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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step Daughter what's the hange her surname

56 replies

Jadebarnes1989 · 26/09/2015 09:31

our 7 year old step daughter has decided that she wants to change her surname from her Dads and add her step dads surname on the end.
This is obviously a very difficult thing to comprehend for my husband. She has got half sisters at her mums who will all have the same surname as her mum and step dad and the same at our house she has a brother and another one on the way with our surname.
I would never consider letting my sons change there surnames if we were to ever split, he is there dad, just like I would of never considered changing my surname from my fathers even though I have a very close relationship to my step dad.
This is just another thing that brings us crashing down to earth and to be reminded of how difficult it is to be a split family. We both find it very difficult and in a perfect world we would love to have her here all the time.
Our first reaction is to refuse however this isn't the type of relationship we both want to have between all of us parents and with our daughter. I just wanted to see what other people's views or expierence are on this, I find it very helpful to hear other people's sides and consider things that I hadn't before.
Thank you very much

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FellOutOfBedTwice · 26/09/2015 09:41

I think she just wants to be the same as her mum and siblings. I would let her, I think. I know it's hard for you but it's probably pretty hard for her being the odd one out at home.

Lightbulbon · 26/09/2015 09:44

If it's what she wants, rather than something she's being pushed I to by adults, then you should let her.

It's only a name. If it makes her father feel less like her father then that says more about him, frankly.

swingofthings · 26/09/2015 09:48

I think she is much too young to make that decision. I would discuss it with her and say that maybe it can be considered next year if she still feels very strongly about it.

I experienced the opposite. Parents divorced at 2, had my dad's surname until my mum decided when I was about 8 that I should take on her name. Her reason for it was that my parents were not married when I was born so I automatically took her surname, which changed when they married when I was 9 months old. She considered that it was the name I was born with and therefore my 'real' name.

What she didn't realise was that I didn't want her name. It wasn't about the surname itself, not whether it was my mum or my dad, but the fact that it was MY name and she wanted to change it. I wasn't the type of child to challenge such decision, so went for it, but when I turned 18, I reverted to my dad's surname. Thankfully, she never changed the name officially, so I had no problem getting my passport under my dad's name.

Funnily, I am now married and even though I have no issue with the principle of taking my husband's surname, I am struggling with getting used to it and most of the time still used my dad's surname.

BrandNewAndImproved · 26/09/2015 09:48

I think she may regret it when she's older and realises that it hurt her dad.

Is she being pushed into this?

Original poster

Jadebarnes1989 · 26/09/2015 12:51

Well your rather rude! I'm only asking for support and advice not nasty comments. You know nothing of the situation so don't suggest what kind of father he is!

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 26/09/2015 12:56

Original poster

Jadebarnes1989 · 26/09/2015 13:01

The other comments are brilliant thank you, I don't think she's is being pressured into either tbh, we would make sure that she knows whatever decision she makes nobody will be upset with her. Think we need to take some time and consider everything luckily we have a very good relationship with her mum and step dad. ??

OP posts:

OutsSelf · 26/09/2015 13:11

I think if you look at it from her point of view then you would see that this is nothing to go with her feelings for her dad and everything to do with feeling like she wants to fit in at home and feel as included in family life with her siblings.

I think since she is 7, whatever perceived slight against the dad this is pales in comparison to allowing her to feel included in her own home.

Georgethesecond · 26/09/2015 13:18

She's too young to even begin to make a decision like that. I would tell her that if she still feels the same when she is older than all the grown ups will talk about it then.

Wdigin2this · 26/09/2015 14:27

She is too young to be making such a big decision, but maybe for now, she could use the both names with a hyphen, but unofficially. Then if she's still using it when she's older you could discuss making it legal.

beaucoupdemojo · 26/09/2015 14:37

I can see why your dh would feel hurt but she is spending presumably at least half her time in a house where she feels different to everyone else. She isn't wanting to drop her dad's name - just add her mum's and siblings name to hers. If this helps her to feel she belongs equally to both households then I cannot see the harm.

I would say yes to using it informally and if she is still set on it in a year or so I would make it formal. I do get why it hurts your dh but her feelings have to come first.

swingofthings · 26/09/2015 14:49

BTW, that reminds me that at 11, I decided I wanted to be christened and begged my parents to let me. My mum was a bit taken aback, but instead of saying no, said that we would look into it at the end of the school year.

The reason I wanted it is because all my friends used to go to church group on Sunday afternoon and had a great time. The village priest was very flexible and let me join, even allowed me to participate in all the ceremonies. At that time, I really did feel no different to my friends and therefore Catholic so it made sense to go ahead and be christened.

As it happened, we moved at the end of that year, I made new friends, who didn't go to church, and funnily enough, I lost all interest in becoming a Catholic and being christened.

