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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Christmas.. advice please

61 replies

Carmex · 15/08/2015 21:20

We have DSD for most of every holiday. She will be 15 at end of this year. We have never had her for xmas. We normally have her for new year. We've never rocked the boat with this.

In 2016 we want to go away for 5 days over Christmas including xmas day.

DSD is here at the moment. We've had a chat about it all she said she would love to come as she is bored of Christmas routine.

DH has said to her mum what our plan would be etc etc. she is flat out saying no. she said she can not have her away from home on Xmas day.

I nicely reminded her that not once have we had her for xmas and DSD will be 16. We would like to take her away for xmas before she reaches adulthood fully and will then be doing her own thing.

She has flat out said no.

Where do we go from here?

DH has never had a court order for DSD as we've always been able to work things out quite well with each other.

OP posts:

redfairy · 15/08/2015 21:27

I think at 16 I would leave DSD to sort it with her mum seeing as you have already said your piece.
(Do you think DSDs mum is saying this because she will be left on her own? )

Original poster

Carmex · 15/08/2015 21:33

DSD mum has already messaged DSD and just said they will talk when she gets home but she won't be coming away with us.

Her mum is remarried and has 2 other children. She also has a huge family local to her. She wouldn't be on her own.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 15/08/2015 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Carmex · 15/08/2015 21:45

Yes at 16 you would think that it's a non issue.

But asking DSD to enforce something also seems unrealistic.

She has said she thinks she will be able to convince her mum but I'm not so sure. Her mum can be very stubborn and unfortunately this isn't the first time she's been selfish.

OP posts:

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 15/08/2015 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morganly · 16/08/2015 00:29

If my daughter wasn't with me for 5 days over Christmas, I would be very very unhappy. The thought that she was having a lovely holiday with my ex and his new partner and preferred to do this than spend Christmas with me, her mother, would be like a knife in my heart.

If you want to break the Christmas pattern, a 5 day holiday is far too much for the first time.

Original poster

Carmex · 16/08/2015 08:41

We don't usually have her anything under a week due to how far we live away from her.

She has been very clear that it is christmas day that she has a problem with.

I worry that she will loose the respect of DSD because she refuses to respect her opinions at all, it's such a shame.

OP posts:

ScoutRifle · 16/08/2015 19:24

Every other year I spend Christmas childless whilst my ex has our children.
I miss them like hell but it's all done for the sake of our dcs, I do it because I love them so much I just want them to be happy.
It's totally selfish to refuse the contact just because it upsets mum when it's the dcs choice (not including any safety issues of course)

DoreenLethal · 16/08/2015 19:30

You mean, her dad. Not some random ex of yours - her own actual father. Who she hasn't been allowed to spend christmas with and now that she is an adult, is choosing to spend it with.

MadgeMak · 16/08/2015 19:35

Blimey, Morganly. Children aren't possessions you know.

Morganly · 16/08/2015 22:29

Yes, yes, rational, sensible, selfless and mature as you all are it's still very very hard. Can you not try and introduce the change more gradually? The D is being tempted by the holiday not Christmas with her Dad and irrational and unreasonable as this may seem, this will feel underhand and unfair to the mum who can't offer the holiday. And for goodness sake please do not encourage the D to say to her mum that she finds Christmas with her boring.

SurlyCue · 16/08/2015 22:35

Can you not try and introduce the change more gradually

The girl will be 16. How many more christmases do you think they have where the can "gradually" change the arrangement? You are being ridiculous.

And anyway, it is irrelevant. The mother doesnt have to agree. At 16 she can do as she pleases.

SurlyCue · 16/08/2015 22:38

Newsflash. Contact isnt about how you will feel. It is about the child. Your comment above shows a very selfish mindset.

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 22:51

Morganly, you do not know the mum cannot afford it.
Her daughter wants to spend the holiday with her father - it us not unusual for DC to spend Cmas Day year about with separated parents, but so far her mother has not allowed this. She is more than old enough to make up her own mind and her mother should neither forbid this nor use emotional blackmail

K888 · 17/08/2015 00:21

I think it would be great if she could go away with you over Xmas. However what DSD is going to want to make her mum upset, which I personally find very selfish of the mum. It is very unfair of her to monopolise Christmas time. But what can you do?

