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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Is it fair to not take Stepkids on this special holiday?

32 replies

zazas · 12/12/2006 16:21

OK - some more advice appreciated! My friends are just so far removed from a situation like mine - so it is great getting other views of people who have had experience even if I agree with them or not.

Next year we are planning to go home for a visit to NZ where I am from and where I have not been back to in 8 long years. I am beyond desperate to see my family and friends and will have a new baby to introduce as well as my other 2 who are very aware of their 'kiwiness'! It is also to coincide with my 40th (gulp) which I plan to share a celebration with a very close friend (born same time).

Anyway we can just about afford to travel at Christmas time with my two and baby but obviously DP wants to take his two children who will be 8 and 7. In a perfect world so would I but unfortunately it is a cost issue (flights are about ?800 - ?900 each) and the fact that we can stay with family / friends as 5 but as 7 is being met with some resistence. Same with a car - we will be lent one that seats 5 but nothing to seat 7.

We normally always go together on holiday and I would never contemplate going anywhere without them except for NZ - well we would never consider going there unless I was from there!

So do we go without them explaining it is a trip home for me and my kids to see family etc and down play the whole thing - or do we extend ourselves massively to financially be able to do it. Or do we not go and I just deal with the reality of the situation of being a step family?

I know DP would miss them terribly and hate not sharing this with them but do you think he could just once cope with this situation (for me) under the special cicumstances?

Or do I just go alone with my 3 to reconnect with my roots??

Thoughts.........?? Thanks

OP posts:

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moondog · 12/12/2006 16:24

Would their mother contribute?
Do they live with you the whole time?

I think you should take them especially if they spen a lot of time with you.

TEEstheCEEsontobejolly · 12/12/2006 16:27

Hmmmm, agree with Moondog about the financial situation. See if you can come to some arrangement. Sit doewn together, if that's possible, and talk about how it'll work.

Do they usually always come on holiday with you.
if you can't afford to do it and don't get a contribution from teh BM then can you arrange something else special fro them?

Original poster

zazas · 12/12/2006 16:35

Gosh hadn't thought about DP's ex contributing anything - but that could help matters... The cost issue is quite a factor - as I said not just the flights but we will have to rent a car and places to stay rather than staying with people - silly not to take them over money isn't it?. I am just scared that the reality of the cost will mean we won't go and I really, really just need to go home!

No they don't live with us but we enjoy holidaying together.

I know it will be a treat for my kids but it will be a very family / friend oriented trip - not a travelling around one. But they could maybe spend a break just with their dad somewhere special as an alternative??

OP posts:

LittleSarah · 12/12/2006 16:39

I would say if money is an issue maybe it would be better for them to holiday with their dad, then they are not left out.

TEEstheCEEsontobejolly · 12/12/2006 16:44

So what is the relationship between like between you & DH and his ex? Could you all discuss together what is happening and that you would like stepkids to come but can't afford it, would she be ahppy to contribute (quite a lot). If not then explain to stepkids ytou are going home, you'll bring them something back and then talk no more about it and instead make plans for dad, or all of you to go on a fun break you know they'd love.

moondog · 12/12/2006 16:50

Zazas,I can understand how much you want and need to be home but from the point of view of your dh, I wouldn't be planning treats for my kids unless i could afford for all five of them to have it.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Original poster

zazas · 12/12/2006 16:59

moondog - understand - so that is why I thought I might go - maybe just me and the baby for a shorten version . It is this time of year I go crazy with desire to get back! Honestly would never go anywhere else without them that is why it is hard to get my head around this. Both sets of granparents by the way think we are mad to consider taking them - think they are too young to really remember - and feel we should take them again when they are older!

Teecee - relationship OK - but she cries poor alot.... but I think it is worth discussing. Especially as on other thread she 'owes' us (her words!) and she likes when we take the kids away for long periods!

OP posts:

moondog · 12/12/2006 17:01

Zaza,I would die if I couldn't get home a lot,despite having lived abroad most of my life.

Must be hard for you.

Frostythesurfmum · 12/12/2006 17:04

I know where you're coming from zazas. We were invited on a really cheap holiday abroad, where my neice was working. We desperately wanted to take dsd with us but knew her mother would never agree to it. We asked anyway and were told in no uncertain terms that there was no way she would allow dsd to come. She didn't want dsd going on a plane for the first time with us, she wanted to have that experience with her and her other 3 siblings at home. We were left with the dilemma of whether to turn down the holiday so that dsd wasn't left out, or go anyway.

In the end we decided to go. The way I looked at it was that dsd gets two lots of opportunities. Those she has with her mum and those she has with her dad. DD has one lot of opportunities. There will be lots of things that dsd does with her mum that dd doesn't get to do, so we decided that this was one occasion when the tables were turned.

It's slightly different from your situation I know, because we would have taken her if we were allowed.

Frostythesurfmum · 12/12/2006 17:05

Could you go for the two weeks when she's on holiday?

Original poster

zazas · 12/12/2006 17:09

Surfmum - might put me in premature labour if I went then although had my 1st in NZ and can recommend the maternity system!!!

