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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Sad (and possibly ranty) re holidays

45 replies

Keeptrudging · 08/07/2015 13:03

First time posting on step - parents board, but really need to get this off my chest.

I'm step - mother to two lovely children (Secondary age), I've got two of my own. My husband had been divorced for years when I met him (I'm not the 'other woman'). I've now had years of his ex - wife changing access arrangements at the drop of a hat, manipulating the children, being awkward generally. I have no contact with her and don't interfere. She gets more in maintenance than I earn working full-time, doesn't work, lives in a very nice house etc. Not my business, the children should be living a nice lifestyle, I just mean that she's not hard - done by.

We'd booked a holiday with the children, mother was asked ages ago if that week would be fine, she'd agreed (huffily) and husband booked time off (not easily). She's now saying we can't have them that week (family non-important event). Husband can't change his holidays. So now, sadly, none of us are going on holiday, apart from the ex-wife and stepchildren who are going on a lovely holiday abroad. She says he can have them for a few days in the week he's off, so we'll be staying home.

I've lost count of the amount of times she's done this, husband (understandably) won't battle this out in court as he sees them regularly (on her terms), they enjoy coming here and if he fought about it there's every chance it would get nasty. Am so fed up though, we've just got to suck it up. They were all excited about the holiday, their Dad provides well for them/is a good, loving Dad yet all he seems to get is scraps, I feel heart-sorry for him. To be honest, I'm also feeling sorry for myself/my kids that we're not having a holiday either, and resentful (not of the stepchildren) that my husband is giving up our holiday just to see his kids for a few days. His access arrangements do affect us too - changed plans/scrapped weekends/every 2nd weekend no sleepovers etc for my own kids, and I never complain, but this has got to me. ????

OP posts:

Pantone363 · 09/07/2015 00:24

I usually always get the arse ache with step parent posts on this board, but OP she really sounds like a piece of work! Go and enjoy your holiday, bet DSC won't be best impressed at missing out because of some bullshit made up excuse!

MeetMyCat · 09/07/2015 08:43

Well done OP, I suspect she may be a little less inclined to cause problems next time .....

juneau · 09/07/2015 09:54

Yay! Good for your OP. I'm so glad you've decided to stand your ground.

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 09/07/2015 10:29

Yay op!!! Good for you . Are the dsc going to? Or just you, DH and kids?

Quesera21 · 09/07/2015 10:40

You have to stand your ground and not change. I think your alternate is excellent.

I have the exact reverse of your situation where EX and his delightful DP screw around. He knows my leave for the whole year, a year in advance.The first year, I gave in on one week which extended to 10 days of my holiday time and eventually left me with 2 days of my booked annual leave with my DCs. I wasted £1800 and ended up going away on my own to a spa - it was soul destroying. DCs had a great holiday but it hurt me so much.

Second year - I told them on Jan 4th, I was taking them on holiday for the following 2 weeks on August. 11 days before we go, am told this is their holiday time and they want to take the DCs away. I offered to let them take my holiday - it was longhaul and take all 6 kids - was told they could not afford to take them all that far. I refused to back down and we went. he then took her and her DCS to the Caribbean - so much for lack of cash!

This year, same scenario - again have offered a few days of flexibility but am not shifting - they have had 9 months notice this time.

I do not like that my DCs miss out on a holiday with their Dad but so much of my life is held to ransom by their appalling attitudes to his DCs and piss poor contact time - it has to stop. I will never stop my DCs seeing their Dad routinely, in fact bend over backwards to facilitate this but the holidays are known to them up till May 2016 - how much more notice can I give!!

Stand your ground - ask the DCS what they want to do?

yellowdaisies · 09/07/2015 10:44

That's good that you're still going

If it's in the UK is there any chance the DSC could catch a train to come and join you for part of the week? At secondary age I would be completely honest with them about what has happened, and leave it open for them to stand up to their DM if they do want to come.

Quesera21 · 09/07/2015 10:56

Sadly if people are determined to be difficult, nothin will make them learn - as I have found out !

It is not fair to expect the DCs to stand up to either parent. This is not their war.

Have a good one!

