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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

i know this shouldnt bother me

72 replies

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 07:33

im getting really annoyed at dsd using my stuff. i know it's trivial and normal but she has used a full can off hairspray (I had only used it once or twice and it's a big massive tin) and now she's using my facial cleaning stuff. Its so frustrating.

I wouldn't mind so much if she just asked me but she doesn't. Have asked dp to have a word - still waiting.

I know its just what kids do but she's not my kid and I don't have tolerance for effectively 'stealing' my stuff - I pay for it out of my own money not the joint account money.

I really do need to get a grip. Is it too early for

OP posts:

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RachelZoe · 21/08/2015 14:58

This absolutely should bother you. It's not ok, at all. When my children use my products they get a bollocking , why should she get away with it?

You need to speak to your partner about this and be firm, why should she be allowed to take and use up your stuff? If she needs hairspray and cleansers, her parents can buy them for her. I would disregard her mothers reaction and tell her straight if your partner doesn't step up, maybe she is very aware that you're wary of her mothers reaction so is using it against you to get away with stuff? I did this for a time with my step mother, I knew she was wary so I pushed it, she lost it one day and stood up to me and we eventually developed a very good relationship. Kids respond well to boundaries.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, must be frustrating.

Lweji · 21/08/2015 15:02

Kids respond well to boundaries.

Yes to this. Even if they keep pushing them. It's our job to define them and enforce them.

SurlyCue · 21/08/2015 15:03

I never used my mum's stuff and she wouldnt have accepted me just takin it. She made sure i had my own stuff and i there was something i had run out of or fancied borrowing for a treat i knew to ask and she would lend it. DP really needs to tell er it isnt on and make sure she has her own stuff. Maybe she could write a list and keep updating when she is running low.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 16:23

Just been and bought a whole load of stuff. Told dp to have a word before she gets it.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 21/08/2015 17:03

Firstly, it's not a trivial matter, your personal stuff shouldn't be used without your permission, and I can imagine how damn annoying it is! Secondly however, at 11 I don't think she should be expected to buy her own toiletries. So, although I would find it galling I would, when she's there, keep my own stuff in my bedroom and leave supermarket/Superdrug type brands in the bathroom for her! I would also tell her that they were there for her to use, and if they're not the brands she's used to, suggest she brings her own from her DM's house! This won't go on for ever (hopefully) as she gets older she'll probably bring her own anyway, but in he meantime I'd definitely....pick your battles carefully!

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 17:09

I know. Hence why I have bought her some to start her off. I'm happy to get it for her. If she stops using mine. Lol.

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/08/2015 17:14

Once again though, why isn't your DP stepping up and telling her in no uncertain terms that this behaviour isn't on? If you're not allowed to do stuff with her or tell her off or buy her anything etc., then fair enough - don't do it - but HE has to! You not doing it doesn't create a void where it just doesn't happen, HE is her dad, HE should be parenting her appropriately!

This just pisses me off so much, that it's always seen as the mum/SM's problem to deal with - it really isn't.

Hope your DP comes to his senses and realises that this isn't just about hairspray but is symptomatic of the attitude his DD has to you.

HeighHoghItsBacktoWorkIGo · 21/08/2015 17:18

Could you get her Dad to buy her some stuff to keep at your place? He owes you, as it was his DD who used up all of yours. I think it just needs to be clear that the new stuff is to stay at his place not go with her to mum's house.

wickedlazy · 21/08/2015 17:27

All dp has to say to her now is "nevernuff noticed you were using her stuff, and she needs that for herself, plus it's a bit grown up for you, so she got you some of your own to keep here. If you run out or need anything else, let one of us know.

Hopefully she will be grateful, and use her own stuff from now on.

wickedlazy · 21/08/2015 17:46

We were always told to ask before using any of mums stuff, and she usually said yes (a spray of her perfume for going to cinema, or to borrow a hairbrush etc). We always had to put stuff back where we got it from. She bought us our own hair stuff, deodorant, sprays, make up and nail varnish, but we all shared the same bottle of make up remover, nail varnish remover, and shaving foam. But then sister started using the fancy scented gel stuff, and we were all told touch it and die. Razors were just communal packs of lady bics, and we warned not use stepdads electric one, but I did use it a few times and blamed sister

Might be a good idea to have a think about what you consider yours, and what makes more sense to share. Basically which stuff you would prefer her to ask permission to use.

