Ex wont let me meet his new partner although she is caring fir ds and dd

[lucinda33]

Hello everyone

Just hoping for some advice/ thoughts please !

I split from my ex 3 years ago we have two children and share parenting alternate weeks , I left due to historic domestic abuse .

My ex has been in a new relationship for just over a year and from what Dd and ds say she seems very nice , I have been in a new relationship for two years and ex has met my new partner a few times etc as we now live together with the children when they are with me

I asked ex if maybe I could meet up with his new partner ,only because she has now moved in with ex and is looking after children on occasion. I m not expecting happy families or to be her best friend but thought it may help her to know me a little and vice versa in case she ever needs to get in touch 're children

Ex has stated she doesnt want to meet me and I'm not important in his view but I'm not sure how much of this is his words, I've only seen her twice briefly to pick up children and there's no issue from my point of view . I know that legally the children are in his care and I can't force someone to meet me , she doesn't have children but it feels odd not knowing anything about her :/

I thought about contacting her directly but he won't pass on telephone , avoids contact at all costs , I could turn up on spec but don't want to make a massive issue on his doorstep (he'd refuse to let me in ) I know a lot of this is down to his control issues and I'm not interested in discussing any aspect of my relationship with him this is just about the children who seem ok and happy with her if a bit bemused why we're never allowed to speak !

So do I pursue this or chill out and Assume if she ever needs to discuss anything shed get in touch
Ex feels all discussions 're children have to go through him

[Melonfool]

[Sorry, no idea why that happened]

[MeridianB]

Hi Lucinda

I think your wish to meet her is completely normal and reasonable and although there may not be any formal or legal obligation on your Ex or his GF to meet you I think they are pretty abnormal and unreasonable for blocking this (assuming the GF knows of the request).

I agree with Daftoldbiddy up-thread who said explain your good intentions and try again.

I suggested meeting my DH's Ex when I first met DSD as I thought it was courteous. We just had a cup of coffee (with DH). It doesn't have to be a big production and neutral turf is a good idea.

[MeridianB]

Oops! It was GrumpyOldBiddy. Sorry...

[JakieOH]

Definitely agree that a mutual place is better. When I agreed to meet DPs ex she came round to his house with her friend. I felt really uncomfortable, her mate just sat staring at me and her and my DP sat chatting lol! After that she used to just let herself in when the kids were there, I'd be sitting on the chair and she would walk passed and grunt a hello and start playing with them lol DP put a stop to it though thankfully!

Hopefully she will meet you eventually but like PP said make sure she knows your intentions aren't anything other than a friendly chat about kids x

[daftgeranium]

OP, you might want to meet your ex's partner, but if she doesn't want to meet you, she has a right to have that wish respected. It's not necessarily because she is being childish (as some here have suggested), it may just be to do with the fact that you are her partner's ex and she wants you in her life as little as possible. She may just want her partner to have any contact with you instead. And that is entirely reasonable, even if you don't agree with it.

[lucinda33]

Hi dg !
Yes she absolutely has a right not to meet with me I know that , it was more about the fact that she is now looking after my two children independent of my ex , just thought it might break the ice , a quick hello !

[wallypops]

I have met my ex husbands various partners as they have appeared and they have always been wary of me. However, I know that they have been emotionally abused by him too. They always look at me like I'm some kind of monster, which makes me laugh.

I used to care about meeting them, but with the last one I really didn't give a stuff. In the longer run she failed to protect my children from his abuse, and now neither of my DDs see him at all. And they are much happier as a result, so an ill for a good in the long run there. I do feel deeply sorry for the ladies in question though.

However, I remained single for 6 years to bring up my 2 & 3yr old DDs, and eventually met a good'un and while I thought about asking my ex if he wanted to meet him, I decided against. My DP is not keen on the idea, and I doubt there would be any benefit to it for anyone.

[daftgeranium]

Lucinda you've missed my point a bit - she may not even want a quick hello - she may not even want contact with you at all!

Try not to be too pushy. A lot of what you are saying suggests that you have a lack of trust. She is probably doing her best with the situation (unless your kids tell you otherwise?) but remember she didn't ask for your kids to be in her relationship and she probably wants to minimise any influence you have over her life, as her partner's ex. And that is perfectly natural..... and should be respected if this is how she feels. Seems to me you have had a clear communication that this is how she feels, so if I were you I wouldn't push any further.

[Jac01]

This is a situation I remember being in over 10 years back. DPs Ex wanted to meet me, I was terrified!! Not because of anything DP had said about her, just because it was a new situation to me

Over the first year however I met her in passing, then for a while I picked up dsd for contact and we exchanged pleasantries. Still I leave the majority of contact to dh, but I could call her if needed and vice versa (very rarely happened)

Don't get me wrong, we aren't close now, but I think it helps that we know each other enough to talk in case of an emergency

[NerdyBird]

DP's ex and I have met a few times, we've made polite conversation but that's as far as it goes. Neither of us is interested in direct contact. My DP has residency so I'm with DSC on my own quite a bit. It's rare I can't contact DP, and in any case I don't think I'd contact her in lieu of him. Oldest DSC knows her mum's number, I think teaching them it is a good idea.

[ladydeedy]

I think what you have said here is interesting : she is now looking after my two children independent of my ex.

You call them "your" children. They are also your ex's children. His new partner looks after them on her own on occasion. That's not really any of your business, harsh as that may sound. Same as if a friend of his was looking after them, or his sister or cousin for example. What they do at his is his responsibility, not yours. If she doesn't want to meet you then please leave it be.

[LemonYellowSun]

I don't see why you need to meet. You and your ex are the parents.

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I wish my dps ex had met me. Would have made life much easier I reckon.

And why would op not want to meet someone who will be caring for her children ad hocly?

You wouldn't leave your child with a total stranger would you?