Step Daughter what's the hange her surname

[Jadebarnes1989]

our 7 year old step daughter has decided that she wants to change her surname from her Dads and add her step dads surname on the end.
This is obviously a very difficult thing to comprehend for my husband. She has got half sisters at her mums who will all have the same surname as her mum and step dad and the same at our house she has a brother and another one on the way with our surname.
I would never consider letting my sons change there surnames if we were to ever split, he is there dad, just like I would of never considered changing my surname from my fathers even though I have a very close relationship to my step dad.
This is just another thing that brings us crashing down to earth and to be reminded of how difficult it is to be a split family. We both find it very difficult and in a perfect world we would love to have her here all the time.
Our first reaction is to refuse however this isn't the type of relationship we both want to have between all of us parents and with our daughter. I just wanted to see what other people's views or expierence are on this, I find it very helpful to hear other people's sides and consider things that I hadn't before.
Thank you very much

I change back because my married name reminded me of a person I should never have become. I needed to reclaim my identity.

I will be remarrying soon. I won't be changing my name.

"I change back because my married name reminded me of a person I should never have become. I needed to reclaim my identity." and in the process your dd felt she needed to lose her identity in order to fit with yours?

IMO the problem with adults changing their names is that the children who have no say in the matter suddenly find themselves in a situation where the name they were given at birth, that surname which has been theirs for ever suddenly does not link them to anyone any more.

I have this to an extent. I, my xh and my ds obviously have the same name. Now xh is engaged and when he gets married both he and his gf will apparently be changing their names so they are double-barrelled, so each taking each other's name, and their baby will have the same double-barrelled surname as they do. If I take my dp's surname when we get married that will mean that DS won't have the same name as any of us. DS doesn't want to have a different name to me. We talked about the potential to change mine, ds' and dp's name to my maiden name, But while ds wasn't entirely dismissive of the idea, he doesn't want to change his name, it's his name, he's never known any different and that's what he wants to stay. So I will in fact keep my xh's name, it's only a name after all, that way ds doesn't need to feel pushed into anything.

Perhaps when he is older I might change it, but that's a decision for then.

Children as young as six/seven should never be put in a position where they feel they want to change their names just so that they fit somewhere.

I also think she's too young to be allowed to make this decision for herself. I think if her name by from birth is Anna Smith and her stepdad is called Jones, she should be allowed to be known as Anna Smith Jones but not be allowed to change it by deed poll until she's over 18.

Having children with different surnames is a very common thing it happens in thousands of families, I don't think people are particularly bothered by it or struggle to get their heads around it these days.

If her father did not play an active role in supporting her and spending time with her then it might be different, but he does. I wouldn't blame him for wanting to refuse to this request, or at least refuse to legalise it.

This thread isn't about me. I was just offering another perspective. But since it's obvious wannaBe thinks I have no regard for my daughter's sense of self, I feel the need to defend myself.

Please don't judge me and my decisions based on the small amount of information I have given here. You don't know my circumstances, the history of my marriage or the reasons behind my changing my name back to my birth name when I divorced. I didn't feel that my DD had to "lose her identity in order to fit in" with mine. What a ridiculous thing to say. What, from the words I actually wrote, gave the impression I forced her or even asked her if she wanted to in the first place?

My DD didn't feel she had to 'fit in'. Her birth name was and is still her father's name, who she sees every week. He's unlikely to ever change his name and I will never be changing mine again, so she has a permanent link to both names. She wanted the same name as her mother. Why is that a bad thing or difficult to understand? It wasn't a decision taken lightly, but it was made, which I happen to think is better than ignoring the child's wishes or hoping they'll forget about it.

As I already said, legally her name is still her birth name. When she's older she can choose to make her known-as name permanent or to switch back to her birth name. It's entirely up to her.

Just say no.

And after posting that, I realise I have slightly misread wannaBe's post. Apologies.

I don't think my DD felt she needed to lose her identity. I can't get inside her head and explain it all from her perspective. But she was and still is adamant that she wanted to have the same name as me. Maybe that IS her identity.

bell I can understand why you did what you did, but I also understand wannabes POV.

Your advice to the OP was that the adults feelings should be secondary to the DDs in her particular case, and yet, in your own situation, your own feelings took priority, leaving your own DD facing a situation that could have been avoided, had you put your own feelings to one side.

Bell, you are not a bad mother. The poster who implied you were, is full of shit.

