Is this jealousy?

[movingonup2015]

my OH and I do not live together and he has one DS. Me and DSS get on great and he really likes me being around, however, I think he doesn't actually see himself as a child, he goes to bed the same time as his parents,(also shares the same bed but that's another story) the only child-child interaction he has is at school otherwise he is surrounded by adults and my OH always askes his DS "permission" before anything happens i.e. is it ok if we have X Y Z for tea to which DS will say no I want something else then doesn't eat it, is it ok if X comes over tonight (me), do you mind if we call in and see X tonight etc etc you get the gist.

So my OH never really mentions me when I am not around, and as far as DSS is concerned I only ever see my OH when DSS is there - he thinks I have popped over once or twice to see my OH when DSS hasn't been there but that's about it.

So anyway it all came to a head one night last week - my OH tries to have his DS as much as he can, he has him once in the week (over night), every evening for 3 hours and then once on the weekend over night or twice on the weekend depending on what the EXW is doing.

So one night this week the EXW wanted to go out and wanted my OH to have his DS overnight. My OH said im sorry I have arranged to go out with X that night (me) so she then had to arrange for a babysitter to have him - DSS then came on the phone to ask why he couldn't go to his dads and my OH said because I am going out with X. DSS got really upset but said ok dad that's fine but was crying.

OH felt really guilty and usually cancels whatever plans he has made to accommodate DS so that he doesn't have to go with the babysitter but this time those plans couldn't be rearranged. So the next morning DS was on the phone bright and early asking what time my OH would be there to pick him up (we were on our way home at that point) and then subsequently rang every 10 minutes crying and wanting to know why he wasn't there to pick him up yet - we had other plans that morning but they then got cancelled so OH could rush back and be with DS.

DS then gave his dad a big speech about how hes not spending enough time with him which obviously made my OH feel very guilty as he spends as much time as he possibly can with him.

SO that evening DSS went home to his mum and told her that he wouldn't be having the usual nights with his dad that week because he wouldn't be there as he was going out with me! That wasn't at all true - we haven't made any plans at all and certainly OH hasn't mentioned anything about going out with me again in the near future.

So OH's exw got on the phone asking why on earth he was cancelling his allocated evenings to be with me and obviously OH denied this. He then spoke to his DS and asked why he said that and DS replied well I thought you would want to go out with X again so I wont bother coming over....

Now if this was a regular occurrence I could understand his point of view but it was ONE evening and it wasn't on the evening that he usually has him anyway it was only because the EXW wanted to go out. In all the time we have been together OH has always cancelled our plans to accommodate DS if the exw has plans to save him having to be with a babysitter so personally I think DSS is acting very unreasonable.

So - from my point of view (and shoot me down if you will) I think DSS is becoming jealous and sees himself as one of the adults and thinks that whenever I'm around he should be around and any going out plans should include him because that's what's happened up to now.

its very difficult approaching this subject with my OH because any suggestion that DSS is purposely playing up I get slammed and an argument starts so I'd rather have some other points of view before I go back in and have this conversation.

I don't have my own children so its very difficult for me to see it from another perspective but I feel that this should be nipped in the bud and somehow DSS needs to know that its ok for his dad to spend time with other people now and again....

I have had exactly this problem with one of dh's children. Your dss is testing your dp and telling his dad loud and clear that he expects to come first. Yes, it's jealousy.

Mine (a little older than your dp's son) used to go one step further and change his mind at the last about an activity we had all planned to do together in favour of something different entirely; then ask dp to chose directly between us who he was going with.

I think you are in a very difficult position.

It seems very clear that your DP needs to put in WAY more boundaries with his DS, and find a parenting style that enables his son to know he is loved and feel secure without that translating to letting him have what he wants in every situation.

However - can your DP truly sees the worth of making this change and will he believe it is really in his DS's best interests? Because otherwise if he just starts to change things to keep you happy, I don't think it will work.

NRPs are in a difficult position when their child has the option of refusing to see them if they don't like a certain rule or punishment. But I think in this case your DP isn't in a terrible position, it seems he has a reasonable relationship with his ex (good) and she clearly wants him to have their son as well, she isn't going to want to withdraw contact.

I think your only hope is in your DP seeing that more boundaries (bedtime at appropriate time, own bed, not getting to decide on plans/dinners for the whole household) are good for his son and his own relationship with his son.

Ultimately if your DP doesn't believe that, or feels that the changes would be to the detriment of his DS and for the benefit of you only...well you have a difficult road ahead.

Hi iam not sure if this will help at all so u can tell me to one u r more then welcome lol
This is my experience and how we coped
I started dating my bf just over a year ago and at the time he didnt have ds full time he had told ds that he had a new friend he wanted him to meet when he was next down (at the time he only got him in the holidays long story) when ds came down I point blanked refused to go the 1st week not that I didnt want to meet him I just didnt want to infringe on their time together so every evening we would snapchat each other so dss could c my face and have no surprises when he met me and if he didnt want to talk he didnt have to he cld just pull funny faces lol I eventualy met him it was a family get together (id already met the rest of the family ) so he had a escape if he wanted it to nanny or aunties etc.
I went round most days for the rest of the time he was down and just joined in with what dss and bf were doin
after id met him a few times I asked bf if I could take him out just me and dss and he said of course and it was the best thing I ever did we realy bonded we just went to the park and mc d nothing major for our first outing, it helped him get to know me and me him so after that we would have two days a week 1 with just me and dss and one with just bf and dss and the rest we were together and it realy helped dss feel less jealous etc because he knew he would get a day where it would be just him and one of us and our attention was just on him, I eventualy moved in with bf n dss didnt batter an eyelid even when he would phone he would ask speak to me, we now have dss full time atm for alot of reasons but when he was with dm he would come home from school go on the computer straight away until at least 10pm (he is 6!!!!) now he has set comp times and has to make his own bed gets changed on his own n puts his pack lunch together(obv we make it lol) he has grown so much and is doing so much better
so long way round sorry but have u thought about taking ur dss out just u and him so he feels that he gets time with u and his dad on his own then he may not feel that he needs to be there everytime u are, me and my bf once a month go out with dss for date night and we have no issues with leaving him its always with nanny and he is happy to wave us of saying have a gd time etc
its even to the point where he now asks if he can spend time with me just me and him sometimes.
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sorry that was long got carried away lol x x

Justmuddling....couldn't agree more! If the OP continues with this relationship, I predict a miserable future!

It doesn't have to be a miserable future. It will be so if OP' partner is not prepare to make efforts to start prioritising OP in his life. At the moment, he is showing signs he is willing to do it, it's a start. The issue is whether these efforts will be sustained, whether they will meet OP's expectations and how much energy is she prepared to put into it to make the relationship work.

My OP has changed dramatically since we first met. At one point, I felt so frustrated with how slowly matters were evolving to feel that he was truly committed to me, I considered seriously leaving him despite loving him deeply. I stuck to it though, many arguments with me telling him that I wasn't happy with the current situation but it was all worth it as it did prompt it to make these changes and he has certainly sustained them. We married over two years ago and he has continued to make some changes (as I'm sure I have too) so that we are now living in perfect harmony. We haven't had an argument for as long as I can remember and are very happy together.

It is sometimes worth being patient and persistent!