New step dad, relationship has broken down.

[stepdad85]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum and while I know this is a place for mums it's the only place I can really think of to turn for help.

I'll start by giving a background on our situation then talk about our current problems and hopefully can help get some things off my chest and maybe even get some advice from people who can give an un biased opinion on things. This might be long so please be patient with me

I met my partner just over a year ago, I knew she had a 4 year old from the start. We fell madly in love very quickly and at first her child was never mentioned, it was just me and my partner dating etc. After about 2 months I was introduced to her son and we bonded very well immediately. After three months I was stopping at my partners house so often, everyone was getting along so well we both decided it would be a good idea for me to move into her place. In hindsight this was a huge mistake and we moved far to fast without talking over what my role would be and what we expected of each other.

Almost over night I became a married man with a 4 year old child, while I had expected to be a part of his life I had no idea to what extent and what she had expected of me. Suddenly everything has a timetable, the fun relationship was gone, I could no longer make time for my friends without feeling like my partner was unhappy about it, I had to sacrifice all my hobbies, pastimes and passions to put her and this little guy first. I'm a creative guy so suddenly having no time to make my music, edit videos and work on my blogs was very hard for me. My stepson still has a dad, who pays no child support, only sees him once every two weeks (if he even turns up) and at 33 years old still lives with his mam, he does nothing for his son.

I felt my partners expectations of me grew every day and I could never do enough to please her, I pick my stepson up from school when I can, I drop him off in the mornings, I split the bills for his food, buy him gifts and spend loads of time with him. I take him out just the two of us and try so hard to show my partner I'm serious about them but as soon as I put a foot wrong or get stressed about things my partner is straight on my case. It got to the stage where I thought "where does what I want come into this?". I feel like I'm expected to be a dad to my stepson, give up my entire life for him, provide for him and treat him as if he was my own, without getting any of the benefits or say that a dad would have and while getting nothing back in return. It's resulted in me feeling underappreciated, used and resentful.

These feelings started to leak out and my partner noticed and we had a massive row about things, I tried to explain why it has been hard for me and she became really defensive and said something like "what's so difficult about it", she made me feel like less of a man because I was struggling with things and in the end I went on a big rant about how hard it is to do what I'm doing because this child isn't mine and I get no thanks for anything.

Me saying " he isn't mine" is something that has never left her head since, she now believes I don't want him to be around and she feels like I've made her and her child feel like a big inconvenience and that I'm not suitable for this relationship. In the end she basically told me to leave. We cried, I promised I would try harder and in the end it's all came down to me to fix things.

So now we are in a situation where I need to make it up to her in order to save this relationship because she believes the things I've said about her son not being mine are very bad/offensive things and that I now need to prove myself to her. She's not acknowledging that while I didn't put my point across very well (and I'm sorry for what I said) what I said was said for a reason.

All my feelings are not considered and now if I want to save the relationship the ball is in my court. Has my partner put too much on me too soon? Am I being selfish? What role should a live in step dad play?

My head is in a mess and I don't want to loose my partner or my stepson but I don't want to keep feeling like my feelings don't matter and that I'm only here to serve her and her child.

But he's not your child! And when push comes to shove and she wants to make a decision about him, eg which school he goes to, she will remind you of that, too.

You moved in far too quickly. She sounds a bit unhinged tbh and I think you should move back out just as quickly.

It may just be that you each have different expectations of your relationship.

If she needs you to be "dad" in order to be "partner and lover" but you aren't able to meet that need, then you're mismatched and may need to accept that.

For what it's worth, I think she's being unfair, but plenty of relationships work well when the stepparent is expected to fill the shoes of an absent parent so she's not wrong.
What's important is that you both agree. It's too important to keep quiet and hope things change.

I suggest getting a babysitter, and have a serious talk about what she needs/expects from you, and what you are willing to offer - and take it from there.

I agree we do need a serious talk about things, I just wish she would be prepared to compromise for me every now and again as I make so many compromises for her.

Our most recent argument was because I was off work and spent the day in the house playing online games, bearing in mind I've not had a day to myself in over a month i was keen to get some down time and put my feet up. I made sure the dishes were washed and that the living room/child's mess had been cleaned up before her coming home. She came home in a foul mood, stressed and having a disagreement with my stepson. She looked at me like she was very upset with me and snapped something like "have you just sat on your backside all day", she was annoyed because I hadn't noticed fresh washing on the bench that should have been put away and that the fridge was empty. She then said the bills have went up this month and I've not offered to pay towards them, she feels like I'm taking the mick out of her, said I'm immature for sitting on my backside playing video games etc.

