What's fair here - blended family and shared car

[teensteps1]

We have 2 x 17 year olds in our house. My ds and my dsd.

Both intend to go to uni. We have bought them a little car to share. Dsd has passed her test, ds is currently learning.

The problem is that dsd visits her mum every other weekend in the next town. Both towns are rural and no public transport in the evenings.

Dsd mum doesn't contribute anything financially but is now refusing to give dsd lifts anywhere citing her having "her own" car as reason not to give her lifts anymore.

Of course, if the car is at mums all weekend, it's not able to be shared by ds, likewise if it's at ours all weekend, dsd doesn't get the use of it either.

So what's the answer? She's currently asking us to keep picking her up from mums so she can come back and use the car, which is upsetting our plans for the weekends. She likes driving and is always driving all her friends around (despite many of them now able to drive too).

Dp did originally suggest a one week on and one week off rota for the car, but the reality is that currently ds is using it each weekend to drive to his driving lesson with me, so I'd have to give up doing that once a fortnight. It also means that she might not be using it but my ds can't either as its "her" weekend.

I am keen to encourage her to see her mum and her brother rather than her mates and allowing her to stay at ours just to get use if the car doesn't seem right either. I also like a bit of time without her so that dp and I can have an evening / day / weekend out without worrying about a house full of teens - she's very sociable.

What's the answer that's fair to everyone? A strict fortnightly rota? A swap over of the car on a Saturday night dsd is at mums (meaning we can't go out), ad hoc arrangements which means I'm never sure how many kids will be at home (dsd likes to invite friends round quite often).

Any ideas would be apprecied?

Do you see the DCs leaving home soon for uni or work?
For me as one left home the other got more use of the car. I'd be tempted to leave them to get on with it as long as they paid the petrol. It's up to DS to stand up for what he wants, if he won't then too bad. My DS was very easy osey but once DD had left home he drove friends round a lot.
You don't want to be in the middle of sibling wars.

I had DDs not one DD, and one DS. Maybe that made me more likely to leave them to it.

They're the same age, so they're going next year.

I think once your son has passed his test, they should carve out the week between them.

Wait til DS passes his test and then he can accompany DSD to her mum's and drive the car back. The car stays at your house for both to share at your house. DSD only drives to her mum's when DS can drive it back. Why should her mum have the benefit of the car?

When DS has passed his test, you can do the fridge booking rota thing, but with babysitting circle chips - they get 50 a month, 1 chip per hour except on Fri/Sat night or after midnight any other day when it's 2 chips (or something)

The problem is if it takes ages for DS to pass and DSD gets used to the status quo.

So before she had the use of the car how did the visiting her Mum work???

I like Hissy's idea too. It is household shared car - and if DSD or her mum are being funny about seeing each other - that is out of the realms of your control. It doesn't seem fair that the car goes off with anyone regularly. The priority for the car seems to be to get them to learn to drive, and then practice - so it wouldn't seem fair for DS to have to lose out every two weeks for his lessons just because DSDs own mum isn't sorting out her weekend herself.

Can your dS take dsd to her mums, and collect her then the has use of the car and she sees her mum?

If DSD chooses to pay for the fuel to drive her mum around when she's got the car, what does it matter to you.

I agree with the poster who said alternative weeks and you hand it over with a full tank of fuel.

You might also consider getting them to pay per mile towards MOT, service, upkeep etc - might make DSD think twice about being taxi service to all her friends?

Dsd got a lift from us before she passed or got the bus from school. We have no problem giving her a lift but the problem is she's literally at mums for half a day before she wants to use the car. I gave her a lift yesterday to mums but she wanted to come home this morning to get the car, give it back for ds driving lesson, then take it tonight, then keep it at mums til tomorrow night....

As for using the car to drive mum around. I don't actually mind as long as the fuel is paid but of course, it's ok for dsd to give mum a lift but mum is often "too busy" to give dsd a lift and has never done any driving for contact purposes. So it does grate a bit, more so for dp than me, tbh. Also, there has never been any maintenance paid for dsd.

I'm probably being a mean old bag and I don't have experience of teens yet but....

....I'd cancel insurance, split that cost and give them both £900 and tell them to invest/use it for transport as they see fit. They can work and save and buy/rent/borrow the car from you and cover their own insurance (plus all running costs) or have a good run on mini cabs.

It just sounds like such a headache to sort out use fairly when neither of them needs a car (am assuming you have some public transport but apologies if I am mistaken). But mostly if it still means they both need extensive use of Mum and Dad cabs then I'd throw in the towel and wait until they are a little older or circs are more straightforward.