Adult DSC being treated like small children - I'm struggling

[PhoneFaced]

DH has 2 children to his ex. They are now 18 and 20 years old. Both are treated like much younger children and it's starting to drive me batty.

His youngest isn't as bad but the 20 year old -

He's never had a job in his life. Wasted 3 years at college on daft courses and then after securing a place at uni, decided to 'take a year out'. Not traveling or gaining experience ... just a year 'out'. So he stays in bed until lunch time daily and spends his life on computer games. All he ever talks about is the latest computer game or the marvel movie - it's like talking to a small child constantly.

He still keeps up with weekly access meaning dad picks him up every saturday and drops him home every sunday. At 20, it all seems a bit not quite right. What really shocked me last weekend was that DH said he'd have him friday this week as there is something going on in town that he wants to take him to and the lad said "yes sure, I'll ask mum if its ok". He's 20 years old!!!!!

He has no friends, no hobbies, never goes anywhere unless he's getting ferried about by a parent - it's just tedious.

On a selfish note, I'm sick to death of having to dedicate every bloody weekend to entertaining a 20 year old man. Like I say, he's here EVERY saturday night and it's not like he's a normal 20 year old that goes out or entertains himself, he needs entertaining like a child. On top of that, DH won't go out because he's here meaning I'm literally having to wipe off every weekend. I feel like now that our kids are adults, we should have our weekends back like any normal couple but DH is still of the opinion that weekends should be dedicated soley to his kids, even though they're adults.

I mean, if it's like this now and the lad shows no signs whatsoever of growing up, developing interests or going to uni / work etc it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future, isn't it?

bobo if you attribute a strict routine and non-existent social life for your DSS's success, how will his grades fare once he's settled into life at Uni?

I'd rather my DD achieves less then "stellar" results and spends time developing the skills to balance work and life.

My DD is 50:50 between me and her dad, and it's absurd, IMO and IME, to insist on strict schedules at the expense of non-academic opportunities. Exams and grades are not the be all and end all and one of the advantages of having two families is the extended opportunities and experiences the DCs have. Restricting that in order to maximise academic attainment is blinkered, IMO.

SouthAmerican - like DSS1's - same regime - who is top of his year for the 2nd time

I think it's got very little at all to do with grades. My DSD has had a healthy social life the last few years and contract has been flexible because of this. She's just achieved fantastic A level results. DSS meanwhile lacks social skills and very rarely goes out, so comes at the same time every week. His GCSE results were good, but not as good as DSd's.

Teens who want a social life will tend to demand a more flexible approach to when you see them. Stay-at-home types won't. But either type can do fine academically unless their social life is really extreme.

It's one thing having a schedule but it's quite another to curtail your social life to the extent that you stay in every weekend, even missing wedding receptions, for close to a decade. If someone fails their A-levels because their parents went out on the occasional Saturday night then there is something very wrong.

Besides which, the 'boy' is 20 and not in education so it's difficult to argue that his Dad and DSM going to a festival is going to have any impact on him.

In our case, the strict rota was due to the fact that the ex insisted on it (as she knew it caused DH some real logistical headaches), DSS also insisted on it, because our house was the only 'change of scene/entertainment' he participated in, and DH was terrified of rocking the boat with his ex in case she stopped contact, and he was too Disney to ever say 'no' to DSS. Try unpicking all that ...... Grades didn't come into it.

But I think the OP is witnessing some weird dependency between her husband and his son; I'm not sure what you'd call it, but it does seem to occur with non resident parents and their children. The father seems almost desperate to be needed in his 'dad' role, and at some level fears the apron strings being loosened.

I saw elements of this with my DH and his son.

But where will it end for the OP? Will man-child still be coming over for access visits when he's 25? 30? I think it's up to her DH to break the cycle, but when he's so defensive it's impossible to negotiate.

So I agree with the poster who suggested the OP arranged a few weekend trips of her own, and see if that makes her DH think. I hope he realises that he's missing out. However a small part of me fears he won't mind her absence, just so long as he can continue his unhealthy obsession with his adult son.

IMO and IME a strict schedule, in every sense of the word, is key to academic success and we did not mind staying at home most evenings and holidays in the critical period.

Bobo, what do you consider as 'the critical period"?

For us, the critical period was the last two years of school. But it will depend on which syllabus / exam schedule you are on.

I Still don't understand why sticking to a strict access rota will help with A Level grades? Surely children can still see both parents, albeit on a flexible basis, without school work suffering?

I'd rather my DD could cope without me in the house for an evening or two than achieve "top of the year" status.

Academic achievement is all very well, but it doesn't replace life skills - time management, flexibility between homes, making choices and being self-sufficient, are key learning opportunities.

I'm not prepared to martyr myself just to secure bragging rights about my DD; as long as she's happy, healthy and doing well, whether she is top of the year, or "average" amongst her peers, really isn't a concern and certainly has very limited value in real life.

I think I would couch things in terms of "I feel that im missing out on a social life, so Im going to go to X festival next weekend"

"But I dont want to take DSS to that"

"Thats fine - you stay with him, but I need to get out and do more with my life".

Next weekend "Im going to X movie tomorrow night"
"great DSS would like that"
"No, sorry, I need a social life that doesnt include him. I would like it to include you, but if you need to be with DSS, then thats OK."

