Aaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

[KaySamuels]

Have had another weekend from hell and my two dss (8 and 10) didn't even stay over. (Was arranged they were only coming for aft and meal).

To give a bit of history BM has a terrible attiitude - in all areas not just parenting, and this is replicating in her eldest son who this weekend only agreed to come over for a few hours when his dad told him he was going swimming.

He had told his mum he didn't want to come as he was sick of coming over and being bored sat there not doing anything!!

They usually stay one night a week say from sat aft to sun aft, and every weekend we take them somewhere we can't afford, for example bowling, swimming, etc. This causes a lot of resentment as we have little money and I feel this brews resentment for the future with our ds (2) who lives a smartprice existence mon-fri but partakes in a disneyland existence only when his big brothers are present.

They have plenty of toys here, there own bedroom, we have an outdoor building which is a games room with pool, darts, etc so him telling his mum he is bored really grates on me when we make such an effort. Plus I childmind so our home is completely geared around kids.

He has done this in the past and we have left him to it for a little while, and he only started coming back when he missed out on a big family trip out. We had all agreed he wasn't to come as he had shown no desire to visit his dad and spend time with him so we didn't book him a place. After that DP took only the eldest to the pictures (must be DPs 3rd visit to pictures in 5 years as it costs too much for us all to go) 'to make it up to him' and he started to come on a weekend again. He has been coming in the past few months (in my view to get aome birthday presents and go on our family holiday with us).Now it has all started up again!

I was so cross yesterday that I told DP I couldn't go swimming and would rather do the food shop with ds as I would not be able to contain my frustration and resentment. This was upsetting as my DS and I both love swimming but I just couldn't face it.

Feel like me and DS are third place to eldest ss and BM mothers commands (who are both extremely materialistic and have a money money money attitude.

Youngest step son is an angel who is second place at home , he is easy going asks for nothing, is affectionate, loves being here and would happily live here if allowed, even if we spent zip on him BTW.

Just needed to vent as i am so frustrated and don't know what to do about it.

Hmm sounds like your dh needs to stop pandering to his needs, I know its hard for him, (I have an ss too) but we ensure all the kids are aware of our money situation, and if we have any we'll spend it on nice things, and if we don't we don't and that's it. So its eat the food we have, or starve, play with the things you have, or be bored. Its about singing off the same hymn sheet......your dh can only try to do his best, let his son know he loves him, very much, but that love isn't always in the form of gifts.

No offence, but it sounds as though you are allowing your understandable dislike of their mother to colour your view of the eldest child. Children of divorced parents are often unhappy/angry/attention-seeking for various reasons, and all children can be sullen, uncooperative and appear selfish/materialistic, especially as they approach their teenage years. That's not because they are horrible people, it's because their brains aren't fully mature yet. If my children had a stepmother I would be very upset to think that she disliked one of them si intensely she couldn't face a family day out with him.

Why do you refer to their mother as "BM"? Does that mean "birth mother"? Sorry, but that would offend me too if they were my children. She's not their "birth mother" - they haven't been adopted - she's their mother, and of course they will have inherited some of her traits. You are with their father, and they are part of the deal - I think as the adult, the onus is on you to swallow your anger and resentment as much as you can, however difficult it is. I do sympathise about the drain on your finances of having to entertain two children - but that is a common feature of divorced families too. Of course your dp wants to make his time with them special, and they expect it. They won't be children forever - I can see how it is stressful and difficult for you, but I think you might be allowing your feelings about that to affect your view of the older boy. He's only a child.

Sometimes you post on mumsnet and you don't get the replies you want so I apologise in advance. I am a step mother too so I do know how you are feeling.

So forgive me but you sound a little wound up over nothing tbh. He has older kids. That is just a fact and they are part of your family whether you like it or not. And it is important that you dh brings them out to do things like going to the cinema or swimming because they are kids and kids get bored and frankly swimming or movies are not exactly Disneyland, I find it hard to believe that your dh is jeoprodising the family finances by bring the kids out occasionally(and if he is going into debt to do it, it is a bloody good reason imo).

I know it is tough to feel like you come second(and I wouldn't lump your ds in with that feeling as he is only a baby) but the truth is you do insofar as you have to be the adult in the situation and let go of the resentment. I'd imagine that they probably had a far nicer time together swimming without you being cross.

I'm sure your dss is picking up on your resentment, please try to let go of it and just do your own thing and allow him to have his own special time with his dad. I am sure he will appreciate it in the long run.

the only reason i used bm is to show she is their mother and i am their step mother.

