New step dad, relationship has broken down.

[stepdad85]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum and while I know this is a place for mums it's the only place I can really think of to turn for help.

I'll start by giving a background on our situation then talk about our current problems and hopefully can help get some things off my chest and maybe even get some advice from people who can give an un biased opinion on things. This might be long so please be patient with me

I met my partner just over a year ago, I knew she had a 4 year old from the start. We fell madly in love very quickly and at first her child was never mentioned, it was just me and my partner dating etc. After about 2 months I was introduced to her son and we bonded very well immediately. After three months I was stopping at my partners house so often, everyone was getting along so well we both decided it would be a good idea for me to move into her place. In hindsight this was a huge mistake and we moved far to fast without talking over what my role would be and what we expected of each other.

Almost over night I became a married man with a 4 year old child, while I had expected to be a part of his life I had no idea to what extent and what she had expected of me. Suddenly everything has a timetable, the fun relationship was gone, I could no longer make time for my friends without feeling like my partner was unhappy about it, I had to sacrifice all my hobbies, pastimes and passions to put her and this little guy first. I'm a creative guy so suddenly having no time to make my music, edit videos and work on my blogs was very hard for me. My stepson still has a dad, who pays no child support, only sees him once every two weeks (if he even turns up) and at 33 years old still lives with his mam, he does nothing for his son.

I felt my partners expectations of me grew every day and I could never do enough to please her, I pick my stepson up from school when I can, I drop him off in the mornings, I split the bills for his food, buy him gifts and spend loads of time with him. I take him out just the two of us and try so hard to show my partner I'm serious about them but as soon as I put a foot wrong or get stressed about things my partner is straight on my case. It got to the stage where I thought "where does what I want come into this?". I feel like I'm expected to be a dad to my stepson, give up my entire life for him, provide for him and treat him as if he was my own, without getting any of the benefits or say that a dad would have and while getting nothing back in return. It's resulted in me feeling underappreciated, used and resentful.

These feelings started to leak out and my partner noticed and we had a massive row about things, I tried to explain why it has been hard for me and she became really defensive and said something like "what's so difficult about it", she made me feel like less of a man because I was struggling with things and in the end I went on a big rant about how hard it is to do what I'm doing because this child isn't mine and I get no thanks for anything.

Me saying " he isn't mine" is something that has never left her head since, she now believes I don't want him to be around and she feels like I've made her and her child feel like a big inconvenience and that I'm not suitable for this relationship. In the end she basically told me to leave. We cried, I promised I would try harder and in the end it's all came down to me to fix things.

So now we are in a situation where I need to make it up to her in order to save this relationship because she believes the things I've said about her son not being mine are very bad/offensive things and that I now need to prove myself to her. She's not acknowledging that while I didn't put my point across very well (and I'm sorry for what I said) what I said was said for a reason.

All my feelings are not considered and now if I want to save the relationship the ball is in my court. Has my partner put too much on me too soon? Am I being selfish? What role should a live in step dad play?

My head is in a mess and I don't want to loose my partner or my stepson but I don't want to keep feeling like my feelings don't matter and that I'm only here to serve her and her child.

Does everyone think I'm well within my rights to feel like I should be a role model, provider and friend but not a "dad" as such?

Is the general consensus that this would be the normal way to do things given the situation?

Don't get me wrong, in time I'd love to feel like a dad to him but I've only been with her a year, something like that will take time. I tried to explain that because he still has a dad it's harder for me to feel like one this early on and she went off the handle about that too, saying that him having a dad has "nothing to do with it", shouldn't affect my feelings and that I was yet again saying horrible hurtful things to her.

It's not looking good for us to be honest and i'm preparing myself for the hurt of leaving her already. It's just such a shame because I love her and care about her son but nothing will ever be enough for her.

OP do you share rent/bills/housework and food 50/50? That would seem fair if you are living with her. Whether or not she has a child.

The 'Dad' role is a different issue.

OP, you sound fair-minded and like you're making an effort to see both sides and make things work. I do have to say, though, that if your girlfriend keeps getting rapidly upset and offended whenever you try to raise any issue then your efforts are going to be pretty one-sided and the relationship will probably not work long-term.

Good luck resolving this but from what you've said so far it sounds like it's her way or the highway, and if you don't want that you might need to brace yourself for being single again soonish

Bananas it sounds to me like the GF wants OP to share rent/bills/housework and food 50/50 and do stuff for her DS like school runs/days out/gifts/pay for DS's food etc because that's what dads do, except she's failing to appreciate he's not the boy's dad.

OP maybe in time you could take on a parental role if you wanted but even if you never ever wanted to that wouldn't be right or wrong, just your choice. The fact that your DP is in such a hurry to try foisting all that responsibility on you so quickly and being quite frankly vile to you because you're not quite ready yet, rings major alarm bells with regard to her personality in general not just in respect to her DS. She is being hugely unfair in her expectations of you.

Weweren I see what you are saying, however it isn't clear from OP whether they are sharing most things 50/50. This may be some of the reason why she is appearing unhappy.

If the OP is doing a lot of the Dad's stuff, or 'extras' like meals out but not paying much for rent or bills then that may be a cause of resentment. I guess only the OP knows. I agree, the 'Dad' thing shouldn't be assumed or demanded at all. I think it isn't great on the child either to suddenly foist a 'Dad' when it is so soon in the relationship. But the fair share of finances and housework is.

