School Food Tech and providing DSD's food - a trivial matter?

[zazas]

Strange dilemma here. My DSD now has GSCE Food Tech on the day after we have her during the week. She finds out what ingredients she requires on the Tuesday afternoon for the Thursday lesson. She is with us Wednesday night every week. So DH's ex has asked DSD to send us the list Tues night/Wed am so we can buy the ingredients for her. The problem being is that obviously the cooked food and dishes go back to DSD house on Thursday! They are designed to be meals for 4 and can involve quite a list of ingredients and costs (going on previous years food tech requirements). Do you think that this is reasonable - basically that we buy ex's family dinner every week?

I could understand if there is no other way for DSD to get her ingredients but ex works in town close to us and could quite easy pop out to buy the ingredients (she has flexible working hours) and drop into our work - which we could take home that night for DSD.

Or am I just being 'mean' - although having my cooking dishes and containers for the food head off to school and not to return is another story!

Thoughts?

Suck it up, situations like this are the result of choices you and your DH have made, and her mum. It has precisely nothing to do with DSD who just needs the ingredients. I'd buy disposable cookware from pound shop, take the few quid hit each week and get a warm glow from knowing you are make your DSD's life that bit easier.
And the timetable at school will most likely change again next year, in which case this may only be a problem of a year. Also, we didn't get to cook every week all year so I doubt she will either. It is often dessert, not a meal for a family of four. And anyway, you are a family of seven so it wouldn't feed you all anyway!

And the timetable at school will most likely change again next year, in which case this may only be a problem of a year.

That's a really good point too. It might actually change after Xmas no? My kids' timetables change each term.

Yes South I've spent considerable time money and effort baking with my stepkids only to find later that our perfectly nice cakes were chucked out by DP's ex. Heaven knows how that made her own children feel, to have their efforts rubbished ...

As for 'weeping' for children stuck between two households etc., where 'every penny is accounted for so the ex doesn't benefit' this attitude can of course work both ways. We weren't allowed, for example, to 'benefit' from the use of any clothing my DP's ex bought for the children (regardless of the generous maintenance he paid) so would be forced to buy stuff which might only ever be worn a handful of times. The children were, literally, sent to us for years in deliberately ill fitting/outgrown/unsuitable for time of year/ridiculous (fancy dress) outfits so we couldn't 'benefit' and this approach extended to them not being sent in coats in winter and so on. Now that's petty - and spiteful - and unnecessary.

In any case, the OP here is providing the required ingredients as she recognises her SD is stuck in the middle. However, this situation would be far from 'petty' for some households who genuinely need to account for every penny ... NOT so they can get one over on the ex but because they have no money to spare. Having to find an extra £30 a month potentially for food tech (there have been countless MN threads about how expensive the demands for some food tech classes can be) even though another household was eating the meal produced could quite literally cause an element of hardship and mean the non-res household going without in some way to fund this - not 'petty' at all if you're struggling financially.

oddity what choices has the OP made that has led to this? You're not suggesting that this is one of those things the the OP "knew what she was getting into" when she got together with a man with DCs, surely?

I unsuccessfully tried to persuade my DD to take Food Tech at GCSE - but I'd have been mortified if I'd been eating at my ex's expense once a fortnight; particularly as I know if would be DDs step mum that would be making sure she had the ingredients. Like the OP says, I would put other arrangements in place to make sure that everyone was happy with the arrangements.

Wether it's petty depends on how tight everyone's budget is! If you can afford it, I would just let it go. However, if she lost my pots, pans, tupperware and chaffing dishes that would be another matter; it would be WWIII!

Thinking about it, perhaps she can bring the containers with her from her mum's house when she comes to your place. That way the containers would ultimately be heading back to the house they belong in.

(I'd be a lot more fussed about the containers than the food itself. Obviously a kink in my mental process!)

Argh, that must be super annoying and would have irritated the hell out of me when I was in a similar position years ago.