7 is definitely way too young to have valid reason for wanting to change their names. If the issue is having a different name than mum and siblings, then it can be made to be a positive things. When OH and kids travel together, we laugh as we have three different names and two different nationalities on our passport (kids have double nationality, but one travels with one passport, the other their British one). We make fun of it and the kids don't mind at all, on the opposite, we think it is funny to see official faces when we go through passport control.

Maybe83 · 26/09/2015 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilikemangoes123 · 26/09/2015 17:22

My DS has sometimes wanted to change his surname, and I've always said to him that when he's 18 he can do whatever he likes and that is OK by me.

I would say she's too young, and that while she might want to be the 'same' as others in her house, that this is something that will probably pass. I would be telling her that she can of course but not for several years. When she's older and she's thought more seriously then as parents, no matter how painful it might be (and I get that it could be painful), we should just support them even if they want to change their names.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 26/09/2015 20:41

Not only is she too young to make this decision, if she IS permitted to have the final say, it will probably leave her feeling incredibly vulnerable and insecure.

Young children need to feel safe and that includes the adults around them making the important decisions, not placing the responsibility on a young child.

The Centre for Separated Families has done a lot of work in this area if you want to read more.

DiscoDiva70 · 26/09/2015 21:00

Our first reaction is to refuse however this isn't the type of relationship we both want to have between all of us as parents and with our daughter

Think we need to take some time and consider everything

You sound too involved in what should be her parents decision

Ilikemangoes123 · 27/09/2015 00:01

south american I couldn't agree more. For me this would be the biggest issue here OP. A child of 7 in a separated family doesn't need the pressure of long term or adult decisions. She won't know that this power, if you like, will make her more vulnerable, but it will. Her mum should be reassuring her that she is just as loved/cared for as her half siblings, her Dad that he knows and respects that her step dad is an important figure in her life. That's her security.

Neverenuff · 27/09/2015 01:08

If she changes her name to feel like she fits in at mums will she not then feel the same at dads when she has changed it?

I think 7 is too young to make such a decision. I wouldn't discuss it again and the notion might pass. Otherwise maybe let her do it unofficially and see how it goes.

I think if my dps kids done this he would be so hurt and if their mum allowed it I think he would stop them from coming over. But I don't know that for sure.

SenecaFalls · 27/09/2015 01:25

She's too young to even begin to make a decision like that. I would tell her that if she still feels the same when she is older than all the grown ups will talk about it then.

I agree with this. I think there is a possibility that, if she is allowed to do it, when she gets older, it will become apparent to her how hurtful this would have been to her dad, and she will feel guilty. She needs to be protected now from possible future negative ramifications.

lunar1 · 27/09/2015 11:18

I'd say no if I was your dh. What if mum remarries and has more children with someone else? Does she change again. I was pressured into changing my name and always refused. When a name has been given it should remain the same until they are old enough to Chang it themselves.

The mum is pretty crap for not shutting this down right away.

TheyCallMeBell · 28/09/2015 12:50

I can give you a slightly different perspective on this. My DD wanted to change her name when I reverted to my birth name after splitting with her dad. She was about 6 at the time. I was reluctant to let her make the decision, for many of the reasons above. However, NOT letting her make the decision was also like I was ignoring how she felt. It was only her and I at home, and she still wanted to have my name. We spoke to her dad together and he really wasn't very happy about it, but again felt that he couldn't make her keep his name as it would only lead to her resenting him. So we found a half-way house, in that legally she has his name but she is known as my name.

He has since remarried and his new wife has his name, but DD still doesn't want it. She is quite keen to change her name legally, but he's still resisting. It's not helping them maintain a good relationship as she feels he's holding it over her. I don't think he is, but that's how she feels.

At the end of the day, it's a name. It only matters if you actually put importance on it. Your SD obviously has and as long as she realises it's not something that can be changed over and over again should she change her mind, really is there any harm in listening to what she wants?

Adult hurt and rejection really shouldn't come in to it.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 28/09/2015 13:19

bell did you discuss the reasons for your reverting to your birth name with your DD prior to doing so?

I just wonder if, in your DDs case, changing her name wouldn't have been a consideration if you hadn't decided to change yours?

TheyCallMeBell · 28/09/2015 13:28

I did yes. In as much of an age-appropriate manner as I could at the time. I guess there's no way of knowing if she would have wanted to change if I had stayed with my birth name when I married. But if she had, I still think I would have listened to her.

I should add, her changing wasn't done on a whim. We had several discussions over many months about it. Not once did she hesitate.

Stillnotadisneymum · 28/09/2015 14:05

Why did you change yours back, if you don't mind me asking?

I still have the same last name as my DD despite not only divorcing from her Dad, but I've remarried, too.
She has said she prefers that she and I have the same name and it didn't seem necessary for me to change mine.

3phase · 28/09/2015 14:08

I think she's far too young to make that decision.

What if her Mum and step-dad divorce?

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