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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

i know this shouldnt bother me

72 replies

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:33

im getting really annoyed at dsd using my stuff. i know it's trivial and normal but she has used a full can off hairspray (I had only used it once or twice and it's a big massive tin) and now she's using my facial cleaning stuff. Its so frustrating.

I wouldn't mind so much if she just asked me but she doesn't. Have asked dp to have a word - still waiting.

I know its just what kids do but she's not my kid and I don't have tolerance for effectively 'stealing' my stuff - I pay for it out of my own money not the joint account money.

I really do need to get a grip. Is it too early for

OP posts:

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Wdigin2this · 22/08/2015 13:39

It's what teens do, yes of course it is, but so is smoking, drinking and (God forbid) taking drugs....but you have to at least try to make them understand that it's wrong/dangerous/inappropriate!

swingofthings · 23/08/2015 17:22

Are teens exempt from the consequences of taking anything that belongs to their parents/step parents because it's "what teens do"?

I rather fight more important battles, that's all. DD is a great teenager, she works hard at school, never gets into trouble, got offered a job at a top place after only doing a week's placement. She is responsible, always call when I ask her to, has never been late, she is clean, pleasant, smiling and engaging, has never stolen anything and I could go on...

So sometimes she goes in my room and helps herself to something because I'm not there to ask if she can... well pardon me for not thinking this is the end of the world!

OutToGetYou · 23/08/2015 19:00

"I rather fight more important battles, that's all. DD is a great teenager, she works hard at school, never gets into trouble, got offered a job at a top place after only doing a week's placement. She is responsible, always call when I ask her to, has never been late, she is clean, pleasant, smiling and engaging, has never stolen anything and I could go on...

So sometimes she goes in my room and helps herself to something because I'm not there to ask if she can... well pardon me for not thinking this is the end of the world!"

Well, that's your teen, it's certainly not all of them and doesn't sound like the teen in the OP. The teen in the OP takes stuff until it runs out and doesn't ever appear to ask - not just takes the odd dab (to polish her halo) when she can't find you (having sent out a pack of bloodhounds first just to make sure).

SouthAmericanCuisine · 23/08/2015 19:12

swing My DD is all of those things too - and she would never, ever, dream of going into our bedroom without permission, much less help herself to my cosmetics/toiletries or clothes.

Each to their own, and all that, but as the OP isn't comfortable with her DSD helping herself without asking, it shouldn't be something she has to tolerate; it should be something that is addressed by the DCs parents as unacceptable.

The idea that stepparents should be willing to lock away their belongings in order to prevent their DSC helping themselves implies that it is unreasonable to expect teens to demonstrate any degree of self-control, because no matter whether their stepparent is happy with it or not, they will take things they want and it is the stepparents responsiblity to prevent it from happening.

aprilshowers76 · 23/08/2015 19:16

Swingofthings - are you. Talking about your own DD or was that a typo? Your own child being all of those wonderful things then helping herself to the odd thing from your room is totally different to someone else's daughter who may or may not be all of those things (we don't know) using vast quantities of your things without ever asking.
No one is saying it's right or wrong for teens to be able to help themselves and if your way works for you then great! But it doesn't work for op and that's fine too.

Scoobydoo8 · 23/08/2015 19:16

I don't have DSC - just had DCs. Once my eldest (who always thought she was hard done to) used one of the big bath towels I'd bought for DH and me to use. The DCs had the smaller size - well they had smaller bodies - and I was Furious. Mostly because I knew that she knew that it was one of OUR towels and not for their use.

That's what annoying - not the fact that they used something but the fact that they knew you wouldn't want them to.

.... the point is THAT was it - the only time one of my DCs took my stuff!!

In this case it's deliberate imo and needs to be treated as that. Not buddies sharing stuff.

aprilshowers76 · 23/08/2015 19:48

And I bet you told her off without having to check on a forum that you weren't being unreasonable first scooby

OutToGetYou · 23/08/2015 23:56

dss has his own towels, as do I, as does dp. Ours go by colour rather than size (given I am the smallest!).

dss has his own en suite shower room. But whenever he has a bath in the main bathroom he uses my towels. Not dp's (possibly cos his are pink ), not his own, mine. And leaves them in a wet pile on the floor.
Drives me crazy.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 24/08/2015 07:06

April I'm not checking if it's ok to give dsd a row for using my stuff. I don't need anyone's approval for my behaviour. I am venting my frustration at the situation. Ie I can't say anything without it causing a row with mum. I had asked dp to have a word and he hadn't. (He since had and she denied all knowledge)

Its crap having to hide your stuff in your own house so someone doesn't just help themselves. And I mean hide because keeping in my room seems to be a free for all.

