School Food Tech and providing DSD's food - a trivial matter?

[zazas]

Strange dilemma here. My DSD now has GSCE Food Tech on the day after we have her during the week. She finds out what ingredients she requires on the Tuesday afternoon for the Thursday lesson. She is with us Wednesday night every week. So DH's ex has asked DSD to send us the list Tues night/Wed am so we can buy the ingredients for her. The problem being is that obviously the cooked food and dishes go back to DSD house on Thursday! They are designed to be meals for 4 and can involve quite a list of ingredients and costs (going on previous years food tech requirements). Do you think that this is reasonable - basically that we buy ex's family dinner every week?

I could understand if there is no other way for DSD to get her ingredients but ex works in town close to us and could quite easy pop out to buy the ingredients (she has flexible working hours) and drop into our work - which we could take home that night for DSD.

Or am I just being 'mean' - although having my cooking dishes and containers for the food head off to school and not to return is another story!

Thoughts?

Oh I know how it becomes 'huge issues', but you have to rise above it. I'll give you an example of it from the other side. DC's father has stopped any maintenance more than 7 years ago now. He works, but doesn't pay. I don't challenge him because when he is faced with having to give money, he becomes so abusive, it's not worth the feeling that I get seething inside. Worse, he doesn't even pay for their transport to his house every week-end, I do.

Today topped it all though! DS plays football with a team that his father helps coaching. Today, the game was in the town I live in, so I took him. DD texted him to ask if he was going to pick her up after the game, and he said no, that he didn't have room in the car.... so I had to give her the money to pay for the fare to go to his house...

I long ago learnt that it is best to rise above 'such matters' or all you end up doing is exhausting yourself with the anger, frustration and bitterness that eat you inside. I might be made of a fool, but at least I am at peace with myself and mentally free from his turmoil. That's priceless.

he sounds like a twat swing. Good for you being able to rise above it. I've risen above a lot of the big stuff thrown at me from DPs exw. Somehow witholding that pair of leggings (which actually I had bought in the 1st place, although that never came into it) made me feel a bit better. Yes, I felt better, all be it briefly, because she was pissed off, because she had pissed me off first. It's utterly childish and petty, but there Ya go, we're all human!

What gives me the strength to rise above it is my respect for my children. My parents were divorced when I was a few years old, and I know how seeing your parents (and step) fighting like kids affects you. My ex is twat, but one my children love deeply. I have to respect that and swallow my feelings for their happiness.

Would like to believe that one day they will understand why I acted the way I did, but not doing it for gratefulness, I just want them to become adults knowing I've done all I could to prepare them well to it.

It has become much easier to do so with time and I'll be totally truthful, my being happy myself is making it much easier to do so.

swingofthings - I know what you are saying and of course I rise above it - always. I also get that it goes towards my SDD education and all that. I guess when I look at it I am really pulled in so many directions at the moment - that something relatively small as this new 'demand' on me threatens to 'push me over the figurative edge'. My time is so allocated that even finding the time to fit in an extra supermarket shop on a Wednesday night fills me with dread...

It is not the money nor that we don't get to eat it - it is probably just the ex just assuming that I will sort it out, (when it is, as explained earlier easier for her to do and it all goes back to her) - and as you can guess it is not the first time...

Recently my DH was going to be away for work - not over a period of time when he normally has the kids and she then decided to also go away and made the assumption that it was OK for me on my own to look after all 5 DC. Actually not such a big deal in that I adore having my Skids around but it was the fact that she didn't ask me first if it was all OK - it was just expected of me by her. I have been mothering her children for over 11 years now and just once it would be nice for her to ask me directly if it was OK and perhaps acknowledge my contribution to their upbringing. I am not after a pat on the back or anything - just a mutual conversation about how lovely they are turning out and how we have both been involved in that would be great.

I am in the same situation as her with 2 children and an ex who has a partner and I always talk to her (and my ex) directly to ensure that things work for everyone. I never assume as I don't live in their shoes and know fully the pressures that they might be under...

Zazas I can see how tired/frustrated you are. Where is your husband in all of this? It seems you work FT too, so why are you constantly put upon for extra shopping/childcare? Although you say he is under a lot of pressure in work, I think he needs to step up to the plate and have a word with his Ex.

How many days per week are you "mothering" your DSC? Sorry if I missed a post that explains that. If it is less than 50:50 custody I very much doubt that even the most pleasant of Ex's will thank the step mum for playing such a fundamental part in the upbringing of their child. She probably feels that she is their Mother and that your husband is just doing what every parent should do. The fact that it is your doing all the running around is an issue you need to take up with your husband.

I agree. Mum's take on it is most likely that if your DH is deferring the parenting of his children to you, it's up to him to be 'grateful' and acknowledge your effort. As far as she's concerned, the kids are having contact with their father, if he's then leaving his wife to do the running around; that's his responsibility. And of course, she's right.

I'm in the same boat OP and up u have my sympathy. It's why so often on here you see step-parenting described as a thankless task. Coz it bloody well is ;-)

You not 'up u'!!!!

Madmum24 my DH is very involved but has a very full on job which means that I tend to do more of the domestic (shopping/cooking)/child related things. It makes sense that when we have the DSC that their needs are just part of the overall requirements from all the kids - they all feel and are treated the same and that has worked brilliantly for 11 years.

We have the DSC - every Wednesday night and every second weekend (Fri - Mon am or Sun pm depending on what they have on) and half of all the holidays plus extra days when their mum goes away - work or holidays which is relatively frequent. Plus whenever it makes sense to be at ours because they have something on that fits in - sport/school/friends etc. It is certainly never a problem having them with us - we have made our lives so that they always feel this is where they also belong. That is not to say that having a large family is easy nor straight forward at times but it is what it is.

My DH is very supportive of me and what I do and that means a lot. I get that the ex just sees it as my DH taking on his share of parental responsibilities but surely she understands how much a 'mother' does for a family and by default for her two children - physically and emotionally. My two DC have not had the same involvement from a stepmother in their father's life (either in consistency of person nor frequency of time with him) but the fantastic partner he has now I often chat to her about the kids and I let her know how grateful I am for her influence in their lives. Why wouldn't I have warm feelings to someone who 'cares' about my child - nor consider them when there are changes to requirements etc?

3phase - thank you!