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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

i know this shouldnt bother me

72 replies

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:33

im getting really annoyed at dsd using my stuff. i know it's trivial and normal but she has used a full can off hairspray (I had only used it once or twice and it's a big massive tin) and now she's using my facial cleaning stuff. Its so frustrating.

I wouldn't mind so much if she just asked me but she doesn't. Have asked dp to have a word - still waiting.

I know its just what kids do but she's not my kid and I don't have tolerance for effectively 'stealing' my stuff - I pay for it out of my own money not the joint account money.

I really do need to get a grip. Is it too early for

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FannyFanakapan · 21/08/2015 07:34

just tell her - same as other mums. "These are my products, dont use them. If you want hairspray, buy some out of your allowance."

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:37

I would but.It will go back to mum that I 'had a go' and she will argue with dp about how I speak to her children and I know I have an unfortunate time and it wouldn't come out right. Dsd will also deny using the products.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/08/2015 07:40

What would you do if it was your own child?

I'd tell my kid to use their own.

How long has she been a sd? Can't you tell her yourself or with your oh?

I'd present it as house rules for everyone and make it less personal. And discuss penalties for misuse then.
Don't start a my side - her side with your oh.

DoreenLethal · 21/08/2015 07:41

Hide/lock away the products.

And buy replacements out of the joint funds.

catzpyjamas · 21/08/2015 07:42

I have this CONSTANTLY but with DSS. DH thinks I am overreacting but doesn't like it when it's his stuff getting used. I now keep all my toiletries/food that I don't want him to use in a different place and buy cheap generic stuff to leave in the bathroom/kitchen. If he complains about the cheap stuff, he gets told to buy his own.

Mimigolightly · 21/08/2015 07:42

If you're not able to talk to her about this, change where you keep your products. Rather than in the bathroom, for example, keep them in your room.

Penfold007 · 21/08/2015 07:42

You could try buying her some cleanser and hairspray of her own and give them to her as a gift.

Failing that keep your good stuff put away and make cheap products available in the bathroom.

FannyFanakapan · 21/08/2015 07:44

you cant live your life stressing about mum - if you speak to the DSD reasonably, in front of your partner, then ex can whinge as much as she likes and DP can set her straight - or not. Really, stop trying to be the good guy for all and stand up for yourself, You are not being unreasonable to set a few boundaries about your stuff. If she is using product, then she is old enough to understand whats yours is your and not hers.

You can also suggest that she bring her own products from home when she visits, or she asks DM to supply her with stuff for when she visits. Or she must speak to her dad about providing product. Either way, your stuff is your stuff, not hers.

StanSmithsChin · 21/08/2015 07:48

My DC did this and it is annoying.
Yes it is trivial but still takes the piss. I now just by them their own toiletries. Not the expensive stuff I like because I am a fool just the supermarket own brand or a cheaper brand. If they want the more expensive stuff I tell them to but their own.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:50

DP thinks I'm having a go but said he will speak to her. Going to but her some stuff tonight (have done this loads) however I never find out if or when she needs new stuff.

It's just annoying me. Like I say I know it's trivial and it shouldn't bother me but it does.

OP posts:

AngelaRipp0n · 21/08/2015 07:52

It sounds petty to me, but you could turn it into a positive experience. Next time she comes over take her out to buy some lovely things of her choosing that she can keep in the bathroom and buy it from the joint account.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:56

I won't take dsd shopping. Sorry.

She does this thing where we have a cracking time then I'll have said something innocent and it gets twisted when she tells mum. Honestly I have to walk on eggshells around the kids so I tend to rarely have 1-2-1 time with them. It's kept to an absolute minimum.

And I know it's petty. That's why I said it's trivial and shouldn't bother me.

OP posts:

StanSmithsChin · 21/08/2015 07:59

How old is she?

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 08:01

She's 11.

Definitely at an age where she starts using cleansers etc and half a tin of hairspray to do her hair. I remember bei g the same. But I had to buy my own if I wanted it.

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SouthAmericanCuisine · 21/08/2015 08:02

I don't think it's petty, at all.

If I found out my DD was helping herself to her stepmums toiletries I'd be furious!

It's a form of theft. It's not borrowing, it's deceitful and its totally unacceptable.

What you can do about it is a different matter though. If your DP isn't willing to deal with it, then all you can do is decide if your willing to live in an environment where you have to lock your things away to keep them safe.

StanSmithsChin · 21/08/2015 08:04

I wouldn't make my 11 yo buy there own stuff sorry. I thought you were going to say 15! I would just shove some products in with the weekly shop let her know they are hers and keep mine in the bedroom.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 08:04

Thing is if she asked I'd probably say to use it. I'm not that horrible.