When I met my current dh I expected him to do absolutely nothing with my dd. He didn't do her laundry, tidy her toys, take her out. Zilch. When he moved in, yes he interacted but not once did I give or expect him to take any responsibility for her and rightly so. She was mine and a man can't just be expected to jump into the role of parent.

The woman is expecting a lot from you and takes you for granted.

I can see you love her and that you're a helpful chap but she is asking waaaay too much of you. She has a child, not you. Her life should reflect that but she is expecting yours to reflect that and you are starting to feel slightly resentful of that responsibility when it isn't fully yours and rightly so.

I really wish you would leave her. She clearly doesn't realise when she is onto a good thing.

I get what you mean Bananas and it sounds like maybe the OP doesn't do 50/50 chores etc. But he does other stuff which in his mind compensates e.g school runs, taking the boy out just the two of them so the GF gets a break etc. Problem is the GF doesn't see those contributions as part of the 50/50 so if OP did turn around and say to her "ok we'll split the adult finances/housework etc 50/50 and you can be responsible for all of your DS's stuff/extra electricity usage/school runs/picking up his mess" then she'd scream at him that he doesn't care about them.

Problem is if OP does do 50/50 everything plus all the DS stuff then he'll actually be contributing more to the relationship than she is because the DS is not his child and he has no responsibility towards him this early on in the relationship. It's all a favour to her. Obviously in time if OP wants to do more because he loves his GF and DS then that's up to him, but right now she's not right to expect a fair split of chores and finances and ignore all the extra stuff that OP's contributing.

shes not right to expect what she thinks is* a fair split of chores and finances and ignore all the extra stuff that OP's contributing

It sounds like the relationship stopped being equal when you moved in with her and DSS. It sounds like she resents you moving in, but now that you have done so, she expects you to be grateful for it by paying half and acting like a father to her son, and accepting all the sacrifices in regards to your free time etc. She probably doesnt have a lot of free time either, so resents any downtime you have.

You both have different views on the expectations of each other.

Im afraid this relationship has no chance of working out. She isnt going to have a revelationary moment where she will see things from your point of view tomorrow morning. Id say there is almost no point in discussing it. You'll both be happier when this relationship ends.

She's text me today saying she is sure I'm fake with her son and that I hate the fact she has a child and that I don't love him and just see him as an inconvenience and it's what I've said that makes her feel this way. This is heartbreaking she's going to leave me over this and she's wrong about it. What can I do to show her I care about both of them and not just her? I feel almost sure she's going to stop me from seeing my stepson now too, I don't know how to cope.

She is wrong about it, and any rational person would see that.

She doesn't sound very nice at all.

She's manipulating you.

The two of you fell into this relationship very quickly (has anyone else commented on the fact that this woman moved her new man in three months after meeting him?). Now the halo of new romance has worn off and you're at the stage where you have to start negotiating and compromising and listening to each others' needs. Instead she seems to catastrophise everything you say and make it about how you hate her and have made her feel bad. No - you haven't made her feel anything; she is responsible for her own feelings. The fact that she is using this as a stick to beat you with indicates that she's not interested in compromise, she wants you to fall into line with her way of doing things or she will call the whole thing off.

I think she sounds horrible tbh.

I just don't understand, how can someone change so much so quickly! She has always appeared so reasonable and understanding and suddenly I'm seeing a different person, obviously she blames me for making her this way. I don't want to give up on her until I'm 100% sure she is manipulating me but it does look that way at the minute.

Was that 'reasonable and understanding as long as you were doing everything her way'?

Totally agree with Manatee's posts.

I doubt your GF has changed as such - dating is the fun part when most people are on their best behaviour, going on dates is a little escape from the humdrum of real life and you can let your hair down and be relaxed and happy. There are no expectations on you to help with the washing or put the bins out let alone parent her DS.

You are now seeing the real her (and she the real you) - you say you don't want to give up on her but unless you want a life of walking on eggshells you need to walk away.

I feel like your wife does, but if I'm completely honest, I know it's unreasonable. Dh & I married 4 years ago and he had known my kids for 4 yrs previously, so has had longer with them. Ex is a non-parent, and because dh is such an outstanding parent to his own kids, on a basic, primal level, I wanted him to fill the gap for mine.

I don't think your dp will ever not have this need because fair or unfair, it feels almost biologically entrenched. If your feelings for her child develop naturally over time, you will find her easing up, relaxing and not being so hard on you. I honestly think your best bet is honest, no holds barred councelling.

DP treats my DC like is own, but I have no expectations that should, I know they aren't his they're mine. He always steps up tho.

I think the difference is I have no expectations, beyond kindness & mutual respect towards my DC and him. Which makes it easier. Sometimes they're very close, sometimes he feels like it's not his place and pulls back. Which is fine.

You've moved too fast on this relationship without discussing basic expectations. Maybe start now, or move out and go back to dating eachother for a bit.

OP,I agree with others who say if you leave now you will have a lucky escape. Sorry.

Do you know anything about her past? Has she moved guys in (and out) fast before?

I may be way off track but I have a hunch that her behaviour is not really about you but some kind of symptom of her past experiences or perhaps her ex.

Either way, it sounds as if winning her back will just involve a lifetime of compromise and walking on eggshells for you.

What can I do to show her I care about both of them and not just her?
Ask her! If she says you would do x, y and z, all being chores, I would let her go away. If she brings up things you say, or how you act, maybe worth considering how you can change the way you communicate.

This sounds VERY like a situation my male friend was in a couple of years ago. The woman was very manipulative and turned everything round on him, he too did loads with the boy He came to completely resent her in the end and left. He was heartbroken as he loved the boy.