Adult DSC being treated like small children - I'm struggling

[PhoneFaced]

DH has 2 children to his ex. They are now 18 and 20 years old. Both are treated like much younger children and it's starting to drive me batty.

His youngest isn't as bad but the 20 year old -

He's never had a job in his life. Wasted 3 years at college on daft courses and then after securing a place at uni, decided to 'take a year out'. Not traveling or gaining experience ... just a year 'out'. So he stays in bed until lunch time daily and spends his life on computer games. All he ever talks about is the latest computer game or the marvel movie - it's like talking to a small child constantly.

He still keeps up with weekly access meaning dad picks him up every saturday and drops him home every sunday. At 20, it all seems a bit not quite right. What really shocked me last weekend was that DH said he'd have him friday this week as there is something going on in town that he wants to take him to and the lad said "yes sure, I'll ask mum if its ok". He's 20 years old!!!!!

He has no friends, no hobbies, never goes anywhere unless he's getting ferried about by a parent - it's just tedious.

On a selfish note, I'm sick to death of having to dedicate every bloody weekend to entertaining a 20 year old man. Like I say, he's here EVERY saturday night and it's not like he's a normal 20 year old that goes out or entertains himself, he needs entertaining like a child. On top of that, DH won't go out because he's here meaning I'm literally having to wipe off every weekend. I feel like now that our kids are adults, we should have our weekends back like any normal couple but DH is still of the opinion that weekends should be dedicated soley to his kids, even though they're adults.

I mean, if it's like this now and the lad shows no signs whatsoever of growing up, developing interests or going to uni / work etc it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future, isn't it?

Most definitely this one and most definitely at the forefront of it . Slackers beware

Unless a student has a part-time job, they shouldn't have to be working on a Saturday night. There should be time for relaxation, for social meet-ups and for hobbies. Surely you want well-rounded children, rather than crammers?

Trends at university are very much away from the empty drinking culture and towards purposeful social activities.

What do you define as purposeful social activity, then? Clearly not weddings....

And where on earth do you live that your behaviour is considered usual?!

The opposite of a slacker isn't someone who works non-stop.

I'm not sure Bobo is a real person TBH.

My first boyfriend was the oldest of his family and the first of the kids to go to uni. He and his siblings were extremely supported at home, to the extent that a parent sat in the hallway when they were revising (at A-level, mind you) just in case they needed any help. Even at 19 I found this deeply weird.

Anyway, he got onto a vet course with his handful of As, then proceeded to struggle throughout the year and failed all his exams in the summer. Retook, passed. Second year, 'only' failed one. Third year, failed one because he didn't bother reading the question properly and would have missed the resit if I hadn't rung around his tutors to check. Fourth year.... no idea, I dumped him after that

His younger brother did well enough in exams to get into Oxbridge, then struggled through the year and failed so spectacularly at the end that they told him not to bother returning.

I think the next sibling was the first one to pass a degree without any fails at all!!

The parents of that family, lovely as they were, did their kids absolutely no favours by propping them up at school. You need to learn to work when you're at school because you sure as hell will find it a lot harder to learn to do so when you get to Uni.....

boho I suspect your kids might have been fine anyway since they're doing well, but equally you could have been setting them up to fail in their adult lives. Not a risk I'm willing to take, frankly.

Can I just check my understanding? Bobo, you declined most social events for an extended period of time in order to support your DCs. Were your DCs allowed to attend their own social events during this period, or did you all stay home together all the time?

If I were in your shoes I would invite dss out! Or if that is weird plan events where you can invite dss and dh out altogether so that he at least, and you too get to go out!

You could try festivals, National Trust properties, day trips to the beach etc.

If they don't want to go with you then go with a friend. But try to be positive in your interaction with them. Your dss desperately lacks confidence so try building him up instead.

I don't claim to be 'at the forefront of the planet'... but I don't really see why a mature 17 year old needs his parents in the house in order to do revision for every weekend of his last years of school!

The fact that you view your teen stepsons as equal companions who offer reciprocal support is not something to be proud of. They have failed to experience a critical emotional stage of growing up, and will undoubtedly struggle at some point in adulthood as a result.

This was me at 16/17 with my mum. My dad had just died and she was unable to cope. She ended up treating my sister and I as companions to support her, and did not parent the struggling teenagers that we were. We needed a mum. She needed friends. We all lost out.

Circumstances were hard and I am 43 now and still struggle with social situations and I get scared if my boss talks or emails me. How rubbish is that?
(btw, I fucking aced my exams. Yay me (hollow laugh) )

I would support Bobo's stance.

It would be alien in my culture for parents to prioritise their social life ahead of their dc's critical exams, at least those who want their dcs to succeed. Small price to pay for investing in their dc's future.

Blueshoes so I assume that if your parents had gone to a wedding reception during your sixth form years, you would have failed your A-levels?

If the wedding would disrupt my exam preparations, I would not have failed (don't be silly and alarmist) but it might have thrown my concentration out of kilter and affected my rigid schedule when preparing for exams because I am a crammer.

