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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Really irritated

31 replies

Findingpeace · 02/01/2016 14:01

My dsd (18) lives with us and has since she was 12. My dh and I went away for 4 days and just got back home. The house isn't exactly clean even though we'd asked her to tidy after herself but not that big of a deal. In my bedroom I find one of the baskets I have on top of my wardrobe that I keep makeup in on the bed. I went into her bedroom to ask her why she's been in it and she said she needed makeup for work, which makes no sense as she has makeup. She's getting ready for work and being dismissive so I walked away before I blew up telling her she knows she's not allowed to use my belongings without asking. This used to be a regular thing with her going into my room, through my things and taking things without asking but seemed to have improved the last year. So so fuming! I just hate my privacy being violated so much. Just ask! That's really not asking too much.
Just venting really. Anyone else had this problem?

OP posts:

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SoapandGloryisDivine · 02/01/2016 14:25

It's really rude when people use your stuff without asking- even when stepchildren do it. Your dsd should stop acting like an entitled princess and leave your stuff alone unless she asks. I've never had this problem (yet).

swingofthings · 02/01/2016 14:35

I would take it as a compliment as that's what most kids do with their parents' belongings. No it isn't nice, yes, they should be reminded it is not acceptable, but making a big deal out of it? Be grateful instead that she didn't have a massive party and trashed the place.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/01/2016 16:24

I'd say this was normal, if irritating, behaviour. My DSDs would never do it because they refuse to be that comfortable about me, so in a way it's a sign that all is normal. I'd be far more worried about your relationship in general, if you rub along OK then don't let the small things get to you.

Creiddylad · 02/01/2016 16:32

My DD (15) uses my stuff all the time. Even though I buy her loads, she has more make up and nail stuff than I do. I do not really mind. It is Dh that gets cross with her coming into our room and taking stuff, he sees it as an invasion of privacy.

I expect you are more cross as she is your stepchild. I know I would be furious if DSS came into our room and took stuff, with my kids it does not bother me. Not logical.

I would suggest leaving it till you have calmed down.

Original poster

Findingpeace · 02/01/2016 19:58

It just makes me so angry. Perhaps it's something that shouldn't make me so angry I guess but I really don't like her going into my room and helping herself. I suspect she would be just as angry if I went into her room and helped myself to her makeup. I've asked dh to talk to her about it, find out what she took and put it back. I try to focus on the positives but sometimes these small things defeat me.

OP posts:

throwingpebbles · 02/01/2016 20:01

I think you need to calm down! I think every teenager does this kind of thing at some point. I know I would rifle through my mums stuff
How about a lockable cupboard or something in your room?

It doesn't seem worth getting boiling mad about this; it's only make up

PrettyBrightFireflies · 02/01/2016 22:35

If you suspect or know someone snoops regularly, whoever they are, then why not give them something to think about!

Leave a box of cheap pregnancy test kits in your makeup box, or a pile of fictional love letters tied with a ribbon.

It sounds juvenile but it will totally change your feelings about it and you'll find yourself amused rather than annoyed - you've taken back 'control' of the situation and your frustration will dissolve.

swingofthings · 03/01/2016 08:59

Why don't you talk to her about it instead of expecting her dad to tell her off for it? Have a grown up conversation, say you are glad everything went well when she was away, that she showed she can be trusted, that you know that her going through your things is not a big deal (because really it isn't in the scheme of things), but that it means a lot to you to have a level of privacy that means that she doesn't go help herself to your things.

Original poster

Findingpeace · 03/01/2016 10:30

I have talked to her about it numerous times. I asked my dh to talk to her because I was feeling irritated yesterday and that's not conducive to having a good conversation with her. I also wanted the conversation to come from her dad for once.
It seems there are a lot of posters who feel that I am over the top in my expectation of privacy and feelings of anger about her going through my belongings. I have to think about that, perhaps I am. I find what creid said above interesting regarding her different feelings about her bd vs her ss taking her belongings.
So, sp out there, you honestly aren't much bothered if your sc route through your room or take your belongings without asking? I don't mean this question in anyway bitchy, I'm honestly interested.

OP posts:

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 10:44

I'm a sp and posted earlier but didn't feel the need to clarify that I was a sp

Yes I would be annoyed, but it is the levels of anger /hatred your are expressing that concern me. It's a pretty normal thing for a teenage child to do whether step child or not. I know I used to rifle through my mums /sisters stuff if I got a chance

I agree you deserve privacy but you need to set that up in a sensible way, a locked cupboard or similar maybe?

And you need to get some perspective in your anger and some ability to realise that this doesn't make her a hateful person, or a bad person, just a normal slightly irritating person as everyone is!!

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 10:47

I think the point is, her "step" relationship shouldn't be relevant but you keep emphasising it as if that somehow makes it worse

And I say that as someone who was woken up this morning by two Sc bouncing on my bed and then squabbling over my iPad! But my two own DC would do that too and I can't imagine feeling any different amount of (mild) irritation depending on which set of kids it was. They all have just as much right to be in my house and to be normal, complex, imperfect and sometimes downright annoying!

