if my twins need a nap I don't see an issue with putting their crib into the downstairs bedroom so my daughter doesn't wake them up playing in the living room.

If they were my own children and lived here 24/7, I would still be saying the same to them! They would get the room which best suited the family, so my 3 y.o probably would still have the smallest room, then the 14 year old would have the next room, the twins would share the bigger room and the 16 year old would have the room downstairs but I would probably still put the twins down in there for their nap when the room was empty!

Its more the fact that we are the adults, what we say should go.

Its really hard to discipline them here because the just tell their mum and she goes absolutely mental, we took their phones off of them once because they had been prank calling 999 and because she paid for the phones she reported us to the police for theft! The police turned up at our door, they were slightly amused when we explained the phones had actually been confiscated from the teenage owners for bad behaviour and were given back the next day, we showed them the messages from here and they had another word with her to stop harassing us, it got better for a little while but its started again now.

I don't want my step kids to stop coming here, I wouldn't do that to them or my husband, plus I wouldn't want to be with a man who turns his back on his children but life can not continue how it is.

How would we go about severing contact with her totally though? She often takes the childrens phones so she can get onto it and send us abuse from there phones or facebooks.

I think we would need a restraining order on her but on occasions surely we would still need some sort of contact with her? She will just throw at my husband that he doesn't care if something bad happens to his kids as she wont be able to tell him.

Dc not do

I did go to the police when she attacked me and she was given a warning, but I didn't push it any further.

Her behaviour only got bad towards me when I married my husband, until then, she didn't care about me, when we got married she lost the plot, when we had my daughter she turned into a whole new level of craziness. We just kept expecting her to get over it, she didn't she got worse.

It is the abuse I take from her that causes the resentfulness towards the children, esp when she quizzes them and pushes them into doing her dirty work, they are so desperate for her love that they do what she wants to please her, its a very sad situation, sadly a lot of people have baggage, if you love someone you try and work through it.

You poor thing, your problem is you and your DCs are are not your DH priority, his first are. He needs to listen to everything you have said on here,and then act accordingly. Don't put up with being second best.

guaj given your circs I'm not surprised you disagree, but IMO if someone only has enough income to provide for 2 kids, then he should stop there. The first kids don't suddenly stop eating or growing because he's decided to start a second or third family.

If you get together with a man who already has kids, this is something you should take into account IMO.

Just my opinion. The law of the land agrees with you and reduces maintenance when subsequent kids are born.

No I agree with that, if you can't afford more kids you shouldn't have more, TOTALLY agree with that.

Or the lazy arse woman could, I dunno, get a job and stop expecting her ex to pay for everything. How dare she and demand more?
He can afford all his children......
Like I said make a stand and for goodness sake move the rooms round....

Hold on Hermione, I never once said I didn't think he should pay maintenance, it is the hundreds every single month for things on top of maintenance, the amount which is paid in maintenance has not been reduced when our other children came along either

There is a HUGE difference between paying towards the children and funding the ex and her new families life. My husband buys absolutely everything else they need on top of paying full maintenance, well more then full maintenance because my husband calculated it on never having the children over night when we frequently do and not taking our children into account, paying maintenance is not the issue.

It's the fact he is expected to buy all school uniforms, every item of clothing they need/want, shoes, trainers, school trips, holidays with their mother etc etc and because the first two get the luxuries, my children have to go without, well they aren't starving little dirt bags, they always look nice, they just don't get the extra stuff.

Plus in any family when a new baby comes along, where money is spent is re-evaluated, esp when one parent is on maternity, you would cut back on the extra luxury items, thats just life.

They get more spent on them then average families would because of the abuse and demands from the mother if they aren't treated to new things all the time.

Yes he needs to grow some balls and stand up to her but Im not trying to get him to neglect his older two

Bloody hell, she sounds bat shit crazy.

I wonder what her plan is when her children reach 18 and your DH doesn't have to pay for them anymore?

Is it possible to pay all the clothes etc money direct into bank accounts for the kids. At 14 I was given an allowance and I had to pay for it all myself. Discuss with your step kids. It's good for them to learn to budget.

I think your DH should go through the official channels now. It's the logical consequence for her bad behavior. So pay only CSA (if that's what it's called). I would also look into getting a restraining order against her. I would also be taking some of the advice here about bedrooms. Just get your DH on board. Call a family meeting and discuss it with them all.

My god. I feel so bad for you, the ex sounds like a right piece of nasty bitter trash. I can't stand to hear stories about greedy exes - it sounds like her kids are old enough for her to get a full time job and bloody well stop taking more that she should from your husband, because it sounds like your kids are kinda getting the raw end of the deal which is not fair, especially when it comes to the rooms, these kids aren't really mature enough to understand WHY they can't have their own room all the time but they need to try, its not fair that you're struggling for space when there are rooms that are only used part-time.

