Ex wont let me meet his new partner although she is caring fir ds and dd

[lucinda33]

Hello everyone

Just hoping for some advice/ thoughts please !

I split from my ex 3 years ago we have two children and share parenting alternate weeks , I left due to historic domestic abuse .

My ex has been in a new relationship for just over a year and from what Dd and ds say she seems very nice , I have been in a new relationship for two years and ex has met my new partner a few times etc as we now live together with the children when they are with me

I asked ex if maybe I could meet up with his new partner ,only because she has now moved in with ex and is looking after children on occasion. I m not expecting happy families or to be her best friend but thought it may help her to know me a little and vice versa in case she ever needs to get in touch 're children

Ex has stated she doesnt want to meet me and I'm not important in his view but I'm not sure how much of this is his words, I've only seen her twice briefly to pick up children and there's no issue from my point of view . I know that legally the children are in his care and I can't force someone to meet me , she doesn't have children but it feels odd not knowing anything about her :/

I thought about contacting her directly but he won't pass on telephone , avoids contact at all costs , I could turn up on spec but don't want to make a massive issue on his doorstep (he'd refuse to let me in ) I know a lot of this is down to his control issues and I'm not interested in discussing any aspect of my relationship with him this is just about the children who seem ok and happy with her if a bit bemused why we're never allowed to speak !

So do I pursue this or chill out and Assume if she ever needs to discuss anything shed get in touch
Ex feels all discussions 're children have to go through him

[alwaystryingtobeafriend]

I wish my dps ex had met me. Would have made life much easier I reckon.

And why would op not want to meet someone who will be caring for her children ad hocly?

You wouldn't leave your child with a total stranger would you?

[LemonYellowSun]

I don't see why you need to meet. You and your ex are the parents.

[ladydeedy]

I think what you have said here is interesting : she is now looking after my two children independent of my ex.

You call them "your" children. They are also your ex's children. His new partner looks after them on her own on occasion. That's not really any of your business, harsh as that may sound. Same as if a friend of his was looking after them, or his sister or cousin for example. What they do at his is his responsibility, not yours. If she doesn't want to meet you then please leave it be.

[NerdyBird]

DP's ex and I have met a few times, we've made polite conversation but that's as far as it goes. Neither of us is interested in direct contact. My DP has residency so I'm with DSC on my own quite a bit. It's rare I can't contact DP, and in any case I don't think I'd contact her in lieu of him. Oldest DSC knows her mum's number, I think teaching them it is a good idea.

[Jac01]

This is a situation I remember being in over 10 years back. DPs Ex wanted to meet me, I was terrified!! Not because of anything DP had said about her, just because it was a new situation to me

Over the first year however I met her in passing, then for a while I picked up dsd for contact and we exchanged pleasantries. Still I leave the majority of contact to dh, but I could call her if needed and vice versa (very rarely happened)

Don't get me wrong, we aren't close now, but I think it helps that we know each other enough to talk in case of an emergency

[daftgeranium]

Lucinda you've missed my point a bit - she may not even want a quick hello - she may not even want contact with you at all!

Try not to be too pushy. A lot of what you are saying suggests that you have a lack of trust. She is probably doing her best with the situation (unless your kids tell you otherwise?) but remember she didn't ask for your kids to be in her relationship and she probably wants to minimise any influence you have over her life, as her partner's ex. And that is perfectly natural..... and should be respected if this is how she feels. Seems to me you have had a clear communication that this is how she feels, so if I were you I wouldn't push any further.

[wallypops]

I have met my ex husbands various partners as they have appeared and they have always been wary of me. However, I know that they have been emotionally abused by him too. They always look at me like I'm some kind of monster, which makes me laugh.

I used to care about meeting them, but with the last one I really didn't give a stuff. In the longer run she failed to protect my children from his abuse, and now neither of my DDs see him at all. And they are much happier as a result, so an ill for a good in the long run there. I do feel deeply sorry for the ladies in question though.

However, I remained single for 6 years to bring up my 2 & 3yr old DDs, and eventually met a good'un and while I thought about asking my ex if he wanted to meet him, I decided against. My DP is not keen on the idea, and I doubt there would be any benefit to it for anyone.

[lucinda33]

Hi dg !
Yes she absolutely has a right not to meet with me I know that , it was more about the fact that she is now looking after my two children independent of my ex , just thought it might break the ice , a quick hello !

[daftgeranium]

OP, you might want to meet your ex's partner, but if she doesn't want to meet you, she has a right to have that wish respected. It's not necessarily because she is being childish (as some here have suggested), it may just be to do with the fact that you are her partner's ex and she wants you in her life as little as possible. She may just want her partner to have any contact with you instead. And that is entirely reasonable, even if you don't agree with it.

[JakieOH]

Definitely agree that a mutual place is better. When I agreed to meet DPs ex she came round to his house with her friend. I felt really uncomfortable, her mate just sat staring at me and her and my DP sat chatting lol! After that she used to just let herself in when the kids were there, I'd be sitting on the chair and she would walk passed and grunt a hello and start playing with them lol DP put a stop to it though thankfully!