This got my back up for a number of reasons, one of them being it's been the kids holidays and the bills are higher because her son is constantly playing computer games, watching netflix etc. I constantly pay to take us all out for meals, buy buy stepson gifts and contribute to the food shopping for him so i felt like she was way to quick to jump down my throat and make me feel like i don't contribute anything. The reality is she is better off with me living with her and I help her financial situation by being there. I reminded her of this and she got even more annoyed saying I live their so everything should be 50-50.

You are just feeling the normal feelings any step parent would feel. Your partner sounds very defensive - but she has to listen to you or you'll get fed up and leave one day.

Her son is her responsibility first and foremost. I have my own kid but I wouldn't expect my OH to take on anything without being appreciative. Because he's not his kid. He doesn't have to. And he'll get little of the love and bonding back. So I make time for him. It's completely fine for you to play games all day.

But - is there an underlying resentment here from her? I would say 50/50 is fair enough unless there are big expenses for the son? Rent, bills, food shopping, all split down the middle. You saying that you 'contribute' to food shopping sounds a bit like you are just giving a little but then doing all the 'fun' stuff like meals and presents.

I think maybe you just need to ask yourself- is this what I want? - and if not...

It's only been a year- you know you both moved too quickly. She wants a dad for her child, you don't want to be. No approach is right or wrong- but they are different...

I'm in the situation of your partner but I agree with you. I don't think she has any rights to expect you to act like a dad towards her son. I know that consciously or not, that is often what many single women dream off, especially when the father is lacking in that role, but the reality is that it is not fair to expect this of a partner who is not the dad.

When I got together with my now husband, things moved very quickly too (although do to some circumstances, we didn't officially moved together for 18 months), but he too had to adjust from being a single busy man with no children to a partner of a mum. However, it was very clear from the start that I would never expect him to act as a parent towards them and take over the responsibility. To be fair, it suited me too because I didn't want him to start disciplining them on my behalf either.

Sometimes, I do still fantasize that our roles towards our children are 50/50, but the reality is that we aren't. They are MY children and MY responsibility.

I think her expectations are unfair, saying that, you're going to have to find a way to explain this without her taking it as a rejection. For a start, don't talk when you are angry and it all comes out. Make up a time together (when the boy is with his dad) and go for a walk and just explain how it all went to fast for you and you didn't expect to be acting as her boy's second parent. You need to find a way to compromise so that she does feel supported, but she appreciate that you are still a non-parent entitled to do things without your boy.

Before I met my OH, he went every year on a trip with the boys. He continued to do so after we met, and still does now that we are married. I see nothing wrong with it.

Thanks for the nice reply swingofthings. I've tried to explain how I feel to her and she gets super defensive and offended instantly, she really makes me feel like I'm being so unreasonable I start to wonder if this is all my fault. This is when I'll end up defending myself and arguing follows because inside I know I'm not a bad person, I do an awful lot for her and her child and refuse to let her make me out to be a bad person.

I don't even think the problem is having a step child, the problem is her utter refusal to see things from my point of view and her complete lack of respect for me and my feelings. I do think it stems from her being hurt in the past and it causes her to be defensive as soon as her child is mentioned but I can't keep getting the blame for everything, it's driving me mad.

I think you need to ask her, very calmly, to explain how she's sees your role.

If it is as an equal parent, as well as an equal partner, then you know where you stand and can make decisions based on that.

At the moment, you are guessing what she wants based on her reaction to tensions in your relationship, and she is doing the same based on what she sees you doing - you'll never get clarity until you are both clear what you want from the other.

TBH, she sounds like one of those women who expects the man to revolve his whole life around her and her needs/desires/expectations. What YOU need/desire/expect doesn't really come in to it, sure she'll make the appropriate noises whilst it means things go her way, but the second you disagree with anything or she cannot have things her own way, or you insist on being treated like a human being with needs/expectation/desires of your own then she isn't interested. In a partnership there has to be give and take and compromise on BOTH sides, you both should be able to have downtime and share the parenting/housework as equally as possible - but it doesn't sound like she even appreciates what you have already sacrificed and the effort you put in. You do need a serious discussion about sharing the parenting, household chores AND making sure you both have downtime.....so neither of you can make sarky/rude comments about the other 'doing nothing'.

it all sounds very one sided to me. She wants a dad for her son and to take the load off her shoulders but at the same time she isn't willing to treat you with consideration and respect. i doubt communicating with her - even WITH the best terminology and expression - is going to get you anywhere with her. It's her way or the highway. The instant defensiveness is a well used tactic to deflect and avoid what you don't want to face or talk/compromise about, it's also used to emotionally manipulate you immediately into backing down, doubting yourself and to make you feel bad for wanting your needs met.

i would take the highway.....then if SHE still wants the relationship to work she will have to start acting like a partner and you can start afresh on a new footing knowing what's involved.

i feel you're being used to meet some unfulfilled need of hers and this won't ever be an equal, loving and considerate partnership.

