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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What's fair here - blended family and shared car

37 replies

teensteps1 · 29/08/2015 08:05

We have 2 x 17 year olds in our house. My ds and my dsd.

Both intend to go to uni. We have bought them a little car to share. Dsd has passed her test, ds is currently learning.

The problem is that dsd visits her mum every other weekend in the next town. Both towns are rural and no public transport in the evenings.

Dsd mum doesn't contribute anything financially but is now refusing to give dsd lifts anywhere citing her having "her own" car as reason not to give her lifts anymore.

Of course, if the car is at mums all weekend, it's not able to be shared by ds, likewise if it's at ours all weekend, dsd doesn't get the use of it either.

So what's the answer? She's currently asking us to keep picking her up from mums so she can come back and use the car, which is upsetting our plans for the weekends. She likes driving and is always driving all her friends around (despite many of them now able to drive too).

Dp did originally suggest a one week on and one week off rota for the car, but the reality is that currently ds is using it each weekend to drive to his driving lesson with me, so I'd have to give up doing that once a fortnight. It also means that she might not be using it but my ds can't either as its "her" weekend.

I am keen to encourage her to see her mum and her brother rather than her mates and allowing her to stay at ours just to get use if the car doesn't seem right either. I also like a bit of time without her so that dp and I can have an evening / day / weekend out without worrying about a house full of teens - she's very sociable.

What's the answer that's fair to everyone? A strict fortnightly rota? A swap over of the car on a Saturday night dsd is at mums (meaning we can't go out), ad hoc arrangements which means I'm never sure how many kids will be at home (dsd likes to invite friends round quite often).

Any ideas would be apprecied?

OP posts:

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Buttercup27 · 29/08/2015 08:08

I think you need to wait until ds passes his test and buy another car. I don't think sharing will work.

Original poster

teensteps1 · 29/08/2015 08:10

That would cost another £3000 which we haven't got. Also, they're both going to uni so won't need a car from next autumn onwards. We need to find a solution til then.

OP posts:

lucidlady · 29/08/2015 08:11

Fortnightly rota is the only real solution then.

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 29/08/2015 08:15

As it's only a short term dilemma, I would go for the fortnightly rota... One weekend DSD gets to take the car and one weekend DS gets the car.

wheelycote · 29/08/2015 08:15

Could they have the car alternate weekends to each other. Dsd gets to see her mum (although the normal routine has to change) and Ds also gets the use of the car at a weekend.

Very tricky though....wouldn't it be worth getting two cheap bangers...

MythicalKings · 29/08/2015 08:18

DSD's mother doesn't seem very keen to see her. Ask DSD what she suggests, bearing in mind the car has to be shared.

Original poster

teensteps1 · 29/08/2015 08:21

It's not the car, that's the problem, it's £1800 to insure both in an old banger but £1200 and £1800 each on two cars plus the cost of another car and upkeep etc. Seems a very expensive solution to ensure the kids get a social life once a fortnight!

OP posts:

lunar1 · 29/08/2015 08:31

The only way is for them to have it alternate weekends.

Scoobydoo8 · 29/08/2015 08:32

Is DS sitting test in the car? I paid for lessons for the DCs - I think it's quicker in the long run and an old banger is prob harder to drive than a new small instructor's car. He needs to pass his test then week about as driver of the car. They can still drive each other about.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 29/08/2015 08:37

I think first, I'd say the car belongs to your household, though it is primarily for the use of the children. Therefore, it does not go to mum's house. It stays at your house.

As for mum refusing to do any of the driving, what are the terms of shared residence. The fact that your household has an extra car now has no impact on those terms.

Finally, are the children contributing money for petrol or insurance?

Maybe83 · 29/08/2015 08:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

teensteps1 · 29/08/2015 08:47

Ds is using the car for practice but having proper driving lessons in an instructors car. His use of the car is currently minimal (once or twice a week) because he's learning and has to be with me. Dsd has used it virtually every day since she passed except at times ds and I need it. Dsd did have a Saturday job but recently got laid off so has been paying for petrol (I pay for ds contribution as we did for dsd until she passed too). Once he passes he's been told he has to pay petrol like dsd. Once dsd money runs out, she won't have use of the car unless she can pay for petrol.

The trouble is if I say the car belongs to our household, she won't see her mum or brother. She will see her social life as more important. Also ds is less organised about his social life so I envisage her having been used to more or less unlimited access booking the car up lots and him deciding to see his mates on the spur of the moment and there being never a car for him.

OP posts:

IconicTonic · 29/08/2015 08:49

I would either set a rota that she takes it every other weekend that she sees her Mum or I'd tell them to decide between themselves. They are 17 so they ought to be able to negotiate a deal with one another.

Buttercup27 · 29/08/2015 08:51

What about having time slots. Draw up an empty grid with mon-sun am,pm or day and evening. Laminate it. If/when the dc want or need the car write their name in the time slot.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 29/08/2015 08:59

The trouble is if I say the car belongs to our household, she won't see her mum or brother.

Why would she have the choice? I would have thought, the car is a nice treat when she is at her dad's house.

Sounds like you need an every other week situation once both are licensed. The weekend she is visiting her mum is a handy weekend for it to be her step brother's turn.

