ARRRGH! Teenage stepson just saw me naked!

[RedDwarfPosse]

Cringe cringe cringe!!... someone uncoil me from this painful cringing!

I know it's just the human form before anyone jumps on my back calling me a prude etc etc... but he's 15 and currently at that delicate stage of life where he's discovering the attractions of the female form!

He's already been in trouble for coercing my MIL's neighbours daughter into letting him see & touch her with no knickers on.

And my OH had to subtly ask him to stop being so 'hands on' with me when went swimming (he constantly wanted to pick me up in the water throughout the entire duration of our visit to the pool every time we went swimming).

So I started making sure I was in no way 'revealing' at home when he comes to stay and always making sure the bathroom/bedroom doors are locked when I'm in there changing, because when he's not here we're quite relaxed about being (non-sexually) naked in the privacy of our home.

But today I forgot to lock the bloody bathroom door and he walked as I was starkers. And I didn't rush to hide because I thought it was my OH who I was expecting to jump straight in the shower after me...

I now think I'm gonna do myself an injury with all this painful cringing!!

"He's tried "

no offence reddwarf but it does not sound as though he tried very hard does it?

How is it helpful to castigate the OP's DH (who isn't even on here) for what he might or might not have done in the past? The past is done. OP didn't even ask for advice.

Sorry, there's no way I would have left my child living in that situation. Of course his mum would resist, but it doesn't mean you stop trying to resolve it.

You're making repeated excuses for the crap parenting your DH has contributed towards his DS, even his conception.

Your DH needs to step up and sort the situation out.

I'm sorry, but my OH over the years as done as much as he's been allowed to.

Despite becoming a father at 16 when they had agreed she would take the pill he promised to stick by her - but she didn't want him and was told his services as a father were not needed. But my OH fought to have access to his son and has provided for him financially ever since, and travelled 2-3hrs each way to see him ebery weekend. He is a bloody good father despite all the obstacles put in his way and i do not appreciate you slating him. Tjis sitiation has been a continous battle for him for years but hes never given up.

He's fought with DSS's mum begging for things to change, but at the end of the day in the eyes of the law DSS is not being mistreated and my OH would not get custody. DSS does love his mum. Despite his upbringing his mum is his best friend - they go to goth concerts and festivals together etc. But that's partly the problem - she wants to be his friend rather than his parent.

He doesn't like staying with us because of our boundaries.

Whenever OH tries to step in he's pushed further away, DSS makes excuses not to come to stay with us and then OH gets even less time to properly challenge and influence DSS's behaviour

OH is seriously between a rock and a hard place. Don't make assumptions when you don't know the full story just from a simple post

Fair play RedDwarf, sounds like he's doing his best!

He bloody well is! I'm so proud of my OH. I wish I'd haf father who fought for me like he does. It's caused him so much heartache over the years.

We have another son together (2 yo) and he's a fantastic father. It breaks his heart he can't have the same relationship with his other son despite is continuous efforts, never treating them any differently and despite him always telling DSS to his face that he loves him and that he will always be there for him no matter what.

I will not have the MN wolves tearing into him calling him a "crap parent"

Reddwarf, while I agree with PPs about the worrying nature of his determined behaviour, I just want to say I empathise totally about the crap you go through with OHs ex, right down to the stupid decision to live vicariously through her child and try and reclaim her teen years by deciding to dress up like a punk on the wrong side of 30.

And especially the bit about how hard it is to tackle - because it's not technically neglect or maltreatment, just bloody shit parenting which is going to give the child a really hard time in becoming an adult themselves.

It sounds like your OH is doing the right thing by sticking to a consistent, visible set of rules at your house and openly discussing things with your DSS, and I agree that most MNers and especially ones who've never been in this position just enjoy telling off a stranger.

Thanks L0gLady - it's nice to hear a bit of empathy and that we're not alone. Its been the subject of many-a conversation between my OH and I

dp's ex had dss hair highlighted, I thought that was bad enough, she also dresses him in designer clothes - which means he refuses to wear any clothes we buy for him (and she refuses to allow him to bring 'her' clothes here).....

Anyway.....yes, the behaviour does sound very out of order. dss [14] is meticulous about not seeing me naked and looks in horror if he sees me walk out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Is there any chance of asking the school to get involved - it could be there is a safeguarding issue?

She won't allow OH to get involved in his schooling. He's never invited or told when parents evenings are. We tried to help with homework by asking him to bring his homework with him when he stays with us (because his grades were poor, he lacks any 'get-up-and-go' and OH discovered via the grapevine he was getting lot of detentions for not doing homework)... but it was stopped

Homework and projects caused battles every weekend because he didn't want to do it, wouldn't listen, wouldnt pay attention or participate - he'd just huff and stare at us blankly. But OH and I would push him until it was finished. But he'd obviously complained about our pushiness and all of a sudden he stopped bringing his homework.

When he was questioned he said he does his homework in his lunch break (we don't believe it for a second) and his mum backed him up. Then his mum told him to delete all the family from our side from his social media to stop us checking up on him

All our attempts to get involved in his life are thwarted... she just wants an occasional babysitter and maintenance

It sounds like there is something very very wrong, in all honesty. I would be at a loss as to what to do but that isn't in the realm of normal teenage boy behaviour.

He is 15 years old. Imagine a 15 year old girl acting the same way around her stepfather!

I've only skim read, but how old was the MIL's daughter? I'm concerned honestly.

I'mnottheladies - MIL neighbours daughter is the same age.

But in all honesty, both of them are very immature and not academically very bright. She still takes her favourite teddy bear everywhere she goes and is timid around adults (but not other children), and DSS is just the same. We still find him playing with his old baby toys he won't throw out and timid around non-family adults.

