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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Christmas.. advice please

61 replies

Carmex · 15/08/2015 21:20

We have DSD for most of every holiday. She will be 15 at end of this year. We have never had her for xmas. We normally have her for new year. We've never rocked the boat with this.

In 2016 we want to go away for 5 days over Christmas including xmas day.

DSD is here at the moment. We've had a chat about it all she said she would love to come as she is bored of Christmas routine.

DH has said to her mum what our plan would be etc etc. she is flat out saying no. she said she can not have her away from home on Xmas day.

I nicely reminded her that not once have we had her for xmas and DSD will be 16. We would like to take her away for xmas before she reaches adulthood fully and will then be doing her own thing.

She has flat out said no.

Where do we go from here?

DH has never had a court order for DSD as we've always been able to work things out quite well with each other.

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 24/08/2015 14:56

We have never had dss for Xmas either, the dm likes to do the 'frilly' bits of mothering but not the rest. It's the fifth Christmas this year.

And we have asked if he can be with us as my family are doing something special.

We tackled it differently - dss is 14. We asked her first and let her think it over. She agreed. Then we told dss about it, the plans, where we will be going etc and he's really looking forward to it.

Maybe it got her back up, asking dsd first? Maybe it seemed a bit underhand?

Having said that, of course a 16yo can choose where they go, but it is also unlikely she is going to choose to fall out with her mother. Though you are quite right, this will alienate them over time but you can't do much about that.

OutToGetYou · 24/08/2015 14:57

How far in advance do you need to book? Can you try asking again around Feb, after she's had this Christmas?

slithytove · 24/08/2015 15:30

Why can't the dad be very very unhappy and have it like a knife in his heart that his daughter hasn't been allowed to spend even one Christmas with him morgan?

Will you also be heartbroken if your DD one day decides to spend Christmas without you? With a partner or a partners family?

Original poster
Carmex · 25/08/2015 18:50

It may have seemed a bit underhand but we've always put DSD first tbh. She's not little anymore.

I think it's a dead end really. We will just have to do new year instead. We knew all along this might happen though. I wouldn't book the holiday without her mums consent. We did this once before and she wouldn't let DSD come, because it was someone's birthday that DSD barely even knew, we lost our money.

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 25/08/2015 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amarmai · 25/08/2015 19:47

so you did know what you were doing - but went ahead anyway. Drop the fake innocence. Her dad should be talking to her mum , not you asking sd and side stepping the mum.

newoldmum · 25/08/2015 20:05

There's a lot of projections going on in thsi thread clearly

Indeed.

Does a father not ever deserve time with their child at Christmas?

And I'm sorry, but at that age, contact should be dictated by the child's wishes. Not the wishes of the parents. Her wishes come first.

redshoeblueshoe · 25/08/2015 20:11

Carmex I think your caught in a thread war. As a rational person we used to do alternate Christmases, and depending when her birthday is she could be 17 by then.

SenecaFalls · 25/08/2015 20:14

When I was a child, I alternated years spending Christmas with my mother and step-father and my father and step-mother. When I became a step-mother, my own step-children did the same. It does seem unreasonable of the mother in this case to expect that her DD will always spend Christmas with her. This poor dad has never had his DD for Christmas.

Original poster
Carmex · 25/08/2015 20:20

amarmai - Have I don't something to offend you? Seriously? I've no idea why you think it's ok to talk like that.

There is no fake innocents. Of course I knew there was a risk we wouldn't get DSD for xmas. She's said even if we weren't going away she would want to come to us. And it is always me and her mum that make the arrangements, believe it or not and I'm sorry to burst your bubble but we actually get on quite well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Carmex · 25/08/2015 20:23

Yes, it seems so redshoe.

OP posts:
amarmai · 25/08/2015 21:22

if it's always you and her mum who make the arrangements, it's all the more telling that you sidestepped the mum when you introduced this new divisive plan . But hey - you did that in all innocence! BTW like i said before i usually side with the stepmums.

Original poster
Carmex · 25/08/2015 21:36

I see you will twist everything I say, so i'll just leave this thread now.

Absolutely ridiculous.

OP posts:
3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 25/08/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 25/08/2015 22:16

This is sounding very personal amarmai Confused

amarmai · 25/08/2015 22:21

not at all -re-read what op has said . I am quoting her.

SenecaFalls · 25/08/2015 22:25

There is nothing wrong with the OP and her husband broaching the subject with her step-daughter. The DD is nearly an adult. I think the OP and her DH, who is the dad here, let's not forget, have been patient and understanding.

OP, I hope it works out for you and your family. If I were the DD's mother, I certainly would not want her at home with me at Christmas when she clearly wanted to be somewhere else and that somehere else was entirely reasonable. Why would a parent do that?

amarmai · 25/08/2015 22:38

But this unpleasant situation was engineered by the op who says she alone makes the arrangements with the mother; but this time, knowing the mother would not like it, she brought up a completely new and enticing offer with the daughter. This is outright troublemaking = the op wins either way.

SenecaFalls · 25/08/2015 22:44

So now that the daughter is older, it's appropriate to discuss it with her.

ProbablyMe · 25/08/2015 23:00

Some odd ideas out there tonight! I think both parents should have the chance to spend Christmas with their child. It's not just mums that get upset and miss their children at that time of year - the holiday is a red herring I think. Both myself and my exH and my DP and his exW alternate Christmas and New Year so it's fair to everyone - it's never crossed our minds to do anything else. Yes, I miss my sons and my DP misses his daughters when we don't have them but we each accept that our children have two parents!! Denying children the right to see their other parent or express an opinion about what they want to do is entirely selfish and controlling.

amarmai · 25/08/2015 23:05

The birth parents needed to make that decision re a brand new divisive plan. This was done deliberately by the op to cause the very situation that the op has caused. Plans do get changed - by parents i.e. the mum and dad discussing and cooperating. Not by the stepmum on her tod dangling a carrot in front of a 16 year old.How selfish to deliberately ruin Christmas for the sd and her blood family and preemptively attack the mother,who as yet does not even know what this woman has done. And pretend she cares about the girl and the family?? Do you do things like this?

redshoeblueshoe · 25/08/2015 23:06

unpleasant situation ? So dads should never see their kids at Christmas. The OP is talking about Christmas 2016 and the girl will be 16/17

redshoeblueshoe · 25/08/2015 23:08

her dad is family Confused

amarmai · 25/08/2015 23:34

Read the thread. Up until now the girl has not spent Xmas with her dad. If he wanted to change that he needed to arrange that with the mother. He didn't.The op says she makes all the arrangements with the mother. So why has she taken it upon herself, with no involvement of the mother , to offer the girl a holiday away over xmas. The op says she expects the mother to refuse this?! Way to set up a disappointed sd and an upset mother ! Does this sound like the way to go about things? Of course the girl should have been seeing her father at xmas - but they did not arrange it like that. Don't put words in my mouth. You are setting up a straw dog to knock down.

NorthernSole · 26/08/2015 10:30

I think your dsd is now in a difficult position as she won't want to upset anyone. And quite possibly wants to do both. It's one of the things that is hard for the children of divorced parents I think - having times when you wish you could split yourself in two. It's certainly something my dsd has talked about and knowing how hard it can be for her, I'd never knowingly put her in the position of feeling like it doesn't matter what she chooses someone will be upset. I'm not saying that's what you did, it's just my musings on the subject.

Whatever her mum's motivation or reasoning is, I wouldn't waste any thoughts worrying about the effect on her relationship with her dd, that really is for them to sort out, and they may be able to negotiate this perfectly well.

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