Christelle2207 · 29/08/2015 09:03

Until ds passes his test, is there no way he can have lessons during the week? My instructor used to pick me up from school and I drove home by way of a lesson. That would mean dsd could have it at weekends, though you would need to factor in practicing time for your ds somewhere.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/08/2015 09:05

I like the idea of asking them to share it and arrange things between themselves. Not without it's problems but good practice for life?!
Congrats to them and you that they're both off to Uni soon

MrsLeighHalfpenny · 29/08/2015 09:08

Put a booking system on the fridge. It will become obvious who is using the car most. You keep the keys, and if car not booked in advance, one has to have permission from other to use it.

But two 17 year olds sharing a car? Did you really think that would work?
you should have seen this coming

Hissy · 29/08/2015 09:16

When she ones to her mums, it could be good practice for ds to drive her, with you as supervisor. Then he can have the car for practice and ds goes to pick her up.

The car needs to stay at home as its a family resource. Your dsd has use of it when at home, but no monopolisation at weekends. No staying away with the car

A first dibs rota effectively allowing each to book the car is the best option, you could also alternate preferences ie ds has assumed use unless he's not using it and dsd has to ask to use it if he's not and then vice versa the following week.

If dsd is running people all over the shop, she needs to tie petrol money. It's not her car to run down.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 29/08/2015 09:26

I like Hissy's ideas.

AugustDay · 29/08/2015 09:35

I think I'd just bumble along and see how it goes. Having a strict rota seems a bit OTT.

It's important that your DS has his lessons but is it possible to switch the times? Could his lesson end up at your DdS's mums house and then she can run him home?

Yellowpansies · 29/08/2015 09:37

I'd try to get DS's lessons moved to a midweek slot. Then maybe allow her to have one weekend in four when she can take the car to her mum's, one weekend in four when she goes without it, and that leaves the other two weekends when they're both at yours and can share

DinosaursRoar · 29/08/2015 09:55

How sad, does DSD's mum realise she's going to lose contact with her DD? I would say it's a house resource, so stays at your house - but you could have a rota that says DSD gets it at her mum's every other weekend she's there (so one weekend a month it's gone altogether.)

It could be that DSD's Mum needs to see that actually, her DD will vote with her feet if DSD's Mum makes it hard for DSD to spend time with her. If she wants a relationshp with her DD she'll have to make a bit of effort...

This is only a short term issue until next October when they go, or sooner when DS passes his test and can have a more 50/50 rota - but realistically, if you are going to have a spare car at your house, seem to be accomodating to give the DCs lifts to meet friends/let them borrow your car etc, then once they go to uni, DSD's Mum's house isn't going to be the house DSD choses to stay in when she comes back for holidays/weekends. Perhaps DSD's Mum needs a short sharp shock about how little she'll see of her DD now she's almost an adult if she's not prepared to make it easy for her, better now then when she's gone to uni and never quite gets round to visiting her mother for months at a time...

Realistically, if you are going to decide to live in a rural location with limited public transport, you either resign yourself to ferrying around your DCs, or give them access to a car (as you have) or you resign yourself to the fact your DCs won't spend much time with you once they've got an alternative like Uni - and in your case, your DSD has the alternative to her mum's house of her dads.

AyeAmarok · 29/08/2015 09:58

Strict week by week rota, and it must be handed over with a full tank of fuel.

Any breach and they lose a week, so the other person gets 3 weeks.

Original poster

teensteps1 · 29/08/2015 11:11

Thanks for all the suggestions.

I think there are two scenarios, the first being before ds passes his test and the second being after.

At the moment, dsd has unlimited use except for each Saturday afternoon and (generally) a weds night which means she's very used to having the car. She doesnt infringe on ds time but it's so limited right now, she's not really being impacted on. Dsd learnt on a Saturday with the same instructor, so we are doing the same for ds. Ds does a long school day, so don't really think it's as good to swap to a weekday for lessons as he'd be getting less practice than dsd had, which doesn't seem fair and frees up the car for dsd to use all weekend every weekend.

Of course we knew there would be issues and compromises to be made, it would be hard enough with two teens without adding in the blended family dynamics.

If we leave them to sort it out themselves, I suspect dsd will be more organised and just book the car all the time. When ds does think about going out, he'll just realise that dsd has it booked so will just shrug his shoulders and not go out. There's distinct differences in personality in this way. I'd like to think he might become more organised but I know he won't!

We had said they could use it one week on and one week off for getting to and from school once they both pass but in the meantime she will have it every week.

I'm really aware it's not her fault her mum won't help her out, but it's also not our fault or ds fault either. She has a full brother who doesn't see us, so going to mums is the time she sees him. So it's impacting on him too if dsd stops going.

I think we are going to have to do a one week on and one week off rota once ds passes with maybe exceptions for important events (of course, dsd sees all her socialising as important!).

Both dp and I see ds using the car to learn as v important particularly as dsd has already had that privilege. So that needs to stay.

The reason she wants the car this weekend is to go to a friends and watch dvd's and chauffeur a load of friends there. Maybe that shouldn't be a priority?

To whoever said about our choice to live rurally, without giving too much away, dp has a career that can only be done rurally. We certainly wouldn't be an a position to fund a car if he was t working rurally.

We are both prepared to give lifts to either of them if the other has the car, but of course, this isn't fair on dsd if she's at mums because no one there will help her.

The other issue is mum asking her for lifts when the car is at mums and dsd paying for it. Yes, this has already happened.

I'm considering telling her if she wants the car, she has to stay at ours but ultimately that just gives her a free reign on the car whilst going to mums could be used as a way of getting her to actually go without the "shared" car sometimes.

I don't think there's an easy solution and I also think I'm a bit scared of upsetting dsd as she's not mine, there's always that extra layer that goes with step situations.

OP posts:

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