Hopefully she will meet you eventually but like PP said make sure she knows your intentions aren't anything other than a friendly chat about kids x

[MeridianB]

Oops! It was GrumpyOldBiddy. Sorry...

[MeridianB]

Hi Lucinda

I think your wish to meet her is completely normal and reasonable and although there may not be any formal or legal obligation on your Ex or his GF to meet you I think they are pretty abnormal and unreasonable for blocking this (assuming the GF knows of the request).

I agree with Daftoldbiddy up-thread who said explain your good intentions and try again.

I suggested meeting my DH's Ex when I first met DSD as I thought it was courteous. We just had a cup of coffee (with DH). It doesn't have to be a big production and neutral turf is a good idea.

[Melonfool]

[Sorry, no idea why that happened]

[Melonfool]

I don't think you need to have any 'legal rights' if he falls etc. No different to if he was being looked after by a friend, neighbour, his mate's mum, his aunt etc.

Yes, useful to have the parent contact. I can always use dss's phone if something happens to contact the mother.

The reason she keeps asking for my number is to sort out contact dates, but I honestly think he should be doing that. Albeit caused a lot of arguments at the start because he didn't do it, or did it and didn't tell me what the agreement was and I never knew who was going to be in the house when I came home from work, which I don't mind now and then as I know things change but all the time was doing my head in. Having NOT stepped in and taken it over myself, he has got better at it now.

[Lolimax]

As a step parent there are times I very happily have responsibility for my 'bonus baby' (he's 12) if his dad is working shifts etc...but I have no legal rights towards him. So god forbid what happens if he falls or needs medical attention and I can't get hold of his dad? That's why I have the ex's number so I can get hold of her in an emergency. She knows and respects that and as a mum myself I believe that's how it should be.

[Melonfool]

I've met the ex-w, originally mainly via drop off etc (I do think the person who disappears at drop off time in the post above is a bit odd) but a few years ago all five of us (the two sets of adults and the dss) got together for a meal for dss's birthday. I was fine about doing it though I wasn't very interested in it, and dss didn't seem that keen on the idea. I can't recall whose idea it was now. It went OK but not terribly well - they're just not people I want to hang out with. ex-w had ordered a bottle of wine when we arrived and I 'had' to share it - but it was wine I don't like, so that was a bit annoying.

We have had a few chats on the doorstep about recent events, especially as his behaviour has got tricky lately. Mainly he lets himself in now, or if we go round there I tend to wait in the car.

Then a week or so ago dss was supposed to be coming here from school but got muddled (yeah, right, little sod) and went to his mum's. I had to go and pick him up and he wasn't there but she was [odd, since the reason he was coming to us was because she was at work...] and so we had a cup of tea while dp got hold of dss, sent him back to his mum's [he'd gone to a mate's] so I could bring him back to ours.

That's the longest I've spent with her on her own, though we weren't on our own long as her friend's child turned up as he apparently goes there when his mum isn't in (while her child comes to us because she's 'working'....it's all very odd isn't it? To be fair, she did say she was going to get a fake tan). We only talked about dss and his recent issues and how we might be handling them. She certainly prefers me to previous gf of dp, and to dp I think!

[lucinda33]

Good advice everyone , melon just to be clear there's no way I'd have let the men have a chat about the house as "mans business " not when I earn more than both of them ;)! it followed on from a discussion I'd had with ex about dp coming on the mortgage so he could come off

I know there's nothing legally I can do and I'd never stop the kids seeing their dad , yes God knows what kind of monster I've been made into ! Just leave the door open I guess

[JakieOH]

True but thankfully we didn't have to peruse it!

Id agree melon, if I was OP I'd just try and accept it, there's nothing you can do. If the step parent doesn't want to meet you and the kids are happy then that's the main thing. obsessing over it will only upset you and no one else

[theendoftheendoftheend]

I'd want to have met the parents of DC left in my care tbh, and vice versa. As ltk said upthread I wouldn't be surprised at all if he's painted you very badly to her. I remember the first time I met ex's first gf, she looked scared witless I felt really sorry for her.
I would take some comfort from the age of your DC though, they are old enough to remember your contact number themselves etc.

[Melonfool]

I know it's not a legal alternative, but in the real world obviously it happens a lot and the courts are actually ineffective in ensuring contact - how could they ensure it? There are reports of many cases where the NRP is not given the access the court decrees.

I'm not suggesting for one minute it is right - hence I said the OP needs to just let it go.

[JakieOH]

Melon, the alternative you say isn't an alternative at all. I looked into this as my DPs ex threatened that she would not allow him to see the children while I was here unless we both did as she wanted! i was really concerned about this and did a bit if digging. A parent with care can not legally stop their exS new partner seeing the children while they are with NRP unless there is a valid concern about their safety around him/her.

I was quite surprised about it to be honest, it must be pretty awful to loose control over who is around and involved with your children, but even if you meet her and can't stand her there isn't an awful lot you can do about it. Perhaps it's best just to leave ur x