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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Adult DSC being treated like small children - I'm struggling

106 replies

PhoneFaced · 04/09/2015 10:17

DH has 2 children to his ex. They are now 18 and 20 years old. Both are treated like much younger children and it's starting to drive me batty.

His youngest isn't as bad but the 20 year old -

He's never had a job in his life. Wasted 3 years at college on daft courses and then after securing a place at uni, decided to 'take a year out'. Not traveling or gaining experience ... just a year 'out'. So he stays in bed until lunch time daily and spends his life on computer games. All he ever talks about is the latest computer game or the marvel movie - it's like talking to a small child constantly.

He still keeps up with weekly access meaning dad picks him up every saturday and drops him home every sunday. At 20, it all seems a bit not quite right. What really shocked me last weekend was that DH said he'd have him friday this week as there is something going on in town that he wants to take him to and the lad said "yes sure, I'll ask mum if its ok". He's 20 years old!!!!!

He has no friends, no hobbies, never goes anywhere unless he's getting ferried about by a parent - it's just tedious.

On a selfish note, I'm sick to death of having to dedicate every bloody weekend to entertaining a 20 year old man. Like I say, he's here EVERY saturday night and it's not like he's a normal 20 year old that goes out or entertains himself, he needs entertaining like a child. On top of that, DH won't go out because he's here meaning I'm literally having to wipe off every weekend. I feel like now that our kids are adults, we should have our weekends back like any normal couple but DH is still of the opinion that weekends should be dedicated soley to his kids, even though they're adults.

I mean, if it's like this now and the lad shows no signs whatsoever of growing up, developing interests or going to uni / work etc it's going to be like this for the foreseeable future, isn't it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

BoboChic · 06/09/2015 22:43

Oh honesty, the crap some people are able to invent in order to find excuses for wriggling out of supporting their DCs is mind boggling

HamaTime · 06/09/2015 23:16

How is missing a wedding to keep a 17 yo company, being supportive? It's weirdly pressuring.

BoboChic · 06/09/2015 23:29

Another one

We are a lot more interested in academics than weddings in this household!

DelphiniumBlue · 06/09/2015 23:52

Sounds as if DSS is suffering from depression, and DH probably knows this, which is why he wants to keep him company. And it would be a bit odd to have him over and then go out.
I do get that you want time alone together, but it sounds as if you get that most of the week, including Fridays. Most of the parents of DC this age that I know, do include them in their social life ( although not all of them want to be included all the time), so that if they are going to , say the cinema, they may well go as a family.Or if they are going to the pub or seeing friends, then the DC do sometimes come along too. And really what difference does it make who goes to see a film with you?
It's more of a worry that he's not doing anything with his life. Can you encourage him to get work so that when he's at university next year he has some spending money? Or voluntary work, or a short course in something? Maybe driving lessons to give him a bit more independence? I'm wondering if living in a village with his Mum leaves him a bit cut off, is it somewhere with poor public transport links?
There are clearly issues with your DH, missing a wedding because of childcare for a 17 year old sounds like an excuse. He probably wants to keep playing the "Dad" role, hence lifts etc, but part of his job as a dad is to foster independence - he's not really doing him any favours to keep babying him like this.

anklebitersmum · 07/09/2015 01:42

Sounds to me as though DSS is just a bit of a nerd and probably very socially awkward.

The lack of a peer group and the amount of online time would worry me though, especially if he's playing the real-time chatting with other warlocks or inter-galactic heroes type games. They are incredibly addictive (check out Destiny and online-gaming addiction on google, it's horrifying) and if he is sleeping in until the afternoon I would suspect he's up all night gaming, socially interacting on a fantasy plane where he is quite the hero.

I agree with a lot of the other posters that you need to actively book-up your weekends with fun activities which DH and DSS are more than welcome to attend, but not essential to. Not least as if you can find a social environment where DSS has the chance to communicate with his own age group you might see a different side to him-he might even want to go out on his own with new found friends on a Saturday, leaving the way clear for a date night for you.

I genuinely think that you and DH need a good chat though-seems that DSS is sleep-walking his way through this 'gap year' with no clear direction. The lack of a job (even part-time) is a very bad sign in my humble opinion-where does he get his money from? Is he contributing to his Mum's household beyond living in it? What are his long term goals? Why doesn't DH want to leave him to it for an evening? Have these questions been brought up? Perhaps on one of their nights in together Dad could have this chat with him? Maybe if you approach this from an 'I'm worried about him' perspective with DH, rather than a 'He needs to get-a-grip, grow up and stop being such a ten year old' front you might get a more positive response?

