To wonder im right to be pissed off

[Olivia1971]

Hi

So have been with DH 11 years, have 2 SDs 15 and 11. The relationship with their mother has been at times horrendous, and after a period of difficulty and about 15k in court fees access is going great, and has been for the past 4 years. I Have 2 DDs, one 2 and one 11 months - and at pick up yesterday I was talking to SDs mother. I refuse to get involved with the disagreements between DH and her, and make a point to be very respectful of boundaries, as in will run things past her like haircuts, eyebrow threading etc. She never makes an issue but I am careful to be respectful.

I don't like the woman personally, but she will always be around so I am courteous and friendly when she drops off/picks up as I don't see the point of being a nob for the sake of it. I am also not silly enough to believe everything the SDs say when they come and claim that they have no clothes, never bought anything, etc as its blatantly a bit of teenage manipulation to try it on with their dad. Plus she is always friendly and courteous to me, so I don't see the problem.

Is it weird to think that perhaps in another life, without me being involved with DH we might have even been friends? A lot has gone on that means I'll probably always have a mild dislike of her, but that doesn't mean I don't respect her. She has a disabled child with her new husband, and I can see with all of her sons conditions life must be very difficult at time, and I think she does a great job of coping. I also think that she is a good parent for the majority and that the dispute years ago was caused by members of DH stirring shit for their own entertainment. I am never negative about her to the girls, if anything I am quite positive when they bring her up as I think it is important for the girls to know their is no issue and we can get on.

Anyway, at pick up yesterday I had my youngest in my arms, and she was cooing over her and asked if she could hold her. I said yes as I didn't see an issue with it. DH has since made a big thing of allowing her to do it, and his friends have been like 'ooh are we BFFs now' and 'when she coming in for a cup of tea'. He wasn't happy with us talking and me allowing her to hold DD.

I thought he was being a twat and told him so. He also wasn't happy with me inviting the other one of her children in for a birthday party we were having for our DD a couple of months ago. It was a giant bouncy castle and her son obviously felt left out and I felt bad for him. It was half an hour and a party bag and there was a herd of other kids there anyway. I didn't see the issue and it made the son feel better.

DH has accused me of being inappropriate and disrespecting him. He has said this is his home, he doesn't want her or her kids in it and I need to remember who I'm married to. But to be fair, as much as shes ok, and seemed to appreciate the gesture, all the kids were told to not tell the Step Dad about her son coming in as he wouldn't like it.

I'm a bit like all of you grow the fuck up, im only trying to make things easier for the kids involved. So AIBU?

X post, sorry!

Exactly Wannabe.

In fact I think the party was the perfect situation to include the little boy. It was hardly an intimate family Christmas.

With so many children there it could have possibly lead to questions as to why their brother was the only one being left out. How do you answer that?

Thank you mistressmerryweather.

I would have had no issue with inviting him at all, if anything it made the SDs day and I don't think he gets invited to a lot of parties. But it didn't come up before the day and to be honest if I had I didn't think he would have been allowed to come anyway. But when he was in the car, sobbing his little heart out as he felt left out I felt awful. I would never let a child feel that way if it was in my gift to stop it. To be honest I didn't think anything of it, its a party, hes a kid and it was half hour, big deal. It seems to have been made into a big deal by DH ex DH and ex.

I need to remember who I am married to

My one and only ever husband put that malarky on me... two weeks after marriage he started telling me what I could and couldn't do

Sounds controlling.

Good for you for doing your best to keep the peace all around. Step families can be a mine-field.

You keep going as you are OP you really can't go wrong with that attitude. It is always better to be polite and respectful and peaceful with people. You are setting a fantastic example to all these children of how to conduct oneself in the world.

Your DH will actually be grateful when all of you are able to happily attend future events such as graduations, school plays, weddings, because it will be SO decent for all the DCs. So I think you need to talk this through with him a bit more and see if you can make him understand. Perhaps he is worried you and his ex will become real friends and he will have to have her in his life more than he wants to.

All I'm saying is that you wouldn't have been unreasonable to have not invited him in either. i get that it's a party, but I can also see your DH's pov as well. He might not want to offer once and then be expected to offer again and again to entertain his ex's child.

Appreciate your point Mascara - I just felt bad for him outside crying. I wouldn't let the ex take advantage and in her defence she wouldn't be able to. Her son has certain conditions and he needs a lot of care. I wouldn't be able to manage him without her there, and she wouldn't leave him anyway. That being said if there was a situation like a party I would be ok with it, as it must be the worst feeling to know everyone else is having fun without you - DH would like to just pretend the ex doesn't exist and its just not possible.

There is no danger of us being real friends, to be fair its kind of like a work colleague relationship - get on at work, but no need to be over friendly outside of work. I get on with her with a particular purpose in mind, the SDs. When they reach adulthood I will rarely see her, but it would be nice when we have too for things to not be awkward.

I think hes going to be faced with a choice, shut up and grow up, or deal with her himself and I'll step back - then he can deal with the fall out when it gets nasty because they cant be mature. But the SDs will then suffer and that's not fair to them. I wonder who the children are sometimes.

Keep doing what you're doing OP

You and the ex wife are behaving like adults and putting the needs of all the children first. I can't believe an adult could be cross that a child with complex special needs came to a party for half an hour and got a party bag rather than sit outside crying feeling excluded.