I want peace and quiet and no distractions when studying. I am a straight A student and know what I need to ace my exams. My parents' investment in my exams has paid off handsomely.

I will support my children if this is what they need.

I want peace and quiet and no distractions when studying.

Presumably then it would have been ideal if your parents had gone to a wedding then.....

Or did you mean 'I want peace and quiet and no distractions when studying and my parents to be in the next room'?

There's nothing wrong with working on a Saturday night. There is nothing intrinsically special about Saturday night and lots of very vacuous and dull socialising happens then.

I'm a disgusting mother. On Saturday night, my DH and I indulged in "vacuous and dull socialising", leaving my DD, who has just entered her "critical academic period", home alone with a box pizza and vague instructions not to burn the house down. We sneaked back in after she'd gone to bed, having had a few wines

Oh, and the charity dinner we had been to raised over £3000 for a cardiac charity as a memorial for DHs colleague who died suddenly at the age of 42.

At breakfast the next morning, we talked about him with DD. She told us about a school fund raising initiative which will provide all pupils in the area with cardiac screening, as one of the pupils from her school recently died from an undiagnosed cardiac condition.

What an irresponsible and uncaring mother I am to neglect my DDs academic potential in that way

Just read through this thread with interest, I have never come across teens who need such concentrated attention and I've had 5 of my own and a DSS.

But I'm very curious as to what 'being at the forefront' of the planet means, exactly.

Are you an actual superhero, Bobo? Or do you just mean you have lots of money, a big house, a jet-propelled car, etc., etc.?

SouthAmericanCuisine - you mean to say you consumed alcohol whilst your children were still in full time education??? Shameful !!!!

I would suggest that people not get so worked up and see this as supporting a child's exam prep. If the wedding was not disruptive (and indeed my dc would have preferred us to be away from the home), then of course we would go as parents. If my dc wanted us to be there, then we would have stayed.

It is a big red herring to go into minute details to try and prove a petty point. Instead, it shows a lack of perspective and a desire to take this into the realm of absurd.

There's no hope for her, petal - what with me and DH socialising in bars and her dad hosting card game nights with his mates, while DD is upstairs watching movies with her stepmum.
I'm sure at some point, the straight A's she's getting at school will dry up and she'll become an underachiever due to our laxidasical parenting.

I've done more than my fair share of lying on a sofa and testing the life out of my children, but they wouldn't rely on me remaining on the sofa permanently just in case they wanted me.

I wouldn't go out the night before a big exam if they wanted me to go through things with them, but I really wouldn't advise any student to leave things to the last minute. They have to know things by that point, not just try to remember them.

In any case the OP isn't talking about anything like this - she's talking about missing events just to keep her step son company - that's completely different.

You can't even spell lackadaisical, southamercian! She is doomed, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!

. Ironically, DDs spelling is a lot better than mine (and better than Siri autocorrect, it seems!)

What a very strange idea that parents shouldn't go out ever during the"critical exam period " DH and I have 6 DC/DSC between us so we'd not attend a single social do for a period of at least 10 years if we did that!

But going back to the OP, i do think that a mixture of socialising with your DP on the other 6 nights of the week, and then a trying to initiate a bit more of a mixture on a Saturday night is the way to go - so out with your own friends some nights, suggest something that includes DSS other nights, and if you get invited to something that DSS wouldn't enjoy then make it clear that you'd like your DP with you, but will go alone if necessary.

I think if you organise a string of things that DSS is not included in - as was suggested up thread, you'll just come across as rather negative and mean to a young man who's lacking friends and isn't going to suddenly find some by you rubbing it in that he's not got any. Teens don't hang round with their parents of they have the option of socialising with their own age group, they do it of that's all they've got.

"There is a curious and incorrect conflation of issues here. It does not infantilise DC to enjoy the support of their parents in achieving their life goals: it empowers them to do so. Our DC are anything but infantilised - they are exceptionally mature and accomplished because they have been properly supported to become so."

It is perfectly possible to support one's children without having to be physically present 24/7, Bobo. My children all 'enjoyed' my support without my having to be omnipresent- and all three of them got unconditional offers to the universities of their choice, and the eldest has graduated 2:1 in Law this year and is working in a good job with excellent prospects - they are far from academic or social failures.

I think it is important to teach children to study independently - you are not going to be there, in Halls with them, supervising their every move - and if they haven't learned how to self-start, self-motivate, and study independently, they may well struggle. I taught all three boys independence, and am proud to have done so.

Can you not accept that all children are different, all families are different, and therefore there is no'one size fits all' approach to supporting one's children through exams? Or are you so arrogant that you really think your way is the only right way?

There's some hilarious guff on this thread. My DSD changed from scheduled access to flexible as and when she wanted at 16. She had a life and wanted to socialise with her friends, get a PT job and enjoy her growing independence.

She's doing a PhD at the mo after being more than a bit stellar in her exams and all without routine and scheduled access. Bobochic, you cheeky little monkey you with your froufrou ideas.

OP, you're fighting a losing battle, but I agree with the PP who suggested you start making arrangements to do stuff and let your DH know what a shame he isn't joining in due to his crazy access schedule for grown up children.