Original poster

Keeptrudging · 09/07/2015 13:04

Stepchildren not coming at all. I wouldn't put them in the position of having to stand up to their mum, or guilt them about it. We've got to hold on to the positives, that we have lovely times together when they are here. I've been a single parent with an arsey ex who didn't turn up for contact/brought children back early/took them to the pub not the park etc. I ended up not telling my children that contact was happening, rather than seeing them watching for hours at the window for their dad. It was then a 'surprise' when he turned up. DH is the total opposite, so reliable, his ex doesn't know how bad it could be. I don't get her at all, but think this is lifelong behaviour that no amount of court/solicitors would change. Think the mumsnet term would be 'entitled'.

OP posts:

bf1000 · 09/07/2015 13:45

Just remember - you can't reason with unreasonable people. Something that I've learnt. But remembering that always helps in situations like this

Have a lovely holiday x

yellowdaisies · 09/07/2015 15:21

Depends how old they are really. At 11/12 I think you're right not to place them in a position of having to stand up to their DM. If they're 15/16+ then they may be able to. And may need to do so generally in their lives - what if they had plans to go on holiday with a friend that she suddenly tried to cancel?

Quesera21 · 09/07/2015 16:20

keeptrudging we must have been married to twins!

FluffyBumOnTheRun · 09/07/2015 16:34

I wouldn't say it's about standing up to mum, just of they ask why then tell the truth. You obviously think the world of them and pitting them against mum isn't something I would suggest, but I'd not lie for the sake of mum if they are at an age where they can understand. It doesn't even have to be made into a big deal. Anyway OP, have a lovely time on your holidays :)

elizalovelacey · 09/07/2015 20:10

Good for you OP!!! Enjoy yourselves, you deserve it.

FantasticButtocks · 09/07/2015 20:22

I would certainly think the DSCs should know all along when a holiday has been booked for them, with their mum's agreement on the dates etc. Then as the time gets nearer and you're all talking about the excitement of the holiday, and their mum says no they can't go because of her third-cousin-twice-removed's ingrowing toenail operation recovery garden party…they should certainly know when that happens. Because one day, when they are ready, they will protest and say no we can't go to fred's garden party we're going on holiday with dad, remember? and they will kick up a stink. And then your DH can step in and back them up.

Blu · 09/07/2015 20:30

I am really pleased you made the decision to go, OP.

What's the betting that the children are suddenly now available after all?

Original poster

Keeptrudging · 09/07/2015 22:15

Quesara I dread to think there are multiples of my ex . Blu, you are so right, I'm just waiting for it (the change of mind), been there before. When we last saw them at the weekend, they were excited and making plans for what we would do there. They both know we wanted them there (lots), that's what's important.

OP posts:

Mygardenistoobig · 14/07/2015 21:41

Op you are absolutely right to go on the holiday.

I agree with everything that has been said.

I would also add that you should make plans for the weekends and continue with those plans whether the ex try's to change plans or not.

There are thousands of children whose fathers don't gove a toss about them, this woman's bitterness is awful and misplaced.

Wdigin2this · 15/07/2015 00:12

It is so frustrating when someone you hardly know, has the power to control your life...yes go on the holiday, even if you take your DC alone! But, you and DP must sit down and discuss this whole scenario like adults! He cannot allow his ex, someone who should be putting her kids first by the way, to control everyone's life. Go to a solicitor and sort it out, I wish you luck because I know how hard it is to get your partner/husband to do anything that rocks the ex-wife's boat!!!

ladydeedy · 16/07/2015 16:21

We have had this very same situation over the years and I beg you please not to roll over and let her impact the plans you have made. If you do, she will do it again and again. You are playing into her hands and it will simply get worse.

Go on holiday and have a great time and ignore ex-wife. DH needs to tell his kids that you are going anyway. Tough but they need to understand who is the bad guy here and it is not your DH.

You'll benefit in the long term as a) it's unlikely that she will do that again and b) she will get fed up of not "having a break" from her own kids. If you let her dictate you will never have any peace.

Please do not give this woman the ammunition to bully you and ruin your plans. Have a lovely time!

ladydeedy · 16/07/2015 16:27

oh sorry, hadn't read through to the second page! Bravo for going ahead. Stick with your plans no matter what - let your DH's children know the truth - that dates were all agreed with their mum but that she changed her mind (this is the fact, you are not slagging her off or anything!) and leave it at that.

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