Moondog - thanks for the sympathy - have bucket loads for myself around this time of year - Christmas in winter - give me a BBQ on beach anyday!!!!!

OP posts:

Frostythesurfmum · 12/12/2006 17:10

Oh yes! Doh! . Anyway I was also forgetting the problem is the cost, not whether they can come with out (that's our problem!).

chocolaterobin · 12/12/2006 17:17

We are in a similar situation. My mum lives abroad and has been asking for us to spend xmas at hers but money has always been an issue. So this year me, dp, dd and ds are going but dsd is not. The reason is that it is her year to be with bm so she cant come. We could of gone next year when she is with us but ds will be 2 so thats another seat on the plane plus dsd so we would never be able to afford that! We took her with us at easter and are planning a break with all of us early next year in this country.

AngeGabriel · 12/12/2006 17:23

zazas I have two dsd and I think I might leave them behind.

I think this is a special holiday for you and your side of the family. I know it sounds harsh, but your step children may feel left out because your side of the family are understandably going to focus on your children.

It's not like you don't normally involve them in your holidaying. I think I'd arrange something special for all of you to do at another time instead.

Obviously it also depends on your DP and how comfortable he'd feel leaving them behind.

MerryPiffmas · 12/12/2006 17:29

Go alone with your 3 or take all 7 of you

chocolaterobin · 12/12/2006 17:31

Do step children go away with their mum atall?

Original poster

zazas · 12/12/2006 18:15

They don't go away with their Mum like they do with us - she holidays without them. It is her choice not a financial one.

OP posts:

IWhoooooshYouamerryXmas · 12/12/2006 18:16

Well what a tricky one.
My first instinct as a dsd is "all or nothing" but as a Mother and someone who gets homesick....
You and baby when here
You and dh and your children but then DH must have a holiday with dsd's to try and compensate.

I can truly understand how difficult (regardless of flight costs)it would be to expect people to put up 7 of you although for me 5 would be enough of a nightmare

whatwouldjesusdo · 12/12/2006 18:17

agree with MerryPiffmas.
I would do everything possible to try and get everyone to come along, even if you have to remortgage the house! because this is the sort of family-splitting thing that could be brought up in 20 years time.

TillyRose · 12/12/2006 18:21

I have 4 step-children and so speak from experience. When it such an obviously family oriented trip I think you are fully justified in not taking your step-children. Perhaps if you go again in a few years time you could take them then.

kittykat77 · 12/12/2006 19:38

Also agree with TillyRose.

If money is an issue (which it clearly is) then I think you are fully justified in leaving step kids behind.

Was going to ask if when step children went on holiday with their mum, would your children get to go with them? but then saw your post that step kids don't go on hols with her. However I don't think that is your fault.

We have the same financial probs, as we can't afford to go in the school hols when dss could go (mainly due to the large amt that DH pays ex every month & also the large amt of debt she left him with after the divorce!. Also must add we would be expected to pay for dss's holiday, and still pay his ex for not having him for the duration of the holiday!) We take dss with us when we are going places in this country, but go abroad out of season when its much cheaper. I don't think its fair that our kids (who are preschool) miss out on a holiday totally as there is no way we could all go in summer, and our kids do not go with him when he goes on hols with his mum...

Probably ranting abit here - am somewhat angry about the financial situation we were left in by his ex. I would definately go with your kids and DH - there is never going to be a perfect solution with step families, so think sometimes you have to be sensible about this if its not practical for you all to go.

edam · 12/12/2006 19:49

I think it's OK to go on your own (ie without stepkids), speaking as a stepkid myself. But you'll need to get dh to explain it to them very carefully so they don't get the impression that it's because you don't like them or something.

miao · 13/12/2006 11:13

I agree with Tillyrose and Kittykat. This is a family holiday with your family who you've not seen for ages and I think it quite reasonable for you not to take your dsds, and not only from the financial aspect. I have been in a similar situation but with much shorter distances involved and it's not even been expected that dss accompanies us, particularly as he has other family holidays where my DD is not invited (and I'm talking DP's family here!).

Please don't feel guilty about it, you've been away from your family for a long time and you've always included your dsds in family holidays until now. The fact that their mother doesn't take them on holiday is not your problem.

Even from a stepkid POV it's reasonable you don't take them, I certainly would have not expected to be included in something that was so patently to do with my stepmother's family only. It'll just have to be explained delicately to your dsds with maybe the promise of some alone time with their dad when you get back. Just remember to bring them back a present or 2!

Original poster

zazas · 13/12/2006 16:03

Thanks for your replies, it certainly helps to get a perspective on it. It will also help me to discuss it with DP. I do worry how he will deal with it - I know that he is torn between wanting to come back to NZ with me and feelings about not taking his children - which I can understand. However we will have 'our' baby with us which I don't know makes things easier or not! I am hoping that if we handle it carefully it won't be seen as an issue by the stepkids in the future and also if I think realistically it would be the only time as I said we wouldn't go normally if we couldn't afford to take them.

OP posts:

anniemac · 14/12/2006 11:14

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