BUT, and you've reached this conclusion anyway, that whilst you are in the right and ex should provide, for DSD's sake, it is best to go along with it and buy the ingredients. Definitely get disposable pots plus send ingredients in little plastic bags where possible.

And keep reminding yourself that this is a temporary situation and it will pass!

TheOddity - it is GCSE level - timetable stays exactly the same for 2 years and trust me they are meals for four and usually a main, sometimes dessert as well as the food tech teaching bock is 3 lessons together - so plenty of time to cook something significant!

DSD certainly not 'stuck' in any way - would never in million years make her feel bad about thing like this - that is why I am on mumsnet expressing myself rather than in real life :)

SouthAmericanCuisine - you understand :)

Yeah, it is a pain in the arse I agree! You are definitely justified a moan on here but in real life you will be the bigger woman for just doing it, and honestly if your DSD has even commented on the injustice of it then she is obviously feeling a bit bad about it already, which is her mum's fault. I wouldn't stoke the fire if you can afford it. I definitely would ask mum to bring her cooking containers if she pops into your work each week anyway, that isn't asking too much at all. Her mum does probably fund lots of things that you don't know about too, there is give and take surely?

catsmother you are right it absolutely does/can work both ways, both the RP and NRP can (and it seems from threads here do) make the child feel that X isn't their responsibility and the other parent should foot the bill. If you are a child and getting that from both parents (and it doesn't have to be direct, children often pick up on things) it very much feels like you are stuck in the middle.

OP's main gripe was "feeding Ex's family", not the containers (which would annoy me too, but then again I never send in home stuff for Food Tech as they are usually too heavy/breakable) which has nothing to do with the DSC; it is up to the OP's DP to discuss/arrange ingredients/purchase with his Ex. He is the one you should be taking this up with OP.

As a PP said, buy foil containers and suck up the lost dinner in the knowledge that you have made things a bit easier for DSC.

TheOddity - way too far down the road to worry about who paid what - yes it is all give and take! I just get slightly principled about things (petty?!) and after a 'moan' usually get on with it. Wish me luck in getting the containers back - ex is not ever malicious about things - just super unorganised and forgetful! Sigh.

Chewbecca - yes that is my mantra - everything passes :)

We had to work out something with my DS when he did GCSE foodtech. His cooking day changed every so often.

Sometimes I gave him the ingredients and sometimes my ex did. Sometimes I could be expensive, esp when he was doing tiramisu and I had to buy the alcohol.

It did not bother me that my ex sometimes ate the food, it did bother me though when he came home with empty containers because he had fed it all to his mates!

It does seem petty but if it bothers you it can fester. I would suggest seeing how it goes for the first few weeks and maybe suggest to her mother that you each do a half term and when it is her half term she drops the food off with you. That might make it easier.

OP I can understand it is annoying. But it's too much of a risk to look petty - and stir up ill feeling - be the bigger person and just do it. Joke about having to eat fish fingers on that day... ?!

P.s. I think it might be good for DSD to remember to bring containers back though - she should be learning to respect your stuff especially as you are making her life easier by buying ingredients.

I could understand if there is no other way for DSD to get her ingredients
Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!!! [SHOCK]

It's pretty straightforward - mum gives dsd money for ingredients and then it's up to DSD to make sure she goes and buys the ingredients from the supermarket (plenty of time between Tues and Thursday).....unless you've all got her mollycoddled so much that the very thought of a 15/16 year taking on that responsibility is just too much to bear?

the money for the ingredients comes from the parent she lives with and takes the food home to. Either that or swap the day she comes over to you if her mother wants to make a fuss......or insist that dsd brings the food back to yours and you can all taste/praise her cooking skills.

^I think OP said that they live rurally so DSD going shopping alone was not a viable option.

