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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Parenting style issues

44 replies

merlotmary · 08/09/2015 16:53

HI, I moved in with my DH 18 months ago. I have a DS who is 15 and he has a DD (6) and a DS (10) who are with us 50% of the time. We have a different approach to parenting.

After a year to settle in and settle down I find myself biting my tongue when DSS is frankly very rude to his dad and DSD demands this and that with no please or thank you. They run through the kitchen, climb on the furniture, DSS leaves wee all over the loo seat and the floor, they leave lights on all over the house, they eat with their fingers...DSD climbs all over her dad during meal times, insists she decides where he sits..and they fight all the time but there are never any consequences, just the vague threat of going to bed with no pudding which, in 18 months, has never been carried through. It drives me crazy. I would never have allowed my son to behave like that and frankly their behaviour is pissing him off too. Especially since DSS hogs the wifi watching YouTube videos for hours on end. They both get away with bloody murder.

Should I say anything? This is my house too. Or is that a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:

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BrandNewAndImproved · 08/09/2015 17:08

There's nothing wrong with having house rules!

But could you call a family meeting, ask everyone to say what they dislike and like about living together and everybody choose a house rule.
Yours can be no jumping around or table manners, your sons could be a fairer wifi access ect.

Original poster

merlotmary · 08/09/2015 17:22

I did float that as an idea but it never happened, I think because it wasn't high on DH's agenda. Like when I say "DSS has left wee all over the loo seat and spit in the sink from when he's cleaned his teeth, again" he just says "oh that's normal for a 10 year old boy and I wouldn't expect him to remember"

WELL I WOULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

O, good advice BRAI, I will raise it again when we're all going to be together for a weekend

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BrandNewAndImproved · 08/09/2015 17:28

If you bombard the sdc with all the things you want to change about them your dh and sdc will go on the defensive and nothing will be solved.

I would leave the wee issue atm, yes it's not nice but I would tackle either the jumping on furniture or table manners first. It will just get everyone's backs up to say about everything.

Also be willing to listen to anything they say about what you do different to how they were brought up. If your going to be a leader in this make sure you lead by example.

If this works by Christmas I would buy dss a ping-pong ball and tell him to aim at that. Make it a joke present if you have that sort of relationship.

SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 17:35

Id move back out. He doesnt want to address their behaviour. Hes had 10 years to sort his parenting, he hasnt so clearly he thinks its fine. Any changes he promises to make will likely be to pacify you and will be blamed on you. I'd go back to separate houses and just carry on dating as before.

Original poster

merlotmary · 08/09/2015 17:35

Wise words thank you. I had a strict upbringing and it makes me shudder to see how those two carry on sometimes but maybe it's me who needs to lighten up. It's hard though when I work hard to give them a nice home and they don't seem to have any respect for it and they aren't being taught to respect it. But in fairness, they aren't trashing the place.

Breathe in... and out.

OP posts:

Original poster

merlotmary · 08/09/2015 17:39

We bought the house together SurlyCue, and we're married. This has to be dealt with one way or another

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SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 17:45

Ah right, more tricky. Could i ask why you didnt try the living together before marrying and buying a house together?

BrandNewAndImproved · 08/09/2015 18:06

I do get it op, I used to have step dc. It's hard all round when you've all got different ways in which you like your homes run.

I'm quite fussy about things (I have anxiety and ocd) but ex dp always backed me up with bad behaviour. It was little things like giving his newly dry at night dd huge cups of milk before bed, not remembering to take his shoes off. The sdc always bloody remembered.

It's not forever, no 13/14 year olds are jumping over furniture and sitting on their dad's lap at the table. It's not insurmountable problems and other people who don't care about furniture jumping won't get it.

If you tackle table manners with the sdc maybe you could tackle the furniture jumping with dh saying you can just imagine them falling off and knocking the TV over. Say about the dc who have died from this.

Or say oi stop jumping on my bloody chairs and start disciplining them yourself. It's your house don't be shy.

swingofthings · 08/09/2015 18:50

Wise words thank you. I had a strict upbringing and it makes me shudder to see how those two carry on sometimes but maybe it's me who needs to lighten up.
A bit of both probably. My OH also has issue with my DS manners and lack of hygiene/cleaning. It's not easy to be in between either.

On one hand, my OH is right. It too drives me mad that my 12yo DS can live in such filth in his room. It also annoys me that I am constantly cleaning the toilet bowl after him. I do discipline him about it but.... it seems to be getting into one ear and coming out of the other. So the next step (that OH think I should take) is to make it a massive issue and start becoming as strict as it gets until he becomes a perfect clean boy, even if it involves him staying in his bedroom without eating for days (ok, maybe a bit dramatic). That's where the problem is. I don't want to go that route because 1) taking these issues apart, he is a lovely boy, who is extremely popular at school, works very hard and gets excellent results, he's very polite and respectful at school and with others, is extremely responsible and reliable, and overall, will do as I say. I also do know that talking with other parents, the things that do annoy me about him seem to be very common amongst kids his age and somehow, they do grow out of it without having to result to treat them like prisoners.

So that's how I go about it, I remind him over and over to clear up, sometimes I do get a bit stricter and will tell him that he can't have his phone until his room is clean (by his standards, lasting a day if lucky), and when I get very annoyed, I do remind myself that I am lucky this is all I have to be annoyed about. I have told OH not to go in his room and I do all the cleaning of the toilets/bathrooms.

In the meantime, I am counting the years and hope that like his sister, he will soon get to the point when he realises that clearing up a bedroom is not the end of the world and getting into a tidy room is hugely satisfying....

hampsterdam · 08/09/2015 19:19

Pick your battles. Jumping on your furniture not ok. No table manners well they're not your kids so don't sweat it. I'm quite strict and have high expectations and I get how annoying the table manners can be but I've detached from dss in that area now, not my job to teach other people's 8yo basic manners when his parents obviously don't place value on it. As long as my ds learns I'm happy.