Is she generally a reasonable person, able to see things from ither people's point of view, able to admit sometimes she's wrong about stuff or has made a mistake in the way she's acted?

If she can be reasonable about stuff in general then I'd say there's hope you can make her understand how you feel and adjust her expectations. It could just be a massive blind spot of trying to do right by her son and having taken things a bit far. But if she's generally the sort of person who never admits mistakes or is never prepared to open her mind to being changed about anything I think you're on a hiding to nothing.

Thanks so much for the replies everyone. I've come home tonight, tucked the little one in bed and came downstairs to try and talk to my partner, she looked at me like she can't stand the sight of me, I tried to start talking and she said "just shut up, I cant take it anymore".

She has written down a list of the monthly outgoings and it turns out she paid about ??100 more than me on the bills last month due to the electric going up. She did mention this to me about a week ago and I'd told her I'll transfer some extra money into her account but I forgot about it and until yesterday it was never mentioned. I put the extra money into her account this morning.

She is so angry she can't even look at me. She told me I'm a disgrace and that I'm deliberately trying to take her for a fool and that I'm not paying my way. I reminded her last night that I pay for half of my stepsons food bills and constantly buy him things so how on earth can I be taking her for a fool. In anger I said I don't feel like it's my obligation to pay for these things but I've been doing it because I want to. I said that to defend myself, to try and make her see that I'm not a bad person. She sees it as me throwing it in her face and she "always knew I resented having to buy him food" which isn't the case, I realize the way I put it last night might make it appear this way.

She has been horrible to me tonight, I can't believe she is even capable of speaking to me the way she has. I became upset and told her if she loved me she wouldn't talk to me like that, she told me to leave.

I have nowhere to go, so I'm sat in the spare room where I'll be sleeping tonight. She says I've drove her to this, it's all my fault and until I can see what a bad person I've been she doesn't want me in her life. She says I've dragged her down, made her feel shit about herself and made her and my stepson feel unwanted. I have never wanted to make her feel like that but do admit I've made mistakes.

She genuinely believes I've treated her very badly and I feel like she has painted a picture of who she believes I am in her mind that just isn't so.

I'm now wondering if maybe I have been horrible, if somehow I deserve this but I can't help the underlying feeling that this just isn't right, like I'm almost being manipulated and emotionally abused. I've been crying my eyes out and she just said "good" glad you feel that way, this is how you make me feel.

What happened to the amazing, funny and understanding girl that I fell in love with? I'm heartbroken.

Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

Hold onto the fact that despite all the awful things she has said to you, she still trusts you with the most precious thing in her life; her DS. The fact that despite your argument and her rejection of you, you were able to tuck your DSS up in bed is very significant.

It may be that she has already ended your relationship in her head, has emotionally detached and just wants you to go. In which case, hard though it is, you must respect that.

But, if it is just a "rocky patch", and she doesn't want you to go, can I suggest couples counselling? Sometimes, relationships do go through rough patches, particularly when young DCs are involved, and the non-biological aspect to your relationship with her DS adds an extra dimension.

I hope you find resolution soon.

Run OP, it sounds to me like she is doing you a massive favour by ending things. Sorry, I know this probably isn't what you want to hear. This is not a loving, equal relationship and I doubt you will ever be able to live up to her expectations. She is being hugely unfair and if you can't talk about things reasonably what hope is there?

This sounds terrible

I agree with others that have said run! She sounds terrible. If you feel like this after a year imagine how you will feel after 5 /10 / 20?

I feel like after some time to reflect on things tonight I understand what's upset her. She tried to voice frustrations about finances and the fact I left the house a little untidy and I turned it into something about my stepson by bringing what I do for him into it. From hers eyes what I do for him should have nothing to do with this situation and it probably does make it look like I resent doing things with him. I only mentioned it because I felt like she was saying I'm selfish and not contributing so I tried to show her I'm not by telling her what I do for my stepson. I guess the reality is because I do feel under appriciated that's why I'm so quick to mention things. I guess me constantly making things about me and my stepson has made me appear to be this horrible person she says I am. Not trying to stick up for her, I just want to work out if her actions are justified and maybe it's not about her being controlling etc.

I can see on the face of it why she'd be hacked off with you having a day's holiday and leaving an empty fridge/clothes not put away/place not as tidy as she'd like.

But she is viewing this as though she is living with her son's dad (or if you were a couple with no DC) where a 50/50 split of chores/household running costs etc is right and proper.

Since you are not her boy's father, then in your eyes you are already making up any "shortfall" by paying towards DSS's food, taking him out, doing school runs etc. The problem is that because your partner clearly thinks she is entitled to your help rather than seeing it as a voluntary act on your part that she should be appreciative for, then in her eyes you will always fall short and therefore her resentment will only escalate. Unless of course you start doing even more which we already know she expects rather than feels grateful for, in which case you'll end up resenting her.