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Wellthatsit · 21/08/2015 08:10

Well, if even innocent things get twisted, then you will never win with her mum. I am with the poster who says don't get walked over and don't worry about the mum's reaction. I would be more angry with your DH though, as he is not backing you up because he can't be bothered with the hassle.
And I don't think it's petty. It sounds like your DSD is being a bit manipulative, reporting everything back to her mum, and surely at 11 she knows not to use up someone else's stuff.

DoreenLethal · 21/08/2015 08:39

ext time she comes over take her out to buy some lovely things of her choosing that she can keep in the bathroom

I did that. The lovely things went home with her.

Also, the towels were left on the floor to stink and then it was back to using all 4 house bath sheets for one shower, and leaving them on her floor to stink.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 08:50

Doreen this also happens here. we never see stuff again. Towels in bathroom in bedroom in hall. All used by 1 person.

I wish I could relax more about silly stuff- I just can't.

OP posts:

Lweji · 21/08/2015 09:24

This is a joint problem for your oh and you.
Why on earth is an 11 year old using face stuff and hairspray anyway?

I'd don't have step children but often have nephews in.
You have to start acting like a family, together, and have clear rules and consequences. Both you and your oh.

CaptainHolt · 21/08/2015 09:31

Does she have an allowance or do her parents buy stuff like that? I had to buy everything (including tampax ) whereas most of my friends had the bulk of stuff bought for them. With my dcs I buy essential toiletries, which include stuff to wash your face with but they are expected to buy their own extras like hair product and make-up.

I don't really see the problem with her whining to her mum that she's not allowed to use your stuff if she has either her own stuff or an allowance to buy it. Let her whine.

OutToGetYou · 21/08/2015 11:43

I have this with dss and it drives me crazy.

He has his own bathroom, and being a boy doesn't use my toiletries much (though I found one of my shave foams in his bathroom the other day and he takes disposable razors from our bathroom, usually mine as his dad uses a rechargeable thing).

But with him it is tech. He has to have his grubby (and they are bloody grubby all the time) hands on my stuff. Laptops, he just uses them (I have passwords on them, of course), mouse he'll just disconnect and take it if he thinks he needs it, chargers are the biggy - they are never where they are supposed to be which is so irritating as I like them to be in specific places I put things that will need to be charged. Last week I got a new Kindle. I have said he can have my old one (he doesn't 'need' it, he has loads of tech of his own, including a Kindle Fire) but when the new one came, I unboxed it, had a quick look, plugged it in to charge overnight. Went to work next day, came home and dss has been bloody messing about with it, changed settings, moved stuff around - I hadn't even looked at it! And yes, grubby greasy fingerprints all over it.

Meanwhile dp's Kindle has broken. He has moaned at me about it at least four million times. For the first two million I told him to moan at Amazon not me, you never know they might replace or fix it, but I can't do that. Now I just ignore him. Anyway, he now wants my old Kindle instead of dss.

But I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to sit at your PC to do some work only to find the mouse has disappeared and having to go round the house trying to find it/one to use.

And the stapler. Similar though not quite so debilitating re getting on with stuff. Oh and he is obsessed with Sellotape, he takes it and carries it around in this rucksack which is permattached to his back. I found two rolls in there the other day and can never find any in the house.

I don't really know what you do, except keep telling them not to take your stuff. Put labels on things?

I know that buying their own doesn't really make much difference. I also know it's not so much a 'step' thing as a 'kid' thing - but you feel so powerless when it's a step, you can't say anything without always feeling like the bad guy. And dss pretty much just ignores me anyway cos it's been like this for years and never changes. dp not interested in telling him not to do it - think he thinks I overreact to it.

aprilshowers76 · 21/08/2015 14:35

I had this for years and I never spoke up. It got worse and worse and eventually she was stealing money and bigger items. It could be one of two things: either she behaves like this in mum's house, everything is communal and it's perfectly okay so she doesn't realise it bothers you. Or, she's establishing her control over you by regarding your possessions with no respect.

Either way, if it bothers you (and it would bother me too!) your husband needs to tell her it's not okay - with you sat beside him. then if it happens again he needs to think of a fair punishment (wifi/ pocket money etc.)

You need to give her the opportunity to just correct it if she doesn't know any better. But whatever you do don't ignore it.

aprilshowers76 · 21/08/2015 14:37

"ext time she comes over take her out to buy some lovely things of her choosing that she can keep in the bathroom

I did that. The lovely things went home with her. "

Yep I made exactly the same mistake!! Subtle hints won't work at. all.

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