To wonder im right to be pissed off

[Olivia1971]

Hi

So have been with DH 11 years, have 2 SDs 15 and 11. The relationship with their mother has been at times horrendous, and after a period of difficulty and about 15k in court fees access is going great, and has been for the past 4 years. I Have 2 DDs, one 2 and one 11 months - and at pick up yesterday I was talking to SDs mother. I refuse to get involved with the disagreements between DH and her, and make a point to be very respectful of boundaries, as in will run things past her like haircuts, eyebrow threading etc. She never makes an issue but I am careful to be respectful.

I don't like the woman personally, but she will always be around so I am courteous and friendly when she drops off/picks up as I don't see the point of being a nob for the sake of it. I am also not silly enough to believe everything the SDs say when they come and claim that they have no clothes, never bought anything, etc as its blatantly a bit of teenage manipulation to try it on with their dad. Plus she is always friendly and courteous to me, so I don't see the problem.

Is it weird to think that perhaps in another life, without me being involved with DH we might have even been friends? A lot has gone on that means I'll probably always have a mild dislike of her, but that doesn't mean I don't respect her. She has a disabled child with her new husband, and I can see with all of her sons conditions life must be very difficult at time, and I think she does a great job of coping. I also think that she is a good parent for the majority and that the dispute years ago was caused by members of DH stirring shit for their own entertainment. I am never negative about her to the girls, if anything I am quite positive when they bring her up as I think it is important for the girls to know their is no issue and we can get on.

Anyway, at pick up yesterday I had my youngest in my arms, and she was cooing over her and asked if she could hold her. I said yes as I didn't see an issue with it. DH has since made a big thing of allowing her to do it, and his friends have been like 'ooh are we BFFs now' and 'when she coming in for a cup of tea'. He wasn't happy with us talking and me allowing her to hold DD.

I thought he was being a twat and told him so. He also wasn't happy with me inviting the other one of her children in for a birthday party we were having for our DD a couple of months ago. It was a giant bouncy castle and her son obviously felt left out and I felt bad for him. It was half an hour and a party bag and there was a herd of other kids there anyway. I didn't see the issue and it made the son feel better.

DH has accused me of being inappropriate and disrespecting him. He has said this is his home, he doesn't want her or her kids in it and I need to remember who I'm married to. But to be fair, as much as shes ok, and seemed to appreciate the gesture, all the kids were told to not tell the Step Dad about her son coming in as he wouldn't like it.

I'm a bit like all of you grow the fuck up, im only trying to make things easier for the kids involved. So AIBU?

Yanbu. Your dh needs to remember that her kids are his kids siblings. Like it or not, he will be linked to her forever and needs to grow up and not be a dick.

Also he has no right to tell you what to do. Presumably he isn't the one at the school gate every day, so how you handle that is your business.

No your not being unreasonable. I have the same relationship with my dss's mum, last week dss was dropped off so he could see his newest brother and then we were taking him onto start uni the next day and we had in total 6 boys running around the house and garden playing. (We have three, she has another two) oh and dss's mum spent an hour sat on our sofa cuddling 8 week old ds3, she as well as me do not call dss a half brother he is a brother end off.

Your DH isn't being fair on the boy, he should separate out the kid from his Ex and of course he should come along.

However, at least he does have boundaries! Better than not. So if I were you, I know being courteous is OK but I'd step back a little more from the Ex. I can't see the need to talk at the school gates, a polite hello or very short chit chat. Not so much that she would be offended, just to be clear. Your DH might be fearful of things becoming too pally with just reason.

Ex is probably very nice but there is just too much conflicts of interest - I was respectful and went out of my way to talk to my DPs ex for a while - and he was also wary - and then she went absolutely loopy with me and started to stir up things with the kids - to the point that now she is a real thorn in my side. I wish I'd seen that at the beginning!

I was quite good friends with ex's now ex (she saw the light I assuem )

We would definitely have been friends if we'd met in different circs and I would say that , yes, we had a friendship. While ex wasworking away for a couple of months she would call and ask if ds wanted to go over (her ds similiar age, they were freinds too!) I'd stay for coffee, even dineer once or twice. We all had christmas together once and it was great for the kids.

It's nice to be nice imo

I think this says more about your dh than you or her and it's not good. Sounds like his friends are shit-stirrers too.

I also think it's nice to be nice. I expect the kids will thank you for it when they are older.

Well I'm great friends with exs dp and all our dc get together lots / but nothing bad has gone on...if he had to fight to get access for years and through the courts I can see why he'd hold a grudge...

It's nice to be nice - as the girlfromipanema puts it so well. Maybe not besties - but she is going to be around for as long as you are in DH's life.

I think it's storing up trouble not telling Stepdad about stuff though - like the party. Her not being an enemy will make stuff easier in the future. Tell him to jog on.