This wasn't you turning the issues into something about your stepson. It's the fact that she's failing to recognise that at this relatively early stage in your relationship she is not entitled to any help from you regarding her DS therefore if her financial outgoings are a little higher/she has a bit more to do round the house e.g. DS's washing, then actually that's fair.

Personally I think you'd be better off with someone who actually appreciates you.

I don't even think the problem is having a step child, the problem is her utter refusal to see things from my point of view and her complete lack of respect for me and my feelings.

I'm so glad you had time to reflect last night and focus on how she might have felt herself as I was going to respond to the above to say she probably feels exactly the same.

Your issue is not the step-parent matter, not even the adjusting to living together as a family, these are only the trigger. Your problem is that you struggle to communicate together so you can both listen to each other and move forward on this basis.

OH and I really struggle to communicate when we first got together because we are so different when it comes to it. I let things bottle up and then it all comes out, at which point, I expect a discussion and decisions to be made. OH tends to ignore issues, and hates confrontation, so when I bring things up, he automatically goes on the defensive and refuse to discuss things, which totally winds me up and that lead to massive arguments that left us very shaken. I felt resentful that OH didn't care one bit for how I feel.

I have now learn that it is not the case at all and he actually is an excellent listener...after he had the time to take in what I say. I now know that if I have an issue to discuss, I need to let him know in advance, arrange for us to be together in a pleasant environment (usually we go for a walk), I raise the issue without putting blame on him, just giving the fact and asking how he thinks we can resolve it, and most importantly, not expect a response there and then. I need to not go on about it and trust that he will come back to me with solutions. He always does.

We've gone from being the worse communicating couple to being a role model one! Many people assumed we wouldn't make it, but we have and he is now my best friend. I will always go to him first if anything is troubling me.

Forget about trying to assess if you or she is right, you most likely are both right in the way you look at the situation, what you need to do is learn to listen to each other and see it from the other side.

It sounds like too much too soon, you're both making each other miserable regardless of the reasons. Sounds like you would be best to call it a day.

You sound like a decent chap. Get out and find someone who will appreciate you.

She is abusive - if I were you I would get out because no matter what you do you will not change her. It seems no matter what you say it's your fault, no matter what you do it's not good enough, telling you that you are a bad person - it's all about controlling you and getting you to do what she wants you to do by making you feel bad about yourself. She is trying to put the blame onto you for her bad feelings - don't let her do that.

I think your DP is being completely unreasonable and unless she's going to change her mindset (very unlikely), I can't see a happy resolution to this situation.

The bottom line is that she didn't make it clear at the start of your relationship that what she was really looking for was a dad for her son. So you moved in with her thinking you were just moving in with a new partner (who happened to have a child), while she saw you moving in as 'Finally, I'll have a partner who will split everything with me 50/50 including the care of my child'. Don't get me wrong, I can understand her wanting a proper dad for her son, since his real father is such a deadbeat, but just dumping that responsibility on you without discussing it properly and making sure its what YOU wanted too is out of line.

Please stop pandering to her every whim and bending over backwards to accommodate her ever-escalating demands. Yes, pay your way with the household bills, but her attitude towards you is vile. My DH is the father of our DC, yet I fully accept that he needs some downtime, alone time, time with friends, to potter about at the weekends and run errands without me on his back. That's normal behaviour. The behaviour of your DP is controlling and unreasonable. By acceding to her demands you're validating them. Stand up for yourself.

I agree with those who think she is unreasonable.

sorry op. This must be tough. Her expectations are very high - too high I think.

All i can think is ITS ONLY BEEN A YEAR.

You should be happy and having fun.

wewereneverbeingboring

"The problem is that because your partner clearly thinks she is entitled to your help rather than seeing it as a voluntary act on your part that she should be appreciative for, then in her eyes you will always fall short and therefore her resentment will only escalate. Unless of course you start doing even more which we already know she expects rather than feels grateful for, in which case you'll end up resenting her"

Wow! You have hit the nail right on the head and got to the root of the problem that I've never been able to see in that way before. While I do think shes being unreasonable I still love her very much and I'm willing to do what i can to make things work. Obviously we need to have a conversation about the point you have made or our root problems will never be solved and the issue will keep re occurring.

I'm staying away for the night as she has requested, when I return I want to address the points raised in here, I can only hope that she will be willing to listen.

I would be very clear how you see your role re. her son. Eg. Supporting her in her parenting, being a great role model to him and being a great friend to him, but not being a 'Dad'.

There is no reason you should have to give up your passions, your hobbies, etc, for your own children, never mind someone else's.

Be warned, from what you've said, I don't think she's going to hear you.