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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How do you cope when you need your own space?

29 replies

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:00

I am struggling with dsd who has gone from 50/50 to only seeing her mum eow.

She's here All The Time. Her friends are here at the time. We've got a tiny house with only one open living area and she's always in it with her friends.

I feel like i am not coping with it. I am such an introvert. I am just starting to cry a lot. I feel completely overwhelmed.

How do I deal with this? I feel as though I need somewhere to hide but unless I spend my life in bed, there's no option to do this. Help!?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 21/08/2015 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:11

She doesn't want them in her room. Although her room is big. She just wants to have the run of the sitting room.

OP posts:

Bellemere · 21/08/2015 08:12

I send them to play in their room or the garden, or I use my phone to watch TV in my room - this is for my DC and my DSC.

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:12

They are all 16-17

OP posts:

Bellemere · 21/08/2015 08:13

At that age is be expecting her dad to have a talk about her either using her room or going out. Not fair for them to be taking over the only living area. Again, I would be saying the same to my own DC.

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:15

what would be a reasonable amount of time for her to have her friends taking over the house?!?

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 21/08/2015 08:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:19

I think Dh feels that it's her home too so we have to accept it. Although it really irritates him too.

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 08:26

What would be a reasonable rule? One day each weekend when they are NOT in the sitting room?

Two evenings when they are NOT in the sitting room?

OP posts:

OutToGetYou · 21/08/2015 11:23

Why can't one of the other kids' parents host them all now and then?
I'd say they rotate, one day in each house. If they can't rotate then hard luck, you're only on the rota the right number of times, if no other house will have them then only your rota day counts and they only get that day.

Or they can go and hang out at the back of the Spa, like normal teenagers!

I'd say one week day in summer hols, maximum of two evenings.

thepurplehen · 21/08/2015 13:16

As hard as it is (I'm an introvert too) you need to put your foot down and not allow her to behave like the parent. It's her home but she's not the adult paying for it and / or running it. Therefore, she doesn't have a free run of it.

If you can, get your dp on board, and create some rules or simply start telling them that you want to use the living room for some peace and quiet so she'll have to go elsewhere. Hopefully she'll get the hint and stop hogging the whole house.

ArcheryAnnie · 21/08/2015 13:21

It is her house, but it's yours, too. She has to learn to share.

Maybe you could fight fire with fire - sit in the living room and put on Bergerac on the telly, or Lonnie Donovan on the music player, or anything else she is likely to think so desperately uncool that she won't subject her friends to it...

PotteringAlong · 21/08/2015 13:23

She's not there all the time. You have every other weekend child free. If she lives with you it is her home.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 21/08/2015 13:24

I think you should treat her the same as your own child...as in "Get in your bloody room!"

At that age, my friends wouldn't expect the run of the sitting room and neither would I. I'd have it when parents were out and not at all otherwise.

PotteringAlong · 21/08/2015 13:25

That's not to say that she shouldn't be respectful; of course she should. If her room is big she should use that.

Inertia · 21/08/2015 13:29

It's her home, but it's also yours.

A reasonable rule is that when she has friends round, they are in her room- especially as you've said that her room is a reasonable size- and that they rotate around everyone's houses.

You may be introvert, but that doesn't mean that your life has to be controlled by the demands of a bunch of teenagers.

I think you need to get your DH on board, so that you present a united front, and say that the present situation isn't working. She can have friends round in her room up to (say) 3 evenings per week, or whatever you and DH agree, but the rest of the time they need to go to other houses.

Could you do anything to make her room work better as a teenage space? Maybe get her a loft bed , sofa , Tv etc for her room?

coffeeisnectar · 21/08/2015 13:31

My dd is 17 and we have a tiny house Too. If she has friends over they go up to her room. I don't think it's fair to expect you to have to sit away when she has her own space for this. Put your foot down.

RandomFriend · 21/08/2015 13:34

Certainly she should be respectful and it sounds like she isn't. How do the friends behave towards you when they are there? Do you get to talk to them or are they excluding you? If she brings guests to the house and they hang around in the shared living space, then you may treat them as your visitors as well. My approach would be to chat with them a bit when they are there.

Have you discussed with her the idea that sometimes when she has friends over she could be upstairs in her own (large) room rather than downstairs?

An additional thought: as she is 16-17, will she be off to uni soon?

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2015 16:47

I don't think it's reasonable for her to expect to take over the family sitting room with all her mates, more than one or two evenings per week! And I agree, why are the parents of the others not doing their bit...because you two are allowing them to get away with it, that's why!
Get her DD on board, and explain to DSD together, that from this week on, she can have her friends in the loving area/room one day/evening per week, plus one day/evening in her bedroom, (or whatever you feel comfortable with!) Don't even listen to pleas, arguments, recriminations or declarations that it's unfair....it's your home too, both of you just tell her that that's how it's going to be...no further discussion!

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 17:55

Thank you - I'm so glad you have said all those things. I feel like less of a miserable cow now. :)

Pottering along: Yes we have every other weekend child-free in the evenings, but for the last few weeks she has been coming here during the day with her friends as well. It's too much!

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleSnaily · 21/08/2015 17:56

I think she is sort of treating the place like her own flat, rather than a family home with other people living here. We've let it get a bit out of hand.

OP posts:

plumpynoo · 28/08/2015 21:13

I was never allowed to take over the living room if my parents were home, it is not unreasonable to tell her that you are going to sit and watch T.V. now so she and her friends need to go either upstairs or out. People may say that it is her home too, but i honestly think people get so upset about offending step children that they forget that they are children and are not entitled to run the household. Be brave, and get your DH on board too!

Yellowpansies · 28/08/2015 21:55

Can you make her room have more of a sitting room feel? Eg a TV, couch or beanbag, a throw and large cushion for the bed?

Then tell her that that's where she can host friends when they're round.

juneau · 28/08/2015 22:00

I would never have been allowed to do this as a teen! OMG if I'd taken over the living room with my friends every day and every evening my parents would've had a fit.

Why on earth aren't these teens hanging out at each other's houses? Probably because you and your DH never say anything, so they think taking over your house is the simplest. No doubt their parents tell them to go out or in the garden or ... to your house! Time for some house rules I think. Yes, its her home, but its also yours and there is no reason why you should be hiding upstairs to accommodate her friends every bloody day.

juneau · 28/08/2015 22:03

What would be a reasonable rule? One day each weekend when they are NOT in the sitting room?

No, OP, that's utterly spineless. The living room is for you, your DH, your DSD and anyone who lives there. If she wishes to entertain guests she should do it in her room, the garden, or they should go for a walk into town and hang out in McDonalds or wherever kids hang out these days. Your living room is not their private social club.

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