ARRRGH! Teenage stepson just saw me naked!

[RedDwarfPosse]

Cringe cringe cringe!!... someone uncoil me from this painful cringing!

I know it's just the human form before anyone jumps on my back calling me a prude etc etc... but he's 15 and currently at that delicate stage of life where he's discovering the attractions of the female form!

He's already been in trouble for coercing my MIL's neighbours daughter into letting him see & touch her with no knickers on.

And my OH had to subtly ask him to stop being so 'hands on' with me when went swimming (he constantly wanted to pick me up in the water throughout the entire duration of our visit to the pool every time we went swimming).

So I started making sure I was in no way 'revealing' at home when he comes to stay and always making sure the bathroom/bedroom doors are locked when I'm in there changing, because when he's not here we're quite relaxed about being (non-sexually) naked in the privacy of our home.

But today I forgot to lock the bloody bathroom door and he walked as I was starkers. And I didn't rush to hide because I thought it was my OH who I was expecting to jump straight in the shower after me...

I now think I'm gonna do myself an injury with all this painful cringing!!

Sorry RedDwarf but I think you/DH have much bigger probolems than him seeing you naked.

As I was reading your posts I was thinking 'Oh no!' but that was in reaction to the incident with the 15-year-old, the pool, the casually waiting for you to come out of the bathroom etc.

I agree with others who say these are really, really serious and worrying.

But then he's not getting support or role model behaviour at his mum's by the sound of it. If he his being left alone in the care of someone who may be incapable when medicated or scary and unpredictable when not then he doesn't stand a chance. And if his Mum then clams up when asked about it, I'd be really concerned. Can your DH drive over there and see what's going on and sort it out with his Ex one weekend?

She sounds like the Toni Colette character in About A Boy but with DSS heading down a much riskier path than singing 'Killing me Softly'....

That behaviour could be an indicator that sexual abuse had occurred.

But it doesn't mean he has been, it's just a flag.

what lad of that age doesn't want to see the opposite sex naked?!

You're looking at this in a strange way, OP. Even your title is odd - in your position, I would not be cringing, I'd be extremely angry and alarmed. It doesn't matter what age he is - his behaviour is creepy and inappropriate. You're a parental figure, and he is hugely over-stepping boundaries.

I also don't think you'll get far trying to recruit his mother's help. In your situation, I'd be warning him off immediately (he was sitting outside the bathroom, waiting for you to come out? I'd have exploded at him!) and getting his father to deal with the on-going situation - since he is the parent.

I think you need to stop being indulgent and making out that this is normal adolescent behaviour; defending the behaviour by saying he is immature and so on. It isn't acceptable, by any standards, and he needs to be told clearly that you and his father won't put up with it.

I know it's hard because he may just stay away if he's confronted - but you can't let this go on. You seem very tolerant of his behaviour, to be honest. The way he behaved at the swimming pool would have made my skin crawl.

I'm not sure what the correct procedure is, but I'd be contacting the SW dept for advice before the situation escalates.

I guess that's why I'm on here talking about it - I've always maintained a 'it's not my right' attitude towards being a parent to him because I'm NOT his parent. I'm simply his dad's wife and I don't get involved in telling him off so as not to cause issues with OH's ex, as things are hard enough on that front as it is.

I would look like I was totally over-reacting if I exploded at him for accidentally walking in on me when it was my own daft fault for forgetting to lock the door...

It may not have been an accident, it IS possible - but I can't prove that it wasn't can I? I would just like I was having a pop at him for something he didn't deliberately do, which I know for certain he would say it was an accident... He has a habit of telling fibs so he'd never hold his hands up to deliberately walking in on me

I would look like I was totally over-reacting if I exploded at him for accidentally walking in on me when it was my own daft fault for forgetting to lock the door...

But he didn't just do that, did he? He then sat and waited for you to come out, so you had to pass him again - albeit covered up by then. If one of my teenage sons had accidentally walked in on someone, he'd have headed to his room immediately and shut the door (to shudder with embarrassment).

