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Step-parenting

DD accused partner - not knowing how to handle it

86 replies

freerangechick99 · 21/05/2015 19:58

DD accused my partner of hurting her. Ex h deducted partner caused the bruises. I was in the room at the time and can confirm that DP stopped DD helping herself to extra food by holding her arms in a non forceful way. DD was angry because I had told her off just before and told her to go to her bedroom. After interrogating DD police concluded that DP had used restraint and there is no case of DD being hurt.
ExH has escalated this, threatened a law suit to stop me having contact with DCs. I have warned DP that ExH is manipulative and to be extra vigilant with the DCs has he would use any incident and escalate it, to make DP or me look like a bad person. He clearly escalated and twisted what DD said.
I was in the room and saw everything. I know that DP would not hurt a fly. Unfortunately I know that whoever the partner would be ExH would make issues and try to break us up or stop us moving in together. I left a controlling relationship but he is sadly still controlling me and now my dd.

I am angry against DD for raising to the game. I know she is feeling jealous of DP despite me trying to reassure her that she is very special to me. She is not happy about me having a new partner.
I want to avoid to say something like, 'I know you were lying' or I saw that DP did not hurt you'.
I am feeling sad and angry. I love DP so much and my DD too. I do not want to have to choose between them.
I have told DP to stay away.
I want DD to trust in the police and social services in case someone would do something to her.
How can I breach the subject with DD?

OP posts:

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Rebecca2014 · 22/05/2015 07:57

I cannot blame your ex for taking your daughter side. As a single mother, I would never accept my partner or my ex partner laying a hand on my child.

BertrandRussell · 22/05/2015 07:58

"euro really? you would never restrain your ten year old, if say, they stepped out into a busy road? Or were about to put their hand on a (unknown to them) hot hob?"

Well, I would. But I fail to see how it's relevant to this thread!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 22/05/2015 08:02

OP how much contact does she have with XH? Have you thought about changing it? the ex is the primary carer for the dd not the op and it sounds like the ex is threatening to reduce contact due to this incident.

Op how much time do you get to spend with your dd? If it is only say weekends then would it not be better to not see your dp at these times and fully focus for now on your dd

RightSideOfWrong · 22/05/2015 08:03

Physical restraint to stop a child from putting themselves in danger is different to restraint to stop them helping themselves to food.

The issue here will be the bruises. OP says she doesn't know where they came from but must have been to do with ex. Ex will disagree and say that they were caused by DP restraining DD. DP probably shouldn't have been physically stopping DD from accessing food anyway, and DD is clearly upset enough to either be embellishing what happened or to feel that DP genuinely hurt her, even if it was unintentional.

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 08:03

Sounds like you ex massively overreacted but why are you letting your new dp physically restrain your child especially if she is uncomfortable/unhappy with him
In the first place. It's all very well blaming the dad, but your dd has told you she has a problem, so why let your dp have anything to do with discipline at this moment in time. It only adds fuel to the fire.

BertrandRussell · 22/05/2015 08:04

Didn't the police ask about the bruises?

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 08:09

Just saw your ex has primary care of your daughter. So you only have weekend contact? it sounds as if your daughter is pretty unhappy with visiting if she misbehaves and no this. I do not blame your ex for being concerned.

Maybe less overnight visits is a good idea if your partner lives with you. Maybe take your dd out just you for a little while to things cool down?

Pispcina · 22/05/2015 08:15

Isn't it fairly unusual for the father to have primary care especially of a girl? Forgive my ignorance.

tiggytape · 22/05/2015 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 22/05/2015 08:33

If my DD had bruises on her arm I would want to know exactly where they came from. Have you not asked her?

Restraining a 10 year old child over food is a shocking loss of control. It being physically done by your parter is a greater failing.

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 08:34

Pispcina maybe a long time ago it was unusual but now they will put children with the parent deemed most suitable regardless of gender. A mother is not always the primary carer. One of my friends growing up lived with her dad during the week and saw her mum weekends because her dad was more secure.
Obviously we don't know if pp's situation is court ordered and dad won custody or it is a private arrangement between the two for their daughter. Either was it does suggest dad has been more of the primary carer for a while.

DinkyDye · 22/05/2015 08:45

Whoops sorry 0010

Pispcina · 22/05/2015 10:19

Thanks, Bob (or can I call you 'Kate'?!)

Yes I understand that sometimes the father is thought more stable, for various reasons. Just it seems to be fairly unusual and I wondered what those reasons might have been if this is indeed the case.

freerangechick99 · 22/05/2015 10:48

I will only see DP when DD is away

OP posts:

00100001 · 22/05/2015 10:51

If the Mother is saying she is OK with what the DP did, you know, cos she was actually there so knows what happened, why are you all harping on about how awful the partner is?

Surely where the bruises came form is more important?

3CheekyLittleMonkeys · 22/05/2015 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 · 22/05/2015 12:01

So you only have contact at the weekends yet your partner thinks it's okay to discipline your child?? Um no way.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/05/2015 12:05

If you only see her at weekends, then you only see DP through the week, at least until this situation has worked itself through. I too would be very unhappy at someone 'restraining' a 10 yo. I wouldn't do that to my on 10 yo unless he was about to do something very dangerous like put his hand on the stove.

theendoftheendoftheend · 22/05/2015 12:14

My DC are always obtaining bruises, I rarely ask them about each one I thought it was fairly normal to pick up bruises when playing? (I always did!) So unless these bruises were particularly unusual I don't blame op for not having ask her DD about them before.
Also, if the police have investigated and deemed the DP's actions to be reasonable and DD to be unhurt by them, who are we to say otherwise? It could just as easily be that the 10yr old is being manipulated by her primary carer. It does happen!
Either way op, your DD is innocent in all this, she's the child the rest of you are adults. Don't lose sight of that.

coolaschmoola · 22/05/2015 12:15

Your dd only sees her mum on a weekend. Now she has to share that very limited time with your new boyfriend and he is allowed to put his hands on her to control her behaviour?? Talk about being shown where she features in importance. No wonder she's unhappy, poor kid :(

thegreylady · 22/05/2015 12:22

Does your dd live with her father most of the time? I am wondering how this came to be the case. None of my business of course but it would explain why your dd is so easily manipulated by her father. Is she your only child?

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 22/05/2015 12:45

Your dp should not have intervened. He could have just shut the cupboard door instead of stopping dc.

My dps ex would flip if I touched her kid but I'd never do it unless it was for their own good. Ie stepping out to a busy road etc.

It's not dps job to dish out discipline but maybe he just feels out of control and unsure of his boundaries.

Not really sure what you can do except try to talk with exH and explain that yes it was wrong of dp a d you have spoken and agree he should not be restraining or touching dd. Maybe this will help. X

alwaystryingtobeafriend · 22/05/2015 12:47

Oh and my dsd came out with 'I have a right not to be touched'. When dp was playing/ tickling. How quick can that spiral out of control and be Taken the wrong way?

freerangechick99 · 22/05/2015 12:48

alwaystryingtobeafriend finally something constructive!

OP posts:

AGirlCalledBoB · 22/05/2015 13:08

I don't think it's necessarity the restraint but all the context that goes with it.

Her dd does not like the new partner, is struggling with it, only sees her mum weekends and then her partner restrains her. Of course she is then going to go home and complain to her dad, and probably twist the story! and then he in turn is going to investigate it. Not sure why everyone is starting on the dad, yes he overreacted but he is going on what his daughter is telling him.
He should have just asked what happened and left it there.

It's just probably too soon and not a good time for the partner to have anything to do with discipline.

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