Really irritated

[Findingpeace]

My dsd (18) lives with us and has since she was 12. My dh and I went away for 4 days and just got back home. The house isn't exactly clean even though we'd asked her to tidy after herself but not that big of a deal. In my bedroom I find one of the baskets I have on top of my wardrobe that I keep makeup in on the bed. I went into her bedroom to ask her why she's been in it and she said she needed makeup for work, which makes no sense as she has makeup. She's getting ready for work and being dismissive so I walked away before I blew up telling her she knows she's not allowed to use my belongings without asking. This used to be a regular thing with her going into my room, through my things and taking things without asking but seemed to have improved the last year. So so fuming! I just hate my privacy being violated so much. Just ask! That's really not asking too much.
Just venting really. Anyone else had this problem?

I've been thinking about my post, the responses I got and how I was feeling yesterday. Perhaps this isn't a SC issue as lots of teens do this. But I do think it's a SP issue.
I was feeling that because I'm her SP she was disregarding my right to privacy and how I felt about it (as I said previously I've spoken to her about this issue many times). The reality is likely that she would have done this whether I was her SP or her DM or her DSIS and had nothing to do with me being her SP and disregarding my feelings (she would have disregarded my feelings no matter who I was, because she's 18).
However, because I feel as a SP my feelings are often ignored I automatically went there. An example of this is a post last month where I struggled with my DSD not sending me a text to check how I was when I was in the hospital for 4 days unexpectedly or how I don't get a text, card or gift on my birthday.
We have an okay relationship and I love her, how could I not when I've lived with her for 6years. And she does have some very lovely characteristics. But I'm not an important person in her life. I'm easily forgotten. No matter what I've done for her in the past or continue to do. (My husband works nights so I used to take her to her friends, pick her up, help with homework etc)
My dsd1 who moved out a couple of years ago will tell me she loves me but again didn't check on me in the hospital and forgets to text on my birthday.
What I'm trying to say is my feelings are regularly ignored. I don't think they do it to try to hurt me, I'm just forgettable to them.

Choco what you said resignated with me. Yes, sometimes I feel I'm not allowed to react and this causes simmering emotions or having a go at my DH which causes an argument. What do you do to allow yourself to let it go?

Yes it's really hurtful that they take you for granted more than they would if you were their actual Mum. One of my big bug bears with DH is people not listening to me - drives me utterly insane - the whole "not being heard" aspect of it!!!

I really hope that as they mature and grow up you feel able to tell them that it hurts when they don't acknowledge you as person that they care about. If your DH hasn't pulled them up on their lack of care towards you shame on him. How hard is it to say to them "It's Finding's birthday next week please remember" - just like he should with his parents/siblings birthdays, it's manners as much as anything.

But I'm not an important person in her life. I'm easily forgotten. No matter what I've done for her in the past or continue to do.

This is a very hard, but IMO, crucial lesson for stepparents to learn. In most cases - you are not an important person in your DSC life.

Even when they treat you in the same way as they would a parent (as in your case,OP), you still don't have the status that their parent does. They don't view you as a parent, just because they behave towards you both in the same way.

In many (dare I say, most) cases, a stepparent is not missed if the DC no longer sees them. There is not a void in their lives.

Of course, a stepparent can have a positive impact on a DCs life, but that does not Increase the importance of the stepparent to the DC. It's a bonus.

And that's why the natural reaction of stepparents to these "normal" DC behaviours is so different to that of a parent. Because there is t the underlying emotion, bond and relationship.

Yes pretty I think you're right. I have had a positive impact on my DSDs lives. But they don't miss me when I visit my parents overseas for 2 weeks. I do not create a void in their lives.
I've stepped back the past few years because of how this makes me feel. I still hug them when their boyfriends break up with them but I don't physically do a lot for them anymore, I let their DF do this. Besides they are 21 and 18 now.

Interesting insights, OP.

I'd still tend to get some lockable storage for your private things. It's important to know that you have some privacy in your own home.