SouthAmericanCuisine · 07/09/2015 07:17

We are a lot more interested in academics than weddings in this household!

Which is a value I never want to teach my DD - her relationships with people are far more important than her grades

I imagine it's not a dilemma you face often, though - I'm sure your social circle avoid extending invites to you during these "critical" years.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 07/09/2015 07:23

Most of the parents of DC this age that I know, do include them in their social life ( although not all of them want to be included all the time), so that if they are going to , say the cinema, they may well go as a family.Or if they are going to the pub or seeing friends, then the DC do sometimes come along too.

I must know some very unusual 20 year olds then - they're too busy with their own lives to socialise with their parents; many of them live miles away from their parents and have set up home on their own!

Regardless of the age of the DC, a threesome trip to the cinema would be very different from a date with just my DH; we snuggle, giggle and smooch when we're out together - a third person, whoever they are, changes the dynamics completely!

HamaTime · 07/09/2015 07:28

We are a lot more interested in academics than weddings in this household!

You think people go to weddings because they are 'interested' in them? Nothing to do with being part of a community? Nothing to do with social ritual? Nothing to do with celebration? Nothing to do with the sheer bad manners involved in telling people who you know well enough to be invited to their wedding that you don't give a fuck that they are getting married?

Almost everybody has something that they are more 'interested' in than weddings, even if it's just watching casualty but you don't just blow people off for no reason and babysitting a revising 17 yo is not a reason.

maybebabybee · 07/09/2015 08:36

We are a lot more interested in academics than weddings in this household!

But I don't understand why you need to be constantly flapping around your DC when they have exams....do they not know how to revise or something?!

BoboChic · 07/09/2015 09:15

What kind of community is it if "social ritual" is the motivation? I'm interested in communities where learning and development and moving forward together are the drivers of cohesion.

Patchworkpatty · 07/09/2015 09:45

Just gobsmacked by Bobochic words fail me...poor kids. There's helicopter parenting and then complete insanity. 8 children here, 3 at uni. 2 at Oxbridge another at Russell group. Haven't had any input into their studying since it all got a bit above my head at abt 15yrs. As for staying in to keep revising teens 'company' - sod that ! Dh and I rather like to spend time with each other and teens would freak out and think us just plain weird. All that aside, if I had to make a choice between high flying academic adult-children with limited social skills and reliance on parents well into twenties or self confident/self reliant academically average kids, to me it's a no brainier. All I really want for our DC's is happiness and 4 A's at A'level certainly do not ensure that !
Meanwhile back to,the OP question, I have a 'theory' about babyish/childish behaviour from step children. (My three youngest dsc are like this - 15,13&11) there is a weird dynamic here. They are treated like toddlers by their dm, not allowed out without an adult (despite travelling to school on their own) rigidly sticking to rota, NEVER doing normal age stuff like on line media, fb/snap chat ( not that I am a fan of it but it is 'normal' at that age) - instead they come over and literally sit on his lap, bring cuddly toys watch cartoons and never let him out of their sight...this leads him to parent them in a way that assumes they are younger than they are. It has taken quite an effort to point out that he is perpetuating this behaviour. - but made easier by pointing out that the 15yr old is actually 6 weeks OLDER than my youngest, who he has never given a second thought to leaving at home alone since she was at secondary. Yes, he too thinks he is being neglectful to leave a 15, 13 and 12yr old at home rather than round the supermarket with us ! I believe it is a combination of mother 'keeping them young' ( all the time they are little kids, she is still able to exert control over him. We have had nearly a decade of threats of withdrawal of contact - she tried to do this with the eldest of his children, still trying to dictate when she could or couldn't see us -at 18yrs old) and of course the children themselves enjoy the attention to be gained from 'being little'. I have made a huge effort to 'mature them'. - showing them how to get into town on the bus when they are with us - then sending them off on errands to buy things I have forgotten. - planning occasional evenings out when they are with us. Telling them in advance, so THEY are responsible for amusing themselves/arranging friends to sleep over/go on sleepovers/ anything that doesn't mean they are attached to parents hip. It's hard going and met with great hostility from the other side as they are 'too young' to be left even with a babysitter for 3 hrs.. But hey, someone has to cut the apron strings and allow them to mature into socially able young adults and tbf the dps are still so wrapped up in hostility/guilt, it is never going to happen.

maybebabybee · 07/09/2015 09:56

TBH if my mum had hovered round my shoulders while I was trying to revise I probably would have told her to bog off.