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 10:49

Also maybe take it as a (weird and admittedly annoying too) compliment that she admires your taste and style?

Original poster

Findingpeace · 03/01/2016 11:19

I think when I posted the message it had just happened and I was venting. I hope I didn't give the impression that I hate my sd or think she's a horrible person as I certainly don't. I was angry but I love my sd and she has many lovely qualities. Going into my room and helping herself to my belongings is just a pressure button for me I think. Perhaps I need to wait until I'm not so angry to post or at least watch my wording.

OP posts:

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 11:27

No, better to vent here than at her! I think the alarm bell at me was the emphasis on her being step, but maybe I was being unfair

I think just find a way to protect the stuff that is special to you. Nothing wrong with some lockable cupboards etc

RandomMess · 03/01/2016 11:29

It is what children do regardless of whether you are a "step" or not. She has lived with you a long time and to her you are presumably just one of her parents and you have nicer make up than her...

Yeah it irritates me when my dc don't respect my belongings/privacy but I remember doing the same thing!

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 11:32

I still "borrow" my mums posh shampoos etc when I go home now

chocoraisin · 03/01/2016 11:35

I have two boys of my own and a SDD and SDS. I am well aware that the SDC irritate me far more than my own two do over certain things. Usually things that I feel I can't influence as I would do with my own DC. When that's the case I have to pick my battles with their dad, and remember how I feel when he brings up stuff about my DC. It's hard. A real balancing act.

Perhaps you feel so frustrated because you don't feel you can react the way you would if she were your DD instead of your DSD. And by react, I don't mean more positively or more negatively really, I just mean 'react'.

Someone once told me emotion = energy in motion. As long as it flows, it goes. It's when you squash feelings down and suppress them, or judge them and feel bad about them, that they linger. Can you find a way to vent your feelings and get that motion going again? Simmering resentments have popped up in my relationship a few times and it's taking a hell of a lot of personal strength to develop good ways of letting them go.

Wdigin2this · 03/01/2016 11:37

Choco, you've hit the nail, bang on the head!

chocoraisin · 03/01/2016 11:50

it's taken a rough six months and quite a bit of soul searching to get to that realisation. Being basically irritated on one level or another most of the time!! Step parenting is just about the most difficult thing I have ever done. And I think DP probably feels exactly the same.

A little bit of empathy goes a long way... I find it really hard to not beat myself up about stuff sometimes (or yell at DP!!) but it's getting easier.

OP I hope you find a way to move through it. On the plus side, at 18 you've come through the worst of the teen years already! Ours are 3 - 8 years old right now and I get the heebijeebies when I think about it!!

Wdigin2this · 03/01/2016 12:03

Well, I certainly agree with your advice Choco, but I wouldn't bank on things getting better as the DC get older! All of our DC were late teens when we got together, which was because of a conscious decision on my part to avoid men with DC under 16.
But, the Disneydad (I make no apologies for that description) behaviour of my DH, has ensured that one of my DSC continues to treat DF as their own personal bank, fixer of everything, emotional crutch and general dogsbody...and is teaching their own DC to do the same!

chocoraisin · 03/01/2016 12:07

oh gosh Wdigin that sounds rough!

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 12:37

I obviously don't know the particulars widgin but why shouldn't he do those things for his child?
My parents are together but this last year they have most certainly been my emotional crutch) I left abusive ex H and also sadly a "personal bank" to an embarrassing degree. I guess they have also been my "dogsbody" a lot too. Maybe your DH is glad to be there for them.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 03/01/2016 15:13

Maybe your DH is glad to be there for them.

I'm sure he is (otherwise he wouldn't do it) but it's not necessarily what his partner anticipated when she entered into a relationship with him.

There are so many different ways to parent DCs of all ages, and it's easy to assume that the man (or woman) you fall in love with shares your parenting values and ideals - only to discover once you are committed that you are poles apart when it comes to parenting.

With younger DCs, you are advised not to spend time with them until the relationship is established - which means that when you finally see your DP in a parenting situation, the relationship is several months old.
With adults, you may not "see" your partner in a parenting situation until you move in together - and it can be a total shock to discover the person you love has such different values to you.

throwingpebbles · 03/01/2016 15:28

pethaps, but in that case you can't ask them to change. It would be awful in my eyes to ask a dad to offer less support to his kids than he wanted to.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 03/01/2016 15:56

pebbles I don't think anyone can expect their DP to change, but I certainly think they have the right to ask!

There are certain parenting values and beliefs that would be non-negotiable for me; I could not remain in a relationship with someone who parented in certain ways. But I wouldn't end the relationship without discussing it with my DP and explaining how I felt.
It would be up to him whether he chose to change his parenting, or accept that the relationship was over.

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