I suppose you could try this once to stick up for yourselves and insist that you have her for Christmas. Just say it like she is saying it. Explain to the DSD that you would love to have her, and that if she would like then let her know that it is her decision. Just put it out there, even though if the Mum is capable of telling her daughter she would be upset then she may well decide not to come. If that happens then maybe even a little chat to say - that you completely understand the DSD, however the door it always open to her for Xmas and that if not this year, then next year?

P.s. I had this myself with DSDs, we had them all holidays and every weekend but their Mum insisted on every Xmas.

I myself have a son and we do alternate Xmas's. Of course my heart breaks when he is not there - but that is no reason to deny his Dad (who is pretty selfish with me but that's not the point).

Original poster

Carmex · 17/08/2015 09:12

Some lovely advice here, thank you.

We're all a bit disheartened. Because we know that we will not just pick her up and take her, because it would create a bit drama.

We also know that it is unrealistic to try and make DSD enforce anything.

So we all know really that she won't be coming. DSD thinks her mum is selfish, she sees it for what it is. We've told her she will always be welcome at ours and she knows she is.

It makes me so sad, she's been so so lovely this holiday. An absolute joy of a child, really.

We could take her away for new year, but we have done this for about 3 years in a row now.

OP posts:

amarmai · 23/08/2015 17:15

usually i feel sympathy for the step mum, but i get an uneasy feeling that you are stirring things up op. you will get a backlash if you are.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 24/08/2015 00:29

I think this is a really sad situation where the needs of the parent come above the needs of the child. If she wants to go, regardless which parent it is with then she should be allowed to, really what's the big deal over one special day, if you love someone you want them to be happy every day....

coffeeisnectar · 24/08/2015 00:54

My dsd has never had Xmas with her dad despite her parents being apart for nearly six years. For the first two years dp was allowed to see her for a couple of hours at her house but when I moved in with dp that stopped and he asked to have her from lunch onwards. She would get here at about 5pm and would be taken home about 9pm as they were having another "family day" on boxing day. He's allowed to have her at New year so her mum and her bf can go away for a holiday.

Now they've moved an hour away we didn't get dsd until the day after boxing day and had to return her on nye as they had more family stuff going on. Ex seems to forget dp is her child's family too.

YourFredIsBoring · 24/08/2015 01:06

amarmai - I totally totally agree with you!

I have been the subject to a step parent just like you, OP.

Kind, friendly and reasonable. When in actual fact; you're rubbing your hands because you know that this is causing resentment and shit to fly between DSD and her mum - your partners ex!

Say absolutely no more about it. She knows you're going away for Christmas, so does her mother. They both also know that DSD is invited. Let them figure it out between them both.

Original poster

Carmex · 24/08/2015 02:03

Yes, quite obviously it is me in the wrong

OP posts:

YourFredIsBoring · 24/08/2015 11:28

Now now!

I wasn't saying that you're in the wrong. I am simply picking up on how much you're willing your DSD and her mother to fall out over this.

Her mother is being selfish, granted. You, however are fortunate enough to have never been put in the situation she is now in. Be compassionate, this must really sting for DSD mother - or does that make you happy?

Hopefully for your DSD sake, her mother will come around to the idea! Until then though, it has nothing else to do with you.

SouthAmericanCuisine · 24/08/2015 11:42

When in actual fact; you're rubbing your hands because you know that this is causing resentment and shit to fly between DSD and her mum - your partners ex!

Either I'm reading a different thread, or you are projecting; the Op has expressed concern, worry, disappointment.....what is it about her posts that imply she is "rubbing her hands"?

Just because your stepmother behaved in that way doesn't mean the OP is - unless you judge every stepmum by the actions of one person; in which case, maybe the step-parenting board isn't the place for you until you have dealt with those issues?

Original poster

Carmex · 24/08/2015 11:48

I am not willing them to fall out at all. Of course I don't want to hurt her mum, we've always been considerate towards her. This is why we've never asked to have DSD for xmas before.

We've already talked about alternate holidays if christmas isn't possible. I'm trying hard to make sure there is no fall out, like I always do.

6 years in and we've never fallen out, any of us.

Some of you are horribly judgy.

OP posts:

SurlyCue · 24/08/2015 12:47

Umm i dont think OP is the one shit stirring here. A couple of posters are but cant see where OP is.

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