DontMindMe1 - when I say we live in the country, I mean in the country! The kids catch buses straight home after school - there is no option for a later public bus and if DSD was at her mum's house or at ours there are no shops within walking distance at all. We have to drive them everywhere - they can't even bike as the roads are too dangerous in fact they can't even walk anywhere - no footpaths even!

Yes DSD could pay to catch the bus through to town and buy the ingredients and then wait around for an hour and a half for a lift home with us but that makes no sense. I'm with you - re giving her responsibility (she's 14) but it is just does not make logistical sense for her.

We sure didn't think this through when we moved here when they were all just little :)

BlueBlueSea - that is a good idea - see how it goes this term and maybe then swap with ex re providing ingredients.

Re containers, I know my DSD will be very good about returning them (she is a superstar) but in all honesty I would hate to make her feel hassled about returning them to me ASAP. The kids dislike having to carry extra bags to school (they have no lockers and carry all their things with them all day) and if anything will make a kid feel uncomfortable about being spread between two homes is carrying extra stuff around. Furthermore if she gives it to my DS (they are in the same class) at the start of the day - I will never ever see it again - he forgets and looses everything! I will get disposable ones to solve this...

We have the same issue, the only shop dss can get to is the village shop. It sells some food but not the stuff they would need for food tech and def can't be relied upon.

Funny how people who live near supermarkets assume everyone does. Our nearest is about eight miles away, along dual carriageway, no busses and dss can't cycle that route.

OP I know you live in a rural setting. I would recommend you buy lots of ice cream, sorbet and have chinese takeaways, if they will deliver. No need for expensive tupperware. .Jobs a goodun.

You sound like a really nice step mum zazas.

Sorry I did my rant earlier in the thread, but I think some posters may not have read it. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GETTING INGREDIENTS FOR A FOOD TECH LESSON LET THE TEACHER KNOW IN ADVANCE. At least 48 hours please. Most teachers will reply by e-mail. However the one thing we cannot do is provide containers to take food home in.

Outtogetyou I understand! We don't even have a village shop nearby...actually you can manage to reach one by crossing 5 fields and a river, and avoiding the over curious cows! We moved here before the kids were big enough to go to shops on their own...still it's been brilliant for their teeth the dentist tells me!

Elephantoverthehill good idea! Thanks

Hhitsbacktoworkigi

I am totally bemused that anyone would actually feel aggrieved by such a matter, it wouldn't even cross my mind for a second to feel resentful that my kids' other family got to enjoy the food that I paid for to be cooked. I look at it as money that goes towards their education. Being able to eat it is just an extra, but even if the rules was for it to be thrown away in the bin afterwards, it would still need to be paid for?

Anyway, if that is a real issue for you, and you say that DD stated before that she thought it was unfair when it was the other way around, how about telling your SD that you really would love to taste her cooking some times, especially since you buy the ingredients and it makes your mouth waters and ask her if she'd mind if sometimes, she put the meal in the freezer at her mum and bring it over next time she comes to see you?

This way, you get the meal, and she gets the burst of confidence that you really want to taste her delicious cooking.

I could imagine a 15yo being able to let the parent know in time for them to email the teacher 48 hours before and for the teacher to provide a suggestion, but quite frankly dss doesn't let us know anything until he's about to leave the house the morning he needs something. He's often not had the right kit because it's at his mum's and he forgot he was going to need it, then remembers just as he's leaving, so dp has to contact ex, arrange to pick it up and take it into school later. Sometimes this is all possible but not always.

He once told us at about 8pm on a Sunday that he had to take a model of a cell to school the next morning. We didn't have anything to make it from, so he took a giant marshmallow with a chocolate button stuck on it for the nucleus!

OutToGetYou I am filing that cell idea for my totally disorganised DC2. Brilliant and would have the added bonus that it looked as if it had no parental involvement at all.

swingofthings. See my pp might help explain how 'such matters' become huge issues in step family's.

Outto get tgst image of your SS walking into school with a giant marshmallow nucleus cracked me up!