Next weekend: "I'm meeting Mike and Jen on Saturday night for a meal at X restaurant". "oh, am I not invited? " well no, I assume you will be in with DSS - but it would be lovely for us to spend the evening together with other adults for company. "

Next weekend:

"I'm going to the theatre with Angie on Saturday - shall I invite the kids over SUnday for a big brunch?"

Start filling up your calendar with events, and politely decline to include DSS, but make it OK for him to stop in with DSS and spend time with him. Make it his choice, but make sure you are busy every Saturday night - while still making time for the kids once a month.

Invite DH to everything, but do not allow DSS to attend too - tell him its OK to spend time with DSS, but you don't want to - you want a life.

You need to make the effort though - contact your mates, arrange drinks and nibbles at theirs, or cinema or meals or even just a night at the pub. Let your friends know why you will be solo.

DH will get bored sitting at home, watching you get glammed up and go out every weekend, coming home all gushy about what a great time you had.

So what is he going to do on his year out? Are his parents encouraging him to find a job? Who is supporting him financially?

I understand how frustrating it must be for you. Doesn't your dh want his son to become independent and sociable? It's ridiculous.

I agree totally with Fanny's advice - arrange things for the weekend, that include your DH if he wants to go, but give him the choice, and put the ball in his court. I just hope he chooses wisely ......

Petal - if the flexibility resides with a (responsible) child, perhaps. But if the flexibility resides with a/the adult(s), the child will lose control over their schedule - and that will in all probability have a deleterious effect.

bobo did neither of your DSS desire flexibility? Want to stay with mum one weekend because something special was happening? Or ask to spend an extra weekend with you to fit in with something you'd all like to do together?

And did you really decline wedding invitations on their weekends with you in order to avoid leaving them "home alone"?

It all sounds rather regimented to me - surely, it is a parents responsibility to teach their DC the skills of flexibility and adaptability - not manage their environment so strictly that they have never had to deal with last minute changes or alterations?

If they are equally happy and welcome in both homes, with suitable facilities for study in both, then why should being at Dads house instead of mums house be any different from having an unexpected free period to study in the Library?

The DSSs were desperate for clarity and stability in a situation where their mother wanted 100% flexibility for her.

Yes of course we declined weddings/Bar Mitsvas/50th birthday parties/weekends away etc. It really isn't realistic to put your social life ahead of high stakes school/exam years.

Bobo - so it was a case of "sorry we can't attend your wedding, I'm baby-sitting my 17yr old" ???? Does anyone else think this is insane? My DH, and the OP's DH would probably think this is sensible though.

And as an afterthought - Bobo: if your attendance at a wedding reception had made your children/stepchildren flunk their exams, then there's clearly something very wrong in your household!

I should add that during my sixth form years, my mum worked funny hours as a staff nurse, and (step) dad was away a lot with the forces. I still got three good passes though.

By the time they reached the last two years of school, all three of my does we're self-motivated, and I had very little input in their academic time-tabling - or their social time-tabling either, to be honest.

One got an unconditional offer to read law, got a 2:1 and has just started his dream post-grad job. The second got an unconditional offer to read applied maths, and is half way through, and doing well - he's also learning to be a hockey umpire and has umpired for the Brazilian national men's team. The third left yesterday to take up his unconditional place to read Geography.

None of them needed a strict timetable to ensure academic success - and I think our way meant they were better prepared for university study.

Re. the OP's problem - I think Fanny's plan is the best one - though I would love to take her she on one side and tell him how he is ruining his son and alienating his wife, and that he needs to start teaching his son to be a grown up.

All three of mine have been working over the summer, labouring for friends of mine. They have worked hard, and I am proud of them. How can this man be proud of his son? What has he achieved?

Bobo - so it was a case of "sorry we can't attend your wedding, I'm baby-sitting my 17yr old" ???? Does anyone else think this is insane?

Yes.

We don't "babysit" our DC in any circumstances. We keep one another company and support one another as necessary. None of our good friends would be surprised that parents prioritise supporting DC in critical periods over their social life. We nevertheless know plenty of parents who don't prioritise their DC and those DC are less successful and less independent in the works at large. DC don't bring themselves up.

We didn't parent that way, Bobo - and I have three very independent, high achieving sons. Three unconditional university places, one 2:1, an excellent job with serious prospects, and two more aiming for good results too. Self motivating, self-starting, hard working - sons to be proud of.

It is ridiculous to suggest that there is only one way to,parent successful children - all children are different, all families are different, and so there must be different, equally successful approaches.

Seriously can't imagine turning down a wedding invitation to keep a 17 yo, who is revising anyway, 'company'. I would feel like an absolute tool if my parents did that to me.

Jesus wept, the extent to which some parents over-invest in their children's education is staggering

My mother didn't feel the need to flap around me or rearrange her social life so she was consistently present when I had exams. I still managed 4 A grades at A level and a first class degree.

Teenagers shouldn't be expected to "support" their parents (or step parents) certainly not keep them company. The reciprocity you imply exposes your own emotional needs, and it borders on abusive to expect a child to meet them.

Teens are hard-wired to reject their parents - it's basic biology. If your adult DSSs haven't yet done so, then I suggest you prepare yourself for that in the next few years. Otherwise, your future DILs will be writing about their over-invested step-MIL on the relationship pages of MN!