BabyGanoush · 21/08/2015 17:49

Buy her her own stuff with DP's money. Easy.

aprilshowers76 · 21/08/2015 18:36

Baby it wasn't that easy for us nor other SMs I know. It's incredibly difficult to change these kinds of behaviours where children are either doing it because it's habit and accepted in their other home, or because it's a symptom on boundary pushing

LetTheChipsFall · 21/08/2015 19:01

I never used my mums stuff it my older sisters. I had a job at 14 and paid with that for all my things....including school
Stuff

catzpyjamas · 21/08/2015 19:14

I'd love to agree that this won't go on forever but DSS is 20 and still does it as DH probably still thinks he will stop coming if he's not treated as our esteemed guest

YogaPants · 21/08/2015 19:24

Oh god, this thread brings back memories of when I was about your SD's age trying to guess what stuff in the bathroom I was allowed to use and which I wasn't. What a minefield. Was I allowed to use the soap/shampoo in the bathroom or was that special soap and I had to store and bring my own?

It's important to open the line of communication with her so that boundaries and clear and she can come to you if she ever needs anything. It may be just hairspray and face wash this week but it is also about her building trust so that she knows she can come to her dad or you if she runs out of deodorant or sanpro or any multitude of things when staying at your place.

Original poster

Neverenuff · 21/08/2015 19:27

It's comnmon knowledge in th house that stuff on the bath is anyone's. Stuff in my room on my table is clearly mine surely. You would think. I'm not going to worry but still waiting on dp having a chat with dsd. She's not getting her new stuff til he does.

OP posts:

wickedlazy · 21/08/2015 21:13

As long as what she needs can go in the bathroom, then fair enough. We had a tiny bathroom so not a lot of room to store stuff. I think the reason mum usually said yes to using her stuff was we knew not to take the piss and only asked the odd time. Hopefully this reinforcing off boundries (if she's grateful for the stuff you got her and not a brat about it) means you will get on better. You're tight to nip it in the bud now.

wickedlazy · 21/08/2015 21:13

Right*

aprilshowers76 · 22/08/2015 08:28

Happy to bet that stuff stays in your house for.. Ooh.. 2 days!

Lweji · 22/08/2015 08:53

Glad to see you're still going for the he tells her, she's not touching my stuff, not really a family, approach.
Good luck for the teenage years.

swingofthings · 22/08/2015 08:54

I know its just what kids do but she's not my kid and I don't have tolerance for effectively 'stealing' my stuff - I pay for it out of my own money not the joint account money.

DD does this and I don't have much tolerance for it either. it's annoying, although I think you are being a bit dramatic by calling it 'stealing' because you pay it out of your own money.

Teenagers do things we don't like all the time. We tell them off for it, but they still do it. You are in a relationship with a man with a teenagers, so ultimately, you are going to face what parents face themselves. The fact you are a SM rather than a parent doesn't change that she is acting like a typical teenager and it has nothing to do with your role of a SM rather than mum.

The best way to go about it, hide things (cleverly!) that you really don't want to be used (in my case, it's my dry shampoo that I get from a special website and is costing me quite a lot of money), and the rest, just keep on repeating, but expect miracles and move on (in my case, my deodorant).

SouthAmericanCuisine · 22/08/2015 09:04

I'm clearly in minority, but hiding things from a teen to prevent them from taking them seems like very lazy parenting to me.

Are teens exempt from the consequences of taking anything that belongs to their parents/step parents because it's "what teens do"?

Where does the line get drawn? Is the value of the item a factor? What about cash? clothing? Medication?
And who else can they take from? Parents? Stepparents? What if they stay at grandmas one night a week - is it ok to take her stuff, too?

Clearly it's not about "need" - the OPs DSD is taking things from her bedroom rather than using what is available for all family members to use. So it's either about brand preference, or a deliberate choice. And in either case, it fits the legal definition of theft - deliberately intending to permanently deprive.

Keeptrudging · 22/08/2015 09:20

I must be weird - I don't mind my DD/SDs using any of my stuff. I can understand it being annoying, but would go with buying them their own stuff to keep at yours, which you won't replace if they keep taking it home. 'Borrowing' of tech gear/chargers does really annoy me though, so I'm not that laid back !

DoreenLethal · 22/08/2015 09:22

I must be weird - I don't mind my DD/SDs using any of my stuff.

So you go out, earn the cash, go to the shop, spend it on a bottle of something, use it once and then when you go to use it again, it is all gone. And you are happy to go back out, earn the cash, go to the shop, spend it on a bottle of something, use it once and then when you go to use it again, it is all gone. So you go back out again, earn more cash...are you a never ending pot of work/money/effort that just keeps on forever?

Keeptrudging · 22/08/2015 09:46

No, they don't take the p, but maybe it's also because I don't use fancy stuff, so nothing worth pinching?

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