SurlyCue · 08/09/2015 19:39

Wrt the leaving pee on the toilet. My youngest (6) is guilty of this so i bring him back in, show it to him and make him wipe it up. He knows he is supposed to lift the seat and check for drips every time but hes often in a rush to get back to whatever hewas doing before.

Original poster

merlotmary · 09/09/2015 08:50

Thanks all :)

OP posts:

anklebitersmum · 09/09/2015 09:05

merlotmary DH and I created a set of house rules when we got together. DSS was visiting on a very regular basis and had a very different set of standards as regards behaviour, eating, bedtime, manners etc etc to that of my DS.

The easy way to solve the "my Mum says" from him and "my Dad says" from mine was to make simple rules that everyone in our house abides by.
When there were 'issues' from either ex's household we just maintained that the rules in our house were for our house and if other people did things differently that was fine, but in our house this is how it rolls. Occasionally we had to use the "Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong" but not very often
We also agreed that we back each other up in front of the biters-if we have an issue with a decision we take it up later, away from the children, who, in my experience are remarkably naturally adept at divide and conquer from an early age.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 09/09/2015 09:32

I think it's unreasonable to marry and commit to someone and then expect them to fundamentally change a part of who they are.

Presumably, your DH has always parented like this, and you knew this when you married him. expecting him to change now is a pretty big ask.

Parenting values are really tricky to compromise on - if you are so far apart as a couple on this issue, it usually usually ends up being a dealbreaker, unfortunately.

Original poster

merlotmary · 09/09/2015 09:57

When I met DH his kids were 5 and 18 months. Not easy to know what the future is going to look like at that stage.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all to teach your kids have respect for the people you live with and fundamentally he doesn't disagree. However he's caught in the trap of trying to make up to his kids all the time for the fact that he is divorced from their mum and that manifests itself in him not liking to tell them off and giving in to them all the time. I am divorced from my son's dad but I feel that it's my duty to bring him up to have empathy for other people and good manners.

Not sure how I would have foreseen all of this. (and by the way in case anyone is wondering, both our partners had affairs and left us, so we had this happen to us)

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/09/2015 10:14

Not sure how I would have foreseen all of this.

Forseen what? That he didnt like to tell his Dc off? Did you live together before marrying and buying the house together? That surely would have given you a clue about how he parented?

throwingpebbles · 09/09/2015 10:16

Ugh I am on the other side of the fence from you and it's tough! I grew up in a very relaxed home , my parents weren't at all strict, yet we have all ended up as decent well mannered and successful adults. They would remind us of table manners etc but there were no draconian punishments. They just modelled the right behaviour and eventually we followed

New partner and his ex have brought their two up much more strictly, with very very tight routines

He is struggling to comprehend and trust a different way of parenting, even though he can see that my way is much kinder and more flexible to adapt to the child's needs etc

SurlyCue · 09/09/2015 10:17

both our partners had affairs and left us, so we had this happen to us

Ok you didnt have your relationship, marriage, joint house, kids behaviour happen to you. Those are all things you made happen. Your previous relationship breaking up happened to you but it didnt make you fall into the situation you are in now. Be careful you dont assign yourself the victim of circumstance label.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 09/09/2015 10:19

However he's caught in the trap of trying to make up to his kids all the time for the fact that he is divorced from their mum and that manifests itself in him not liking to tell them off and giving in to them all the time

This is known as being a "Disney Dad". I appreciate you say the DCs were young when you met, but you were together for what? 3 years before you married/moved in together? Long enough to have some idea of what his parenting style is.

The problem is, you did overlook, or maybe even sympathise, with his Disney parenting when you were dating, but now it's an issue and from his perspective, that is very unfair.

Maybe you could try going along to parenting workshop or classes together - that's what my DH and I did long before we moved in together; it initiated conversations between us about discipline, boundaries, and expectations and we learnt a lot about each other in the process.

throwingpebbles · 09/09/2015 10:24

southamerican the idea of workshops/classes together sounds good.

From my perspective i don't think it's the an easy thing expect a child to accept a step parent if the step parent puts pressure on their actual parent to be much stricter. I agree with the idea of house rules though and that maybe that is the solution.

Original poster

merlotmary · 09/09/2015 11:12

thanks again for all of your advice. I think house rules is a good place to start as then everyone has a chance to say what they would like to change and that feels more inclusive. Also if someone is benefiting from their "rule" taking effect then they might see the point in keeping their end of the bargain by changing their behaviour, if that's what's required.

SurlyCue, I'm not sure what the point of some your comments is. Maybe we didn't follow the right process to get to where we are but we're here now and I for one want to focus on making our home a place where everyone is respected and make to my marriage work.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/09/2015 13:02

Which ones?

SurlyCue · 09/09/2015 13:03

Which of my comments i mean?

Original poster

merlotmary · 09/09/2015 14:16

@SurlyCue
Could i ask why you didnt try the living together before marrying and buying a house together?

Your previous relationship breaking up happened to you but it didnt make you fall into the situation you are in now.

I am where I am, I don't see how questioning my path to here and decisions along the way helps. I want to resolve the issue and get on with my marriage.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 09/09/2015 14:23

Could i ask why you didnt try the living together before marrying and buying a house together?

Yes pretty pointless to ask it at this stage, i was just interesed as to why you wouldnt try it out before committing.

Your previous relationship breaking up happened to you but it didnt make you fall into the situation you are in now.

this was in response to

"both our partners had affairs and left us, so we had this happen to us"

This didnt happen to you. It seemed like you were deflecting the blame for choices you have made onto your former partners.

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