You've got a hell of a lot more patience than me because by now I would have got fed up, someone needs to get this woman to back off!!!

The Ex is a bully and your DP is weak, this is extreme.

Another poster here is right, who gains from this right now? Not you, kids, DP or step kids. You will not make it worse, even if step kids decide not to come. It's awful anyway, teaching them to be nasty.

It's so bad I think you should leave DP. Even if you get back together later, you will remove your kids from a poisonous environment and regain control.

Failing that, forget everyone, EVERYONE, apart from you and your own kids, give them the best bedrooms (fair if they are there full time), don't go back to work yet and insist on a minimum budget from DP, don't tolerate any rudeness from step kids AT ALL, and don't talk about EX at all and leave Facebook/ block it. If anything nasty happens get solicitor/police involved immediately.

Everyone else, including your DP is outside your control, and talking will do nothing, actions will do everything.

It is the abuse I take from her that causes the resentfulness towards the children
Then don't take it and remove yourself emotionally from her. Let her OH deal with any communication. Tell your SC that you don't want to hear about anything their mum says about her as it is hurtful when you are only trying your best to make them feel welcome and love.

The positive outcome is that they are now getting at an age when they really shouldn't be a need to have any direct communication with her as the children get older. It won't be long before they challenge her if she takes their phone and they can't be in touch with their dad. Your OH needs to be more confident about his children's affection towards him. Surely they do love him and would be upset if they were prevented from contact with him and would take it upon themselves to ensure it doesn't happen? If he truly believes that they are only interested to come for the material things they get, then he needs to seriously rethink their relationship as he will only end up hurt if it keeps going on.

Surely they do love him and would be upset if they were prevented from contact with him and would take it upon themselves to ensure it doesn't happen?

Unfortunately, that is not necessarily the case, in my experience.

The DCs may well be upset if they were prevented from seeing their DF, but taking it upon themselves to ensure it doesn't happen us by no means guaranteed.

They know that if their mum prevented contact, and they went against that, they would upset their Mum. Given their knowledge of her behaviour, her willingness to be abusive and use violence against people who have displeased her, it is too great a responsibility to expect a teenager to defy their mum in order to maintain a relationship with their dad.

Even if they have not been on the receiving end of her violence themselves, the fear of what she is capable of, and what she might do, will be very great. They know that their mum used to love their dad - yet now she is vicious and violent towards him and his family. It's not a big leap for them to imagine her behaving like that towards them if they displease her.

The OPs DH has undoubtedly assured his DCs through words and actions of his love for them - so their rejecting him, rather than risking the wrath of their mum, is likely to be the better option in their opinion.

Poppy, I feel so, so sad (and angry) reading your posts.
Widgin has the best advice. Make the changes you want and get as much free advice as possible.

The first thing I would change would be the maintenance - sit down and work out what the CSA should be (inc overnights) then add on top the extra you both can afford to pay. Then anything else - clothes etc is discussed on a case by case basis before any cash is handed over. She has nowhere to go with this other than to the CSA. If she witholds access I bet it won't last long.

Next comes the bedrooms - same sex children can share. And unless they are paying your mortgage, no child gets to decide which room they have or how it is used when they are not there. Let them kick off - they don't own you and they don't own your home. You are doing you best for them and you must also do your best for the other DCs - bunk bed for toddlers is not right. You have a say in your own home.

Then, once you have done this, work down the list of other things.

Go to the police each and every time she harrasses you or your DC in ANY way. If possible, just ditch Facebook for a while.

Well we had a long chat about everything last night, I think he is torn between doing the right thing by us and trying to please the ex to try and stop the abuse we get from her, but I just said to him that she abuses us anyway, so whatever he gives her financially isn't making a difference, which he agreed too. So we sat down and worked out how much he should be paying her for maintenance and he is paying £20 more then double in maintenance alone!

We then worked out on average how much he spends in fuel to go pick them up, clothes etc and it works out he is basically paying out almost triple what he should!

So we have agreed that for starters he is going to reduce how much maintenance he pays to the correct amount and for the time being he will continue to pay for clothes etc but I have said that needs to be reduced and the children given a limit each month, the money wont be given to the kids as their mother would either take it from them or they would spend it on rubbish.

My husband asked if we could "wean" her off of the amount he is paying now as its going to be quite a big drop in money for her, I said I would think about it as I just think every time we reduce it she will go crazy again, it isn't our fault if shes got used to being given more money then she is entitled to.

I think I made him aware that I am at breaking point and that things need to change.

I also said that if she posts one more thing about me or my children or is abusive in anyway I will go to the police, he said he understood but I would tell that he was uneasy about it.

We will see

I think he's just prevaricating. Cut the maintenance to where it should be straight away and weather the storm. She's going to kick off anyway. If you do it in one fell swoop that's better than her kicking off every time it's reduced.