I do not dislike my eldest ss he is bright and funny, but his father is spoiling him and putting his needs before his other two sons.

Me and my dps ex communicate well, better than DP and her do as I have always made an effort with her and her children and she acknowledges this fact.

I'm sorry but I do not think it is an option to get into debt pandering to a child - and i don't want my son thinking this.

Thank you wefriz you seem to be the only one looing at this logically.

I realise he will pick up his mothers traits, it is his fathers pandering to this that i am annoyed with.

No, I think we were all looking at it logically, it's just that we didn't agree with you.

You need to put in your OP "Only people who are going to reinforce what I already think need post. No alternative opinions please".

Hi santagotstuck - its not that i dislike him - quite the contrary, thats why I didn't go as i didn't want him picking up on my DP and my bad feelings, and left them to go with just their dad. Thought this would be for the best.

I spend a lot of time with both of my ss and they often sleep here even if their dad is working the night.

Great post, Santa. I've often thought the same about the way step-mums on here use BM as shorthand.

Kay, I can see why you are frustrated. Older children do go through phases of being very annoying anyway, let alone when they are dealing with the fall-out of divorce (even if it was a long time ago it still affects you, particularly every time you see your dad in a separate house with a new partner). It's hard to imagine your gorgeous 2yo ever being a stroppy 10yo but it happens to them all!

I bet he's worried about whether his dad loves him as much as his new family (esp your ds) and is pushing dp to show this by taking him on trips or still demonstrating love even if he's horrid - most children do the being nasty to our parents to see if they will still love us at times even if there's no divorce to cope with.

Think it's normal for one step-child to be the 'nice' (compliant and well-behaved) one and one to be difficult, too. I was the 'nice' one but still worried inside about whether my dad loved me as much as he used to, even though I adored my little half-sister. Didn't want to take an atom of affection away from her, just needed reassurance dad hadn't forgotten me.

I think you need to talk to dp about the money issue and see if you can get some balance - not make it a trip out every week but do some fun stuff all together. Just go to the park or set up a messy painting activity at home or something. Get some plastic sheets down in the garden and have a painting with mud session. Have something planned that involves everyone just being downright silly. Then if he wants to make a point and not join in he's the one losing out. Bet if you don't make an issue of it but just get on with enjoying yourselves he'll saunter over eventually. And you'll actually have some fun with him and get the chance to see his good side. Which may make the episodes of pre-teen stroppiness easier to bear.

HTH

Why do you think his father is pandering to him by treating him? Why shouldn't he? As I said before bowling, swimming ect are not exactly extravagant. Are you going without food and heat to finance these trips?
And imo you are not thinking logically at all, you are reacting emotionally. And I know this because I have been there and felt the same as you do and I am only trying to give you the benefit of that experience.

But if you wanted me to say poor you, what a horrible child, I'm not going to, sorry.

Fair enough. I can see why it is difficult and frustrating for you. FWIW I think I would make a terrible step-parent. I just think that this is a problem that is not going to go away, so you need to find some way of dealing with your ressentments other than lobbying your dp to commit less money/time etc to his children. What you see as "pandering", I see as trying to make his limited time with his children special and enjoyable for them. I don't think he should stop doing that, and I don't think your little boy is old enough to resent it.

I dont want him to spend less time with his kids - if it was up to me they would come midweek too, but my DP is too lazy and admits this.

I also know we will be spending money on them - but why not let middle child choose activity once in a while.

I am not expecting you all to have the same opinion as me, thats why I am on here. Just wondered what other people thought/would do.

Am upset tho that some of you immediately had a negative opinion of me before asking anything and then deciding.?

I just found your opening post very angry, one-sided and yes, rather negative. I automatically sympathised with the child because you seemed to be painting a very negative picture of him, and you sounded more resentful about the money being spent than anything else. You didn't say anything about letting the middle child choose the activity, you said the older child was materialistic, like his "birth mother".

Although of course you have the right to vent your frustrations, and this is the right place to do it, I do feel it was rather rude of you to say that only the poster who had immediately agreed with you had considered the problem logically.

I'll leave this thread now because I can't help. But I think you're being inflexible and if your attitude doesn't change, you'll carry on feeling resentful and unhappy. If your dp is a father worth his salt, he'll carry on wanting to make his time with his children special and memorable for them.

I will add a little more background, DPs ex asked him to leave when eldest was one and was still pregnant with youngest. It was an amicable break up, as much as one can be anyway.