YANBU.

The kids are related and this needs to be acknowledged. Your DH is allowing HIS feelings to get in the way.

FWIW, one of my best friends is my ex-partner's ex-wife. While I was with ex-partner, I was good friends with her, but it's only since we split that we've become even better friends.

At the end of the day, we're all just people.

In all fairness the chit chat is all related to the SDs. I'm not there for ages, but she always asks about our kids so I do hers, and then its mostly stuff they've been up to, as we have 50/50 access. I don't go out of my way as such for a chat, but I wont be a frosty bitch either. I think it has made things easier as there is less room for the girls to play us off against each other as well, as they have been caught out a few times. 'Dad said I could have this, Olivia is taking me to have my tongue pierced'- err definitely not and they had told me their mum said ok as long as I took them. I caught DSD 15 truanting the other day - I was driving home from hospital (have a long term health condition, don't want to say in case its outs me) and saw her 15 mins away from school at half 1 with a bunch of kids. So I called her mum (DH at work) and asked her what she wanted me to do, whilst parked opposite keeping an eye on her. Well it was funny watching her look round wondering how her mum knew where she was. We did have a joke about it - and her mum did say she appreciates things being friendly as it makes things like this easier to deal with.

If DH had his way, I'd just stand and glare at her - he barely mumbles 2 words to her and it makes life awkward when organising family life in general, hence why I get texted all the time. Wish they could just grow up and get on a bit better.

Her son was waving at our eldest DD the other day in Tesco, and she waved back and DH was not impressed. I rolled my eyes waved back, (the son has complex conditions so on top of a wheelchair, doesn't understand why people sometimes don't get on). Think its all a bit juvenile, im not saying we have coffee and become BFFs but I don't see the problem with polite conversation with no awkwardness for the kids sake.

*Rolled my eyes at DH - not exs son

It sounds like you are doing a great job in a difficult situation. Your DH needs to put his kids first. It's nice for them to have all their siblings together at times, no matter how difficult he finds that.
You are not being over-friendly, you are working on maintaining a good relationship.

YANBU. Your DH is failing to see that this boy is his DDs brother and that your DCs are always going to be linked to this woman through their sisters. Life gets very difficult for children when adults cannot be civil to one another.
I vividly remember DSS being really pleased when I invited his DM in for a cuppa when she was dropping him off one Friday. He was about 11 and seemed to see this as something really positive. DH was not impressed but did recognise how much DSS appreciated that his mum was welcomed in. Since then we've had our own DD and his mum came to meet her and brought a gift. I think she and I both knew that these 2 children were siblings and needed life to be easy between the adults in their lives. She has always been invited in since and it definitely stopped DSS playing each house off the other.
DD is now nearly 8 and her big brother is an adult himself. They have a really good relationship which none of the parents and step-parents could damage now even if they wanted to. Had we not been friendly when DSS was younger and especially when DD was a baby, we could have screwed that up.

it sounds like you and the ex are both married to insecure arseholes. I don't get this idea of there needing to be boundaries between new partners and ex's. You're all human beings who have the interests of the same children at heart - surely?

i can understand that in the beginning relationships are fraught and take time to develop, and that there are issues, but equally I think that it's fair to say that one generally acts and feels much differently as a mum of much younger children than when they get older, so how you deal with something as the newly separated of a newborn and a three year old will be vastly different eleven years on.

And people change. Your dh has other children now and a different life and so does she, and it sounds as if life has dealt her a difficult hand. Things like that can change someone fundamentally as a person.

Also, while I can understand to a degree your h not wanting his ex in his home, he is being totally unreasonable when it comes to the children. Those children are his dc's siblings whether he likes it or not. What happens if one of the dc's wants their sibling to come round? how will he justify saying no? Simmilarly if the dc wanted to take their siblings to their mum's house e.g. if they were looking after them (which at eleven and fifteen isn't beyond the realms of possibility) is the stepdad going to say no?

Incidentally, why did they split? I'd be left wondering whether he was insecure that you might find out something he doesn't want you to know.....

I don't have any kind of communication with my xh's dp fwiw, my xh convinced her that I had taken against her so she felt compelled to text me to that effect. I prefer to block rather than engage, but it's all somewhat juvanile and unnecessary, but I have no inclination to get involved in a "he said, she said," conversation between them so disengaging has been my mantra. However she is expecting a baby iminently and that baby will be my ds' sibling, so of course it will be welcome in my house should the occasion arise, which it may never do, but it is ultimately a child and a relative of my ds so saying no would say more about me than anything. iyswim.

YANBU at all. I have every sympathy when parents and step-parents don't get on, but in this case, she sounds relatively normal - so why on earth would your DH create drama that isn't there and upset the children unnecessarily? he sounds very childish.