But they've both hit puberty and hormones are ing everywhere and I think that's why he chose this girl to 'experiment' with

This was quite a few months ago, and hasn't happened again as they've never been allowed to be in the same room alone again when he's at MIL's, and OH deleted her from DSS's mobile phone contacts so they couldn't arrange secret meetings again (plus asked neighbours parents to do the same)

He should be able to speak to the school - explain the difficulties, and ask them to add him to any parental communications, he is afterall still one of the parents, whether ex likes it or not. he doesn't have to act on what he gets but now and then he might want to do something - if nothing else he could build up a bank of information in case he needed it.

I think what she is doing is borderline abuse, but you'd need to be really sure what you wanted the outcome to be if you made some sort of report.

We've discussed him getting in touch with the school for parental updates, but if she found out there'd be a big row and the contact would cease - he's had it thrown back in his face whenever he tries to get too involved or question her parenting with "do you know how difficult it is being a single parent?!" even though she was the one who ditched OH, broke his heart and used him to have a baby because WANTED to be a single parent, and has constantly put barriers in OH's way whenever he attempts to get more involved.

We've discussed reporting her due to DSS being constantly left with the bipolar grandfather who persistently refuses to take his medication and has already been sectioned on one occasion... But he does actually love his mum, plus he's doing his mock exams. Having him live with us would mean removing him from his school where he has friends. He has no friends where we live, we're 2 hrs away from all his other family and everything he knows. His school grades aren't that great as it is, disrupting him would have major consequences on his already poor grades.

And I doubt he'd ever forgive us for taking him away from his mum

Sounds like this kid has potentially had a pretty unstable upbringing.. And doesn't really know quite how to behave. Which is sad for him, cos he's going to get judged by his peers too, for his behaviour.
I think sometimes if a kid is quite immature, it might be helpful to just break down the awkwardness about certain subjects, maybe say in a friendly way "ok huni you're being a bit creepy now, I'm not one of your girl mates, I'm your step mum!"
Say it for example when things like the 'pool scenario' happen, as it's happening - nip it in the bud.
He may have the body of a 15 year old, but try to be the adult and makesure, he knows his place. He needs to understand the boundaries. And don't be afraid to tell him off yourself.. Or he may think, if you're quiet and embarrassed, he can just get away with treating you like that and that doesn't send him a good message.
Show him that women can be the disciplinarians too don't be a push over!

reddwars my dcs paternal grandmother is also a non medicated sufferer of bipolar and has been sectioned twice, but court so no issue in her caring for the children overnight so nt sure who exactly you plan to 'report' to

saw, not so

Well if the courts don't see any issue with a severely mentally unstable person who has been sectioned and has repeated episodes (which involves physical attacks against DSS's mum and his Ex-W) due to refusing to take his medication then it seems we have nobody to report it to then... We had thought of social services as he's a potential danger to DSS. But like I say, it would turn his life upside down

We're stuck between wanting what we see as an appropriate upbringing for him versus what he actually wants... and it's not us as his full time parents that he actually wants

Sorry just realised that my comment below sounded a bit snipey, I didn't mean it to.

I was amazed that it wasn't a cause for concern as DC's grandma is very mentally unstable, and at the time my ex was supposed tobe sharing custody but we knew he was actually leaving them with her and working in London. Neither social services, cafcass or the judge saw an issue with this and I was left in a position of either breaking our court order or leaving them to it. D.S is A.S.D and regressed massively during that period so you have my total sympathies re the effect on your DSS.

Afraid I can't offer any advice but I hope you manage some resolution. It's awful that feeling of being uncomfortable in your own home.

Well that's exactly it with DSS's - because she knows our concerns about her father being there are valid she tells us they're looking to get him his own flat. But that lie has been continuing for the last 2 yrs. Every time we see DSS we just casually ask if grandad has his own flat yet (we haven't voiced our concerns to DSS as we don't want to upset him but I think DSS's mum tells him everything and I think they both concoct lies together), but we just get "nah, not yet - theres nothing about that he can afford" which suggests theyre looking for a private rental - but they're in a 2-bed council flat and grandad sleeps on the sofa.

Not only do they have an overcrowning issue, they have his volatile mental health condition to take to the council to rehouse him.

So I personally don't think they're trying to find grandad his own flat, I think there's some benefit fraud going on and they haven't declared grandad living with them. We also know she claims income support but also know she has several cash in hand jobs she likely hasn't declared (despite pleading poverty all the time she and DSS manage to have several holidays every year, including one abroad. And many weekends away at festivals and concerts - we haven't even had so much as a weekend away in 4 years)

You need to contact social work and tell them everything you've said here.

There are lots of red flags that potentially dss could have been a victim of csa (child sexual abuse).

This needs investigating now. Once he turns 16 help evaporates.

Branding children as 'rapists in the making' - is that a 'thing' on mumsnet now?

Why could DSS be a victim if csa? Don't get me wrong, he's had a very disruptive dysfunctional upbringing with OH, myself and the rest of OH's family having a lot of concerns for him - but not once have we ever suspected sexual abuse.

He's an adolescent with hormones all over the shop - no offence, but what lad of that age doesn't want to see the opposite sex naked?! HOWEVER I do appreciate his exploration of sex is not on

I think the issue is his mum not being mature enough to be a parent instead of his friend and therefore not setting clear boundaries and educating him adequately.

Like I say, OH does his best to do this himself when he sees DS but the more he does the less we see of DSS so having a good influence on his questionable behaviour is becoming more and more difficult.

And, yes "a rapist in the making" is not what I believe he is...that suggestion is a tad OTT