The OP had also had a hard time in being told she is over involved and this is a decision for the child's parents. It serms to me that these 4 people - the parents and step parents, have found a way to coparent this child in harmony and with consideration for everyone's feelings. That's actually rather lovely for all the people in this family. A step mum should not be criticised for that.

Someone upthread said the girls mum was crap for not shutting this down straight away. Again, that's a nasty thing to say and quite untrue. Good parents listen to their kids and consider how they feel. They don't shut something down without considering all potential outcomes.

Bell, by choosing not to tie up your identity with your unhappy marriage - by not subjugating yourself - I think that you were setting a really good example for your daughter.

I think the girl in the OP should be allowed, even if only informally for now. She isn't asking to change her name to something frivolous, she is asking to share her surname with her resident parent and siblings. She is old enough to resent her dad for not letting her, and she will still share a name with him anyway since she is only double barreling it.

I feel the same as Swing in that my Name is my Name. I kept it when we got married and passed it To my DDs but now they decide what To do with their Name. If it was a question of chosing either one of my parent's ñames I would have refused both and gone with something random.

Your DH needs To look passed that actual Name and realise that a 7 yr old who feels like a misfit needs something to change, if that is her Name then that is what she needs.

How about double barrelling the two and she then decides how to use it.

Your DH needs To look passed that actual Name and realise that a 7 yr old who feels like a misfit needs something to change, if that is her Name then that is what she needs.

If a 7 year old feels like a misfit, then I very much doubt that can be fixed as simply as giving her a different label. Yes, something does need to change - but it's not her name.

I think the fact that there are so many views about this on this thread, and that names can be quite important and poignant, tied in with identity and belonging - for me these are all the reasons why a 7 year old child is too young to make this decision. The fact that she DSD so aware of the names and it has become an issue, OP, to me IS the issue here. She should be enjoying her childhood and having the parents manage this for her until later. When she's older and still wants to she can do what she wants - but she has a lot of growing, developing and making sense of her own identity and the world.

Bloody hell if a 7 year old feels like a miss-fit in their family then their name is the least of their problems and their parents should be ashamed of them self!

Mum and dad should sit down. Offer the solution of she still wants to change her name by say Christmas then Change it with the school first. Get them to call her X step dads name from January to July. She can see how it goes. She may find she doesn't want to change it. If she still does by the summer holidays. Then mum and dad need to sit down and discuss the change. So maybe she goes back to school in September as her new surname.

A change of surname won't make her any less your DH's daughter. At 7 it won't be a slight on your dh or you. She'll be trying to establish her sense of who she is.

Dd has asked to have my last name and not her dads. We're working the same principle. And she's younger than your DSD. But definitely a conversation for your dh, his ex and your dsd

In my situation, I felt that my name said a lot about me and who I was, which is why I took the decision to change it. What followed after was a consequence of that decision, which I dealt with in the best way I knew how. Thank you to the posters who can see that I actually did what I thought best for my daughter instead of assuming I am selfish. StormyBlue hit the nail on the head when she said I chose not to tie my identity up with an unhappy marriage (thank you!) and I think she's right that by taking back that part of me I taught my daughter good things. That it's ok to be your own person, that you don't have to sit with something that makes you unhappy just to keep other people happy - even sometimes if those people are your own children (although at no point did she say she didn't want me to change my name). Why shouldn't I have done something that made me stronger person and therefore a better mother?

In the OP's situation, none of the adults are changing their name as her mother has already taken on her new husband's name. There is no suggestion that this is a new thing. Which is why I think the adults need to step back and look at it from the child's perspective. Whatever the outcome, it doesn't directly impact any of the adults.

It's easy to look at this and say from an adult perspective that it's too big a decision for the child to make. But the OP's SD just wants to be the same as everyone else she lives with. Nothing has said about her not fitting in in any other ways. She just wants to be the same. Which is a natural and normal thing for children to do.

Someone upthread mentioned the potential guilt a child could feel in later life about choosing one parent's name over another's. What about the damage done to the child's sense of self when the are not allowed input into something as fundamental as their own name?

There is no one-size fits all solution to this. Obviously the majority of people on this thread think it shouldn't be an option for the OP's SD. But only the OP knows her own family and her SD and can actually know what's best in her situation. The rest of us are simply offering our perspective.

Haven't read the whole thread but I think you should let her use both surnames if she wants to.