And your dss had already shown an unhealthy interest in being physical with you - his father's wife - at the swimming pool.

I'm bowing out now, though - I'm not entirely sure what you're looking for.

"I would look like I was totally over-reacting if I exploded at him for accidentally walking in on me when it was my own daft fault for forgetting to lock the door..."

Well, it might 'look like it' but you are an adult, he is not. You have considered the situation and decided on your reaction. OK, it's too late now to 'explode' (and, fwiw, I think a good explosion is good for kids now and then) but you can sit him down and tell him very firmly that you consider his behaviour inappropriate, especially the lurking by the door. His df should be there when you do and should reinforce what you say.

I'm afraid this 'immature' but oddly sexual behaviour could be a red flag of abuse. It's important to take it seriously.

I think it's true that you might need to spell out to him exactly what he is doing which is inappropriate. Perhaps Dad should if you don't feel able to yourself.

It is different - yes interest in opposite sex is normal, but to put it bluntly, you shouldn't be under that category for him. You shouldn't be seen as "a girl", you are a mother. Unless you're way younger than his dad, or something, I think that's unusual and as others have said possibly a red flag.

Of course, it could be that if he has such a close and friend-like relationship with his own mother, that he doesn't have that boundary there, the one which stops him seeing his mother (and therefore stepmother) as "a woman". Naturally, we are repulsed by the idea of finding our parents sexually attractive as we are repulsed by the idea of finding our children sexually attractive. So it's odd that he hasn't extended this natural sexual revulsion towards his mother to you. Perhaps it's just that you have such different roles, if she plays the part of friend and you more of a traditional parent figure.

It's not that he walked in on you which was inappropriate - although if he knew you were in there, it was - it was the fact he waited afterwards. That's creepy and not normal. He needs it spelling out (at the very least).

You're looking at this in a strange way, OP. Even your title is odd - in your position, I would not be cringing, I'd be extremely angry and alarmed. It doesn't matter what age he is - his behaviour is creepy and inappropriate. You're a parental figure, and he is hugely over-stepping boundaries.

Fantasies about their stepmother are pretty common for teen boys, I think - there's a whole porn genre dedicated to it! Im not sure I'd call it creepy - but yes, it's inappropriate, and ideally, one of his parents should be addressing it. However, if that's not happening, then it's up to the OP to have the conversation.

OP you might find some useful help from the NSPCC website or similar charity - youth workers and teachers etc are often faced with a similar situation, when a teen they work with develops an inappropriate attraction towards them. There may be resources produced to support professionals that you could take a look at?

Peruvian - thanks, I think I will take a look at that because I genuinely have no idea what to do or how to handle this

His attraction could be a number of things - his unclear relationship with his own mother who takes more of a friendly/sisterly role than a parent. Or that I've only been in his life for the last 4 yrs so not long enough to view me in a parental light. Or that I don't look my age. I'm 33 but im often mistaken for a teen (still get asked for ID with shocked looks and comments when ID is shown)... or that I try to keep my distance when it comes to disciplining him as I don't see it as my right not being his actual mother.

I haven't mentioned this incident to my OH. I think he'll just think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but I am going to be keeping a closer eye on things and should anything like this occur again then I guess I'm going to have to do something.

I have had a discussion with OH last night though and said he needs to communicate with DSS's mum more and explain his concerns about DSS's living situation with grandad, schooling, his tendency for lying etc etc

My DSS so me naked when he was 14. I had finished my shower and realised I had left my towel on the bed. Given that it was 3 steps from bathroom door to bedroom and everyone was downstairs I thought I could make it. I took one step out of the bathroom door just as DSS was half way up the stairs. I screamed, he screamed and nearly fell over in is rush to turn around and get back down the stairs.
His reaction is what I would see as "normal" your SS's wasn't.

I do think you should mention the incident to his dad as brushing these things under the carpet will not end well. His dad should take it seriously considering his previous behaviour and accusing you of making a fuss may explain why SS cannot see anything wrong in his behaviour.