I am a step child too and that is why we make an effort to not argue when they are visiting (which we never have), we have been together 5yrs and this is the first time we have had a big arguement kids here or not.

I feel sad for my partner too about this as he doesn't know what to do for best for his son. We have tried the low budget family activities ie beach, woods, family bbqs and parties,bikes at country park terrain. If it doesn't invlove dad getting his wallet out he is not interested.

Going into debt so children (be they step or your own) can go on fancy days out all the time is the most ridiculous comment i've heard in a long time!!!!!

Much more valuable than buying a fancy car or a posh holiday which is what most people go into debt for. And I wasn't implying that he get into debt just that I think it is unlikely that a trip to the local swimming pool was going to tip them over into bankruptsy.

I think the point Kay is trying to make is that your kids should want to come and see you no matter what your doing and it shouldn't have to cost any extra money to what you would be spending if they were permanently with you or not.

how difficult for your dp, being torn between pleasing you and pleasing his eldest son.

as a step child myself with an extremely uncomfortable relationship with my step mother, i can't empathise with your situation at all, i'm extremely biased and am just so glad i am not a step mother myself.

i remember when i was little saying to my dad i wanted to see my friends on a saturday instead of seeing him. he was heartbroken, i just wanted to do what all my friends were doing.

Great post Anniemac !

Thanks anniemac thats great, left it a little while to come back on after yesterday! may write your points down to show my DP, I agree I shouldn't take it personally. We both enjoy taking the kids out, but can't afford it every week.

We simply can't afford these trips on a weekly basis - getting my food shop done each week can be touch and go and mine and my sons clothes are usually from charity shop or primark.

Think it is a great idea for DP to ring every few days to touch in.

Wefriz - you are right, its not that we are spending or not its that he will only come if we are which is hurtful. I know he is 10 but like anniemac says he is holding all the cards and everyone should have a few IMO.

Thanks for letting me know it is possible to get through and offering practical advice!

Thanks

fab post anniemac, well said

I had a similar problem with my dss. It's actually more his mum. His mum put a lot of pressure on my dh to take him out to places such as theme parks and museums every time we had him (alt weekends). It was costing us quite a bit of money and it annoyed me that she never took him to expensive places, just expected us to do it! What she failed to realise was dss was just happy playing with his dad in the house or down the local park than going to expensive theme parks. In the end we just did what ever dss wanted and if his mum didn't like it then tough - all that mattered to us was that dss had fun.
I think some of you ladies have been a little harsh to Kay over the money aspect - may be it is only a few quid to go swimming but it still adds up! What about other places as well? Though I would suggest looking out for special offers and discounts. If you look around on the net you can often find 241 for places such as Eureka! and Flamingoland.
It can be hard dealing with stepkids - you want them to be comfortable in your home and with your family but sometimes it's really hard. My dss is 5 and we still have problems with him throwing tantrums when he can't get his own way and he'll start screaming for his mum. It is very hurtful towards dh. Happily he's not too bad now and generally loves spending time with me & dh. I know everyone will say you have to put the kids first they didn't ask to be put in that situation - and as someone whose parents went through a very messy break up I agree. But kids are not stupid and frankly can be manipulative little creatures - I put my dad through hell as I blamed him for walking out.
The fact that the younger dss is fine maybe a key - with the elder dss he may feel that he is the man of the house at home (I'm assuming mum's single?) and so maybe being deliberately difficult with his dad out of loyalty to his mum.

Yes cat.. oldest is kind of 'the man of the house' at home - I have pointed this out to my partner before, they all have what he wants for tea, what he wants on telly etc which probably makes it hard for him in our house where everyone gets a say, we take turns, say please and thank you, do not talk to each other like dirt. Basically totally the opposite to what he is used to.
Also yes their mum does not take them anywhere (even park, museums etc) which is also annoying that the pressure is on us to do it all.
I do understand tho that she probably can't afford to (but they manage to all dress in chavvy expensive trainers and trackies 24/7 and she can also afford a night out every weekend - which good for her but I would rather spend my last pound on my ds and 2dss than alcopops and lager).
My parents also had a bad break up when I was young so I totally see what you mean about that aspect of it. I think all kids in this situ feel resentful towards both parents at one point or another.

I have been following anniemacs advice of staying detatched and try to keep smiling (although this is very hard when your dp is in tears on xmas eve after an abusive call from his ex). I have to jus keep plugging on with it all really, I think in our situation it is always going to be hard, just have to try and make the best of it.