Petal02 · 07/09/2015 10:22

Patch I'm glad it's not just me who has noticed a strange dynamic which infantilises children with separated parents.

BoboChic · 07/09/2015 10:30

There is a curious and incorrect conflation of issues here. It does not infantilise DC to enjoy the support of their parents in achieving their life goals: it empowers them to do so. Our DC are anything but infantilised - they are exceptionally mature and accomplished because they have been properly supported to become so.

Petal02 · 07/09/2015 10:33

Bobo: Supported? Suffocated more like ...

maybebabybee · 07/09/2015 10:35

Bobo but you do realise there are many of us here who manage to have decent A levels, degrees, and a good level of maturity without having been helicopter parented?

lorelei9 · 07/09/2015 10:37

OP - what a mare!

I see why you're frustrated and it doesn't do the DSS any favours, having his parents treat him like that.

In terms of saving your own sanity, can Saturday night now be your night to see your friends etc? You are not part of this conspiracy to infantilise him so I don't see why your social life should suffer.

titchy · 07/09/2015 10:38

Support is one thing, actively avoiding weddings - a fairly major occasion, in case you might need to make your 17 year old a cup of tea whilst they're revising is completely off the scale barmy!

Support for most parents is providing a warm quiet place to revise, the tools with which to revise, an offer to help them learn vocab if they want, moral encouragement, a shoulder to cry on if it all goes tits up. None of that requires a 24-7 presence.

What do you intend to do once they're at university and doing end of year exams? Install yourself in the library with them next to you while you smile inanely...?

and I find it quite sad that the only sort of community you regard as worthwhile is one in which learning is taking place.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 07/09/2015 10:39

Our DC are anything but infantilised - they are exceptionally mature and accomplished because they have been properly supported to become so.

bobo - you say that they are "mature and accomplished" but that is NOT natural, typical or desirable in a teenager.

The fact that you view your teen stepsons as equal companions who offer reciprocal support is not something to be proud of. They have failed to experience a critical emotional stage of growing up, and will undoubtedly struggle at some point in adulthood as a result.

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 10:39

It can happen, Petal; it doesn't always happen.

Divorced here, with very independent, hardworking and high achieving children. Being there for them when they need you is one thing and yes, if their desperate need fell on a day I was going to a party then I wouldn't go to the party, but I can't imagine what that desperate need would be at 9 pm on a Saturday night. They were organised enough with their revision that they'd be switching off themselves on a Saturday night. The only kind of desperate need I can think of would be if they suffered from depression and couldn't cope at that time or if they were otherwise ill.

I am all for academic work being given a high standing, but equal to that is independence and the ability to plan and the ability to socialise and to cope with some time alone. Without the latter, the former will count for nothing.

ImperialBlether · 07/09/2015 10:42

I'm laughing at exceptionally mature but having to refuse a wedding invitation because you know your young adult child can't cope without you for a few hours.

HawkEyeTheNoo · 07/09/2015 11:02

Jeezo bobo, my DS and DSD are 11, they go to their gran if DP and I have an engagement where DC are not invited, we don't decline because we like to share in the celebrations of our friends. Our DC are very sociable and are top of the class at school and each school report comes back with "caring, helpful, polite, well mannered and very popular", but most of all they are kids, happy, they play, they go out, they have tantrums on occasion but are full of joy. I would hate to bring them up in what seems to me a regime, it's seems stifling and to be honest a bit odd. I think your posts say more about your social skills or lack of than anything else

BoboChic · 07/09/2015 11:03

There's nothing wrong with working on a Saturday night. There is nothing intrinsically special about Saturday night and lots of very vacuous and dull socialising happens then.

Trends at university are very much away from the empty drinking culture and towards purposeful social activities.

maybebabybee · 07/09/2015 11:05

Trends at university are very much away from the empty drinking culture and towards purposeful social activities.

Eh?

Petal02 · 07/09/2015 11:08

I've no idea which planet you're on Bobo, but I suspect it's not this one!

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