It's bloody frustrating when all dsd had to do was ask. Its not her stuff so ask to use it. It's not general shampoo conditioner body wash toothpaste it's cleansing product that I use specifically for me, hair product that I use for me.

Its bloody annoying.

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Lweji · 24/08/2015 07:57

Well, it looks like it could only have been her or your DP.
What are the consequences for using all of your stuff without permission and lying about it?
Have you talked with your DP about this? If you are thinking long term both have to assume parenting in your home. Or she will be 16 in a few years, wrecking havoc and you'll be knocking your heads trying to figure out what happened and what to do.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 24/08/2015 08:44

She has been told not to use my stuff and has been given her own. And I was goi g to be happy to top it up but we have since had various issues with dsd writing not very nice things about me. So dp has said not to bother being so nice and he will get her anything she needs if it's a necessity.

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aprilshowers76 · 24/08/2015 13:38

Neverenuff - I think you misinterpreted my comment. I was pointing out how because scooby is Mum rather than stepmum, she would have been able to just holler at the kid rather than worry and seek help on Mumsnet, risk upsetting everybody and feel so helpless about the situation.

I've been in the same position you are in now (assuming it's not just a case of her not knowing rules are different in your house to mum's which it sounds as though is not the problem)

It only got worse to be honest, if I could go back - the very first time it happened I would have sat down with her and my husband while he spelled out what the expectations where, and what the consequences would be if she didn't meet them, then enforce those consequences big time if needed. Instead we just kind of ignored it, he muttered a few things to her about not using my things, we each spent a small fortune on buying her her own stuff that just followed her to Mum's, and it ended up with her stealing everything she could (including money from my young DD), clothes and hair straighteners which she sold.

aprilshowers76 · 24/08/2015 13:38

What has she written about you? I hope he's told her that's not okay!

Original poster

Neverenuff · 25/08/2015 17:25

She was just wrong unpleasant things. Nothing major but enough to make me wonder why I bother trying to be nice.

I bought her a load of toiletries for her and take her shopping etc and treat her to costa hot chocs etc.I just feel it gets thrown back at me at times like this.

I tried speaking to dp andhe got all huffy with me Because I said I want buying her anything but essentials from now on.

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aprilshowers76 · 25/08/2015 17:44

That's a shame he reacted like that - if she senses she's causing problems between you she'll be all over it. Something I wish to god I'd known at the start is that I should only have done nice things for DSD if I genuinely wanted or needed no thanks. There were a few occasions (birthdays for example) where I was happy to buy because it's the right thing to do... but everything else... I used to give and give and it was never enough.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 25/08/2015 17:56

I was just abit annoyed about it. (Also sorry April for misinterperating you before)

He was finefor most of what I was saying.I was really being heart felt and telling him how I feel and admitting my own mistakes when it comes to his kids. And explaining how I feel when I do nice things only to find notes about me or mum phoning for a fight because I've said something. Dsd heard everything as she was eeriewiggin on the stairs. Part of me is glad she heard me talking. Not that it will change anything.

But then dp got a wee bit huffy about how I said I wasn't buying anymore than needed. He was like fine I'll do it ( good he should be!!)

It's all so hard because dp really is a great guy and olive him to pieces. I think its just a tough patch were going through with the kids just now and it's just hard.

OP posts:

Ilikemangoes123 · 25/08/2015 18:01

Neverenuff - I'm sorry that she wrote those things. I think that is why her taking your stuff was different from a DC that you'd built a fair relationship with. The crux of this is she doesn't respect you - and if you are not being unfair or horrible to her, then she does need to respect you and not treat you like a punching bag. If she's fed up with aspects of her life it is not your fault.

rollonthesummer · 25/08/2015 18:08

Late to this thread but is she going into your bedroom taking things or are they in the bathroom?

aprilshowers76 · 25/08/2015 18:16

"It's all so hard because dp really is a great guy and olive him to pieces. I think its just a tough patch were going through with the kids just now and it's just hard."

yes and no.. well, maybe. But don't wait until it's too late. Kids learn what is and isn't acceptable. They don't just randomly correct bad behavior of their own accord. And ALWAYS assume they are earwigging! ;)

Original poster

Neverenuff · 25/08/2015 18:23

I know I am unnecessarily hard on the kids sometimes and it's an issue I need to deal with. But generally I am ok with them and I do try to do stuff but it's so hard when it feels like its thrown back in my face constantly.

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Original poster

Neverenuff · 25/08/2015 18:27

Rollon she does both. X

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Scoobydoo8 · 26/08/2015 08:27

I have 2 DDs. Just going into a bedroom and using the other's stuff would have caused WW3.

Perhaps that is why I am not accepting of someone just using another's things without permission. Why should you just roll over when another is cheeky and selfish towards you and your belongings.

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