I am more annoyed as this woman has been quite horrible about me (before I'm asked not OW, no overlap, no reason for issues) - and im no stranger to nasty comments made in front of the SDs behind my back. They seem to have stopped for a while now, or the SDs are mature enough now to not mention it, but still I consciously try for the sake of SDs to be nice. I look at it like as long as i'm a nice person and respectful and give no reason for there to be an issue, her nastiness is her problem and I can rise above it.

I would have thought DH could see this and make the effort for the sake of his OWN dd. Instead hes happy for me to deal with her and rarely even speak to her. I've no doubt contact would start to break down if I left him to it, as neither of them are pleasant to each other, but she seems to be ok with me. I'm angry at the fact I've taken a mouthful from him for trying to do right by the girls, cant do right for doing wrong.

Sorry, but I think your DH really needs to grow up. It sounds like you and exW have done a great job getting past the difficulties, and now are in a position to bring up various sets of children and DH wants to continue to fight.
It really is not his place to draw anyone's boundaries but his own, and his friends were bang out of order with their comments. It all sounds very juvenile, and quite unpleasant.

Wannabe - the ex left DH for her current partner. She was pregnant when this happened - only just pregnant, and its only after a DNA test when DSD was born did it confirm DH was her dad as well, there was doubt as to who it was. I met DH a while after this test though we knew each other from childhood - we have been together nearly 12 years so SD was nearly 1.

DH would have left anyway and both of them have said their relationship was awful and they are better off apart. They both needed to mature (still a while to go) - and I don't think exs new DH helps. For example they have rmoved house and we are not allowed to know the address. Hence why he insists on them doing drop off and pick ups when we would be happy to. Its not worked as the SDs told us straight away where they live, but its clear EXs DH doesn't want us near the house. I don't get into it, as long as my kids, and SDs are ok I couldn't give a rats arse about the adults and their shit. But I try to make things as easy as I can for SDs in a situation full of BS.

By the way, by treating their mother in a civil and courteous manner, you are doing right for the children. It sounds like he is worried about things beyond his control, really.

if you can rise above it for the sake of the girls then he needs to grow up. What exactly is his problem?

It seems to be me as 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other - there seems to be a weird game of 'lets out twat each other' going on between the 3 of them - well more DH and EX DH. Normally DH is a lovely man, gets on with everyone, friendly, generous, pleasant - but they bring out the worst in each other and its starting to grate a bit on me.

I think you are setting a wonderful example for all the children concerned.

Your DH needs to remember that these children are all each others family and that forming solid and loving relationships now will make their lives a lot easier and happier as they get older.

Would he rather things were petty and hostile?

You sound lovely. :)

Going against the grain a bit here...

Is it just going to be the party, or is he going to be invited on days out, for sleepovers, are you going to buy him Christmas presents, take him out trick or treating, etc etc... Maybe your DH is a bit worried that this will be a regular occurrence now? There still does need to be boundaries or you might end up becoming a babysitter. There shouldn't be an automatic expectation on you as a family to include him in the fun things you decide to do as a family to prevent him from missing out. His siblings have a different family set up to him in that they have 2 homes, and they will sometimes do things he won't get to do. The party you held could have quite reasonably been one of those times.

but it was a birthday party. Lots of children are invited, and actually, parties are IMO the one occasion where siblings would ordinarily be invited, no? Certainly when these children are adults it would be reasonable to expect to invite all siblings to their birthday party if they had one, or other such occasions, so why is it that this should be different because they're children and the adults can't get past their own issues.

Mascara I totally get what you are saying and it isn't like that. He was in the car during drop off, and could see the balloons, hear the music and kids going in, and the bouncy castle and couldn't understand why he couldn't go to. (again he has special needs so doesn't understand about invites and the fact this is a blended family) - he looked so sad and was really upset and I thought what would be the problem with him coming in. I couldn't think of a reason, ex came in to as hes disabled and has needs that need managing and I wouldn't know where to start. He was there half hour before he got tired, I gave him a party bag and off he went quite happy. It wouldn't be a regular thing. As for birthday and xmas presents, I don't go out of my way to buy them, and DH certainly wouldn't, but for things like mothers day, or exs birthday, xmas ill let them to certain little chores to 'earn' money to buy her a present. As DH would fit if I had just bought one and certainly wouldn't entertain this, but when I say they earnt the money its theirs to do with as they please, he cant argue. Obviously this money comes from me, not him but still it makes them happy. Its not reciprocated on the other side but that's not the point, I do it to make SDs happy and for no other reason. Plus only if they ask if they can get her something, and its telling they wouldn't ask their father, mainly me.

Yes, I agree with WannaBe there; DDs step sister and half-sister (complicated family) have always been invited anyway - but even so, it was to have a shot on a bouncy castle, not to set up a regular play date (and even then, if you are the main carer, why not?). Would he police the presence of any other child?