I've always had two surnames because my parents weren't married and they gave me both surnames on my birth certificate. They separated when I was young and both remarried. My mum took my stepdad's name and at that point asked if I wanted to change my name too. I said yes because I was living with them and didn't want to be the only person in the family with a completely different name. I was a similar age to the OP's DSD and I think I was old enough for my wishes to be respected. So my surname went from Dadsname Mumsmaidenname to Dadsname Mumsmarriedname. I was also known as Emma Mumsname when I was with mum, and Emma Dadsname when I was with dad, which was a bit weird but often easier than using my full name, and also meant that I fitted in. From uni onwards I've always used my full name (both surnames) and I didn't want to give it up when I got married. As it is my mum and stepdad are now divorced (although mum has kept his name). So I swapped mum's married name for DH's name and now I'm Emma Dadsname DHsname. Complicated but it worked for me!

It's a shame really that we don't have the Spanish naming system. Every child has two surnames, one from each parent, and no-one changes their name when they married. Simples!

I cant see any reason why you should not let your SD take her new family name and add it onto hers. It is important to realise that whilst you are a family unit to which she is included, she is also a member of another family unit and wants to be more strongly identified there.

What is the harm in that? It isn't about you and your DH, and it isn't a popularity contest between family units. It is a good thing that she is obviously happy in her mum and steps dads family. Why not go along with it to keep her happy?

huffle schools are not allowed to do that. There is very clear guidance to schools from the DfE that states that they MUST use the child's legal name.

A lot of schools blur the boundaries, and may not even be fully aware of the guidance, but increasingly, action is being taken against them - a school local to me was subject to court action for taking a parents word for their child's name change.

And the suggestion that this child needs to "try out" a name for a few months before legally adopting it only goes to reinforce the fact that she's not emotionally mature enough to understand the long term ramifications of a name change.

Six year olds want a lot of things; it is the job of the adults in their life to make the decisions that have implications they cannot understand. If the parents don't agree - let a court decide.

Why shouldn't they be given an opportunity to try the name? It doesn't mean that they aren't mature enough to be dealing with the situation.
I'd rather my daughter tried it out first rather than making the long term decision and regretting it. And considering that in our case dd has been asking since she understood the concept of last names why should I not at least listen to her and take her opinion into account. Or are young children not allowed to an opinion and do I have to dictate what my opinion is to my child when I know that will make her unhappy. Can I ask if you would still be saying children of this age are too young to make a decision as to whether they are boy or girl, where again a name change comes into effect?!?
As for the school thing. Not to the point where her details are changed on systems or anywhere. But a conscious 'this child isn't happy with her last name' she would like to be called X when going around school but for forms she will still go by her legal name. Appreciate it would open up a can of worms where all children would want to change their name.

OP I would definately say that this child is too young. She would not be able to change her name legally without an adult - which should tell you everything in itself. It is an adult decision.

There is no way that changing her name should be a big deal for her security and happiness, and if it is, then there is another problem that name changing will not solve.

Her name was chosen by both her mother and father, her own parents. It is a long term decision and not to be changed lightly. That is a good thing for her to learn, so that if she still wants to do this when she is older she will do so with a full appreciation of what it means to her.

banana. I'm inclined to agree with you about the gravity of the decision to change a name - but, I know of adults who change names more frequently than they change shoes!

I think it's one of those issues that polarises opinions - there some people who think a name is a temporary and changeable label, which can be tried out and discarded, and others who consider a name to have more permanency.

The issue is that somehow, this little girls happiness has been linked to the label she considers herself to have - and that suggests far greater problems.

"The issue is that somehow, this little girls happiness has been linked to the label she considers herself to have - and that suggests far greater problems."

Eh? She just wants to have the same surname as her mum and family, who she presumably lives with most of the time. That's totally understandable and normal.

Legally changing your name is something that shouldn't be taken lightly. But using a different name day-to-day is easy to do and not a big deal. She should use the name she wants and if she still feels the same when she is, say, 16 or whatever, they can change it legally.

emma Schools are subject to DfE guidance that prevents them using anything other than a child's legal name, not just on paperwork, but on registers and work etc, too.
Children are not permitted to use a different name "day-to-day" in the state education system.

If the OPs DSD is home educated, or possibly privately educated (depending on the policy of the school), then it may be possible for her to try out new names until she decides on one she wants to legally change to.

South oh ok, I didn't realise. Must have been different when I was at school. I feel so old.

My DSS has elder half siblings, by the time his sister was 13 she had gone through 3 different surnames to match her mother's when she remarried each time.

Her father is still very much on the scene and by the age of 15 had decided to revert back to her 'official' surname.

I do know of one family where the stepfather changed his name to the same surname as the mother so that all of them had the same surname. That way they all had the first's husbands surname. Which may sound odd, but actually I think that was the best solution.